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Author Topic: First Sentence/Paragraph - Alternate History/Fantasy Fiction  (Read 1403 times)
Vortigern
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« on: April 06, 2018, 11:58:12 AM »

Hi all,

Any and all thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated because everything I've been reading says that first sentence and the following paragraph afterward is so important to draw the reader in. So that's why I'm posting here, of course. This is my opener for my origin's story. It's a paranormal/supernatural fantasy fiction novel. And thanks in advance for taking a look.


“YOU MUST NEVER TELL A soul what you're capable of.”
The forceful words pierced the air. The once peaceful surroundings, resplendent with Scot pines and exotic lavender orchids, seemed gripped with a profound silence at Alestair Blackthorn’s command. Casting a quick glance back toward his sons, he realized he’d lost their attention once again. He scowled.
"I'm not getting a thing from him," Rathbourne said dejectedly, braking contact.
"That's cause I'm a vault," Creighton declared proudly, raising his chin in a cocky, 'you won't be able to discern my thoughts,' sort of way.
Lifting his eyes toward the heavens Alestair heaved an exasperated sigh.
It was all new to them.
Of all people, he understood that, but after the most recent incident the boys had to start taking things more seriously. Their twelfth birthday was in three weeks and they were already starting to show signs of the abilities they would soon possess. Even now he watched them, locked within a battle of wills, leaning over the large tree stump at the fork in the path while gazing intently back at each other, testing what they had discovered they could do so far.
« Last Edit: April 11, 2018, 07:05:47 PM by Vortigern » Logged

Inspiring Imagination Between Two Worlds
TigerAsh
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« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2018, 04:11:30 PM »

Hi all,

Any and all thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated because everything I've been reading says that first sentence and the following paragraph afterward is so important to draw the reader in. So that's why I'm posting here, of course. This is my opener for my origin's story. It's a paranormal/supernatural fantasy fiction novel. And thanks in advance for taking a look.


“YOU MUST NEVER TELL A soul what you're capable of.”
The forceful words pierced the air. The once peaceful surroundings, resplendent with Scot pines and exotic lavender orchids, seemed gripped with a profound silence at Alestair Blackthorn’s command. Casting a quick glance back toward his sons, he realized he’d lost their attention once again. He scowled.
"I'm not getting a thing from him," Rathbourne said dejectedly, braking contact.
"That's cause I'm a vault," Creighton declared proudly, raising his chin in a cocky, 'you won't be able to discern my thoughts,' sort of way. [I was a bit confused as to whether being "a vault" is actually Creighton's power, or he's just saying that as a joke. Also, I think it'd be better for you to reveal to the readers that Rathbourne was trying to read Creighton's mind other than with the line I highlighted in red.]
Lifting his eyes toward the heavens, Alestair heaved an exasperated sigh.
It was all new to them.
Of all people, he understood that, but after the most recent incident, the boys had to start taking things more seriously. Their twelfth birthday was in three weeks and they were already starting to show signs of the abilities they would soon possess. Even now he watched them, locked within a battle of wills, leaning over the large tree stump at the fork in the path while gazing intently back at each other, testing what they had discovered they could do so far.




Overall, I enjoyed reading this!

Hopefully my comments help. Good luck! Smiley
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Vortigern
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« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2018, 12:40:34 PM »

Hey, thanks! That actually is very helpful. I'll have to amend it a bit.  Yes
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Inspiring Imagination Between Two Worlds
NextChapter
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« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2018, 01:20:54 PM »

I thought it's "breaking contact". Am I wrong? "Braking" is more visual. I like it!
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Vortigern
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« Reply #4 on: April 25, 2018, 01:20:54 PM »

Next Chapter, Thank you!  I looked it up. It is supposed to be "Breaking" contact.  Smiley
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Kerfuffle
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« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2018, 11:51:14 AM »

Hi all,

Any and all thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated because everything I've been reading says that first sentence and the following paragraph afterward is so important to draw the reader in. So that's why I'm posting here, of course. This is my opener for my origin's story. It's a paranormal/supernatural fantasy fiction novel. And thanks in advance for taking a look.


“YOU MUST NEVER TELL A soul what you're capable of.”
The forceful words pierced the air. The once peaceful surroundings, resplendent with Scot pines and exotic lavender orchids, seemed gripped with a profound silence at Alestair Blackthorn’s command. Casting a quick glance back toward his sons, he realized he’d lost their attention once again. He scowled.
"I'm not getting a thing from him," Rathbourne said dejectedly, braking contact.
"That's cause I'm a vault," Creighton declared proudly, raising his chin in a cocky, 'you won't be able to discern my thoughts,' sort of way.
Lifting his eyes toward the heavens Alestair heaved an exasperated sigh.
It was all new to them.
Of all people, he understood that, but after the most recent incident the boys had to start taking things more seriously. Their twelfth birthday was in three weeks and they were already starting to show signs of the abilities they would soon possess. Even now he watched them, locked within a battle of wills, leaning over the large tree stump at the fork in the path while gazing intently back at each other, testing what they had discovered they could do so far.


I like the scene painted but I feel like its painted in the wrong order.

I'd start with describing the scene, then the announcement to keep the secret. To break up what the person says with a description of where you are, only to go back to his disappointment that they arent paying attention feels a bit off.

So, What i meant is this:

The once peaceful surroundings, resplendent with Scot pines and exotic lavender orchids, seemed (why are we seeming? either it is or it isnt, no seeming) gripped was heavy with a profound silence at until Alestair Blackthorn’s command.: “YOU MUST NEVER TELL A soul what you're capable of.” The forceful words pierced the air.

Casting a quick glance back toward his sons, he realized he’d lost their attention once again. He scowled.
"I'm not getting a thing from him," Rathbourne said dejectedly, breaking contact.
"That's cause I'm a vault," Creighton declared proudlyof his ability, raising his chin in a cockilyy, 'you won't be able to discern my thoughts,' sort of way.
Lifting his eyes toward the heavens Alestair heaved an exasperated sigh.
It was all new to them.
Of all people, he understood that, but after the most recent incident the boys had to start taking things more seriously. Their twelfth birthday was in three weeks and they were already starting to show signs of the abilities they would soon possess. Even now he watched them, locked within a battle of wills, leaning over the large tree stump at the fork in the path while gazing intently back at each other, testing what they had discovered they could do so far.

I hope that helps. It sounds really interesting, and like this starting point.
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Vortigern
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« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2018, 05:24:09 PM »

Hmmmm. All good points, Kerfluffle. Thank you. I may have to revisit this.

Although, I admittedly do like the "raising his chin in a cocky, 'you won't be able to discern my thoughts,' sort of way." portion. I was trying to signify to the reader that the characters think of their abilities as sensory discerned gifts and not 'powers'.

Is it just that it sounds too wordy to you? Or is it the style? I am open to reconsidering this if the reader is still able to gain the viewpoint I'm trying to convey with your way.
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Inspiring Imagination Between Two Worlds
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