FF POLICY 99...back story no longer??

[bbrodie]

OK this now starts in NZ, hope this works better minus 85% of the back story

Chapter 1

   Have you ever really smelled a horse? There is something deep, earthy and genuine about their smell. It’s unmistakable. The smell filled Duncan’s senses as he brushed out Wilder, his Brumby stallion who was much more interested in his bucket of oats than his grooming. Almost all the horses had been watered and fed, when Duncan heard his cell ring over in the feed room. Racing in from the stall he smiled noticing it was an 802 number; Cal, from UVM was the only one he knew with that exchange. Trying not to drop the phone into the water bucket, he quickly picked it up eager to hear from the yank he had met years ago at Uni in Melbourne..

   “Hellooo!” Duncan chimed as he filled the last water bucket cradling the phone in his neck.

   “Duncan? it’s Cal. I figured I’d catch you right about now.”

   “Cal??  You don’t say! How are you goin’? Are you in Melbourne or Vermont?”

   “I’m in Vermont, but I wanted to catch you this morning.”

   “Evening here mate...what’s up?”

   “Yeah, that’s right. Well, something came across my desk this morning and I thought of you right away. The university wants to fund some international breeding for their equine program. I know you’re in New Zealand now, but are you still working with those little Australian Brumby horses? “

   Duncan closed the barn door and walked over to the porch sitting down as he started to take off his barn boots.

   “Sure am. We’re just starting show week in Hawkes Bay. It’s big and Gannet’s Choice is lookin’ good.”

   “Damn! That’s exactly why I thought of you. UVM’s offering a two-year position for a visiting professor and researcher. It’s got Duncan McLean written all over it.”

   “Geez, that sounds bloody great, but this is just bad timing. I think maybe Jenna and I are getting ready to start our own McClean breeding program, if you know what I mean.”  

   “Congratulations! Man, that’s even better!”

   “Well, we’re not there yet, but I don’t want to wait much longer. Hell you’ve got teenagers already and you’re only two years older than me.”

   “Yeah but Jenna’s young. You guys have loads of time. And... if you decide you want to wait another two years, think about Vermont. You keep saying you’ll come soon. “

   “Yeah yeah, soon mate, soon.”

   “Well think about it, and give my best to Jenna.”

   “Will do. Stay in touch!” Duncan felt honored to have been considered, and if he hadn’t felt he and Jenna were on the cusp of some major changes in their lives already, he would have given much more thought to the offer.  

   He first saw Jenna in 2003 when he was a judge for the Sydney Royal Horse Competition. Although he knew he was supposed to be judging all horses equally, seeing the lithe and graceful rider and her champion Arabian mare, made the other riders pale in comparison. She too noticed the attractive new judge immediately. The other two blokes wore outdated glasses and dressed like old farts. No doubt, once you arrived at this level of competition, the show circuit had a reputation for being overly representative of old wealth and pomp. Duncan, on the other hand, looked like a breath of excitement had finally entered the stately ring of equitation: younger, gorgeous and actually smiling she noted.

   The Sydney show was Jenna’s first big win at such a prestigious competition, but not her last. She and Duncan were married two years later and although there was a string of broken hearts on both sides of the aisle at their wedding, when Duncan saw her on her father’s arm that day, he felt content that his roguish bachelor days were permanently behind him.

   Duncan had barely put his phone down when Jenna’s SUV sped into the driveway and she bounded out and kissed him seductively.

   “Hi baby. We did very well today!” she purred as she ran her hands through Duncan’s wavy dark hair.

   “Ah did we?” he laughed. “Ooooh, I’ve got an idea”. Duncan ran into the house and grabbed a blanket, some champagne flutes and a bottle of champagne. He led Jenna up to back knoll of Gannet’s Run.

   Two years earlier when the real estate agent had shown him properties in the Hawkes Bay area, he had recognized the potential for expanding his breeding business and hopefully starting a family of his own. But when she showed him Gannet’s Run, the potential became a reality as he stood on the front porch smelling the ocean air and drinking in the view. Duncan looked at the real estate agent and smiled.

   “When would we be able to move in?”

   “The owners have already returned to the states for health reasons, so they are eager to sell quickly.” Many ex-pats from the U.S. fall in love with the coastline and buy a New Zealand “lifestyle” property based on pure emotion only to find a few years later that the thirty hours of travel back to the states is not like flying to Cabo. “There are several prospective buyers, but I assure you that any reasonable offer will be considered. They are genuinely interested in selling”

   Duncan made an offer that late December afternoon and within a month he had packed Jenna’s three mares and his prized stallion onto a container ship along with what little they had accrued during the first three years of their marriage and moved in just in time for the final days of New Zealand summer. In their first October as the air became laden with the scents of apple blossoms and deep rich earth, Jenna spread manure out for Duncan to till into a garden. As he watched Jenna planting the lettuce in a revealing tank top with her dark hair falling loosely out of her ponytail and dirt smudged on her arms and neck, Duncan felt he’d died a happy man if time stopped right then and there.

    It was quiet along their ocean side road and their neighbors were generally sheep farmers and vintners from a few of the recent New Zealand vineyards that had started to crop up nearby. Duncan loved listening to the ocean at night with the soft sounds of lambs baaing in the field next to his house and the gentle sound of horses running through the paddock on a moonlit night. He and Jenna often hiked up to the top of the small knoll at the back of their property in the late afternoon to watch the moon rise over the ocean. On nights when the moon wasn’t full, they contented themselves with laying back on a blanket and watching the southern cross and the satellites cross the sky. There always seemed to be the perfect gentle breeze: enough to cool them, but not chill them. Duncan often romanticized that a night on the knoll could one-day result in the start of their family.

   That night on the knoll they drank their champagne and watched the moonrise while they made love.

“Jenna?” He said lazily while looking up at the stars. “What do you think about Carina as a girl’s name?”

   Jenna looked at him and said surprisingly “Why, do you know someone named Carina that I should be aware of?”

   “Nah Nah ….I was just thinking that when we have a girl we should call her Carina after the constellation.”

   She didn’t respond, but smiled at him and curled into the soft crook of his shoulder. Now a woman in her thirties, Duncan assumed that Jenna must be thinking about a family too. Not having dosed off until the very early hours of the morning, Duncan's eyelids sensed the morning light creeping into his dream; he resisted waking up, happy to let the world pass by. But once the early morning sun started to beat down on the knoll, Jenna jumped up. Not the least bit embarrassed, she dressed within full view of the early morning beach traffic. She was frantic because she had planned to get the horses into the show early that morning.

   The Hawkes Bay Horse of the Year Show takes place every year in March. It has become one of the premier Australasian equine events and was the perfect place for Duncan and Jenna to showcase their horses. Their Brumby-Warmblood mare, Gannet’s Choice, was a local favorite, and Jenna a favorite local. Duncan’s careful selection and breeding over the years had reintroduced a line of Brumbies that fully reflected some of the highest stock bloodlines from which these wild horses had descended. A win, or even a strong showing at the event would ensure breeding consultations and contracts for years, with the ensuing financial freedom allowing them to start a family. But it was during show week that year that Duncan realized he and Jenna would never conceive a child on the lovely knoll behind his house.

   Jenna and Duncan quickly loaded the horses and tack into the trailer and he went back to pack her a picnic breakfast and lunch.  As she breezed in and saw her picnic she smiled. Duncan saw her appreciation and took her into his arms saying in a boyishly sexy tone,” It was good last night wasn’t it? “

   “Well….it’s always good”, she responded with an equally sensual tone.

   “So if you do well, this week, I was thinking maybe I could have you home every night. I figure with the new contracts and my consulting, you could retire from the ring a bit.

