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Author Topic: Paths of Greythorn  (Read 614 times)
Daystorm
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« on: January 11, 2017, 12:59:44 PM »

Ok, I've always been one of those "slog through things" kind of people, you know, the ones determined to figure everything out on their own. I have people who read things for me, but they are friends, people who know me, and in such are inclined towards kindness. I thank you for any insight on this query.

___________

The fairies of Caliah are a species on the edge of extinction, their only hope a woman from Earth gifted with visions of the future. The Gods desperately race against time to restore the balance of power and prevent the violent implosion of their fairy children. They enlist the assistance of an unlikely champion: Daystorm, a woman tied to their planet through her dreams and her soul. Following a dramatic entrance into the lives of the fairies of Greythorn, Daystorm faces the daunting task of gaining the trust and assistance of this insular people. How in the world can she change their future if she can’t even change their misguided opinions of her?

She isn’t without potential allies. There’s Skye, a newly appointed Commander with a chip on her shoulder who wants to prove herself worthy of the position. General Fox, a man destined for death and determined to win her heart. And Galan Sylvara, the king who isn’t King. A man full of sketchy excuses over past events which left him the sole survivor of the royal family. A man who takes what he wants, regardless of the consequences, and he wants the throne.

When a starved and tortured creature from her visions emerges from the dungeons, Daystorm realizes that time is the one thing not on her side. Time and goblins, packs of slimy, venom injecting, freaks of nature determined to snack on everyone she cares for. Daystorm must become the Champion for the one creature an entire city despises, at the cost of alienating her newfound friends. If she fails, her path becomes embroiled in their destructive ends. A future as a soulless shell or a cold blooded assassin was never a part of her life’s goals.

I am searching for representation for THE PATHS OF GREYTHORN, a fantasy novel intended to be the first in the Shadows of Sylvara series, complete at 120,000 words.

I participated in NaNoWriMo for the first in 2015, ending the month over 99K words. In order to further develop my skill set, I’ve completed a Webinar on submission packages through Writer’s Digest University and taken workshops offered by local authors at my public library. I also train in Muay Thai, a form of kickboxing, which aides in lending a touch of realism to the fight scenes within my novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
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Gobbo
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« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2017, 01:16:36 PM »

Please keep in mind this is only my opinion, but let me go backward from bottom to top. I don't feel your bio is helping you. If you don't have 'credits', I would suggest you leave it blank and let your work speak for itself. Also, I wouldn't mention series. Right now, just query this book and only this book. If nothing else, you can mention it has series potential . . . but I'd be leery even of that.

120K words is a little on the heavy side even for fantasy. Some agents may overlook that, but I know it'll be instant rejection from others. Believe me . . . I know. Please don't be offended, but you're a bit wordy. A lot of your sentences could be tightened. And I'm guessing such is also the case with your novel. Again, my apologies if that comes off smarmy, but that's how agents judge our novels initially . . . through our queries.

The other thing that bothered me is how you introduced so many characters. I'd suggest you say she has allies and leave it at that. Focus on the main character only. Also, the rhetorical question in the first paragraph isn't needed. In fact, most agents hate them.

Again, my apologies, but I feel like your query needs a lot of editing and tightening. But take my opinion with a grain of salt. If I knew what I was doing, I'd have landed an agent by now. . . .

Below is an example of how it could be tightened:

The fairies of Caliah are a species on the edge of extinction dying, and only hope Daystorma woman from Earth gifted with visions of the future. (em dash here -- a psychic from Earth? can save them.)

The Fairies of Caliah are dying, and only Daystorm — a psychic from Earth — can save them.

Again, hope this helped.
« Last Edit: January 24, 2017, 12:05:54 AM by Gobbo » Logged

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GoldyGirl
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« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2017, 02:30:07 PM »

The fairies of Caliah are a species on the edge of extinction. Their only hope is a woman from Earth gifted with visions of the future psychic from Earth. The Gods desperately race against time to restore the balance of power and prevent the violent implosion of their fairy children What power needs balance? What violent implosion? I think you need to mention what is causing the extinction of the fairies.. They enlist the assistance of an unlikely champion: Daystorm, a woman tied to their planet through her dreams and her soul. Following a dramatic entrance into the lives of the fairies of Greythorn, Daystorm faces the daunting task of gaining the trust and assistance of this insular people. The fairies? Keep it simple. A little too wordy. How in the world can she change their future if she can’t even change their misguided opinions of her?

