YA paranormal - please help

[greenland]

Gosh I just realized how much I missed you all! Rough year, one thing after another - but hopefully it'll be easier for some time.
Please help me to understand how bad is this beginning. I'm sure there are tons of things that can be improved here...but somehow I can't catch it myself. Thank you so much!

Trying to suppress my disappointment, I walked through the long dark-paneled hall. No occupants. False alarm again. The rustle that I’ve heard belonged to a mice family that built their nest inside the closet on the Dis side of the portal entrance, not to people as I hoped. Tatam it! I was so sure that today is the day, the day I’ve been practicing for for so long.
The sound of my steps echoed inside the empty house. In a hurry I grabbed the puniest glowbug; in the small circle of pulsating light it produced I couldn’t see anything below my waste. It didn’t bother me though, I could navigate this house with my eyes closed. Of course I was breaking the rule or two or three coming here alone at night, but I was caught only once and it was definitely worth the risk.

[Tigerbunny]

Hi greenland!  Just my two cents.  Use what works and throw the rest out?  


As I crept through the long, dark-paneled hallway, I tried hard to suppress my disappointment.  The rustling I'd heard earlier had belonged to a family of mice that had built their nest inside the closet.  On the Dis side of the portal entrance.  Tatam it! (I would not use a slang or shortened term here if this is the first paragraph.  I would expound on this and make what "Dis" is clearer?  Also, would not use "Tatam it" as this detracts from the initial set up which is a good setup.  I would use this expression later.  Creepy, dark-paneled hallways are always good, though!) 

I had been so sure that today was the day I could finally use my (witchcraft/spells/etc.) for which I had practiced for so long now. 

The sound of my steps echoed large inside the empty, forbidden house as I hurried now to (return home/get out/find my sister).  Grabbing a glowbug in the hopes of navigating the house and it's hallways better, it did little more than cast a scant glow.  In truth, I couldn't see anything below my waist.  I didn't really need the glowbug, though, as I could navigate this house of (the undead/warlocks/ghosts) with my eyes closed anyway.  But still, I relished the comfort of its soft, warm light.  Of course, I was breaking a rule or two...or three...by (leaving the school grounds/disobeying my father, etc.), but, it was all worth the risk.  At least, it would be...if I could just get out of this place.     


Like this very much!  Good luck!


 - Tigerbunny

[greenland]

Gosh, I fainted from pleasure. Then my head was spinning for some time. That's the first time for me someone other than friends liked something that I wrote. After I wrestled my emotions, I realized that I was not clear enough in some places and you misunderstood me. So now I am trying to rewrite it to make it clear but was not able to finish today. Hopefully tomorrow. Thank you Tigerbunny! That was really helpful.

[Zooks]

   w/Tigerbunny re: Dis side and Tatam it.  Give me the spooky.  yes!

[LateToTheParty]

  I got nothing better than that. Me like-y. 

[greenland]

Tatam it! I fainted two more times. Zooks, LatetoTheParty, thank you! Now - I tried to clarify some things, but there is a big chance it does not sound interesting now. Let me know please! And thanks again! You give me inspiration, Tatam knows I need it.


As I crept through the long, dark-paneled hallway, I tried hard to suppress my disappointment. The rustling I'd heard earlier had belonged to a family of mice that had built their nest inside the closet.   I had rushed here yet again in vain, hoping that on the Dis side of the portal the enemies had moved in finally, but the portal house was quiet and Disian-free. I’ve been waiting and practicing the portal guard trade forever. I was tired of waiting.

Still upset, I decided not to return home empty-handed. The sound of my steps echoed large inside the empty house as I hurried toward the stairs.  A puny glowbug in my hand did little more than cast a scant glow. I couldn't see anything below my waist.  It didn’t bother me though, as I could navigate this house with my eyes closed anyway. Of course, I was breaking a rule or two...or three...each time I was crossing the portal tunnel alone but, it would be worth the risk if Dad didn't catch me a second time.

