Cherish, YA paranormal

[Sheritha]

 
Hi everyone

Please let me know if this works.

Thanks in advance.

My sixteenth birthday coincides with Marcus’s return to Blythedale.

 “Sarah, I didn’t convince Dad to book this club so you could spend the evening outside.”

  My best friend Pri glares at me, willing me to at least pretend I’m having a good time. Pri’s gone all out to celebrate Marcus’s return to South Africa, mostly because I’ve crushed on him for the last two years.

[AlythiaB]

I had to read this a couple times only because there isn't much to read to gain reference. But I think I get what's going on now, and it works. Maybe post the entire paragraph from this passage and highlight the sentences that are bothering you for a better critique? Sounds like the boy the MC likes has left for S. Africa and she's moping even though she's at a party her best friend's dad hosted at a club?

[Kimmy]

Hi! I think you need a stronger opening sentence. Something like:

When Marcus returned from South Africa, he had no idea that my goal in life was to make him mine.

[rnpudel]

Hi! I think you need a stronger opening sentence. Something like:

When Marcus returned from South Africa, he had no idea that my goal in life was to make him mine.

I agree.