She isn’t without potential allies. There’s Skye, a newly appointed Commander with a chip on her shoulder who wants to prove herself worthy of the position. General Fox, a man destined for death and determined to win her heart. And Galan Sylvara, the king who isn’t King. A man full of sketchy excuses over past events which left him the sole survivor of the royal family. A man who takes what he wants, regardless of the consequences, and he wants the throne. Introducing too many characters. It's too much information that takes away from the plot of your story. I've gathered more information about your characters than I have the main concept of your story.

When a starved and tortured creature I'd say what this creature is. Could be anything. Dragon? Rabbit? And I'd just use one adjective to describe whatever it is. from her Daystorm's visions emerges from the dungeons what dungeons? where?, Daystorm realizes that time is the one thing not on her side. Time and goblins, packs of slimy, venom injecting, freaks of nature this sounds like an opinion someone has of the creatures. Is it Daystorm's opinion? determined to snack on everyone she cares for. Goblins? Is that creature? Not sure where the goblins fit into this. Daystorm must become the Champion for the one creature an entire city despises, at the cost of alienating her newfound friends. If she fails, her path becomes embroiled in their destructive ends. What are you really trying to say with this? I feel like we're getting a little wordy here. Sentences can be simplified and shortened. The point needs to be clear. A future as a soulless shell or a cold blooded assassin was never a part of her life’s goals.

I am searching for representation for THE PATHS OF GREYTHORN, a fantasy novel intended to be the first in the Shadows of Sylvara series, complete at 120,000 words. From my understanding, I don't write fantasy so I could be wrong, your word count is a tad high. It may or may not matter. Avg. fantasy novel word counts fall between 90-100k give or take. If you could chop 10k out, I think you'd have better luck.

I participated in NaNoWriMo for the first in 2015, ending the month over 99K words Although that is impressive, I'd leave this out.. In order to further develop my skill set, I’ve completed a Webinar on submission packages through Writer’s Digest University and taken workshops offered by local authors at my public library. All good stuff, but without true credentials, I'd leave this out as well. I also train in Muay Thai, a form of kickboxing, which aides in lending a touch of realism to the fight scenes within my novel. Unless you were writing a story about Muay Thai or kickboxing, this won't have much leverage.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

First off, thanks for sharing and welcome to QT Smiley

So, honestly, I'm a little lost. I'll type out what I gathered from your query and we'll see if I got it.

Fairies are dying, becoming extinct. Daystorm, a physic from Earth comes to their rescue. The fairies don't trust her. Something about goblins that eat people and a starved creature, and honestly, I'm not sure I understand what happens with that. The city hates the creature, and Daystorm becomes the creatures "Champion"? Is the creature a goblin? Please forgive me if I'm coming off too harsh. I truly am just trying to help and understand.

I have to agree with Gobbo. Your prose is a little much and the information we need is too vague. Gobbo suggested that you "tighten up" your sentences. In other words...simplify. If you do that, I guarantee it'll make a huge difference.

I hope I was able to help. Good luck! Smiley
« Last Edit: January 11, 2017, 02:33:55 PM by GoldyGirl » Logged

hmm    "We all die. The goal isn't to live forever. The goal is to create something that will." -Chuck Palahniuk
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« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2017, 03:23:52 PM »

Ok, I was a little too proud of that one i think. I understand where you're going with the bio, but was told conflicting information about needing it/not needing it. (by an agent no less) I don't mind leaving it out though. As for the word count, according to a lot of places, writers digest included, 120,000 is not bad for a fantasy novel. Some places say 90 - 115, others say 120. It's a touch long, but not epic long.

I'm really trying to work on simplifying things. Also, i wonder if it needs to be mentionned that it's a multiple POV novel?

Here's another go, which is much shorter.

____

Nightmares stalk Daystorm in her sleep. As if dreams of people dying aren’t bad enough, they have a realistic flavor to them, almost like a glimpse of the future. Only, she’s fairly certain that fairies don’t exist beyond myths and legends.

She quickly discovers otherwise.

Meeting the characters from her dreams while they’re still alive will take some getting used to. Now if only they didn’t believe that she’ll grow a second head and devour the souls of innocents. Worse yet, the one person determined to win her heart is destined for a gruesome death. She can’t include him in her future because he has none.

