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Author Topic: JAMAICA MOON - Contemporary Fiction  (Read 3228 times)
decision
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« Reply #15 on: February 10, 2018, 10:37:57 AM »

Just wanted to say I also like the first one, and that having been in St Vincent & the Grenadines late last year, I'm excited to read this one!
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« Reply #16 on: February 10, 2018, 06:48:32 PM »

Hi 007 Fan - thanks for taking the time to go through the queries again and offer your suggestions.
The mob guys are still after Jamaica because they want to scare her into transporting their drugs/weapons. The plane was flying low over the hit and they saw it was Jamaica's plane and saw the passenger with the zoom lens. I'll think on your comments.

Hi decision - thanks!
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mgmystery
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« Reply #17 on: February 13, 2018, 08:11:49 AM »

I like the new opening but I'm a little bit cloudy on what's most important to this story. I agree with 007 about leaving out the heartbroken friend--and I'm wondering, Is the crash landing with the orphans back story?

Since I've read your first chapter, I feel like this might be a case of Jamaica knows Daisy could be trouble, but takes her on because she can't refuse her generous pocketbook. Then ends up with her child because Daisy is so irresponsible she doesn't have an emergency plan.

Questions: At the beginning of the book,is the mob already chasing her? Has the crash landing with the orphans already happened? Is she with Daisy at the time of her arrest, and that's why she has the child? Does she have Daisy's pictures, and how does the mobsters know this? (It seems like this important evidence would be a huge help to get Daisy a reduced sentence.) I think your stakes are solid: Jamaica needs to get this kid to safety before she's responsible for his injury or death. But I don't see any reason for her not to go to the police for help. Sorry if this feels like you're getting further away from the nice neat query you started with.  eek I really do think you have a good plot.  Smiley
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Zooks
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« Reply #18 on: February 13, 2018, 04:09:43 PM »

Hi mgmystery,
Thanks for reading the chapter and giving your input. Yes, Jamaica is wary of Daisy but needs the money.The crash-landing with the orphans takes place afterwards. Jamaica is there when Daisy is arrested for drug possession and then learns that Daisy has left her 3 y.o. son alone in a motel. Since Daisy is going through an ugly divorce, she refuses to give Jamaica any contact information (or surname) of her estranged husband.
The mob has been after Jamaica for quite some time to get her to be a courier for them. They've shot at her plane and physically/verbally threaten her. Jamaica does not have Daisy's pictures. Jamaica does not have faith in the police and doesn't want to put this already traumatized child into the child protective services or risk the mobsters getting their hands on him.
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THIS AIN'T NO COWBOY MOVIE -  YA
BROGWIN FRAYNEY AND HOW HE NEARLY SAVED A KINGDOM - MG
DEATH AT THE DRIVE-IN - Fiction - Published - available on Amazon
MOTORCYCLE BABIES - YA
A SCOUNDREL'S TALE - fiction
Munley
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« Reply #19 on: February 13, 2018, 04:35:40 PM »



. . .  Jamaica knows Daisy could be trouble, but takes her on because she can't refuse her generous pocketbook. Then ends up with her child because Daisy is so irresponsible she doesn't have an emergency plan.


This does sound like a great plot.

I like the wording of mgmyster's guess about what's going on in the book -- particularly the pocketbook sentence. If you think it would fit the rest of the tone, you might want to use that phrasing, if mgmystery's okay with that.

You've built up a lot of suspense in the query. That's great.
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Zooks
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« Reply #20 on: February 13, 2018, 06:52:36 PM »

Thanks, Munley. I appreciate your encouragement and support.
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BROGWIN FRAYNEY AND HOW HE NEARLY SAVED A KINGDOM - MG
DEATH AT THE DRIVE-IN - Fiction - Published - available on Amazon
MOTORCYCLE BABIES - YA
A SCOUNDREL'S TALE - fiction
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« Reply #21 on: February 14, 2018, 07:54:35 AM »

I still think it might be better to leave out the orphans in the query just to keep on track. Maybe just mention that she's trying to keep her passengers from potential danger. You could also add since the traffickers can't get to Daisy while she's in jail they go after Jamaica (for clarity). And I think it would be great if you could manage to mention that Daisy's a return (troublesome) customer. Oh yeah--like Munley said, I don't mind at all if you use my wording in the query.
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« Reply #22 on: February 14, 2018, 10:07:02 PM »

Thanks again, mgmystery, for your suggestions. Much appreciated.
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NOOKS & GRANNIES - quirky paranormal
GATSBY DELANEY - 7TH GRADE IMPRESARIO - MG
THIS AIN'T NO COWBOY MOVIE -  YA
BROGWIN FRAYNEY AND HOW HE NEARLY SAVED A KINGDOM - MG
DEATH AT THE DRIVE-IN - Fiction - Published - available on Amazon
MOTORCYCLE BABIES - YA
A SCOUNDREL'S TALE - fiction
Pineapplejuice
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« Reply #23 on: February 14, 2018, 11:25:01 PM »