   “But why would I retire from the ring? That’s my part of the business, Duncan.” Jenna had barely missed a beat with her response.

   “Right, right, but I thought maybe you could take some time off so we could start our family. Not forever. Just for ten years or so.”

Jenna looked at him incredulously, “ Ten years? Oh darlin’ you must have had too much champagne last night. I’m not going to leave the ring for ten years just to have kids. Duncan we have everything we need already. Your breeding is going well, I’m winning top ribbons for your stock. Why would we want to change that?”

   Unintentionally, Duncan started to stammer a little angrily. “ To have a family Jenna! To have our kids, Jenna!!”
   “Duncan, what is the rush to have kids?”

   “Rush? We’ve been married for almost five years. I’m forty-five. And you are not getting any younger either!”

   “Hold on there! You might be getting old, but I still have a long way to go before I’m your age. She laid that comment out with more bite than she had intended. “I’m not sure what dialed your fun-meter down, but I’m still looking to enjoy life!”

   “Damn it Jenna. I’m not talking about a death sentence, I’m talking about kids! It’s not like we can wait forever. You’ve got to grow up some time!”

   “I need to get to the show.”

   The scowl on her face made Duncan realize he had hit a nerve as he watched her go.

   Jenna stormed out and Duncan remembered how he had thought her fire and ambition was alluring and sexy when he met her seven years ago. He shook his head in disbelief. How could he have misread her and not known how she felt about kids?

    That evening when Jenna arrived, there was no sexy kiss and escape to the knoll. But noticing Duncan had made her favorite lamb dinner she magnanimously offered up a different scenario.  Maybe they could adopt some kids and Duncan could stay home with them while she continued on the circuit. Duncan’s head spun as he heard her proposal. The thought of her off prancing around the show circuit while he stayed home as Mr. Dad, was not the idyllic life he had envisioned. That didn’t sound much like a partnership to him! The evening ended dramatically with him saying she needed to grow up and stop acting like selfish child for the sake of their marriage. Perhaps it was the fact that his comments hit close to the mark, or just that he had more mundane hopes for their lives, but Jenna stormed out and drove off in the direction of town.
   
 At two AM Duncan woke up to the sound of a car on the road, but it passed by. He missed her next to him, and wondered how many nights she might stay in their show trailer instead of at home. In their first years of being together, they rarely slept apart. Stud farms across Europe, the Americas and Australasia knew of Duncan’s expertise and regularly appealed to him to come and expand his horizons with their breed stock. It didn’t matter if they were raising race horses or dressage horses, breeding was a significant factor. An American Beer producer had even approached him once about breeding a calmer Clydesdale. But if expanding his horizons had meant being away from Jenna for more than a few days, he declined. The empty space next to him that night invaded haunted him until dawn’s first light.

   When Jenna came back the next day to get her riding clothes she was civil, but cool despite Duncan’s attempts at apologizing. He wisely suggested that they should talk after things settled down with the show, but a chasm the size of the Wellington Fault Line had begun to form.

   Show week: up early, out the door at sunrise, polish tack, check schedules, ride in several events with several horses, feed the horses, brush and bathe them, get ready for the following day, and finally spruce up for an evening out. It was an exhausting week for Jenna, and Duncan did as much as he could to support her. Despite the never-ending obligations though, she thrived on the dizzying excitement of the win both in the ring and in business. In the evening there were always sponsors to schmooze, and Duncan usually headed home to tend to the stock that was not at the show while Jenna wined and dined the moneyed people. There is a lot of money in equine management, but most of it comes from an elite group of clients. Jenna, with her Sydney upbringing was more well suited to securing that kind of money since she could play off of Duncan’s reputation. Jenna could sip an Elephant Hill Chardonnay and smile assuredly at a fifty-year old millionaire and by the end of the bottle he would be writing checks and signing contracts. Despite being married, she never lost her finesse at making men do what she wanted. Duncan had seen her in action on several occasions and marveled at her ability to manipulate even the most ruthless businessman with her smile. She complained that she got much better results when Duncan wasn’t around, so Duncan usually stayed home although her rationale bothered him. “Darling, you know they don’t want to be reminded I’m married when they buy me dinner. Don’t worry, it’s all for the business.” In actuality he preferred a quiet night at home anyway.

   Duncan had grown up on a farm outside of Melbourne, and although he was well travelled and, in fact, had been quite a player before meeting Jenna, he was content to read or go to sleep early now. Jenna usually arrived back at the Gannet’s Run around eleven on show nights waking him up with stories about her evening successes; although some nights she just slipped in beside him and claimed a final prize before dozing off to sleep herself. This week however, she just slipped in late and back out at sunrise without much conversation and even less human touch. It was the second to last night of the show, when Duncan decided to surprise Jenna in town and join the crew for dinner.  Still feeling the bite of their argument from earlier in the week, he thought going out together might rekindle some romance for the evening. He parked on the show grounds and walked over to the trailer to check on the horses before heading over to the local bar “The Last Paddock”.
   
The show trailer Duncan had bought at Jenna’s pleading was more of a Mack truck than a horse trailer. It comfortably carried four horses and their gear in high style, but also had a kitchenette, enclosed toilet and a double bed for sleeping away at shows. “It’s a land-yacht” Duncan would tell her sarcastically, but Jenna insisted that all the conveniences were quite in keeping with her show circuit. As Duncan neared the trailer he was annoyed that Jenna had left lights on in the trailer when it was empty thinking it would drain the batteries down. What he didn’t expect was that when he entered the trailer, it was not empty. Jenna and a young show jumper from Queensland were on the double bed with little on, fully involved in making love. Duncan was astounded when he looked at her.
   
“What the hell?”

   “O Jesus. Duncan! I....I”..she tried to speak, but couldn’t.

   “I don’t believe this. I just don’t believe this.”

   “Duncan!” Jenna called after him, but didn’t get up to pursue him.

   He stumbled out of the trailer in disbelief and headed to his car. Thinking of the scrawny jumper who was defiling his dream, Duncan’s first instinct was to drive the car into the side of the trailer, but he drove to the beach instead to sort his head out.  Listening to the waves and seeing only the white foam running in from the dark ocean beyond, he dabbled his feet in the water. Would she even miss me if I just walked out in the ocean and never returned, he wondered. His father’s pragmatism kicked in though and he knew he had to face the fallout of what he had just witnessed.

   He waited over an hour before he returned back to Gannet’s Run expecting that Jenna would be there with a sorrowful apology. He imagined they would have quite a row, but hoped that they could make up and move forward depending on how Jenna reacted. As he pulled in the driveway though, he noticed Jenna’s car was not there. Perhaps someone had brought her home because she was distraught or had been drinking too much he rationalized. But when he searched through the house, and there was no sign of her, his rationalizations all melted away like the wax from the citronella candle that had been left burning on the porch that evening.  Her absence, the fact that she didn’t even try to console him, made her intentions quite clear.

   Duncan reached over to pick up his cell, paused, noted the time, and then dialed.

   “Cal, it’s Duncan”. He took a deep decisive breath before asking the next question. “When do you want me in Vermont?”

[Tabris]

Okay, so, I'll be less laaaaaazy and reply here:

   Have you ever really smelled a horse? There is something deep, earthy and genuine about their smell. It’s unmistakable. Kind of a telly beginning. You could just begin with "Wilder's earthy smell filled Duncan's senses as he brushed etc etc . The smell filled Duncan’s senses as he brushed out Wilder, his Brumby stallion who was much more interested in his bucket of oats than his grooming. Almost all the horses had been watered and fed, no comma when Duncan heard his cell ring over in the feed room. Racing in from the stall he smiled noticing it was an 802 number; Cal, from UVM was the only one he knew with that exchange. Trying not to drop the phone into the water bucket, he quickly picked it up eager to hear from the yank he had met years ago at Uni in Melbourne..