When a fairy twisted by magic escapes from the palace dungeon, he’s charged in the death of the guards. Daystorm must become the champion for a creature the entire city despises at the risk of alienating her new friends.

The fairies of Greythorn aren’t the only ones whose future is at stake. Daystorm’s caught in their downward momentum. If she can’t affect the changes needed within, she becomes the monster they made her out to be and risks losing the one person she’s coming to love.
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Gobbo
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« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2017, 05:12:17 PM »

Sadly, that's normal. What one agent says to do, the other says to avoid. Honestly, it depends on the agent. Your call, but when two or more people tell you the same thing. . . .

Your newest query is way too vague and disjointed. If I may be so bold? I get the impression you wrote this rough and right away. Instead, take the time to reconsider the advice given and let your newest attempt sit for a while before you post it. For example, your hook is about your main character basically sleeping. That's not how you want to open your query. It tells us nothing about the character other than she has nightmares.

See what I mean?

Again, rework your query and give it and yourself time to cool off before you repost. I know, I know. I'm tempted each time too, but you'd be amazed what a difference it makes when you read your writing with cooler eyes.
« Last Edit: January 24, 2017, 12:04:52 AM by Gobbo » Logged

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GoldyGirl
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« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2017, 05:24:20 PM »

Ok, I was a little too proud of that one i think. Lol. I know the feeling. It's alright. I understand where you're going with the bio, but was told conflicting information about needing it/not needing it. (by an agent no less) Oh! Well an agent would know more than me! Maybe some other QT members will weigh in. I could be wrong. I don't mind leaving it out though. As for the word count, according to a lot of places, writers digest included, 120,000 is not bad for a fantasy novel. Some places say 90 - 115, others say 120. It's a touch long, but not epic long. No, just a tad long. That's why I said to be on the safe side you may want to chop out what you can. Judging only by your query, I wouldn't be surprised if you had more simplifying to do in your novel. That'll help with word count. I don't think your WC is too much of an issue. Just something to keep in mind. Personally, I'd eliminate some words, but that's your call.

I'm really trying to work on simplifying things. Also, i wonder if it needs to be mentionned that it's a multiple POV novel? If you don't mind me asking, out of curiosity, how many POVs and who? I don't know if you have to or not, but I would.

Here's another go, which is much shorter.

____

Nightmares stalk Daystorm in her sleep. As if dreams of people dying aren’t bad enough, they have a realistic flavor to them, almost like a glimpse of the future. Only, she’s fairly certain that fairies don’t exist beyond myths and legends. I pictured real people dying in her dreams, not fairies, so when you mentioned fairies in the next sentence it throws the reader off. I imagine an agent would think the same thing.  

She quickly discovers otherwise.

Meeting the characters from her dreams while they’re still alive will take some getting used to why?. Now if only they didn’t believe that she’ll grow a second head and devour the souls of innocents. kinda so-so. Feels like you're beating around the bush instead of just saying that the fairies are afraid of Daystorm, or don't trust her, ect. Worse yet, the one person determined to win her heart is destined for a gruesome death why?. She can’t include him in her future because he has none. Do you mean, she cant see him in her visions of the future because he doesn't have one? I like that.

So I imagine the next paragraph would mention how they plan to fix that, to keep him alive, but it doesn't. Unless the fairy twisted by magic IS the guy she loves...?

When a fairy twisted by magic escapes from the palace dungeon much better this way, he’s charged in the death of the guards he's charged WHEN he escapes, or after he's escaped and killed the guards?. Daystorm must become the champion for a creature the entire city despises at the risk of alienating her new friends. Why does she have to do that? What's in it for her?

The fairies of Greythorn aren’t the only ones whose future is at stake. Day storm's caught in their downward momentum how so? vague. If she can’t affect the changes needed within huh? vague, she becomes the monster they made her out to be accused her of and risks losing the one person she’s coming to loves.


I'm still not entirely sure I understand the plot.

So, from my understanding (which has changed since your last query), Daystorm has visions of the future and she sees fairies dying. She goes to help them, but they don't believe or trust her, and they think she's a monster. There's a love interest with someone, not sure who, and he's destined to die, and I'm not sure why. That area definitely needs some work and clarity.

