SF/F Shekinah - Second Try

[Babydoll]

Here's a second try on my synopsis.  Any help is appreciated.  =)  Thanks.



"Nightmares and migraines have plagued special agent SHEKINAH most of her life -- side effects of the “condition” that prevents her from being able to cry, laugh, or smile, which makes for a great spy.  Nothing can touch her or so she thinks.

Raised by senior agents at Third Enterprises, espionage is the only life she knows.  So when their biggest competitor, Trinity Corporations, buys out the company, Shekinah realizes only mitigating circumstances would have sparked such a drastic move.  Someone is forcing their hand and she’s going to find out who.

When her home is literally blown out of the water, she and her two partners fly to TriCor’s London headquarters under the guise of reporting for their new jobs.  Gaining the enemy’s trust proves hard, but Shekinah is up for the challenge.  TriCor is searching for a device, a power generator run by a computer chip containing information that will lead them to ALAN DIGGET, the device’s creator.  He has been in Russia for years, hiding from TriCor.  He knew Shekinah before she lost her smile and his knowledge of the device makes him dangerous to their mission.  After outsmarting Tricor agent DONALD FAIDE, Shekinah and her team whisk Digget off to a safe house, but Faide tracks them.  Using his ability to “see” in the dark, Faide sneaks Digget back to London for interrogation.

Shekinah slips into TriCor’s headquarters and runs into Faide as she rescues Digget, but he’s bloodied and barely recognizable.  Feeling responsible, Faide helps them escape and Shekinah takes Digget to a hotel, where her partners are waiting with medical treatment.  Feeling restless, Shekinah takes off and ends up in a cemetery chapel to regroup.  There’s a presence in the chapel and Shekinah knows it holds the answers she seeks.  She asks it to reveal what TriCor wants.  In response, light crashes through the ceiling and engulfs her, fixing the condition that kept her from feeling emotion.

After Shekinah’s experience in the chapel, shadow creatures appear in the sky, like the door to another world has opened.  They attack her as she leaves the chapel and she uses The Light to blast them away.  Then Shekinah discovers TriCor has detained Third’s former agents.  Fearing their execution, she attempts to save her people but is captured. She learns she is from an alternate universe, sent here when she was born to save her life.  TriCor tries to harness her power, but she releases The Light, making the machines she is hooked up to explode.  She escapes but not before one of her partners is killed.

With her newfound emotions, Shekinah suffers severe panic attacks and finds it especially difficult to handle her friend’s death.  Shekinah sees her friendship with her remaining partner in a new light, leaning on him for the first time as she begins to understand she can’t handle her emotions by herself."

[ChokeCherry]

Here's a second try on my synopsis.  Any help is appreciated.  =)  Thanks.



"Nightmares and migraines have plagued special agent SHEKINAH most of her life --only one '-' side effects of the “condition” that prevents her from being able to cry, laugh, or smile,I'd break the sentence here which makes for a great spy.  Nothing can touch hermaybe a  '-' here? or so she thinks.

Raised by senior agents at Third Enterprises, espionage is the only life she knows.  So when their biggest competitor, Trinity Corporations, buys out the company, Shekinah realizes only mitigating circumstances would have sparked such a drastic move.  Someone is forcing their hand, and she’s going to find out who.

When her home is literally blown out of the water, she and her two partners fly to TriCor’s London headquarters under the guise of reporting for their new jobs.  Gaining the enemy’s trust proves hard, but Shekinah is up for the challenge.  TriCor is searching for a device, a power generator run by a computer chip containing information that will lead them to ALAN DIGGET, the device’s creator.  He has been in Russia for years, hiding from TriCor.  He knew Shekinah before she lost her smilecomma and his knowledge of the device makes him dangerous to their mission.  After outsmarting Tricor agent DONALD FAIDE, Shekinah and her team whisk Digget off to a safe house, but Faide tracks them.  Using his ability to “see” in the dark, Faide missing a word or two that Faide 'kidnaps' Digget or something from themsneaks Digget back to London for interrogation.
up until here, I found it flowed really well. For some reason, the rest seems rushed, doesn't flow nearly as nicely
Shekinah slips into TriCor’s headquarters and runs into Faide as she rescues Digget, but he’s bloodied and barely recognizable. this seems jammed suddenly. maybe draw it out into two sentences and where does she find Faide or something? Anything to keep the flow. Feeling responsible, for 'his state'? 'what happened to him'?Faide helps them escape new sentenceand Shekinah takes Digget to a hotel, where her partners are waiting with medical treatment.  Feeling restless, Shekinah takes off and ends up in a cemetery chapel to regroup.  There’s a presence in the chapel and Shekinah knows it holds the answers she seeks. This sudden paranormal? aspect catches completely off-guard. Maybe if you put a word or two more describing the 'presence' so it doesn't slam down so much. She asks it to reveal what TriCor wants.  In response, light crashes through the ceiling and engulfs her, fixing the condition that kept her from feeling emotion.