   “Hellooo!” Duncan chimed said as he filled the last water bucket cradling the phone in his neck.

   “Duncan? it’s Cal. I figured I’d catch you right about now.”

   “Cal??  You don’t say! How are you goin’? Are you in Melbourne or Vermont?”

   “I’m in Vermont, but I wanted to catch you this morning.”

   “Evening here mate...what’s up?”

   “Yeah, that’s right. Well, something came across my desk this morning and I thought of you right away. The university wants to fund some international breeding for their equine program. I know you’re in New Zealand now, but are you still working with those little Australian Brumby horses? “

   Duncan closed the barn door and walked over to the porch sitting down as he started to take off his barn boots. This is an "as" problem. You can't walk over to the porch AND sit down AND take off your boots at the same time. He walked over to the porch, sat down, and then took off his boots.

   “Sure am. We’re just starting show week in Hawkes Bay. It’s big and Gannet’s Choice is lookin’ good.”

   “Damn! That’s exactly why I thought of you. UVM’s offering a two-year position for a visiting professor and researcher. It’s got Duncan McLean written all over it.”

   “Geez, that sounds bloody great, but this is just bad timing. I think maybe Jenna and I are getting ready to start our own McClean breeding program, if you know what I mean.” This is a bit...well, personal, for someone just catching up. Cal didn't even know if he was in New Zealand, but Duncan's talking about their bedroom activity?

   “Congratulations! Man, that’s even better!”

   “Well, we’re not there yet, but I don’t want to wait much longer. Hell you’ve got teenagers already and you’re only two years older than me.”

   “Yeah but Jenna’s young. You guys have loads of time. And... if you decide you want to wait another two years, think about Vermont. You keep saying you’ll come soon. “

   “Yeah yeah, soon mate, soon.”

   “Well think about it, and give my best to Jenna.”There's a bit too much chattiness in the conversation. In reality it might well flow this way, but in the novel, cut the asides etc so we just get the heart of it.

   “Will do. Stay in touch!” Duncan felt honored to have been considered,telling and passive and if he hadn’t felt he and Jenna were on the cusp of some major changes in their lives already, he would have given much more thought to the offer.  telling

   He first saw Jenna in 2003 Backstory. Major backstory alert. :-) when he was a judge for the Sydney Royal Horse Competition. Although he knew he was supposed to be judging all horses equally, seeing the lithe and graceful rider and her champion Arabian mare, made the other riders pale in comparison. She too noticed the attractive new judge immediately. The other two blokes wore outdated glasses and dressed like old farts. No doubt, once you arrived at this level of competition, the show circuit had a reputation for being overly representative of old wealth and pomp. Duncan, on the other hand, looked like a breath of excitement had finally entered the stately ring of equitation: younger, gorgeous and actually smiling she noted. Not only is this backstory, but it's also a head-hop because Duncan is now remembering what Jenna felt.

   The Sydney show was Jenna’s first big win at such a prestigious competition, but not her last. She and Duncan were married two years later and although there was a string of broken hearts on both sides of the aisle at their wedding, when Duncan saw her on her father’s arm that day, he felt content that his roguish bachelor days were permanently behind him.I have a hard time imagining him as a rouguish bachelor, given where he is at the beginning of the story and the beginning of the other version.

   Duncan had barely put his phone down when are we? Now? Backstory? when Jenna’s SUV sped into the driveway and she bounded out and kissed him seductively. Again, nonsimultaneous action; she doesn't bound out of the SUV *and* kiss him *and* speed up the driveway at the same time.

   “Hi baby. We did very well today!” she purred said as she ran her hands through Duncan’s wavy dark hair.

   “Ah did we?” he laughed said. “Ooooh, I’ve got an idea”. Duncan ran into the house and grabbed a blanket, some champagne flutes and a bottle of champagne. He led Jenna up to back knoll of Gannet’s Run.

   Two years earlier backstory when the real estate agent had shown him properties in the Hawkes Bay area, he had recognized the potential for expanding his breeding business and hopefully starting a family of his own. But when she Jenna or the realtor? showed him Gannet’s Run, the potential became a reality as he stood on the front porch smelling the ocean air and drinking in the view. Duncan looked at the real estate agent and smiled. Again, backstory, and because of the past tense/backstory, it should be "Duncan had looked"

   “When would we be able to move in?”

   “The owners have already returned to the states for health reasons, so they are eager to sell quickly.” This part has no bearing on the actual story, which I presume is that Jenna is cannoodling with some other dude. Whether they bought the house quickly or whether Americans speculate in NZ property is totally beside the point. Many ex-pats from the U.S. fall in love with the coastline and buy a New Zealand “lifestyle” property based on pure emotion only to find a few years later that the thirty hours of travel back to the states is not like flying to Cabo. “There are several prospective buyers, but I assure you that any reasonable offer will be considered. They are genuinely interested in selling”

   Duncan made an offer that late December afternoon and within a month he had packed Jenna’s three mares and his prized stallion onto a container ship along with what little they had accrued during the first three years of their marriage and moved in just in time for the final days of New Zealand summer. In their first October as the air became laden with the scents of apple blossoms and deep rich earth, Jenna spread manure out for Duncan to till into a garden. As he watched Jenna planting the lettuce in a revealing tank top with her dark hair falling loosely out of her ponytail and dirt smudged on her arms and neck, Duncan felt he’d died a happy man if time stopped right then and there.When are we? In realtime or in the flashback?

    It was quiet along their ocean side road and their neighbors were generally sheep farmers and vintners from a few of the recent New Zealand vineyards that had started to crop up nearby. Duncan loved listening to the ocean at night with the soft sounds of lambs baaing in the field next to his house and the gentle sound of horses running through the paddock on a moonlit night. He and Jenna often hiked up to the top of the small knoll at the back of their property in the late afternoon to watch the moon rise over the ocean. On nights when the moon wasn’t full, they contented themselves with laying back on a blanket and watching the southern cross and the satellites cross the sky. There always seemed to be the perfect gentle breeze: enough to cool them, but not chill them. Duncan often romanticized that a night on the knoll could one-day result in the start of their family. We're all over the place here, and that's the danger with backstory. If you had to limit this to one sentence of backstory, you'd just say, "Duncan always felt blessed to have such an idyllic marriage and their dream home in a veritable Eden." But you're covering everything in his past and we've got how they met, how they bough ta house, what he thinks of it, that she loves to garden, and so on. I can't focus.

   That night on the knoll they drank their champagne and watched the moonrise while they made love.Again, which night? Are we in the flashback on the same day she was gardening, or are we in the realtime after Cal's phone call?

“Jenna?” He said lazily while looking up at the stars. “What do you think about Carina as a girl’s name?”

   Jenna looked at him and said surprisingly “Why, do you know someone named Carina that I should be aware of?”

   “Nah Nah ….I was just thinking that when we have a girl we should call her Carina after the constellation.”

   She didn’t respond, but smiled at him and curled into the soft crook of his shoulder. Now a woman in her thirties, Duncan assumed The phrasing reads that Duncan is now a woman in her thirties. :-) that Jenna must be thinking about a family too. Not having dosed off until the very early hours of the morning, Duncan's eyelids sensed the morning light creeping into his dream; he resisted waking up, happy to let the world pass by. But once the early morning sun started to beat down on the knoll, Jenna jumped up. Not the least bit embarrassed, she dressed within full view of the early morning beach traffic. She was frantic head-hoppingbecause she had planned to get the horses into the show early that morning.

