YA Contemporary Fantasy

[RachelxRussell]

The revisions never end! Fresh eyes who hadn't seen previous versions told me my latest query was a jumbled mess essentially. I started a new thread because I've started all the way over from scratch again. This is the meat-and-bones of the plot. I need to know: what works and doesn't, is it confusing, does it catch your interest and make you want to read more, etc.

Be harsh. I can handle it. Especially after this past week of restarting my query over and over. I have two versions below. Which works best?


Dear _____:

Sixteen-year-old Catalina Bramson loathes mucking manure out from the pegasus’ stall at her parents’ Myth Rescue Center, but fleeing murderous mages isn’t the alternative she pictured.

Harvesters—people who harvest body parts from mythical creatures to gain magical powers—are the reason Catalina spends her time nursing maimed Myths back to health. When a mortally wounded unicorn arrives at the center, it passes on a coded message with its dying breath, catapulting Catalina into danger. Now, the Harvesters are eager to put her into an early grave for knowing their plans. They intend to corrupt the magic binding the world together to reshape everything under their rule.

Enlisting the help of her dying boyfriend, Catalina must find a way to stop the Harvesters. Catalina learns a secret though. She’s the reason her boyfriend suffers from a fatal illness. If Catalina wants to prevent the Harvesters from destroying everything she holds dear, she’ll have to betray the boy she loves to do so.

HARVESTER is a YA contemporary fantasy novel complete at 70,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[RachelxRussell]

Anyone have any thoughts at all?  ;-;

[violet]

Karma for posting, Rachel! 

Right now, I think you need to find a bit more focus. I'll take a stab at it....

Sixteen-year-old Catalina Bramson loathes mucking manure out from the pegasus’ stall at her parents’ ---> feels a bit clunky. Could you just say 'where she works?' The fact that her parents own it doesn't feel important. Myth Rescue Center, but fleeing murderous mages isn’t the alternative she pictured. This complicates things, I think.

Harvesters—people who harvest body parts from mythical creatures to gain magical powers—are the reason Catalina spends her time nursing maimed Myths back to health. When a mortally wounded unicorn arrives at the center, it passes on a coded message with its dying breath, catapulting --->maybe a different word since you have 'cat' twiceCatalina into danger. Now, the Harvesters are eager to put her into an early grave for knowing their plans. How did they find out? They intend to corrupt the magic binding the world together to reshape everything under their rule.

Enlisting the help of her dying boyfriend, Catalina must find a way to stop the Harvesters. Catalina learns a secret though. ---> She just learned one above. Not that she can't learn two, but, somehow this feels too much. She’s the reason her boyfriend suffers from a fatal illness. ---> This feels like a whole new plot.
If Catalina wants to prevent the Harvesters from destroying everything she holds dear, she’ll have to betray the boy she loves to do so.---> This end hook doesn't work for me, somehow.

Right now, I feel like these are almost separate tales. I'm sure they're well-blended in the story, but it's not coming through in the query. A couple of other things: what does the MC want? Things are happening TO her, but she comes off a bit passive. And what are the stakes? Betraying the boy she loves to save the world? That just doesn't seem like enough. She can always go back and beg his forgiveness. 

Not sure if this helped, but I hope it did a little! 

[Mere Joyce]

I agree with violet that the query seems to have multiple plots going on...simplifying it to one main plot would help out a lot I think!  My suggestions are below, =)

The revisions never end! Fresh eyes who hadn't seen previous versions told me my latest query was a jumbled mess essentially. I started a new thread because I've started all the way over from scratch again. This is the meat-and-bones of the plot. I need to know: what works and doesn't, is it confusing, does it catch your interest and make you want to read more, etc.

Be harsh. I can handle it. Especially after this past week of restarting my query over and over. I have two versions below. Which works best?


Dear _____:

Sixteen-year-old Catalina Bramson loathes mucking manure out from the pegasus’ stall at her parents’ Myth Rescue Center, but fleeing murderous mages isn’t the alternative she pictured. (In this sentence, you make it seem like she is stuck doing the "crappy" jobs at the Center, when perhaps she longs to be more useful, or else to leave the Center altogether.  However, in the next sentence, you say that Catalina spends her time nursing maimed Myths back to health.  Does she like helping the wounded Myths?  There seems to be an inconsistency in her duties here, and perhaps in her feelings towards helping out at the Center?) 

Harvesters—people who harvest body parts from mythical creatures to gain magical powers—are the reason Catalina spends her time nursing maimed Myths back to health. When a mortally wounded unicorn arrives at the center, it passes on a coded message with its dying breath, catapulting Catalina into danger (I'm not a fan of this sentence...I think the "coded message" needs to be explained a bit more.  How is it coded?  What is the message about?  I feel like you could eliminate the "coded" part, and say that the unicorn passes on a message warning Catalina about XXX, which puts her in danger.  I am also not a fan of "catapulting" because, as violet mentioned, you have the "cat" in this paragraph twice already!  I seem to remember someone suggesting "propel"?  That might work.). Now, the Harvesters are eager to put her into an early grave for knowing their plans. They intend to corrupt the magic binding the world together to reshape everything under their rule. (I'd like to see a little bit more about this as well...why do they want to reshape everything...or can you give an example of what they plan to do?)

Enlisting the help of her dying boyfriend, Catalina must find a way to stop the Harvesters. Catalina learns a secret though. She’s the reason her boyfriend suffers from a fatal illness. If Catalina wants to prevent the Harvesters from destroying everything she holds dear, she’ll have to betray the boy she loves to do so. (This seems like an entirely different story altogether.  I would suggest either deleting it from the query, or if it's really crucial to the plot, is there anyway you can incorporate the boyfriend earlier in the query?  I feel like we're caught up in the Harvesters plot now, and it's too late to add a whole new layer with the dying boyfriend.)

HARVESTER is a YA contemporary fantasy novel complete at 70,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I think this sounds like an interesting story.  I love the idea of the Myth Rescue Center!  I just think the query needs to be a bit more simplified for it to really make an impact!  =)