After Shekinah’s experience in the chapel, shadow creatures appear in the sky, like the door to another world has opened.  They attack her as she leaves the chapel, and she must use? uses The Lightwhat's that? to blast them away.  new paragraph?Shekinah discovers TriCor has detained Third’s former agents.  Fearing their execution, she attempts to save her people, but is captured. She learns she is from an alternate universe, sent here after birth to save her life.  TriCor tries to harness her power, but she releases The Light, making the machines she is hooked up to explode.  She escapes, but not before one of her partners is killed.

With her newfound emotions, Shekinah suffers severe panic attacks and finds it especially difficult to handle her friend’s death.  Shekinah sees her friendship with her remaining partner in a new light, leaning on him for the first time as she begins to understand she can’t handle her emotions by herself."

Better! I just have the feeling that it's cut in half: the first part reads really well, but the second gets choppy.
Otherwise, good job and good luck!

[Babydoll]

Thanks.  The supernatural activity in the first part of the story doesn't happen to my main character and I don't know exactly how to get it in there without taking the focus off her.  And I also feel that the second part is rushed.  I had a little longer one, but I'm trying to keep it at one page for now.

[Babydoll]

One more try.  lol


Nightmares and migraines have plagued special agent SHEKINAH most of her life – side effects of the “condition” that prevents her from being able to cry, laugh, or smile, which makes her a great spy.  Nothing can touch her – or so she thinks.

Raised by senior agents at Third (III) Enterprises, espionage is the only life she knows.  So when their biggest competitor, Trinity Corporations, buys out the company, Shekinah believes only mitigating circumstances would have sparked such a drastic move.  Someone is forcing their hand, and with the help of her two partners and a mysterious, not-quite-human stranger (whose presence is the only thing that brings her restless soul any peace), she’s going to find out who.

When her ocean-floor home is literally blown out of the water, she and her team fly to TriCor’s London headquarters under the guise of reporting for their new jobs.  Gaining the enemies trust proves difficult, especially when one of her partners attacks a TriCor agent like a possessed man, but Shekinah is up for the challenge.  TriCor is searching for a power converting device run by a computer chip that contains information that will lead them to the device’s creator, ALAN DIGGET.  He had been in Russia for years, hiding from TriCor.  He knew Shekinah before she lost her smile, and his knowledge of her makes him dangerous to their mission.  After outsmarting the TriCor “playboy” agent DONALD FAIDE, Shekinah and her team whisk Digget off to a safe house, but Faide tracks them.  Using his ability to “see” in the dark, Faide kidnaps Digget and takes him back to London as he’s been ordered to do.

Shekinah goes back to TriCor to find Faide.  She forces him to take her to Digget, but what they find is a bloodied, terrified mess of a man.  Feeling responsible for Digget’s torture, Faide helps him and Shekinah escape.  Shekinah takes Digget to a hotel, where her partners are waiting with medical treatment.

Restless, Shekinah takes off and ends up in a cemetery chapel to regroup.  She prays to understand what’s going on.  In response, Light crashes through the ceiling and engulfs her.  It fixes the condition that kept her from feeling emotion and shows her an inner power she never knew she possessed.

Shekinah discovers TriCor has detained Third’s former agents.  Fearing their execution, she attempts to save her people, but is captured.  She learns she is from an alternate universe sent here after her birth for protection because of the power she possesses.  TriCor tries to harness her power, but it backfires and destroys the machines Shekinah is hooked up to.  She escapes, but not before one of her partners is killed.

With her newfound emotions, Shekinah suffers severe panic attacks and finds it difficult to handle her friend’s death.  She sees her friendship with her remaining partner in a new light, leaning on him for the first time as she begins to understand she can’t handle her emotions by herself.