   The Hawkes Bay Horse of the Year Show takes took place every year in March. It hashad  become one of the premier Australasian equine events and was the perfect place for Duncan and Jenna to showcase their horses. Their Brumby-Warmblood mare, Gannet’s Choice, was a local favorite, and Jenna a favorite local. Duncan’s careful selection and breeding over the years had reintroduced a line of Brumbies that fully reflected some of the highest stock bloodlines from which these wild horses had descended. A win, or even a strong showing at the event would ensure breeding consultations and contracts for years, with the ensuing financial freedom allowing them to start a family. But it was during show week that year that Duncan realized he and Jenna would never conceive a child on the lovely knoll behind his house.-->this isn't really foreshadowing. It's foretelling. Foreshadowing would be Jenna telling him that their two prize horses will never have a foal together, and Duncan saying it must be heartbreaking, and Jenna saying the mare would be happy with just any stallion.  THis is more like the author stepping in and saying "Look! This is ominous!" because at the time, Duncan doesn't know.

   Jenna and Duncan quickly loaded the horses and tack into the trailer For a minute I thought we were still at the horse show, only we weren't ever there, were we? and he went back to pack her a picnic breakfast and lunch.  As she breezed in and saw her picnic she smiled. Duncan saw her appreciation and took her into his arms saying in a boyishly sexy tone,” It was good last night wasn’t it? “

   “Well….it’s always good”, she responded with an equally sensual tone.

   “So if you do well, this week, I was thinking maybe I could have you home every night. I figure with the new contracts and my consulting, you could retire from the ring a bit.

   “But why would I retire from the ring? That’s my part of the business, Duncan.” Jenna had barely missed a beat with her response.

   “Right, right, but I thought maybe you could take some time off so we could start our family. Not forever. Just for ten years or so.” Is there any reason she can't ride after having kids? I understand not riding while nine months pregnant, but why not postpartum?

Jenna looked at him incredulously, “ Ten years? Oh darlin’ you must have had too much champagne last night. I’m not going to leave the ring for ten years just to have kids. Duncan we have everything we need already. Your breeding is going well, I’m winning top ribbons for your stock. Why would we want to change that?”

   Unintentionally, Duncan started to stammer a little angrily. “ To have a family Jenna! To have our kids, Jenna!!”
   “Duncan, what is the rush to have kids?” How many times do you use someone's name in conversation? Practically never? Same here.

   “Rush? We’ve been married for almost five years. I’m forty-five. And you are not getting any younger either!”

   “Hold on there! You might be getting old, but I still have a long way to go before I’m your age. She laid that comment out with more bite than she had intended. “I’m not sure what dialed your fun-meter down, but I’m still looking to enjoy life!”

   “Damn it Jenna. I’m not talking about a death sentence, I’m talking about kids! It’s not like we can wait forever. You’ve got to grow up some time!”

   “I need to get to the show.”

   The scowl on her face that's a Tabris Pet Peeve ^(tm) because no other body parts scowlmade Duncan realize he had hit a nerve as he watched her go.

   Jenna stormed out and Duncan remembered how he had thought her fire and ambition was alluring and sexy when he met her seven years ago. He shook his head in disbelief. How could he have misread her and not known how she felt about kids? I wonder that all the time about people, how they can date for five years and get engaged and get married and never have talked about finances, children, their values, where they intend to live, how important family is to them, what they feel about God, whether they want pets, or...well, anything important.

    That evening when Jenna arrived, there was no sexy kiss and escape to the knoll. But noticing Duncan had made her favorite lamb dinner she magnanimously offered up a different scenario.  Maybe they could adopt some kids and Duncan could stay home with them while she continued on the circuit. Duncan’s head spun as he heard her proposal. The thought of her off prancing around the show circuit while he stayed home as Mr. Dad, was not the idyllic life he had envisioned. That didn’t sound much like a partnership to him! The evening ended dramatically with him saying she needed to grow up and stop acting like selfish child for the sake of their marriage.This is literary elision. If there's a high-tension scene that's important to the plot, such as a fight that might end the marriage, it should be shown. But I suspect the intricacies of their marriage breakup aren't actually important to the novel as a whole, and we're spending a lot of very important page space on Jenna that needs to be spent on a character who will be important enough to mention in the query letter. This really feels more like a prologue that should be cut. Perhaps it was the fact that his comments hit close to the mark, or just that he had more mundane hopes for their lives, but Jenna stormed out and drove off in the direction of town.
   
 At two AM Duncan woke up to the sound of a car on the road, but it passed by. He missed her next to him, and wondered how many nights she might stay in their show trailer instead of at home. In their first years of being together, they rarely slept apart.Backstory Stud farms across Europe, the Americas and Australasia knew of Duncan’s expertise and regularly appealed to him to come and expand his horizons with their breed stock. It didn’t matter if they were raising race horses or dressage horses, breeding was a significant factor. An American Beer producer had even approached him once about breeding a calmer Clydesdale. But if expanding his horizons had meant being away from Jenna for more than a few days, he declined. End backstory.The empty space next to him that night invaded haunted him until dawn’s first light.

   When Jenna came back the next day to get her riding clothes she was civil, but cool despite Duncan’s attempts at apologizing. He wisely suggested that they should talk after things settled down with the show, but a chasm the size of the Wellington Fault Line had begun to form.

[Tabris]

Second half of my post because the other was too long:

   Show week: up early, out the door at sunrise, polish tack, check schedules, ride in several events with several horses, feed the horses, brush and bathe them, get ready for the following day, and finally spruce up for an evening out. It was an exhausting week for Jenna, and Duncan did as much as he could to support her. Despite the never-ending obligations though, she thrived on the dizzying excitement head-hop of the win both in the ring and in business. In the evening there were always sponsors to schmooze, and Duncan usually headed home to tend to the stock that was not at the show while Jenna wined and dined the moneyed people. There is a lot of money in equine management, but most of it comes from an elite group of clients. Jenna, with her Sydney upbringing was more well suited to securing that kind of money since she could play off of Duncan’s reputation. Jenna could sip an Elephant Hill Chardonnay and smile assuredly at a fifty-year old millionaire and by the end of the bottle he would be writing checks and signing contracts. Despite being married, she never lost her finesse at making men do what she wanted. Duncan had seen her in action on several occasions and marveled at her ability to manipulate even the most ruthless businessman with her smile. She complained that she got much better results when Duncan wasn’t around, so Duncan usually stayed home although her rationale bothered him. “Darling, you know they don’t want to be reminded I’m married when they buy me dinner. Don’t worry, it’s all for the business.” In actuality he preferred a quiet night at home anyway. This was also backstory.

   Duncan had grown up This is a backstory within the backstory. on a farm outside of Melbourne, and although he was well travelled and, in fact, had been quite a player before meeting Jenna, he was content to read or go to sleep early now. Jenna usually arrived back at the Gannet’s Run around eleven on show nights waking him up with stories about her evening successes; although some nights she just slipped in beside him and claimed a final prize before dozing off to sleep herself. This week however, she just slipped in late and back out at sunrise without much conversation and even less human touch. It was the second to last night of the show, when Duncan decided to surprise Jenna in town and join the crew for dinner.  Still feeling the bite of their argument from earlier in the week, he thought going out together might rekindle some romance for the evening. He parked on the show grounds and walked over to the trailer to check on the horses before heading over to the local bar “The Last Paddock”.
   