Hi mgmystery,
Thanks for reading the chapter and giving your input. Yes, Jamaica is wary of Daisy but needs the money.The crash-landing with the orphans takes place afterwards. Jamaica is there when Daisy is arrested for drug possession and then learns that Daisy has left her 3 y.o. son alone in a motel. Since Daisy is going through an ugly divorce, she refuses to give Jamaica any contact information (or surname) of her estranged husband.
The mob has been after Jamaica for quite some time to get her to be a courier for them. They've shot at her plane and physically/verbally threaten her. Jamaica does not have Daisy's pictures. Jamaica does not have faith in the police and doesn't want to put this already traumatized child into the child protective services or risk the mobsters getting their hands on him.




Gosh i think this says a lot of interesting stuff, in a relatable way lol Just needs excess words taken out if possible.

When 'Daisy is arrested for drug possession and then learns that Daisy has left her 3 y.o. son alone in a motel. Since Daisy is going through an ugly divorce, she refuses to give Jamaica any contact information (or surname) of her estranged husband.
The mob has been after Jamaica for quite some time to get her to be a courier for them. They've shot at her plane and physically/verbally threaten her. Jamaica does not have Daisy's pictures. Jamaica does not have faith in the police and doesn't want to put this already traumatized child into the child protective services or risk the mobsters getting their hands on him.'
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« Reply #24 on: February 15, 2018, 02:17:12 PM »

Thanks, Pineapplejuice.

Hopefully, this is the final one:

Dear Agent,

As if it wasn’t hard enough keeping her sightseeing business airborne and making payments on the Cessna, Jamaica Moon is literally dodging bullets for refusing to transport illegal drugs and weapons throughout the Caribbean. She takes on a passenger knowin she’s trouble but can’t refuse her generous pocketbook.

Daisy Horowitz, a New York paparazzo, wants to take aerial shots of British royals on holiday. She directs Jamaica to fly over the wrong island and captures a mob hit through her zoom lens. Now the thugs are after her to get the incriminating film before it reaches the police.

When Daisy is arrested for drug possession, Jamaica learns Daisy has left her non-verbal three year-old son alone in a run-down motel. With no idea how to contact his father, Jamaica takes the boy under her wing. Focusing on the child, Jamaica is blindsided by the mobster’s next move and it’ll take everything she’s got to survive.

At 62,500 words, Jamaica Moon, is a contemporary, multicultural novel with settings tilled with heady flavors of the Caribbean Islands.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2018, 03:51:12 PM by Zooks » Logged

NOOKS & GRANNIES - quirky paranormal
GATSBY DELANEY - 7TH GRADE IMPRESARIO - MG
THIS AIN'T NO COWBOY MOVIE -  YA
BROGWIN FRAYNEY AND HOW HE NEARLY SAVED A KINGDOM - MG
DEATH AT THE DRIVE-IN - Fiction - Published - available on Amazon
MOTORCYCLE BABIES - YA
A SCOUNDREL'S TALE - fiction
Pineapplejuice
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« Reply #25 on: February 15, 2018, 10:53:27 PM »

Thanks, Pineapplejuice.

Hopefully, this is the final one:

When Daisy is arrested for drug possession, Jamaica learns Daisy has left her non-verbal three year-old son alone in a run-down motel. With no idea how to contact his father, Jamaica takes the boy under her wing. Focusing on the child, Jamaica is blindsided by the mobster’s next move and it’ll take everything she’s got to survive.

I'd consider being more specific about the mobsters move and what she now has  to do to avoid mobsters, 'blindsided by mobsters next move' is telling and I feel like it's a bad note to end on. But I  like rest of the query. Smiley

« Last Edit: February 15, 2018, 10:54:59 PM by Pineapplejuice » Logged
mgmystery
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« Reply #26 on: February 16, 2018, 07:30:51 AM »

I know you don't want to give away your ending in the query, but I kinda want to see 2 things. 1. The specific details about mob boss next move. (It could be as simple as blindsided when the mobsters burn down her house or whatever. 2. Is she becoming attached to this child who obviously has such a bad living situation?
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« Reply #27 on: February 16, 2018, 02:32:07 PM »

Thank you Pineapplejuice and mgmystery. I appreciate your continued support.
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GATSBY DELANEY - 7TH GRADE IMPRESARIO - MG
THIS AIN'T NO COWBOY MOVIE -  YA
BROGWIN FRAYNEY AND HOW HE NEARLY SAVED A KINGDOM - MG
DEATH AT THE DRIVE-IN - Fiction - Published - available on Amazon
MOTORCYCLE BABIES - YA
A SCOUNDREL'S TALE - fiction
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« Reply #28 on: February 18, 2018, 04:16:24 AM »

Thanks, Pineapplejuice.

