QueryTracker Community
December 16, 2018, 12:29:03 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News:
 
   Home   Help Search Login Register  
Note: This forum uses different usernames and passwords than those of the main QueryTracker site. 
Please register if you want to post messages.

This forum is also accessible by the public (including search engines).
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Hitodama Opening  (Read 2074 times)
Aevin
Jr. Member
**

Karma: 2
Offline Offline

Posts: 25



« on: March 07, 2018, 12:36:44 PM »

Here's the first paragraph of my MG fantasy novel, Hitodama. I know it's not exactly the kind of hook that seizes the reader by the throat and beats them into submission, but ... does it do the job it needs to? I'm eager to hear your thoughts.
----------
Is it this way? Hito wondered, peering through the skeletal branches of trees into the deep void of the darkness surrounding him. Beneath his wooden sandals, twigs snapped and dried leaves crackled as he raced through the endless forest.
« Last Edit: March 07, 2018, 12:41:07 PM by Aevin » Logged
Seanszlepcsik
Newbie
*

Karma: 1
Offline Offline

Posts: 22


« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2018, 06:55:24 PM »

I like it! I'd be curious to read the entire first paragraph as this brings many questions to mind. Where is he going? Is he in trouble? Is he lost? Who is with him? These are the questions that immediately pop into my head. You can say I'm intrigued for sure. 
Logged
Farfadet
Jr. Member
**

Karma: 2
Offline Offline

Posts: 35


« Reply #2 on: March 08, 2018, 06:45:13 AM »

Here's the first paragraph of my MG fantasy novel, Hitodama. I know it's not exactly the kind of hook that seizes the reader by the throat and beats them into submission, but ... does it do the job it needs to? I'm eager to hear your thoughts.
----------
Is it this way? Hito wondered, peering through the skeletal branches of treesBranches are often of trees. A deep void of darkness surrounded him. Beneath his wooden sandals, twigs snapped and dried leaves crackled as he raced through the endless forest.

Hi!

I think this does a pretty good job at an opening line actually. It has tension, we know hito is lost and that this person is stressed from the choices of words. It also raises questions. Nice!

The only little thing since it's an opening line is that I would shorten the phrase after wondered like i pointed out. In my opinion, it flows better and adds with shorter sentences. ( though my suggestion is written quickly ;)
Logged
Aevin
Jr. Member
**

Karma: 2
Offline Offline

Posts: 25



« Reply #3 on: March 08, 2018, 12:29:39 PM »

Thanks so much to both of you for your feedback.

Sean: I don't want to flood the forum with my own posts, but I may post the first five pages within a few days. If you're interested to read more, I could certainly use all the feedback I can get.
Logged
MookyMcD
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 451
Offline Offline

Posts: 2400


"hilarious and offensive and usually accurate"


WWW
« Reply #4 on: March 08, 2018, 11:59:50 PM »

It's written well, but it starts with internal monologue and the rest is description. I've got to wonder if you're starting this too soon.
Logged

I put the nati in Illuminati
michaeljmcdonagh.wordpress.com
Aevin
Jr. Member
**

Karma: 2
Offline Offline

Posts: 25



« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2018, 12:03:39 PM »

Is starting with internal monologue considered bad practice? Lots of books begin with direct quotes, so I figured this would fall under the same umbrella.
Logged
Pineapplejuice
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 77
Offline Offline

Posts: 390



« Reply #6 on: March 10, 2018, 11:31:21 AM »

I like it. Internal monologue doesn't bother me as I like literary fiction, and you have character, in the thought. You also have a lovely description of the trees that was vivid for me. I have the cheap ability to find fault in anything but in this I'm really grasping at straws. Maybe 'endless' is not a helpful word as most forests are...forests and seem endless. And I had the same thought as Farfadet, on the second read. But I think that is really for a professional editor to decide on those finer things when you get published. I think you novel is probably really well written, and so long as your plot is paced well....Looking good is all I can say.  Smiley

And as a side. I actually prefer books to NOT start with dialogue or in a scene with characters doing stuff with other characters. I saw it done well by someone in QT recently, but normally I hate it. Some of these rules about how to start depend on the style of writer you are and also the book.

If your story starts off with a character who is alone, then creating a scene with people just because the rules say you need people for character interaction, then that scene that is not essential to the story, is not going to make a good scene.

It is a lot harder to make a scene interesting to read with one character, but when it's done well...I just love those books because if a character is interesting alone then that's a book I want to read.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2018, 11:42:43 AM by Pineapplejuice » Logged
NextChapter
Sr. Member
****

Karma: 28
Offline Offline

Posts: 127



« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2018, 12:52:50 PM »

I'm looking forward to reading the first five pages. I agree with the minor editorial suggestions, but the scene and mood are compelling.
Logged
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.2 | SMF © 2006-2007, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!