Does this read well? Dark Waters YA Dark Fantasy

[rnpudel]

UPDATE: New entry below.

Okay, I had to put two short paragraphs in here. Hope that's okay. I'm basically wondering if this makes sense. Thanks!


Bigfoot is real. And even if I hadn’t seen a family of three large, hairy creatures in the Canadian mountains while hunting with my sisters and aunts, I’d still know the beings existed. It’s not hard to figure out. When every culture, in every generation, shares tales of a particular type of creature with uncanny similarities—despite the different names given—you know those stories are based on fact.

I can’t think of one single continent of people lacking some sort of stinky, fur-covered creature lore. Just like I can’t think of a single country or tribe whose whispers don’t sometimes include warnings of the powerful huntresses of the night. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that those creatures exist—I am one.

[KimberlyAfe]

Hello,

I've tried several times to post a response here for you but having problems.  I don't know if it's too long or what, but I will try again later.

Kimberly

[KimberlyAfe]

Hello,

Trying this again.

This makes sense to me.  The only thing I wasn't sure about was if she was a bigfoot creature or a huntress of the night.  It's a great ending to the paragraph but I just wasn't sure.  Also, if she is a huntress, it might be good to add more detail about the huntresses so that there is more impact when she reveals she is one (if she is one and not a bigfoot).  Right not it doesn't seem like that big of a deal (even though I know it's supposed to be) without knowing just a tiny bit more about them.   Also, I had cut a few minor things to helpf with flow that you may or may not agree with.   The things I cut (and might be why I can't post) are:

"particular type of"  in the first paragraph, 4th sentence
"--despide the different names give--" in the first paragraph, 4th sentence
"of people" in the second paragraph, first sentence

This sounds really cool.  I hope something here helps!

Kimberly

P.S.  I hope this works this time!

[rnpudel]

Thank you so much for your input! I noticed this thread has been viewed numerous times, and without any feedback. Makes a girl wonder why. So, thanks!

[rnpudel]

I've taken your suggestions and tweaked it a bit. How's this?


     Bigfoot is real. And even if I hadn’t seen a family of three large, hairy creatures in the Canadian mountains while hunting with my sisters and aunts, I’d still know the beings existed. It’s not hard to figure out. When every culture, in every generation, shares tales of a creature with uncanny similarities—despite the different names given—you know those stories are based on fact.

     I can’t think of a single continent lacking some sort of stinky, fur-covered creature lore. Just like there isn’t a country or tribe whose whispers didn’t, at some point in history, include warnings of the powerful huntresses of the night. Females whose strength and prowess could bring any warrior to his knees pleading for mercy—begging that they not devour him. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that those creatures exist. I am one.

[KimberlyAfe]

You are so welcome.  I found this piece intriguing! 

I love the changes and the little details you added about the huntress are awesome and make me really interested in the story!  I only have one more tiny suggestion and that is to take out the word 'that' in the 2nd paragraph, 2nd to the last sentence where she says "And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt those creatures exist." (I took it out in this example)

If you need eyes on another chapter or two, I'd be happy to take a look.  Just email me, my email is listed.

[rnpudel]

Thank you! I'll be emailing. And karma for you!!!!! PS. the THAT is gone! 

[greenland]

Powerful huntress sounds fascinating. But please explain later how she knows that every culture, every generation, every continent have a corresponding tale cause she sounds more like a scientist who study Bigfoot or an adventurer who spend a lifetime hunting one.

[rnpudel]

I ended up taking out the Big Foot part because too many critiquers were saying it confused them, or caught them up for a second. Plus, this story has nothing to do with that hairy creature, I was merely trying to explain something, and in doing that, I think I was talking down to the reader, which is a mistake. I took the whole first two paragraphs out and just started it with the dialog and action scene. But, I wonder if I should fit in the powerful huntress thing still. Here's my new bits of the ms:

“Why do you keep picking the thinnest branches?” my oldest sister, Arlana called out from a mature, towering evergreen as she paused in her tree-jumping to reassess our location.

“What’s the fun in catapulting from the thick branches?” I crouched, positioning my body to leap from the narrow limb covered in pine needles to a thread of a twig ten feet higher, on a nearby tree.

“Um, I’d say not falling on your ass when the tiny, weak branch breaks!” Celine, my other older sister, laughed.   

I pulled my body low, my thighs clenched like powerful coils preparing to release their bursts of energy. There was no need to stay still, to concentrate on the movement of the wind through the trees, or to remind myself of the correct footing for such a jump. I’d done it countless times before, mastered the art of tree-hopping. I aimed a quick smile at Arlana as the coils of muscle beneath me shot out and launched me much higher than my sisters. The moist night air greeted me with a gush, wrapping itself in my black hair as water droplets pelted my face. My hands, outstretched in front of me, parted the needles and pine cones before my feet found their place on the spindly branch.
 

[River]

Hi-
I really loved parts of all three versions but I like the last one the best. It seems the story really starts with that last paragraph, though. The dialog seems to belong somewhere further on. I like the word 'coils'-powerful imagery. But perhaps you could use a synonym instead of using the same word twice. And I don't know what kind of voice you are using but I am wondering if these magical creatures would use a phrase like 'falling on your ass'.

I would certainly read this book. Do you have a title yet?

[greenland]

Maybe it make sense to show that her oldest sis is worried about her, something like "Be careful! That branch will break!"?