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Author Topic: The Remnant - YA adventure  (Read 1682 times)
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« Reply #15 on: March 13, 2018, 11:28:44 PM »

All right, here goes:


I'd move the sentences around. As even though you did a nice job of explaining the set up, it just feels too run of the mill, with no passion.

Life inside the perimeter is getting intolerable. Petch's sister dies of a preventable illness, and Petch herself is being pressured to get married. ( I'd mention the marriage thing a little later as it dampens the urgency of the first problem )

Petch is a gay fifteen-year-old girl growing up in a repressive cult. Her community has been stuck inside a barbed-wire perimeter for thirty years, slowly running out of supplies and medicine. But they can't leave, because the Bishop, ruler of their community, has told them the outside world has been destroyed.  

A chance encounter leads her to suspect reveals the Bishop, ruler of her community, of hoarding lifesaving medicine. But as she Petch snoops around his assigned quarters for clues, she ends up tumbling into the river ( explain this a little because it reads as very convenient lol ) that flows through the village and getting washed under the perimeter fence. To her shock, there never was an apocalypse at all. The world continues on, thirty years after her cult cut off contact ( what does this mean? Re-word maybe ) .   Strangest of all, the outsiders she meets aren't evil at all. ( this is the first time you've mentioned outsiders being evil so the revelation lacks punch. Try to mention earlier, and create some fear and foreshadowing for this reveal )

She could stay in the outside world, finally pursuing a life of her own choosing. But her family and the girl she loves are trapped inside, so she decides to find a way back in. ( This so far reads as girl in fenced cult communtiy gets out and then tries to get back in. It's about as exciting as being locked out of your house and looking for spare keys )  Her mission: to dismantle the perimeter security keeping everyone in--and to convince them it’s safe to go out.  But it’s not going to be easy, with the Bishop keeping his flock brainwashed. Everyone in the village is a potential enemy, and the Bishop is willing to kill to keep his secret.  

I think the query needs more voice and specifics so we can picture this world a little better.It'sreading as flatand I think whoever it was above that said you've overedited it, is right. Mention more about love interest because we just don't care about her. I know there are wordcount issues but I think you'll have to pick some element to play on maybe. Needs more emotion and ...not feeling the urgency I should be about getting the family out. I mean, the sister is already dead so I'm struggling to see the reason for the sudden motivations of Petch. [/color]

About genre. I don't think there is any way to hide the fact this is dystopian sci-fi. I know agents aren't interested in it as they claim the market saturated. I personally love dystopian sci-fi . Agents want witch books but the thing is the people who love dystopian will continue to love it regardless of agents trying to dictate the market. Don't be discouraged.

I think all up you need to amplify the stakes. And give us a sense of who Petch is because we just don't care about her, and knowing her sister died and she's gay reads like a census form. Give us something more unique to know who she is.

REWRITE EXAMPLE: Ideas in purple can be replaced by specifics to the book. I think adding more details to the main plot focusses the story in the query and makes us care because we are seeing it and connect better )

Life inside The Perimeter is getting intolerable. Fifteen year old Petch's sister dies of a preventable illness, and the religious community is contained behind a barbed wire fence, unable to restock their medical supplies, not to mention food. The streets are growing quieter by the day, and Petch is suspecting a flu epidemic, and every time she goes to supply store with her basket, the list of available provisions is frustratingly small.

The Bishop is the leader of the community though, and reassures civilians they are as safe as they can be, and have to make do, and retells the story of how the outside world became a toxic wasteland.  

When ______ Petch suspects the Bishop, of hoarding lifesaving medicine.  Petch snoops around his assigned quarters for clues, choosing a rainy night to do it because less risk of being spotted. If she's found out, it would be treason. Everyone is locked within their homes,fearful of getting sick so she gets within ok. But with her evidence in her bag, she begins to leave only to slide in the mud.

Petch speeds towards the fence, tumbling into the river and to her horror, is washed up far outside the perimeter.
Not only that, but she can't seem to get back in. Petch finds people about on the other side of the river. They are healthy and well-fed, and according to them, everything the bishop has told her for thirty years was a lie.  Now Petch wants to get back in and help her ill mother and girlfriend but it’s not going to be easy, with the Bishop keeping his flock brainwashed, people are afraid to even talk to her, thinking Petch contaminated. Everyone in the village is a potential enemy, and the Bishop is willing to kill to keep his secret.  

« Last Edit: March 14, 2018, 09:00:39 AM by Pineapplejuice » Logged
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« Reply #16 on: March 14, 2018, 10:50:44 PM »

Sconn, I really like your latest version. it seems like a unique story with very human stakes, and the query reads well. I think I agree with mgmystery; it might be time to test it. Good luck.
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