Does this make sense?

[Tabris]

This is not my opening paragraph. It's actually not even a paragraph, but I'm having an argument about whether this metaphor works and this seemed the most appropriate place to seek feedback.

Memories of long afternoons, me studying in the kitchen while my father's father played in the living room, the viola's throaty alto singing tunes so familiar I knew them without ever knowing them. In that ordinary world I first came alive, first looked up to find the horizons were further than the walls of my home. I could touch fire. I could cup it right there in my palms and kindle up the world.

[JeanneG]

Hmm...I think it's the "kindle up the world" that throws me. I know what you mean, as in lighting a fire, but do you "kindle up" a fire? Perhaps a different verb? Or else drop the "up" and think about kindling something that is more vibrant. A fire is often depicted as having animation, as being a life force. Rather than "world," can you think of a word that would conjure something moving and alive? The word "world" is pretty abstract.

Short answer: No, I don't think it works, but it's close. 

JeanneG

[Tabris]

Thank you. I put in the "kindle" line because the other person didn't understand what "touch fire" meant. 

[violet]

I too tripped on 'kindled up.'

Perhaps: I could cup it right there in my palms and set the world aflame.

Otherwise, I really like it! 

[Tabris]

Thank you. I've changed kindle to "ignite" in the current version but I had a great idea for shifting that sentence around in the middle of the night. If only I can remember it.

But you seem to get the "touch fire" part. I'm cool.

[Tigerbunny]

I think ignite is much better, but seriously stumble on things like father's father only because I mentally stop to figure that out or examine whether or not it's a typo.  I know, right?  I much prefer grandfather to father's father but that's probably just me. 

Very much liked the paragraph though and your changes. 

- Tigerbunny

[Tabris]

Thank you. I changed that sentence again so now "ignite" isn't in there either. 

While I understand you're concern about the beginning, I think in the context of the actual story "father's father" is going to be a lot clearer than it is out of context, so I'm not worried about anyone pausing to figure it out. Also, the word "grandfather" appears in the previous sentence, but there's no way you could have known that because I didn't include the entire paragraph.

[Tabris]

Okay, if it helps, this is the section around the problematic words:

---

        He was right: music wasn't transferable. When I put down the viola, the music stopped. If I didn't practice, I'd lose my skill. A painter doesn't need to practice for the next viewer to see the same landscape, but a friend can't pick up my viola and hear my music. Even worse, when I pick up my viola, the only music it plays is my own.
   I miss my grandfather. My viola was once my grandfather's viola, but now that was all I had of him. Memories of long afternoons, me studying in his kitchen while my father's father played in the living room, the viola's throaty alto singing tunes so familiar I knew them without ever knowing them. In that ordinary world I first came alive, first looked up to find the horizons were further than the walls of my home. I could touch fire. I could cup it in my palms, heat and light together, and set the world ablaze.
   In those days I'd close my eyes and become someone else, something else, and my grandfather and I could play together to forge something between us that was real, that was more than just an old man and a young girl and two pieces of wood, more than just eight vibrating strings.
   And that breathless moment when he pressed his viola into my smooth hands with his knobby ones and said this is yours, this will always be yours, and for the first time I had a way out. A way up.
   Yet twelve years later my grandfather's songs were as faint in my mind as the scent of his aftershave, and I'd never hear them again.

[Midwest]

Tabris, given the context and previous phrase, you could use "he" instead of "my father's father" and that might be smoother. I like "ignite" vs "kindle up."

[JeanneG]

Definitely better! Do you mind a few tweak suggestions from a violinist? I would call the instruments "two wood boxes" rather than "two pieces of wood."

To get around the repetition in this sentence,

I miss my grandfather. My viola was once my grandfather's viola, but now that was all I had of him.

you might try something like:

I miss my grandfather. My viola once belonged to him, but now that was all I had: nothing but his treasured instrument.

Other than that, this looks good.

JeanneG

[Tabris]

Thanks, Jeanne. They now have magic wooden boxes. 

[munley]

I like this a lot, particularly the sense of a vaster world out there and the paradox of knowing something (songs) you didn't know.  It sounds like a gut understanding.

I think "my father's father" is terminology that has two problems:

1)  It draws attention to itself as an official genealogical clarification (not your mother's father) not relevant to the heart of the scene and a bit jarring in tone;

2)  This is a wonderful scene of how the child is experiencing life at that very moment -- her own consciousness. Seems she would be not be conscious of him as "my father's father," but as whatever way she usually addresses him, such as Grandpap or Granddad or Pappy something.

I don't find the scene confusing at all.

[LateToTheParty]

This is not my opening paragraph. It's actually not even a paragraph, but I'm having an argument about whether this metaphor works and this seemed the most appropriate place to seek feedback.

Memories of long afternoons, me studying in the kitchen while my father's father played in the living room, the viola's throaty alto singing tunes so familiar I knew them without ever knowing them. In that ordinary world I first came alive, first looked up to find the horizons were further than the walls of my home. I could touch fire. I could cup it right there in my palms and kindle up the world.

I got nothing against the revision, but there is magic in the original phrasing.