The show trailer Duncan had bought at Jenna’s pleading was more of a Mack truck than a horse trailer. It comfortably carried four horses and their gear in high style, but also had a kitchenette, enclosed toilet and a double bed for sleeping away at shows. “It’s a land-yacht” Duncan would tell her sarcastically, but Jenna insisted that all the conveniences were quite in keeping with her show circuit. As Duncan neared the trailer he was annoyed that Jenna had left lights on in the trailer when it was empty thinking it would drain the batteries down. What he didn’t expect was that when he entered the trailer, it was not empty. Jenna and a young show jumper from Queensland were on the double bed with little on, fully involved in making love. Duncan was astounded when he looked at her.
   
“What the hell?”

   “O Jesus. Duncan! I....I”..she tried to speak, but couldn’t.

   “I don’t believe this. I just don’t believe this.”

   “Duncan!” Jenna called after him, but didn’t get up to pursue him.

   He stumbled out of the trailer in disbelief and headed to his car. Thinking of the scrawny jumper who was defiling his dream, Duncan’s first instinct was to drive the car into the side of the trailer, but he drove to the beach instead to sort his head out.  Listening to the waves and seeing only the white foam running in from the dark ocean beyond, he dabbled his feet in the water. Would she even miss me if I just walked out in the ocean and never returned, he wondered. His father’s pragmatism kicked in though and he knew he had to face the fallout of what he had just witnessed.

   He waited over an hour before he returned back to Gannet’s Run expecting that Jenna would be there with a sorrowful apology. He imagined they would have quite a row, but hoped that they could make up and move forward depending on how Jenna reacted. As he pulled in the driveway though, he noticed Jenna’s car was not there. Perhaps someone had brought her home because she was distraught or had been drinking too much he rationalized. But when he searched through the house, and there was no sign of her, his rationalizations all melted away like the wax from the citronella candle that had been left burning on the porch that evening.  Her absence, the fact that she didn’t even try to console him, made her intentions quite clear. So he gave her...three hours to reach out to him and save their marriage? He was much more ready to walk out than she was, then. He gives up on her far too fast and without giving her any chance at reconciliation. She didn't know where he'd gone. She might have gone back to the house and when he wasn't there because he was on the beach, she left to look for him elsewhere. This kind of thing isn't what you leave a note for. "Dear Duncan: So sorry you caught me schtupping the stablehand. Call me and let's have lunch." Right?  For all he knows, she's at the police station begging the police to find him before he kills himself

   Duncan reached over to pick up his cell, paused, noted the time, and then dialed.

   “Cal, it’s Duncan”. He took a deep decisive breath before asking the next question. “When do you want me in Vermont?”

All this can be cut. The important bits can be inserted into the story later on, but for Duncan, life begins again when he steps off the airplane in Burlington VT. It's backstory in the sense that it's not necessary to read a recap of the marriage ending before we see the new beginning. Moreover, if this is how it shakes out, then he hasn't even filed for divorce yet, and it's going to raise issues if he's still technically married while he's in a relationship with Anne.

Sorry. I wish I had more positive things to say, but I think this seciton is a rabbit-trail that doesn't need to be here. The opening of a story requires focus: a main character and the beginnings of the important questions that will shape the remainder of the narrative. His story with Jenna is over. The beginning of the novel should be the beginning of his story with Anne, not the end of something else.

[bodwen]

I still say start with the meeting and not floss over it in flashback.  The exact wording of the phone conversation is irrelavent to the story, so it should be "told" and not "shown."  The reader won't feel cheated seeing something as brief as "Duncan got a call from his boss. His promotion went through.  He had to be on a plane to Vermont."

Do you have a synposis or an outline?  What's in there is the stuff that's important for you to flesh out, so that the reader feels it along with the characters.  What you have now is like me coming home and telling my husband about my lousy day at work and the evil woman I have to work with and how I'm certain she's trying to ruin my life.  And we're out of organic lemons but I don't want to go to the store since they are $3 a pound which, is outragous if you think about it.  I remember when everything was "organic" and they cost less than a quarter.  Oh and by the way, I'm pregnant.

Point being:  The next words out of his mouth won't be asking for further clarification about the woman at work I have a catty relationship with...

[bbrodie]

Tabris...you're my hero for taking so much time here...you've caught some excellent stuff...some things I will agree to disagree with, but I love your comments and your humor...I hope that is the tone of the guardian...it will be a hit!

Okay, so, I'll be less laaaaaazy and reply here:

   Have you ever really smelled a horse? There is something deep, earthy and genuine about their smell. It’s unmistakable. Kind of a telly beginning. You could just begin with "Wilder's earthy smell filled Duncan's senses as he brushed etc etc . Well so many folks have said don't spoon feed so I thought I'd throw a metaphor for Duncan in there...The smell filled Duncan’s senses as he brushed out Wilder, his Brumby stallion who was much more interested in his bucket of oats than his grooming. Almost all the horses had been watered and fed, no comma when Duncan heard his cell ring over in the feed room. Racing in from the stall he smiled noticing it was an 802 number; Cal, from UVM was the only one he knew with that exchange. Trying not to drop the phone into the water bucket, he quickly picked it up eager to hear from the yank he had met years ago at Uni in Melbourne..

   “Hellooo!” Duncan chimed said as he filled the last water bucket cradling the phone in his neck.

   “Duncan? since Duncan didn't say "its' Duncan here, I would ask the name first...I wouldn't necessarily wait for an answer though it’s Cal. I figured I’d catch you right about now.”

   “Cal??  You don’t say!he is surprised How are you goin’? Are you in Melbourne or Vermont?”

   “I’m in Vermont, but I wanted to catch you this morning.”

   “Evening here mate...what’s up?” I definitely want to keep this in..

   “Yeah, that’s right. Well, something came across my desk this morning and I thought of you right away. The university wants to fund some international breeding for their equine program. I know you’re in New Zealand now, but are you still working with those little Australian Brumby horses? “

   Duncan closed the barn door and walked over to the porch sitting down as he started to take off his barn boots. This is an "as" problem. You can't walk over to the porch AND sit down AND take off your boots at the same time. He walked over to the porch, sat down, and then took off his boots. ooops...I guess Duncan is good, but probably not that good...changed! Duncan closed the barn door and walked over to the porch where sat on the steps to take off his barn boots

   “Sure am. We’re just starting show week in Hawkes Bay. It’s big and Gannet’s Choice is lookin’ good.”

   “Damn! That’s exactly why I thought of you. UVM’s offering a two-year position for a visiting professor and researcher. It’s got Duncan McLean written all over it.”

   “Geez, that sounds bloody great, but this is just bad timing. I think maybe Jenna and I are getting ready to start our own McClean breeding program, if you know what I mean.” This is a bit...well, personal, for someone just catching up. Cal didn't even know if he was in New Zealand, but Duncan's talking about their bedroom activity?Might make you think they were good mates eh?

   “Congratulations! Man, that’s even better!”

   “Well, we’re not there yet, but I don’t want to wait much longer. Hell you’ve got teenagers already and you’re only two years older than me.”

   “Yeah but Jenna’s young. You guys have loads of time. And... if you decide you want to wait another two years, think about Vermont. You keep saying you’ll come soon. “

   “Yeah yeah, soon mate, soon.”

   “Well think about it, and give my best to Jenna.”There's a bit too much chattiness in the conversation. In reality it might well flow this way, but in the novel, cut the asides etc so we just get the heart of it.