A fairy who is "twisted by magic" kills guards while escaping the palace dungeon and is wanted for murder. The entire city hates this fairy and Daystorm stands up for him. Not sure why she'd do that, and I'm not sure what any of this has to do with the fairies that are dying or becoming extinct. Your ending is off too. It's vague, and not in a mysterious-has-you-thinking way. It's confusing. You said, "If she can't affect the changes needed within...", but I have no idea what you mean by that. I understand what the stakes are: fairies die, her love dies, she becomes a monster... But what is the conflict? What is it that she has to do?
« Last Edit: January 11, 2017, 05:28:00 PM by GoldyGirl » Logged

hmm    "We all die. The goal isn't to live forever. The goal is to create something that will." -Chuck Palahniuk
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« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2017, 11:36:20 AM »

Hey there! I'm with Gobbo in that if I really knew what I was talking about, I would be JK Rowling rich and published twelve times over by now. I won't repeat what others have said, but I agree. It's HARD to figure out how to be concise, relay the plot, and be exciting!! It's really hard! It's something struggle with, too---all the critiques of my query are essentially the same sort of "I don't actually know what your story is about" thing. Though I am still working on it, what helped me was to just say it super plainly, e.g., faeries don't like humans but the only one who can save them is a human.  Now, that human has to overcome the prejudice of the people she has to save. But to do so, she needs to side with someone faeries hate even more. (If I am understanding correctly) and then build from that.

You're getting there!
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mgmystery
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« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2017, 08:03:19 AM »

I agree that the shorter one is clearer (not quite clear enough yet, but you're going in the right direction  Smiley ) Also, about the multiple POV: definitely mention it. It works fine to write the entire query from Daystorm's POV and add a quick sentence in the genre/word count paragraph explaining how many POV you're using.

Nightmares stalk Daystorm in her sleep Since it's nightmares, we know she's sleeping. As if dreams of people dying aren’t bad enough, they have a realistic flavor to them, almost like a glimpse of the future.Is there any quick way to explain why she thinks it's the future? Only, she’s fairly certain that fairies don’t exist beyond myths and legends. I kind of get where you're going with this opening, but I think it would be stronger if you begin with her name. Maybe something like--Daystorm's nightmares are taking over her life.That's obviously not great, but however she's feeling about the nightmares when the book opens.

She quickly discovers otherwise. I like this short sentence here!

Meeting the characters from her dreams while they’re still alive will take some getting used to. Now if only they didn’t believe that she’ll grow a second head and devour the souls of innocents. This makes me think she's killing the fairies in her dreams. Worse yet, the one person determined to win her heart is destined for a gruesome death. She can’t include him in her future because he has none.

When a fairy twisted by magic escapes from the palace dungeon, he’s charged in the death of the guards. Daystorm must become the champion for a creature the entire city despises at the risk of alienating her new friends. I agree with Goldygirl about this paragraph. We should know if he really killed the guards and why Daystorm feels responsible.

The fairies of Greythorn aren’t the only ones whose future is at stake. Daystorm’s caught in their downward momentum. If she can’t affect the changes needed within, she becomes the monster Again, I'm feeling like she's the one who kills the fairies in her dreams. If this is the case, I strongly suggest you say so at the beginning when the dreams are mentioned. Witnessing murder is horrible, but being responsible would be so much more frightening.they made her out to be and risks losing the one person she’s coming to love.

I hope all of this helps. Fitting everything you need into a fantasy query seems impossible to me, but I think you're getting there! 
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Daystorm
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« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2017, 06:19:22 PM »

Thanks for the encouragement! This has been a thorn under my foot for a while now and every time I think I have it down, I realize it's too vague. Sorry about the silence, there's been a lot going on in the last week, but I think I figured out my issue. (I hope) I was concentrating so hard on Day, who is one of the main characters, but her part in the story is to prevent the future from becoming a reality. Her quest, at the beginning anyways, is to basically bring about some form of change in the paths.

But it's not what the story's all about. So let's see if this makes a bit more sense.

---

Dear (agent)

The self-styled regent King, Galan Sylvara, should by all rights be next in line for the throne. Only the small matter of the missing twin heirs stands in his way. In the eyes of the fairy people, Galan’s doing everything he can to bring the twins home safely. What they don’t see are the goblin mercenaries he hires to patrol the border in search of his niece and her bothersome rebel gang, the Auric. When the hybrid Champion of the Gods appears in the fairy capital of Greythorn, Galan pictures a bright future for his people. He counts on this Daystorm to solidify his claim to the throne, for she can be there for no other reason. Except, perhaps, to be his queen.