Hopefully, this is the final one:

Hi there,

Sorry to say this, but I'm still a bigger fan of your first query. I do think you have a real neat story here, but for me, something's just not working.


Dear Agent,

As if it wasn’t hard enough keeping her sightseeing business airborne and making payments on the (her) Cessna, Jamaica Moon is literally dodging bullets for refusing to transport illegal drugs and weapons throughout the Caribbean. Your transition is rough here, material-wise. She takes on a passenger knowing she’s trouble but can’t refuse her generous pocketbook.

For the above paragraph, I feel it would be smoother if you started with how Daisy dodges bullets (you don't need "literally"),
then mention how she's determined to make a living, has to or she'll starve or something, so she takes on the photographer even though she knows she's trouble.


Daisy Horowitz, a New York paparazzo, wants to take aerial shots of British royals on holiday. She accidentally directs Jamaica to fly over the wrong island and captures a mob hit through her zoom lens. Now the thugs are after her to get the incriminating film before it reaches the police. You leave us with such a good cliff-hanger here, then all this is dropped in next paragraph. No mention of the caught on film hit or anything.

It's a rough transition from previous paragraph to this next one, content-wise. Paragraph one segues to paragraph two very nicely,
then we get this jarring shift (for me).

When Daisy is arrested for drug possession, Jamaica learns Daisy has left her non-verbal three year-old son alone in a run-down motel. With no idea how to contact his father, Jamaica takes the boy under her wing. Focused on the child, Jamaica is blindsided by the mobster’s next move and it’ll take everything she’s got to survive. I agree with the others who said to give us more detail about this. I know from other posts that the mob goes after her because she won't fly drugs/etc. for them, so I don't know what to suggest as far as getting around your dropping of the "mob wants the film before pilot and photographer can get it to the police/photographer gets popped by police for drug possession but yet no mention of the 'hit pictures' situation.

ETA: I think to help with the rough transition to the 3rd paragraph, you could add that when Jamaica and Daisy go to the police with the film, Daisy is arrested for possession (if that's accurate for story)...

ETA, part 2: I think it could be okay not to mention the pictures from "Jamaica is blindsided" to the end of the query. You likely sew up the picture situation in your MS, and to mention the blindside is over her refusal to transport drugs for the mob could be muddying since the 'latest threat' was over the pictures and that's not really why she's blindsided. Readers might think that has to do with 'does she have the pictures, then?
kind of thing because that seems logical for the query, so maybe let people assume that? P.S. I know it's can be so hard to condense a busy story.... Smiley


At 62,500 < Round up or down for your count.words, Jamaica Moon < All caps for title. , is a contemporary, multicultural novel with settings tilled with heady flavors of the Caribbean Islands. Have you considered other genres for querying so you have more agents to query? I'm not an expert at genres, but it seems you have thriller/suspense elements.

« Last Edit: February 18, 2018, 06:24:48 AM by 007 fan » Logged

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« Reply #29 on: February 18, 2018, 02:17:47 PM »

Hi Pineapplejuice, thanks for taking the time to go over the query again and give your suggestions. I hope this version clarifies some things.

Dear Agent,

Jamaica Moon, a small craft pilot, is dodging bullets and sabotage from the Petit St. Vincent mobsters for refusing to transport contraband for them throughout the Caribbean. With her credit cards maxed to the limit to pay for the repairs, Jamaica takes on a passenger knowing she’s trouble but also knowing she pays cash.

Daisy Horowitz, a New York paparazzo, wants to take aerial shots of British royals on holiday. She accidentally directs Jamaica to fly over the wrong island and unknowingly captures a mob hit through her zoom lens. Later, when Daisy is arrested for drug possession, Jamaica learns Daisy has left her non-verbal three year-old son Ethan alone in an abandoned bungalow out by a deserted sugar plantation.

It’s only when Daisy develops the film that she realizes she’s got evidence of a murder. Now the thugs are after her to get the incriminating film before it reaches the police. When the mobster’s set fire to the house, Jamaica risks her life to save Ethan. With no idea how to contact the boy’s father, Jamaica takes Ethan under her wing. A kidnapping makes Jamaica realize just how attached she has become to the boy and it’ll take everything she’s got to protect him and give him up. 

At 62,500 words, JAMAICA MOON, is multicultural suspense fiction with settings tilled with heady flavors of the Caribbean Islands.


« Last Edit: February 18, 2018, 02:33:05 PM by Zooks » Logged

NOOKS & GRANNIES - quirky paranormal
GATSBY DELANEY - 7TH GRADE IMPRESARIO - MG
THIS AIN'T NO COWBOY MOVIE -  YA
BROGWIN FRAYNEY AND HOW HE NEARLY SAVED A KINGDOM - MG
DEATH AT THE DRIVE-IN - Fiction - Published - available on Amazon
MOTORCYCLE BABIES - YA
A SCOUNDREL'S TALE - fiction
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