Query: The Princess Paradox (women's fiction)

[CourtneyBuc]

Yay you! Best version so far!
 

[Jole]

hi Careyrox

your query has really evolved, good job! i think it's great that you're trying to show your character's voice (that's so important), but in this draft it feels a little over done. you don't need play-on words in every sentence, and right now they're exceeding your story, not enhancing it.

to be honest, i don't see Carrie Bradshaw here so i wouldn't make that comparison. when i think of Carrie i think sophistication, New York City, designer shoes, and blatant sex (talk, at least). Nora seems more innocent, girl-next-door. for instance: "Aidan is not the kind of prince who needs relationship help -- evidenced by the sheer volume of maidens that cross his threshold" -- this is more passive sex talk. Carrie would just be frank. ("Aidan has a lot of sex.") and i'm not suggesting your character should be Carrie -- she should be herself. i'm just saying i wouldn't mention it. besides, an agent should be able to judge for herself who your character reminds her of, without you telling her.

also, to be honest (again) Nora is coming off as someone with self esteem issues -- which could very well be true and isn't necessarily a bad thing. (in fact, most characters probably have self esteem issues of some sort.) but it's dominating her personality and making her unlikeable. for example, "twenty-five-year-old Nora Roseberry has written off the probability that Prince Charming will come rescue her" -- this sounds like she did, in fact, want to be rescued and is now disappointed that it hasn't happened. (no woman in the 21st century needs to be rescued, amen?) then later she says she's not goodlooking enough for Aidan and "just as she suspects" he wasn't interested in her in the first place. i'm just confused as to who this character is, and i'm afraid who you want her to be isn't coming across. granted, i could very well be wrong -- you know your character better than i do. i just mention it because sometimes we're so close to our own writing, we can't see what we're actually writing...you know?

with all that in mind, your query has grown leaps and bounds. good luck to you and keep 'atter. you're getting close! 

[Careyrox]

Thanks Jole, glad you shared. It actually was good feedback and let me know my query is indeed showing what I wanted it to, and that her character is, in fact clear.

And I am also glad her self esteem issues come in, because that IS who she is (at least in the beginning). She doesn't see herself the way others do. It is her character flaw. It is also the whole point of the story. We can't really be complete until we are happy with who we are inside and out.

I understand why you are questioning the Carrie Bradshaw thing, but Nora's thoughts and commentary is very Carrie, critical and at times blunt. With Aidan, she calls it like she sees it. The Cinderella component is the insecure, kind of meek, never standing up to people part of her.  Plus...she, like Carrie, has an obsession with high end shoes even though she can't afford them. I would also say Carrie is totally insecure, she plays off a strong face, but crumbles as soon as she is alone. And she takes solace in her writing because it is the only place she can truly let go. Notice on Sex and the City, the "Aidan likes sex" comments would all be in her head or only to her closest bffs. She's not that honest to everyone. Just like my MC.

So, overall, from what you are feeling from the query, an agent would get exactly what they think they would be getting.