The dream walker from Earth, Daystorm, has one mission: prevent the future she foresees from becoming a reality. To do so, she must travel to the world of Caliah, grow a pair of wings, and somehow gain the trust of a people who fear outsiders. Oh, and not fall in love with her perfect man. She can’t include him in her future because he has none.

Daystorm’s soon embroiled in a family feud which, according to her visions, ends in one way: with Galan as a tyrant King. Wars will follow and soon the fairies will be wiped from the face of Caliah forever.

What would the world be like without those bright lights racing through the canopy? Daystorm, for one, hopes she never has to find out.

I am searching for representation for THE PATHS OF GREYTHORN, a multiple point of view fantasy novel complete at 120,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
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mochik
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« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2017, 06:30:08 PM »

This is much clearer! A few points I noticed (sorry, trying on my phone so can't make the quote and fancy colors).

When the hybrid champion....I assume this is Daystorm? Mention her by name at first to avoid confusion.

I like the paragraph describing Daystorm's mission, it sets up her story neatly.

I don't think you need the lines before the closing ('What would the world be like....). Most things I've seen online say to stay away from rhetorical questions. The sections before are more solid.

You're definitely on the right track here Smiley
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mgmystery
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« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2017, 08:17:59 AM »

I have to admit, I'm a little torn here. This does give some information to clarify, but for me the first paragraph doesn't grab you as well as the second. I do love this sentence--Except, perhaps, to be his queen.

The dream walker from Earth, Daystorm, has one mission: prevent the future she foresees from becoming a reality. To do so, she must travel to the world of Caliah, grow a pair of wings, and somehow gain the trust of a people who fear outsiders. Oh, and not fall in love with her perfect man. She can’t include him in her future because he has none.I LOVE this paragraph. Good voice! (I'm on the fence about whether you should be clearer about her knowledge of the perfect man having no future)

Daystorm’s soon embroiled in a family feud which, according to her visions, ends in one way: with Galan as a tyrant King. I wonder if you could give some info from the first paragraph here. Does Daystorm know Galen's thoughts about her? Is she his queen in her visions? Also, I think you could mention the part of his betrayal from Daythorn's POV too. (since she knows things from her visions.) Wars will follow and soon the fairies will be wiped from the face of Caliah forever.

What would the world be like without those bright lights racing through the canopy? Daystorm, for one, hopes she never has to find out. I agree with Mochik here.

These are just some thoughts. I'm interested to see what others think about this one.
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« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2017, 08:55:57 AM »

I'm afraid this didn't work for me. Whenever I read two or more adjectives strung together like pearls before a noun, a flag goes up in my mind. If it's in the hook, I worry that it's in the book. Your query also made me think that Galan would be the protagonist. But at the end of your query, I started to wonder if in fact Daystorm was.

That's a problem.

If indeed Daystorm is the main character, you need to open with her and not Galan. This is especially true if Galan is the antagonist. Your MC must show center stage. Otherwise, it's the villain's book and not the other way around. Yes, even if it's a multiple PoV novel, pulling that off in a query raises the bar like you wouldn't believe.

Sadly, I recommend a complete rewrite. I know that sucks, but it's only my humble opinion.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2017, 09:55:05 AM by Gobbo » Logged

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« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2017, 10:01:02 AM »


Dear (agent)

The self-styled regent King, Galan Sylvara, should by all rights be next in line for the throne. Only the small matter of the missing twin heirs stands in his way [Why are the twins heirs? If Galan is the king regent, wouldn't one of them already be King/Queen? I may be wrong, but "heir" sounds weird to me.]. In the eyes of the fairy people, Galan’s doing everything he can to bring the twins home safely. What they don’t see are the goblin mercenaries he hires to patrol the border in search of his niece [What about the other twin?] and her bothersome rebel gang, the Auric. When the hybrid Champion of the Gods [What is that?] appears in the fairy capital of Greythorn, Galan pictures a bright future for his people. He counts on this Daystorm [What's a Daystorm?] to solidify his claim to the throne, for she can be there for no other reason. Except, perhaps, to be his queen.

The dream walker from Earth, Daystorm, [Oh, is Daystorm her name? I would make that clearer in the paragraph above. I think the "this" prevents Daystorm from sounding like a name.] has one mission: prevent the future she foresees from becoming a reality. To do so, she must travel to the world of Caliah, grow a pair of wings, and somehow gain the trust of a people who fear outsiders. [Is Caliah where Galan lives, or is that a completely different world? Why does she need a pair of wings? Why does she need the people of Caliah's trust?] Oh, and not fall in love with her perfect man. She can’t include him in her future because he has none. [Why do you say her "perfect man" doesn't have a future? Is that a vision she sees?]

