THE PRINCESS PARADOX: edited now with sentence and first paragraph

[Careyrox]

 I chose the sentence and rewrote without the question. Again...engaging? Would you want to keep reading?

I wish I had the guts to tell my best friend that I would rather gouge out my eyes with a swizzle stick than be at her wedding. Weddings, by nature, raise numerous questions if you’re attending alone and single. People you don’t even know approach you as if it’s open season on any insensitive question they can muster. Are you involved? Did you just break up with someone? Are you a lesbian?




original post:
I have 3 first sentences I am working with (revising my first Ch to hook readers aka agents). Which would more likely keep you reading?

#1
There’s something about weddings that elicit terror in a single girl.
 
#2
Weddings are god awful.

#3
How do I tell my best friend I would rather gauge my eyes out with a screwdriver than be at her wedding?

[ChokeCherry]

The first one grabs me. 2 is too direct. 3 - I simply don't like things that start with questions usually.

The 'single girl' part bothers me a little. Mostly because I know a lot of single girls who love weddings (they find them sweet and secretly dream of their own.) So I immediately react with a  -  that's not true!
But I assume your single girl: a) doesn't want to marry for some reason or the other, or b) is scared she'll never get married. 

This might just be me, though.

[Tabris]

1) Passive construction of the sentence. It feels a bit like you're reaching for Pride and Prejudice's opening line, but I don't like that. "Elicits" seems out of place. Also, the feminist in me says that if your MC is over 19, she shouldn't be thinking of herself as a girl any longer. 

2) I can get behind weddings being godawful. I'm married and I don't like going to them either, but for different reasons. :-)


Both 1 and 2 run the risk of alienating people who lurve themselves a good wedding. When you have your MC make a statement that's going to make half your readers go "That's totally not true!" or else say "meh" if they don't care one way or the other, it's got to be made in a fun enough way that people stay around for the voice. (i.e., the Pride and Prejudice opening.)  But if I opened my novel with "People who choose a political party are idiots" or "There's something about vegetarianism that elicits terror in omnivores," you'd look askance at my character, and I don't think you'd reach page two. 


3) I like this better because it's got tension right there in the opening line, but I wouldn't phrase it as a question. I'd just say, "I didn't tell my best friend I'd rather gouge out my eyes with a screwdriver than attend her wedding." Because when you do it that way, you've got loyalty at war with disgust/panic, and you've got the joy of a wedding combined with whatever is the unknown that makes her hate going to one.

[swanndown]

I was about to choose 3. and suggest phrasing the sentence as a statement, and talk about why --- and then I saw that Tabris had already done the work. So I'll just say: I concur!

[ChokeCherry]

Lol! I'm a bit slow in the mornings! It didn't occur to me that one can reword the question into a sentence
(I really really really needed that coffee!!!!!!)

Then number 3 is definitely better. Totally, absolutely agree!

[Falen]

I like 2 and 3.

I like the directness of 2, but it would all depend on the sentences that follow it to see if you can pull it off. It would probably require some backpeddling by the character to make her more sympathetic.

I don't like one because i'm a single girl and enjoy weddings so i find it offputting because of the generalization.

And yes, i also agree that #3 would be better as a statement

[AnyaHarker]

I love three, especially re-written as a statement. Something like that is just dripping with voice. :^D

[MaryL]

I have 3 first sentences I am working with (revising my first Ch to hook readers aka agents). Which would more likely keep you reading?

#1
There’s something about weddings that elicit terror in a single girl.
 
#2
Weddings are god awful.

#3
How do I tell my best friend I would rather gauge my eyes out with a screwdriver than be at her wedding?

I like the third one. I think you used the wrong word, though. Did you mean gouge? A gauge is a device used to measure something. 

[Careyrox]

@ Maryl: Yes, gouge...it was late.

As soon as I wrote the rest of the paragraph, 3 seemed to work the best too. I will reword in a more declarative way. Thanks for the input! Awesome.

When I get home, I will post the rest of the para to see what you all think. Onward!

[exercise]

Hi Careyrox:

I may be late in posting this as you have already picked #3.  I've not only read gouge my eyes out with a screwdriver, but heard it on t.v. too. 

The first sentence is a great opportunity to not only grab the reader, but introduce your main characters personality at the same time.  Does she wear designer clothes?  How about--she'd rather wear last years trends than attend the wedding.  Saw off the heels of her designer shoes.  Is she constantly watching her weight?  How about--she'd rather pig out at a fast food restaurant. Pound down a dozen glazed donuts? (Can you tell that I'm hungry)  Give up her gym membership and pound down a dozen glazed donuts.  Where does she live and where did she grow up?  She'd rather move back to ? and work at the Dollar Store.  Anyway, these are only suggestions. You know your characters fears. It took me three weeks to come up with my opening line.  Whatever you decide, you can always change later.         

[Careyrox]

Thanks exercise! Hey...I rarely have the opportunity to say those words. A friend of mine suggested, since it goes with the bridal/wedding thing (the setting of the chapter is at the bridal gown shop as she helps her friend pick out a dress), it could be something you'd find at a wedding.

Cocktail weenie?
Swizzle stick? (the stick in mixed drinks)
boutonniere?

[exercise]

Yes.  I like all three of those better. They fit the storyline.

[khosszu]

I also choose #3. And like Tabris suggested, make it into a statement. I was also partial to the the cocktail weenie LOL. It oozed personality.

My suggestion: I should really tell my best friend I'd rather gauge my eyes out with a cocktail weenie than be at her wedding. 

[Careyrox]

Khoszu: done. Used 3 and the cocktail weenie. see the first 5 (or 10) if you want to see how it turned out.

Gave you some karma to go with the cocktail weenie!