KEY OF EDEN, YA paranormal Romance ED. 1

[geogstacey]

Dear Agent,

The fallen angels will stop at nothing to get to seventeen-year-old Ava Monroe, even if that means possessing one of her friends, blackmailing her, invading her dreams, and crashing her prom.

When a group of blood thirsty angels learn of Ava's identity, they attack her but retreat when they are ambushed by the heavenly guardians. The guardians: Barak and his three sidekicks take Ava to their leader where she learns that she is a direct descendent of Eve, her special bloodline creates a key that opens the gates to Eden every hundred years. It is the guardians job to protect Ava and keep her safe at all costs that includes: enrolling sexy Barak into Ava's private school to become her personal body guard, not allowing Ava outside of the house unless it's to school, not allowing her to tell anyone about her heritage, and establishing crappy guidelines that will help her succeed in her mission to open the gates to Eden a.k.a. more dictating rules from the guardians.

Ava refuses to go to Eden until after she graduates allowing the fallen to make multiple attacks on her life. But, they found the perfect way to sway Ava to their side; they have kidnapped her BFF Erica. Now Ava has two choices: to join the fallen angels and save her friend or join the guardians, risk Erica’s life and save all of mankind.

KEY OF EDEN is a 70,000 word YA paranormal romance. It is the joint effort of Stacey Hays and Jennifer Nichols. We are members of SCBWI and contributing authors to the blog Our Pages Aren’t Numbered.

Thank you for your time.

[Zooks]

I don't understand why the guardians would let Ava continue to go to school [risking danger from the bad angels] when they could simply have her open the gates to Eden.  Can you explain why they can't just do that?  Good luck with this.

Dear Agent,
 
Seventeen-year-old Ava Monroe is the key to opening the gates to Eden, yes, the holy-bible-Adam-and-Eve-eating-apple-from-the-tree-of-knowledge Eden.
 
When a group of blood thirsty angels learn of Ava's identity, they attack her but retreat when they are ambushed by the heavenly guardians. The guardians: Barak and his three sidekicks take Ava to their leader where she learns that she is a direct descendent of Eve, [aren't we all if you believe the story?] a line that creates a key that opens the gates to Eden every hundred years. It is the guardians job to protect her and keep her safe at all costs even if that includes: enrolling hot sexy [do you need both hot & sexy?] Barak into Ava's private school to become her personal body guard, not allowing Ava outside of the house unless it's to school or home,[home doesn't make sense here - not letting her out of the house to go home]  not allowing her to tell anyone about her heritage, and establishing crappy guidelines that will help her succeed in her mission to open the gates to Eden a.k.a. more dictating rules from the guardians.

But, the fallen angels will stop at nothing to get to Ava, even if that means possessing one of her friends to attack her, blackmailing her, invading her dreams, and crashing her prom.[crashing her prom struck me as funny - I don't know if that was intended.  If it was, this could be in your 1st paragraph as your hook, IMO]  After multiple attacks on her life, the fallen angels finally have a way to sway Ava to their side; they have kidnapped her BFF Erica. Now Ava has two choices: to join the fallen angels and save her friend or join the guardians and save all of mankind. [wouldn't Erica be included in 'all of mankind'?]
 
KEY OF EDEN is a 70,000 word young adult paranormal romance. It was is the joint effort of Stacey Hays and Jennifer Nichols. We are cousins-turned-writing-partners. We are both from the Bowling Green area, members of SCBWI and contributing authors to the blog Our Pages Aren’t Numbered.
 
We would be happy to send you the manuscript upon request. [they know this] Thank you for your time.

[geogstacey]

Thanks Zooks. You're the best. Take a look at my edits. I think you will like it!

[greenk]

I like the first paragraph a lot. It's concise and clear and intriguing. Your second paragraph, though, loses me. Part of it is the grammar. You've got a number of colon, comma, and apostrophe mistakes that need to be fixed. As it stands, the punctuation mistakes distract the reader and suggest your manuscript might not be as polished as it should be. Here are some other questions I have:

When a group of blood thirsty angels learn of Ava's identity [what is her identity? tell us here], they attack her but retreat when they are ambushed by the heavenly guardians. The guardians: [this colon doesn't make sense here. Maybe what you want is a comma, and then another comma after "sidekicks"?] Barak and his three sidekicks take Ava to their leader where she learns that she is a direct descendent of Eve, [this is a comma splice] her special bloodline creates a key that opens the gates to Eden every hundred years [I like this idea! intriguing!]. It is the guardians job to protect Ava and keep her safe at all costs that includes: [you've got an awkwardly structured, incorrect sentence here] enrolling sexy Barak into Ava's private school to become her personal body guard, not allowing Ava outside of the house unless it's to school [if her life is so precious and at risk, why not whisk her off somewhere safe altogether and remove her from regular life? Explain that here so we know the world is well thought out.], not allowing her to tell anyone about her heritage, and establishing crappy guidelines [like what?] that will help her succeed in her mission to open the gates to Eden a.k.a. more dictating rules from the guardians[this also reads awkwardly].

Ava refuses to go to Eden [why does she need to actually go to Eden? can't she just open the gates?] until after she graduates [why? what could possibly be more important to her than surviving those attacks] allowing the fallen to make multiple attacks on her life. But, they found the perfect way to sway Ava to their side; they have kidnapped her BFF Erica. Now Ava has two choices: to join the fallen angels and save her friend or join the guardians, risk Erica’s life and save all [perhaps "the rest" instead of "all" to make it clear that Erica is still doomed] of mankind.

KEY OF EDEN is a 70,000 word YA paranormal romance. It is the joint effort of Stacey Hays and Jennifer Nichols. We are members of SCBWI and contributing authors to the blog Our Pages Aren’t Numbered [I don't know you need to mention a blog if it isn't well known].


Your story sounds intriguing. Good luck!