Karma for perseverance. Also, I would advise you to to keep just one thread on this forum per manuscript, rather than to keep creating new ones for each revision of your letter. You might have 10's of versions, and someone can easily see the evolution if you keep to one thread since they can read through all related pages of it. Otherwise, someone might go back to an old thread thinking it is still active and comment there, and you might miss it or it might no longer be helpful if you've decided to go in a different direction, etc.
Best of luck to you!
I humbly submit my work for your consideration.You need be neither humble nor cocky. Just be an author looking for representation. This is a business letter. Think of it as such and remove any emotional ties to the process (easier said than done, I know). The dark crime novel, Savannah, set in Natchez, Mississippi in 1957 is a mint julep with a twist of the knife. If this is a simile, you need the "like" or "as" word for it to come off correctly.
Private detective, Patrick “Trick” Devereaux, can’t win for boozing. When prominent attorney, Arthur Cosgrove’s socialite wife is brutally murdered, his alibi satisfies the police and everyone except his father-in-law, Elmer Jarvis This sentence structure results in a bit of name soup.. Trick is hired by Jarvis, whose motto is “if you can’t prosecute, persecute”. Trick is seduced by Jarvis’ maniacal blood lust this fall flat without a bit more like "to force retribution for his daughter's murder" or some such...and hundred dollar bills into taking an increasingly active and violent role in a
diabolical I've only seen this used in reference to Penelope Pitstop. Otherwise, it seems overly dramatic and kind of obvious. Just let the plan speak for itself. The reader can infer its diabolicalness or not. plan to ruin the life of Arthur Cosgrove by taking away the only things important in the Old South, money and reputation. In a case that could set Trick up for life, or for a life sentence, he battles crooked cops, local mobsters I'm sorry, but I don't know about mobsters in the south. Really? and his own demons I'd harken back to the war guilt, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, alcoholism, and whatever else drives him rather than the high-level "demons" which doesn't get at the specifics of your story...the specifics here are what will make you memorable and interesting and set your letter apart form the 100 other crime-novel pitches the agent will see this week. as he seeks retribution for what? and redemption for what? Again. Paint the picture for us. Don't just hand us a set of colors and make us fill in all the juicy details. Because we won't..
I’ve won awards for my short story, God Damn Charlotte, and my poem, The Cage, at the Heartland Writer’s Conference. My memoir of being in the tornado that destroyed our home, November 15, 1960, was published, front page
center of the Sunday edition of the Lebanon Daily Record Unless this is a major city paper, I'd just say "my local paper" and/or cite the readership numbers if you have them, on November 14, 2010.
My tweaked version for your consideration:
Patrick “Trick” Devereaux, returns to Natchez, Mississippi to rebuild his life after a traumatic stint in the Korea war - but finds he can't win for boozing.
Trick opens a one-man detective agency, but wracked with guilt over the best friend who died protecting him, he soon finds himself short-handed since he's got a firm grip on a bottle, and it on him. But small-town life in Natchez is rocked when the wife of Arthur Cosgrove, a prominent attorney, turns up murdered. Cosgrove's alibi satisfies everyone except his father-in-law, Elmer Jarvis, whose motto is “if you can’t prosecute, persecute." And Jarvis thinks Trick is the perfect man for the job.
Seduced by Jarvis' free-flowing hundred-dollar bills, Trick begins taking an increasingly active role in Jarvis' plan to ruin Cosgrove by taking the only things that matter in the Old South: money and reputation. In a case that could set him up for life - or for a life sentence - Trick manipulates crooked cops and discovers just how far he'll go to get the job done.
My pitch-dark crime novel, SAVANNAH, is a story as exhilarating and refreshing as mint julep with a twist of the knife. I’ve won awards for my short story, God Damn Charlotte
, and my poem, The Cage
, at the Heartland Writer’s Conference. My memoir of being in a tornado that destroyed our home was published on the front page of the Sunday edition of the Lebanon Daily Record in 2010.