Leasing Love - Contemporary Romance

[Aszreal]

I'm putting off revisions on this book, because I'm stuck on the last few chapters, so I decided to play with the query instead. I'm worried that I'm putting too much in here re: sub-plots, but I also wanted to highlight more than just the romance aspects of the plot. (this is just the plot blurb. Word count, genre, etc, are in a separate paragraph):

The need to split the rent lands Riley and Zane in the same apartment. Sparks fly in the close living quarters, until they realize their relationship goals couldn’t be more different.

A painful, no-strings-attached fling taught Riley the only worthwhile guys are those in it for the long-haul. She thinks she’s found the perfect solution in a friendly coworker. However, a drunken evening where she can’t remember saying yes at the end of the night leaves her second-guessing everything she believes about relationships. Plus, he’s blackmailing her into silence and submission with the company’s ‘no dating’ policy, and his threats are obstructing her chance at promotion.

When his fiancée cheated on him, Zane vowed to stop being the nice guy everyone takes advantage of. A blind date seems like the fastest route to learning the art of a one-night stand, until she uses the size of his wallet to measure his manhood. On top of that, Zane discovers an embezzlement scam at work and if he doesn’t go along with it, he’ll lose his job. He wonders if he’s got what it takes to place money, looks, and getting laid above everything else, or if his nice guy tendencies will leave him high and dry again.

Riley and Zane look to each other for support as they weigh personal ethics against their careers. But a growing attraction blurs the line between friends and lovers, and leaves them at odds. If they can’t reconcile their opposing notions about love, they’ll lose more than each other.

[dougie]

I like the first paragraph, but I'd recommend sticking to describing only your main charachter's plight in the query.   When you start discussing Zane's problems in the second paragraph, you start to make me wonder who and what this book is about. 

[Aszreal]

Good point, I could see that When I read blurbs for romance novels (back covers, etc), they tend to cover both the female and male leads/stories. It sounds like that's not the case for the query?

*back to the drawing board*

[Aszreal]

Okay, try 2 from the heroine's POV only. And question - the book is dual POV, like a lot of romance novels. If the book opens in the hero's POV, will a query from the heroine's be an issue?

The need to split the rent lands Riley and Zane in the same apartment. Sparks fly in the close living quarters, until they realize their relationship goals couldn’t be more different.

A painful, no-strings-attached fling taught Riley the only worthwhile guys are those in it for the long-haul. She thinks she’s found the perfect solution in a friendly coworker. However, a drunken evening where she can’t remember saying yes at the end of the night leaves her second-guessing everything she believes about relationships. Plus, he’s blackmailing her into silence and submission with the company’s ‘no dating’ policy, and his threats are obstructing her chance at promotion.

She turns to her roommate Zane for support as she weighs sanity against her career. But a growing attraction blurs the line between friends and lovers, and leaves them at odds. Now she’ll have to choose between love and friendship, and money and happiness.

[rachelb26]

Hey There - Great premise for a steamy romance! Sounds like a lot of fun. Comments below. Hope they help. As people around here like to say - they are worth what you pay! Good luck.


The need to split the rent lands Riley and Zane in the same apartment (This sentence is a little jarring - but the idea behind it is the perfect way to start. Can you say something like: Riley is broke/poor/desperate/ and the only way she can afford a roof over her head with a roommate - only she can't find one. (insert how she finds Zane - and she thinks she has found the perfect solution.) . Sparks fly in the close living quarters, until they realize their relationship goals couldn’t be more different.

(Again - a little jarring. Maybe something like - Zane wants no string and Riley wants commitment. Riley is determined to stand strong, still hurting from a past fling, but determination is lost one drunken evening. She can't remember saying yes.....? I am sure you can write this better - but I hope the suggestion helps). A painful, no-strings-attached fling taught Riley the only worthwhile guys are those in it for the long-haul. She thinks she’s found the perfect solution in a friendly coworker. However, a drunken evening where she can’t remember saying yes at the end of the night leaves her second-guessing everything she believes about relationships. Plus, he’s blackmailing her into silence and submission with the company’s ‘no dating’ policy, and his threats are obstructing her chance at promotion.

She turns to her roommate Zane for support as she weighs sanity against her career. But a growing attraction blurs the line between friends and lovers, and leaves them at odds. Now she’ll have to choose between love and friendship, and money and happiness.

