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Author Topic: For those of us who aren't ready for #PitMad...  (Read 1262 times)
kristinb
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always writing about magic and angry girls


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« on: March 08, 2018, 06:13:00 PM »

Let's share / critique elevator pitches here? Smiley

Here are the only two that I'm somewhat okay with. :/ Halp?


Penn's dad always says the mountain is cursed; but he never believed it - not til the mountain told told him themselves.  BONE GAP+STAND BY ME #pitmad #ya



BONE GAP+STAND BY ME. Penn's ancestors thought they were mining for gold, but they only made the mountains angry. Now, a girl is missing, and Penn's mentally ill father swears that more will vanish before summer’s end - unless Penn can stop it. #pitmad #ya
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JBeachum
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« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2018, 01:50:38 PM »

Let's share / critique elevator pitches here? Smiley

Here are the only two that I'm somewhat okay with. :/ Halp?


Penn's dad always says the mountain is cursed;, but he never believed it - not til the mountain told told him themselves itself.  BONE GAP+STAND BY ME #pitmad #ya



BONE GAP+STAND BY ME. Penn's ancestors thought they were mining for gold, but they only made the mountains angry. Now, a girl is missing, and Penn's mentally ill father swears that more will vanish before summer’s end - unless Penn can stop it. #pitmad #ya


Love the second one.
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Repped by Marisa Corvisiero of the Corvisiero Literary Agency
DNE44
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« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2018, 04:33:46 PM »

I'm fairly new to this, so feel free to take it with a grain of salt.

I think your second pitch is very strong.

The only quibble I have is that the first clause and second clause aren't perfectly parallel (i.e., the structure suggests that they thought they were mining for X, but they were actually mining for Y, and I'm not sure that parses here).

Maybe something like this instead:

When Penn's ancestors mined for gold, the only thing they unearthed was the mountains' anger.

Just a small suggestion. Great work!
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