Blood Harvest

[Nina]

BH is the short story that I received a rejection for. The beginning is what the people have issues with so I leave it up to the fine QT peoples:


Rejected Beginning:

Richard Cummings noted the window. Dusk settled throughout the town of Torco. A peaceful golden light bathed the historical Main Street. He checked his watch, it was a little past six. 
   He gave a lazy spin of his office chair welcoming another calm night in the police department. Just the way he liked it. As a man pushy sixty he didn’t want to worry about anything bigger than his cholesterol number or what to cook when his granddaughter May came to visit.

New Beginning:

Richard Cummings didn’t think about vampires very much. Over forty years passed since he seriously entertained their existence. Now, pushing sixty he focused on real problems, but they began the moment a vampire walked into the Torco County Police Department.
 

[Tigerbunny]

WHY NOT BOTH???  Use what works and throw out what doesn't.   

Richard Cummings, looking out the front, plate-glass window of the Torco County Sheriff's Department, watched as pink-golden dusk settled over his town.  Checking his watch, he noted it was just a little past six.  Giving his chair a lazy spin, Cummings welcomed another calm, peaceful night as he settled in over his paperwork.  Just the way he liked it.  As a man pushing sixty, he didn't want to worry about anything other than his cholesterol or what to give his granddaughter May when she came to visit.  As he sat mulling over his daily logbook, he decided he really had it pretty good considering everything that had gone on in his past.  A past that bit hard and left you cold and wanting.  In fact, Cummings didn't think about vampires very much at all anymore.  Until, of course, one walked in to the Torco County Sheriff's Department ten minutes later and ________________. 


Love this.  Good luck!


- Tigerbunny

P.S. - County is usually Sheriff, City is usually police?  Yes/No? 

 

[Zooks]

Tigerbunny did a nice job combining the two on this.  Good luck.

[munley]

I liked TB's revision as well as the original, so I created a sort of hybrid of those in my revision:

Sheriff Richard Cummings, watching the pink-golden dusk settle over his town, gave his chair a lazy spin. He welcomed another calm, peaceful night as he settled in over his paperwork.  Just the way he liked it.  As a man pushing sixty, he didn't want to worry about anything other than his cholesterol or what to give his granddaughter May when she came to visit.  He decided he really had it pretty good considering everything that had gone on in his past.  A past that bit hard and left you cold and wanting.  In fact, Cummings didn't think about vampires very much at all anymore.  Until, of course, an old, unwelcome sound made him look up from his daily logbook and let the pen fall from his hand.