[LateToTheParty]

Tatam it! I fainted two more times. Zooks, LatetoTheParty, thank you! Now - I tried to clarify some things, but there is a big chance it does not sound interesting now. Let me know please! And thanks again! You give me inspiration, Tatam knows I need it.


As I crept through the long, dark-paneled hallway, I tried hard to suppress my disappointment. The rustling I'd heard earlier had belonged to as a family of mice scattered from a newly built that had built their nest inside the closet.   I had rushed here yet again in vain, hoping that on the Dis side of the portal the enemies had moved in finally, but the portal house was quiet and Disian-free. I’ve been waiting and practicing the portal guard trade forever. I was tired of waiting. (Ooo, I like IT!)

Still upset, I decided not to return home empty-handed. The sound of my steps echoed large inside the empty house as I hurried toward the stairs.  A The puny glowbug in my hand did little more than cast a scant glow. I couldn't see anything below my waist.  It didn’t bother me though, (This bothers me. Don't tell us what he/she didn't do or didn't concern/both/scare him/her. CONFLICT amp it up or cut the line.)as I could navigate this house with my eyes closed anyway. Of course, I was breaking a rule or two...or three...each time I was crossing the portal tunnel alone but, it would be worth the risk if Dad didn't catch me a second time.

Quibbles but this is much better.

[greenland]

LTTP, thank you so much! I'm very very grateful (and even managed not to faint). Can I call it 'the final revision of the first paragraph'?


As I crept through the long, dark-paneled hallway, I tried hard to suppress my disappointment. A family of mice scattered from a newly built nest inside the closet.   I had rushed here yet again in vain, hoping that on the Dis side of the portal the enemies had moved in finally, but the portal house was quiet and Disian-free. I’ve been waiting and practicing the portal guard trade forever. I was tired of waiting.

Still upset, I decided not to return home empty-handed. The sound of my steps echoed large inside the empty house as I hurried toward the stairs.  The puny glowbug in my hand did little more than cast a scant glow. I couldn't see anything below my waist but I could navigate this house with my eyes closed after two years of not-exactly-authorized night visits. Of course, I was breaking a rule or two...or three...each time I was crossing the portal tunnel alone but, it would be worth the risk if Dad didn't catch me a second time.

[River]

I really like the suggestions that have already been made, especially by Latetotheparty. (Hope I wrote your screen name correctly.) Your and next to last versions are excellent. However, I had to read it twice before I realized the 'Dis' were a seperate race. Perhaps you made that clear and I just didn't catch it. (Okay, it's late and I'm tired.) Otherwise, very clever, very intriguing. Please write more and post it.

[greenland]

Thank you for your support River! I really need it now.

[lsteed]

Hi Greenland! You've gotten some good suggestions and I think this is moving in the right direction--I just tweaked a few things below.

LTTP, thank you so much! I'm very very grateful (and even managed not to faint). Can I call it 'the final revision of the first paragraph'?

As I crept through the long, dark-paneled hallway, I tried trying hard to suppress my disappointment. A family of mice scattered from a newly built nest inside the closet. I had rushed here yet again in vain, hoping that on the Dis side of the portal the enemies had finally moved in finally, but the portal house was quiet and Disian-free. I’ve I'd been waiting and practicing the portal guard trade forever. I was tired of waiting. Great sentence!

Still upset, I decided not I wasn't going to return home empty-handed. The sound of my steps echoed large inside the empty house as I hurried toward the stairs.  The puny glowbug in my hand did little more than cast a scant glow. I couldn't see anything below my waist but I could navigate this house with my eyes closed after two years of not-exactly-authorized night visits. Of course, I was breaking a rule or two...or three...each time I was crossing the portal tunnel alone but, it would be worth the risk if Dad didn't catch me a second time.

[greenland]

lsteed, thank you so much! I like most of your suggestions. Please accept electronic karma from me.