   “Will do. Stay in touch!” Duncan felt honored to have been considered,telling and passive and if he hadn’t felt he and Jenna were on the cusp of some major changes in their lives already, he would have given much more thought to the offer.  tellingCal had thought to consider him...the telling thing I'm OK with here

   He first saw Jenna in 2003 Backstory. Major backstory alert. :-) Yep that's what it is, but I'm already a page and a half in and have resisted up to here...Trust me, it's important to know who Jenna is and what her affiliation with the ring is. when he was a judge for the Sydney Royal Horse Competition. Although he knew he was supposed to be judging all horses equally, seeing the lithe and graceful rider and her champion Arabian mare, made the other riders pale in comparison. She too noticed the attractive new judge immediately. The other two blokes wore outdated glasses and dressed like old farts. No doubt, once you arrived at this level of competition, the show circuit had a reputation for being overly representative of old wealth and pomp. Duncan, on the other hand, looked like a breath of excitement had finally entered the stately ring of equitation: younger, gorgeous and actually smiling she noted. Not only is this backstory, but it's also a head-hop because Duncan is now remembering what Jenna felt.Here I'm the narrator of this back story

   The Sydney show was Jenna’s first big win at such a prestigious competition, but not her last. She and Duncan were married two years later and although there was a string of broken hearts on both sides of the aisle at their wedding, when Duncan saw her on her father’s arm that day, he felt content that his roguish bachelor days were permanently behind him.I have a hard time imagining him as a rouguish bachelor, given where he is at the beginning of the story and the beginning of the other version.Oh but he was...

   Duncan had barely put his phone down when are we? Now? Backstory? RIGHT...Duncan had barely hung up from Cal when Jenna sped into the driveway and bounded out of her SUV. when Jenna’s SUV sped into the driveway and she bounded out and kissed him seductively. Again, nonsimultaneous action; she doesn't bound out of the SUV *and* kiss him *and* speed up the driveway at the same time.

   “Hi baby. We did very well today!” she purred said Aw C'mon...she PURRS!!! Meow!! as she ran her hands through Duncan’s wavy dark hair.

   “Ah did we?” he laughed said. “Ooooh, I’ve got an idea”. Duncan ran into the house and grabbed a blanket, some champagne flutes and a bottle of champagne. He led Jenna up to back knoll of Gannet’s Run.

   Two years earlier backstory when the real estate agent had shown him properties in the Hawkes Bay area, he had recognized the potential for expanding his breeding business and hopefully starting a family of his own. But when she Jenna or the realtor? showed himYep...but when he saw Gannet’s Run, the potential became a reality as he stood on the front porch smelling the ocean air and drinking in the view. Duncan looked at the real estate agent and smiled. Again, backstory, and because of the past tense/backstory, it should be "Duncan had looked"I think here the simple past is OK BC it's predicated on him standing and looking out to the ocean

   “When would we be able to move in?”

   “The owners have already returned to the states for health reasons, so they are eager to sell quickly.” This part has no bearing on the actual story, which I presume is that Jenna is cannoodling with some other dude. Whether they bought the house quickly or whether Americans speculate in NZ property is totally beside the point. true..but you boil just about any novel down to 500 words if you took out all but the synopsis, right? It's actually pretty interesting (to me at least) how many ex-pats go down that road) Many ex-pats from the U.S. fall in love with the coastline and buy a New Zealand “lifestyle” property based on pure emotion only to find a few years later that the thirty hours of travel back to the states is not like flying to Cabo. “There are several prospective buyers, but I assure you that any reasonable offer will be considered. They are genuinely interested in selling”

   Duncan made an offer that late December afternoon and within a month he had packed Jenna’s three mares and his prized stallion onto a container ship along with what little they had accrued during the first three years of their marriage and moved in just in time for the final days of New Zealand summer. In their first October as the air became laden with the scents of apple blossoms and deep rich earth, Jenna spread manure out for Duncan to till into a garden. As he watched Jenna planting the lettuce in a revealing tank top with her dark hair falling loosely out of her ponytail and dirt smudged on her arms and neck, Duncan felt he’d died a happy man if time stopped right then and there.When are we? In realtime or in the flashback?still in the first October

    It was quiet along their ocean side road and their neighbors were generally sheep farmers and vintners from a few of the recent New Zealand vineyards that had started to crop up nearby. Duncan loved listening to the ocean at night with the soft sounds of lambs baaing in the field next to his house and the gentle sound of horses running through the paddock on a moonlit night. He and Jenna often hiked up to the top of the small knoll at the back of their property in the late afternoon to watch the moon rise over the ocean. On nights when the moon wasn’t full, they contented themselves with laying back on a blanket and watching the southern cross and the satellites cross the sky. There always seemed to be the perfect gentle breeze: enough to cool them, but not chill them. Duncan often romanticized that a night on the knoll could one-day result in the start of their family. We're all over the place here, and that's the danger with backstory. If you had to limit this to one sentence of backstory, you'd just say, "Duncan always felt blessed to have such an idyllic marriage and their dream home in a veritable Eden." But you're covering everything in his past and we've got how they met, how they bough ta house, what he thinks of it, that she loves to garden, and so on. I can't focus.

   That night on the knoll they drank their champagne and watched the moonrise while they made love.Again, which night? Are we in the flashback on the same day she was gardening, or are we in the realtime after Cal's phone call?

“Jenna?” He said lazily while looking up at the stars. “What do you think about Carina as a girl’s name?”

   Jenna looked at him and said surprisingly yep...she is surprised...“Why, do you know someone named Carina that I should be aware of?”

   “Nah Nah ….I was just thinking that when we have a girl we should call her Carina after the constellation.”

   She didn’t respond, but smiled at him and curled into the soft crook of his shoulder. Now a woman in her thirties, Duncan assumed The phrasing reads that Duncan is now a woman in her thirties. :-) that Jenna must be thinking about a family too. Not having dosed off until the very early hours of the morning, Duncan's eyelids sensed the morning light creeping into his dream; he resisted waking up, happy to let the world pass by. But once the early morning sun started to beat down on the knoll, Jenna jumped up. Not the least bit embarrassed, she dressed within full view of the early morning beach traffic. She was frantic head-hoppingbecause she had planned to get the horses into the show early that morning.

   The Hawkes Bay Horse of the Year Show takes took place every year in March.Hmmm this one I really wrestle with because it does take place every year... It's like would one say Burlington is the largest city in VT or was the largest city in VT?? I'm always unsure here...was kind of makes me think it is no longer... It hashad  become one of the premier Australasian equine events and was the perfect place for Duncan and Jenna to showcase their horses. Their Brumby-Warmblood mare, Gannet’s Choice, was a local favorite, and Jenna a favorite local. Duncan’s careful selection and breeding over the years had reintroduced a line of Brumbies that fully reflected some of the highest stock bloodlines from which these wild horses had descended. A win, or even a strong showing at the event would ensure breeding consultations and contracts for years, with the ensuing financial freedom allowing them to start a family. But it was during show week that year that Duncan realized he and Jenna would never conceive a child on the lovely knoll behind his house.-->this isn't really foreshadowing. It's foretelling. Foreshadowing would be Jenna telling him that their two prize horses will never have a foal together, and Duncan saying it must be heartbreaking, and Jenna saying the mare would be happy with just any stallion.  THis is more like the author stepping in and saying "Look! This is ominous!" because at the time, Duncan doesn't know.

   Jenna and Duncan quickly loaded the horses and tack into the trailer For a minute I thought we were still at the horse show, only we weren't ever there, were we? and he went back to pack her a picnic breakfast and lunch.  As she breezed in and saw her picnic she smiled. Duncan saw her appreciation and took her into his arms saying in a boyishly sexy tone,” It was good last night wasn’t it? “

   “Well….it’s always good”, she responded with an equally sensual tone.

   “So if you do well, this week, I was thinking maybe I could have you home every night. I figure with the new contracts and my consulting, you could retire from the ring a bit.