[Some general questions: why does Daystorm care about what happens to this world? Does she know about it? How does she get there from Earth?]

Daystorm’s soon embroiled in a family feud which, according to her visions, ends in one way: with Galan as a tyrant King. Wars will follow and soon the fairies will be wiped from the face of Caliah forever. [So if Galan is in Caliah, I'd make that clearer earlier.]

What would the world be like without those bright lights racing through the canopy? [<--This line confuses me--I don't see the connection to the rest of the query.] Daystorm, for one, hopes she never has to find out.

I am searching for representation for THE PATHS OF GREYTHORN, a multiple point of view fantasy novel complete at 120,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.




I'm a bit confused at the connection between Daystorm and Galan; I know she can envision it, but how can she solidify his claim to the throne? I think if you make the connection between Daystorm and Galan clearer (since I assume they are the two POV's you use in the book?), then it will make your query letter stronger.

Hope this helps. Good luck!  Smiley
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« Reply #13 on: January 24, 2017, 01:19:53 PM »

mochik: Thanks for that! I agree, the last sentence was put there more for flourish than anything else.

mgmystery: I understand where you're coming from, but I'm not sure I should change the order at this time. I am looking into it though. Life is hitting me with a brick wall right now, but enough of my excuses.

TigerAsh: The twins are heirs because they disapeared before they came of age to ascend to the throne - they were never crowned. I appreciate your comments! I changed future to deaths, seeing the future wouldn't necessarily phase anyone, but having deaths replayed over and over again at night would certainly give her cause to care. That last line, no worries. It's irrelevant to the query at this time, sorry to confuse people!

I thank you all for your constructive criticism, I hope this edit has fixed some of the issues brought forth. (I do intend on commenting on other queries, once I figure out what to say! I seem to be having difficulties with mine, so don't feel quite qualified to help others just yet.)

In any case, here's the updated version:




The self-styled King of the fairies, Galan Sylvara, should, by all rights, be next in line for the throne. Only the small matter of the missing twin heirs stands in his way.

In the eyes of the people, Galan’s doing everything he can to bring the twins home safely. What they don’t see are the goblin mercenaries he hired to patrol the border in search of his niece and her rebels, the Auric. Or his nephew, broken and starving in the dark cells beneath the palace.

When the Champion of the Gods, Daystorm, appears in the fairy capital of Greythorn, Galan pictures a bright future for his people. He counts on Daystorm to aide him against the Auric in his bid for the throne. For she can be there for no other reason. Except, perhaps, to be his queen.

The dream walker from Earth, Daystorm, has one mission: prevent the deaths she foresees from becoming a reality. To do so, she must travel to the world of Caliah – with a little help from the Gods, grow a pair of wings, and somehow gain the trust of a people who fear outsiders. Oh, and not fall in love with her perfect man. She can’t include him in her future because he has none.

Daystorm’s soon embroiled in a family feud which, according to her visions, ends in one way: with Galan as a tyrant King. War follows, and soon the fairies will be wiped from the face of Caliah forever. That is, unless she can change the paths and ensure a future where the missing twins take their proper place as King and Queen of Greythorn.
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« Reply #14 on: January 24, 2017, 05:14:50 PM »

Jumping in here with fresh eyes...

This is looking really good! I'd skimmed it before in older posts, but this time I feel like I really *get* the plot of the book. There's only one thing I'm confused about. At the start of paragraph three, you write "When the Champion of the Gods, Daystorm..." and then paragraph four starts "The dream walker from Earth, Daystorm..." At first I was wondering if Daystorm was the name of a kind of creature, not a given name, and if these were two different people, but I think they're meant to be one person, right? If I were you, I'd cut the one about dream walker from Earth. For one, I understand the idea of "champion of the gods" more than I understand "dreamwalker from Earth"...the second one confuses me, and I don't really think you want/need to take the time to explain it here in the query. Also, you're starting two paragraphs back to back with the same sentence structure and it doesn't seem to be for any kind of stylistic reason, which is distracting for me as a writer.

Anyway, I really think you've done a great job otherwise. It's very readable, flows well, and sounds interesting.
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