I seem to have developed an addiction to critiquing synopses ... hopefully some of this is helpful!
Oh, the dreaded Synopsis. I'm ready to start searching for agents for my novel Dreamcatchers, and while I had hoped to avoid writing one of these, it seems that everyone and their dog is requesting it along with your query letter nowadays. So here we go. Attempt #1. Thanks so much for your help in advance!
When seventeen-year-old JANE DOE wakes in a secure facility hooked up to tubes and strange medical equipment, she
may have has no memories from before that moment, but she knows this is she's in a dangerous place and that she must get out of there. Chased by black vans, Jane runs away in search of a safe place to hide and finds herself in the city slums, a place called the Trench. (echo)
Upon her haphazard escape, Jane meets a ragtag group of teens who call themselves Dreamcatchers. They aren’t your garden-variety street urchins; they’re running a clandestine operation to protect their neighborhood from Nightcrawlers,(dash) creatures that manifest in dreams yet do serious damage to the waking world. Not only have
they the Dreamcatchers mastered the ability to enter the dream world, but they have each developed super-powers superpowers. On their meeting, Jane surprises them, and herself, with her ability to control the Nightcrawlers. Desperate to figure out why she has amnesia and where her family is, Jane takes advantage of the Dreamcatchers , putting She puts on a sweet and innocent act, and feeding them a false story, (dash) one that makes her sound more trustworthy than her real one. (I like dashes. I'm sure you could find another solution if you prefer..) Despite her guilt about lying to them, especially to their leader, Sam, whom she’s quickly falling in love with, Jane’s relieved that they let her join their ranks. Too many commas here. You could use (you guessed it!) dashes. "Despite her guilt about lying to them -- especially to their leader, Sam, whom she’s quickly falling in love with -- Jane’s relieved that they let her join their ranks."
Jane learns that out of the ashes of World War Three, a pharmaceutical corporation known as Sleep Co has created a sleep aid to maintain the health of the citizens who live in the glossy and orderly Capital. However, one of the side effects of this technology, known only to the Dreamcatchers, is the Nightcrawlers that are destroying the Trench. These dangerous creatures are only one of the many challenges living in the Trench presents, but recently even more nefarious incidents have coincided with Jane’s arrival. First part of the sentence is vague. Could you cut it completely? Or add specific examples of the challenges? Children in the Trench are disappearing, being taken by mysterious black vans prowling the neighborhood and the Dreamcatchers suspect that Sleep Co is involved. When one of their own is kidnapped, Jane and the Dreamcatchers find him at Sleep Co, along with all the other kidnapped children, but unfortunately they find more than Jane bargained for: her uncle, Dr Anderson. Run-on sentence. Very exciting things are happening here - could you make them more dramatic by using shorter, stronger sentences? "Jane and the Dreamcatchers sneak into Sleep Co and find all the kidnapped children. Unfortunately for her, that's not all they find. A man named Dr. Anderson claims to be her uncle and begs her to come back to Sleep Co to continue her research." Except I'm not totally sure whether or not she recognizes Dr. Anderson when she sees him? Has she recovered some of her memory by now? To her horror, he pleads with her to come home to Sleep Co to continue her research. After
they discover her liesdiscovering who she really is, the Dreamcatchers accuse Jane of spying on them and kick her out onto the street.
Unsure of what else to do, Jane returns to Sleep Co, the last place she ever wanted to see again, where she is sad to discover that Dr Anderson is the last family she has left alive, except for her comatose sister who’s body is being kept alive in the basement for experiments. Another run-on sentence. Maybe "With nowhere else to go, Jane returns to Sleep Co. She discovers that the only family she has left alive besides Dr. Anderson is her comatose sister, who's being experimented on in the basement." Or, if you keep the phrase as is, "who's body" should be "whose body". Jane learns that her amnesia was caused by Dr Anderson himself when he sabotaged Jane’s original plans to take Sleep Co down for their cruel methods.
Seeing this as her second chance to make things right, Jane convinces the Dreamcatchers to help her destroy the evil corporation, save their team member, and stop the experiments on her sister,period
and hopefully, She hopes to prove herself to the Dreamcatchers, and especially to Sam. In a dream world battle that not everyone comes away unscathed or even survives, Jane faces her uncle and manages to outmaneuver him, giving the authorities enough time to show up and shut them down for good. run-on. How about: "Jane faces her uncle in a dream-world battle and manages to outmaneuver him, finally shutting Sleep Co down for good." The mention of the authorities intervening here threw me. Where were they during the rest of the story? Who are these "authorities"? When they all return home to the Trench, Sam convinces Jane to stay despite everything,(period) and Wwhile she knows he’s doing it as a friend, and that is enough for now, she hopes that if she becomes a better person, she will one day deserve him again.
This last sentence didn't sit well with me. So she made something up when she couldn't remember who she was ... she has single-handedly destroyed the bad guy and saved all the kidnapped children. What's so great about this Sam guy, anyways, that she doesn't deserve him? You have such a great, strong female MC until she goes all gooey hoping she might one day be worthy enough to deserve the guy. (just my opinion of course - sorry for the rant!) And in case it isn't clear, I really like your story!!