   “But why would I retire from the ring? That’s my part of the business, Duncan.” Jenna had barely missed a beat with her response.

   “Right, right, but I thought maybe you could take some time off so we could start our family. Not forever. Just for ten years or so.” Is there any reason she can't ride after having kids? I understand not riding while nine months pregnant, but why not postpartum?He wants her home an not globe trotting!!  

Jenna looked at him incredulously, “ Ten years? Oh darlin’ you must have had too much champagne last night. I’m not going to leave the ring for ten years just to have kids. Duncan we have everything we need already. Your breeding is going well, I’m winning top ribbons for your stock. Why would we want to change that?”

   Unintentionally, Duncan started to stammer a little angrily. “ To have a family Jenna! To have our kids, Jenna!!”
   “Duncan, what is the rush to have kids?” How many times do you use someone's name in conversation? Practically never? Same here.actually in a heated argument, more times than you might think...The Jenna's are all used as an almost demeaning point of emphasis..I could leave out a Duncan or two because she isn't quite that heated at this point.

   “Rush? We’ve been married for almost five years. I’m forty-five. And you are not getting any younger either!”

   “Hold on there! You might be getting old, but I still have a long way to go before I’m your age. She laid that comment out with more bite than she had intended. “I’m not sure what dialed your fun-meter down, but I’m still looking to enjoy life!”

   “Damn it Jenna. I’m not talking about a death sentence, I’m talking about kids! It’s not like we can wait forever. You’ve got to grow up some time!”

   “I need to get to the show.”

   The scowl on her face that's a Tabris Pet Peeve ^(tm) because no other body parts scowlmade Duncan realize he had hit a nerve as he watched her go.

   Jenna stormed out and Duncan remembered how he had thought her fire and ambition was alluring and sexy when he met her seven years ago. He shook his head in disbelief. How could he have misread her and not known how she felt about kids? I wonder that all the time about people, how they can date for five years and get engaged and get married and never have talked about finances, children, their values, where they intend to live, how important family is to them, what they feel about God, whether they want pets, or...well, anything important.It's a mystery to me...but I thought we'd agreed to have three kids until my second happened to be a girl! Guess it happens!

    That evening when Jenna arrived, there was no sexy kiss and escape to the knoll. But noticing Duncan had made her favorite lamb dinner she magnanimously offered up a different scenario.  Maybe they could adopt some kids and Duncan could stay home with them while she continued on the circuit. Duncan’s head spun as he heard her proposal. The thought of her off prancing around the show circuit while he stayed home as Mr. Dad, was not the idyllic life he had envisioned. That didn’t sound much like a partnership to him! The evening ended dramatically with him saying she needed to grow up and stop acting like selfish child for the sake of their marriage.This is literary elision. If there's a high-tension scene that's important to the plot, such as a fight that might end the marriage, it should be shown. But I suspect the intricacies of their marriage breakup aren't actually important to the novel as a whole, and we're spending a lot of very important page space on Jenna that needs to be spent on a character who will be important enough to mention in the query letter. This really feels more like a prologue that should be cut. The fact they break up is important, the fact that Jenna might then try to get Duncan back telling him later that she has grown up and wants to have his children is really important Perhaps it was the fact that his comments hit close to the mark, or just that he had more mundane hopes for their lives, but Jenna stormed out and drove off in the direction of town.

[Tabris]

Just to make a few points:

I sliced out a lot of adverbs because many times we knew someone was surprised without saying surprisingly or knew they were being abrupt without saying abruptly. There isn't a need to spoon-feed, as you said, so no need to overtell.

You had written that the horse show takes place every year in March. I rendered it "the horse show takes place every March." Why? Because March, by definition, takes place during the year. Two words, no added benefit, out they go. That's the kind of slice-and-dice we do when we edit. If the word does nothing, pitch it. The adverbs just amplify what already happened: out they go. She climbed up the steps? Slice the UP out of the sentence and it's the same sentence.

About the Duncan breeding program: my experience with guys is they don't readily tell even good friends about their impending personal decisions, so rather than leaving me thinking Duncan and Cal were good mates, I thought Duncan was female. Women do tend to confide things like that to their friends.

See, I get that all this backstory is important, but then it should be brought into the story at the time it becomes important. Unless Chapter Two begins with someone asking Duncan to sire her child, I'm not seeing why the amount of time it took to purchase their first home is important, or the exact timeline of their argument, etc. He could say during the first chapter that he's divorced due to infidelity (and that's another buggy thing -- some ridiculously high percentage of marriages do survive infidelity; Duncan didn't even give her three hours to make amends) and then later on he could confide the whole story to someone else.

It might be important. But it's not important NOW. It should become important LATER. But since you're talking real estate later on, think about "curb appeal." The first thing we see of your story has to be where we are now. Like I said in the other post, you're beginning with an ending, not beginning with a beginning.

But...I'm not going to argue with you beyond here. It's your story, and you should always feel free to tell it however you like. I did want to clarify what I was saying about the adverbs and a few of the language cuts I made.

[bbrodie]

   
 At two AM Duncan woke up to the sound of a car on the road, but it passed by. He missed her next to him, and wondered how many nights she might stay in their show trailer instead of at home. In their first years of being together, they rarely slept apart.Backstory Stud farms across Europe, the Americas and Australasia knew of Duncan’s expertise and regularly appealed to him to come and expand his horizons with their breed stock. It didn’t matter if they were raising race horses or dressage horses, breeding was a significant factor. An American Beer producer had even approached him once about breeding a calmer Clydesdale. But if expanding his horizons had meant being away from Jenna for more than a few days, he declined. End backstory.fun backstory...but in truth this is pretty ditchableThe empty space next to him that night invaded haunted him until dawn’s first light.

   When Jenna came back the next day to get her riding clothes she was civil, but cool despite Duncan’s attempts at apologizing. He wisely suggested that they should talk after things settled down with the show, but a chasm the size of the Wellington Fault Line had begun to form.
[/quote]

   Show week: up early, out the door at sunrise, polish tack, check schedules, ride in several events with several horses, feed the horses, brush and bathe them, get ready for the following day, and finally spruce up for an evening out. It was an exhausting week for Jenna, and Duncan did as much as he could to support her. Despite the never-ending obligations though, she thrived on the dizzying excitement head-hop of the win both in the ring and in business. In the evening there were always sponsors to schmooze, and Duncan usually headed home to tend to the stock that was not at the show while Jenna wined and dined the moneyed people. There is a lot of money in equine management, but most of it comes from an elite group of clients. Jenna, with her Sydney upbringing was more well suited to securing that kind of money since she could play off of Duncan’s reputation. Jenna could sip an Elephant Hill Chardonnay and smile assuredly at a fifty-year old millionaire and by the end of the bottle he would be writing checks and signing contracts. Despite being married, she never lost her finesse at making men do what she wanted. Duncan had seen her in action on several occasions and marveled at her ability to manipulate even the most ruthless businessman with her smile. She complained that she got much better results when Duncan wasn’t around, so Duncan usually stayed home although her rationale bothered him. “Darling, you know they don’t want to be reminded I’m married when they buy me dinner. Don’t worry, it’s all for the business.” In actuality he preferred a quiet night at home anyway. This was also backstory.this is describing Jenna.and why she's abit dangerous (now and later on)..I suppose I could make it a present tense, but this is her MO, and it's important to know that Duncan recognizes it.