[ChokeCherry]

Okay, try 2 from the heroine's POV only. And question - the book is dual POV, like a lot of romance novels. If the book opens in the hero's POV, will a query from the heroine's be an issue?

The need to split the rent lands Riley and Zane in the same apartment. Sparks fly in the close living quarters, until they realize their relationship goals couldn’t be more different. I agree with rachel on the first part.

A painful, no-strings-attached fling taught Riley the only worthwhile guys are those in it for the long-haul.this sentence reads odd - grammar. She thinks she’s found the perfect solution in a friendly coworker. However, a drunken eveningcomma where she can’t remember saying yes at the end of the nightcomma leaves her second-guessing everything she believes about relationships. Plus, he’s blackmailing her into silence and submission with the company’s ‘no dating’ policy, and his threats are obstructing her chance at promotion.I think this sentence could be smoother (but I'm coming up blank)

She turns to her roommate, Zane, for support as she weighs sanity against her career. But a growing attraction blurs the line between friends and lovers, and leaves them at odds. Now she’ll have to choose between love and friendship, and money and happiness.tons of 'and's in the last sentences.

I think you're on the right track! I just did some minor grammar comments.

Good luck!

[Aszreal]

Awesome suggestions, thanks so much 

Try three:

After a no-strings attached fling teaches Riley she’s a one-man woman, she decides the only guy she wants is the one who can make a commitment. Since she was splitting the rent with said fling, the revelation also leaves her looking for a new roommate. Intelligent, sexy Zane seems like the perfect answer to both. Sparks fly in the close living quarters from the moment they move in together, until she realizes he’s only interested in a one-night stand. Riley tells herself it’s no big deal; they still have a great friendship.

Besides, from the way her co-worker, Brent, is hitting on her, he must be interested in something long-term. But a bad first date drives her to seek refuge in several stiff drinks. When she wakes up naked in his bed, she can’t remember saying yes to anything before she passed out. Now she’s second-guessing everything she believes about relationships and happily ever after. On top of that, because she’s higher on the corporate food-chain, Brent’s blackmailing her into silence and submission with the company’s ‘no dating subordinates’ policy.

She turns to Zane for support as she weighs her mental well-being against her career. But they can’t ignore the growing attraction that blurs the line between friends and lovers, and leaves them at odds. With friendship, sanity, and her financial future on the line, Riley will have to decide where her priorities lie, or lose all three.

[rachelb26]

This latest draft is a lot better. I really like the energy. A few things are unclear. Hope they help! Also thanks so much for your super helpful comments on my query. I just wish I had more time for writing - less time on a job to pay the rent! Don't we all?

After a no-strings attached fling teaches Riley she’s a one-man woman, she decides the only guy she wants is the one who can make a commitment. Since she was splitting the rent with said fling (confusing - when I read this first sentence I'm not sure who is said fling? Maybe give him a name? First sentence is SO strong. Maybe cut the first half and just go on to she is looking for a roommate?), the revelation also leaves her looking for a new roommate. Intelligent, sexy Zane seems like the perfect answer to both (maybe something more like: reeling from the fling that broke her heart and on the hunt for  a new roommate RIley meets Zane - intelligent, sexy and the perfect answer. I am sure you can write it better - just a suggestion!) . Sparks fly in the close living quarters from the moment they move in together, until she realizes he’s only interested in a one-night stand (hook-ups - while he dates other women? Can it be a one night stand if they live together?) . Riley tells herself it’s no big deal; they still have a great friendship.

Besides, from the way her co-worker, Brent, is hitting on her, he must be interested in something long-term. But a bad first date drives her to seek refuge in several stiff drinks. When she wakes up naked in his (Zane's or the co-worker?) bed, she can’t remember saying yes to anything before she passed out. Now she’s second-guessing everything she believes about relationships and happily ever after. On top of that, because she’s higher on the corporate food-chain, Brent’s blackmailing her into silence and submission with the company’s ‘no dating subordinates’ policy.

She turns to Zane for support as she weighs her mental well-being against her career. But they can’t ignore the growing attraction that blurs the line between friends and lovers, and leaves them at odds. With friendship, sanity, and her financial future on the line, Riley will have to decide where her priorities lie, or lose all three. Very well done here!

[Aszreal]

Thanks so much for the comments - great suggestions