   Duncan had grown up This is a backstory within the backstory. on a farm outside of Melbourne, and although he was well travelled and, in fact, had been quite a player before meeting Jenna, he was content to read or go to sleep early now. Jenna usually arrived back at the Gannet’s Run around eleven on show nights waking him up with stories about her evening successes; although some nights she just slipped in beside him and claimed a final prize before dozing off to sleep herself. This week however, she just slipped in late and back out at sunrise without much conversation and even less human touch. It was the second to last night of the show, when Duncan decided to surprise Jenna in town and join the crew for dinner.  Still feeling the bite of their argument from earlier in the week, he thought going out together might rekindle some romance for the evening. He parked on the show grounds and walked over to the trailer to check on the horses before heading over to the local bar “The Last Paddock”.
   
The show trailer Duncan had bought at Jenna’s pleading was more of a Mack truck than a horse trailer. It comfortably carried four horses and their gear in high style, but also had a kitchenette, enclosed toilet and a double bed for sleeping away at shows. “It’s a land-yacht” Duncan would tell her sarcastically, but Jenna insisted that all the conveniences were quite in keeping with her show circuit. As Duncan neared the trailer he was annoyed that Jenna had left lights on in the trailer when it was empty thinking it would drain the batteries down. What he didn’t expect was that when he entered the trailer, it was not empty. Jenna and a young show jumper from Queensland were on the double bed with little on, fully involved in making love. Duncan was astounded when he looked at her.
   
“What the hell?”

   “O Jesus. Duncan! I....I”..she tried to speak, but couldn’t.

   “I don’t believe this. I just don’t believe this.”

   “Duncan!” Jenna called after him, but didn’t get up to pursue him.yeah...I suppose I could ditch the final two lines...or change to I don't ****in' believe this...which might be a little closer to what he might say...

   He stumbled out of the trailer in disbelief and headed to his car. Thinking of the scrawny jumper who was defiling his dream, Duncan’s first instinct was to drive the car into the side of the trailer, but he drove to the beach instead to sort his head out.  Listening to the waves and seeing only the white foam running in from the dark ocean beyond, he dabbled his feet in the water. Would she even miss me if I just walked out in the ocean and never returned, he wondered. His father’s pragmatism kicked in though and he knew he had to face the fallout of what he had just witnessed.

   He waited over an hour before he returned back to Gannet’s Run expecting that Jenna would be there with a sorrowful apology. He imagined they would have quite a row, but hoped that they could make up and move forward depending on how Jenna reacted. As he pulled in the driveway though, he noticed Jenna’s car was not there. Perhaps someone had brought her home because she was distraught or had been drinking too much he rationalized. But when he searched through the house, and there was no sign of her, his rationalizations all melted away like the wax from the citronella candle that had been left burning on the porch that evening.  Her absence, the fact that she didn’t even try to console him, made her intentions quite clear. So he gave her...three hours to reach out to him and save their marriage? He was much more ready to walk out than she was, then. He gives up on her far too fast and without giving her any chance at reconciliation. She didn't know where he'd gone. She might have gone back to the house and when he wasn't there because he was on the beach, she left to look for him elsewhere. This kind of thing isn't what you leave a note for. "Dear Duncan: So sorry you caught me schtupping the stablehand. Call me and let's have lunch." Right?  For all he knows, she's at the police station begging the police to find him before he kills himselfwe later find out that it took six months for them to split and the show jumper stays in the picture, but maybe the abruptness would be softened by "When would you want me in Vermont? Doesn't show full commitment, but this is clearly what moved him to VT...heck it only took Derrick to walk in once on Addison and McSteamy and he went to Seattle Grace

   Duncan reached over to pick up his cell, paused, noted the time, and then dialed.

   “Cal, it’s Duncan”. He took a deep decisive breath before asking the next question. “When do you want me in Vermont?”

This is actually not the end of the first chapter, (2 more pages) but it seemed to be a good cutting off point...in those final 2 pages you do learn that Duncan is divorced and has finally decided to move on now that he is in Vt.

This is the story...it's not as much about the two of them coming together as it is about them believing that they will find love again. Think of the movie the Holiday...The story is about two women who dare to love again...we start with both of them suffering heartbreak...and at least one of the ex-paramours comes back later. The real story is when they rent each others' houses and find new love. It's not really about Jack Black and Jude Law (although they don't hurt...) But we wouldn't understand why they switched countries or why they were reticent to love again, if we had just seen them getting off the plane. Duncan's story with Jenna is much more important than Anne's story with Tripp...(he is more of a footnote) because Jenna comes back (after they are divorced) as her pouty manipulative self and almost gives Anne a reason not to trust Duncan. I would hate to spring Jenna on the reader in chapter 16. I am wondering if you hadn't read the way the chapter was fist written if you would view it the same. (Of course we can't  back story that)...I really appreciate your comments because they are incredibly helpful to see what is and isn't clear in the timeline/who's speaking etc. I'll try to see if there are sections that can come out later on without diminishing the gravity of the way in which Duncan totally fell for Jenna and then how she hurt him.

All this can be cut. The important bits can be inserted into the story later on, but for Duncan, life begins again when he steps off the airplane in Burlington VT. It's backstory in the sense that it's not necessary to read a recap of the marriage ending before we see the new beginning. Moreover, if this is how it shakes out, then he hasn't even filed for divorce yet, and it's going to raise issues if he's still technically married while he's in a relationship with Anne.

Sorry. I wish I had more positive things to say, but I think this seciton is a rabbit-trail that doesn't need to be here. The opening of a story requires focus: a main character and the beginnings of the important questions that will shape the remainder of the narrative. His story with Jenna is over. The beginning of the novel should be the beginning of his story with Anne, not the end of something else.
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[bbrodie]

  You had written that the horse show takes place every year in March. I rendered it "the horse show takes place every March." Why? Because March, by definition, takes place during the year. Two words, no added benefit, out they go. That's the kind of slice-and-dice we do when we edit. If the word does nothing, pitch it. The adverbs just amplify what already happened: out they go. She climbed up the steps? Slice the UP out of the sentence and it's the same sentence. Yep...totally agree...

The Annual Hawkes Bay Horse Show takes place in March

  still confused about the present v past here though...The Hawkes Bay Horse of the Year Show takes took place every year in March. Hmmm this one I really wrestle with because it does take place every year (March or not March)... It's like would one say Burlington is the largest city in VT or was the largest city in VT?? I'm always unsure here...was kind of makes me think it is no longer... It has/had  become one of the premier event...

[Tabris]

You're in the past tense, so stay in the past tense. "The horse show took place every March" conveys to us that during the timeperiod of the story, every year there was a horse show, and every year it took place in March. You would also keep it in past tense to tell us Burlington was the biggest city in VT or that gravity kept his feet on the ground or the moon went through all its phases every twenty-eight days. It's understand that you're in past tense, so switching into present tense to give us some detail about the real world is more than a little jarring.

I think part of the convention of doing that is if you're writing for the ages, in fifty years, that horse show may no longer be taking place every March.

[Tabris]

Here's the QT blog take on ways to insert necessary backstory:  http://querytracker.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-zen-of-backstory.html

[bbrodie]

Tabris...   SOOOO HELPFUL  I think part of the convention of doing that is if you're writing for the ages, in fifty years, that horse show may no longer be taking place every March.

I never really thought about it like that...(CRASH...oh yeah, that's the sound of light dawning on Marblehead!!)

I'll check out the blog site you recommended...As I was reading The Associate last night I noticed he would start half of his back story with someone talking about it (in a long paragraph), using the convention of dialogue and  "He told me...."  or "The Sargent continued..."  in front of it. I'm not really sure those three words make it any less back story....but I'll keep whittling away what I think might be able to go. Thanks again!

PS. Just drove through Colchester...for sure Mallet's Bay ave. still looks like it did thirty a hundred years ago!!