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Author Topic: UPDATE in #6 Pitch for The Heron Kings, adult fantasy #PitProm tomorrow 7/14!  (Read 875 times)
mafiaking1936
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« on: April 09, 2018, 01:29:47 PM »

Thanks to all for your feedback so far on my albatross of a book! Here's a pitch:

"An apostate temple sister leads a ragtag band of peasants in their guerrilla insurgency against both factions of a brutal dynastic war, braving spies, mercenaries and a warlord with a taste for crucifixions to uncover the foreign conspiracy behind the bloodshed."

Am I trying to do too much in one sentence? Is it too vague? Uninteresting? Any comments welcome. Thanks!
« Last Edit: July 13, 2018, 05:04:44 PM by mafiaking1936 » Logged
jcwrites
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« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2018, 03:12:21 PM »


Am I trying to do too much in one sentence?


Hmmm... forty-one words, six prepositional phrases, five actors... lemme think about it.
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JBeachum
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« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2018, 04:32:21 PM »

Thanks to all for your feedback so far on my albatross of a book! Here's a pitch:

"An apostate temple sister leads a ragtag band of peasants in their guerrilla insurgency against both factions of a brutal dynastic war, braving spies, mercenaries and a warlord with a taste for crucifixions to uncover the foreign conspiracy behind the bloodshed."

Am I trying to do too much in one sentence? Is it too vague? Uninteresting? Any comments welcome. Thanks!

Maybe...

"An apostate sister [there's gotta be a better word for this; cleric, maybe?) leads an insurgency against both sides of a brutal war to uncover the foreign conspiracy behind the bloodshed."
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mafiaking1936
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« Reply #3 on: April 11, 2018, 12:13:00 PM »

Okay, okay. You think that's bad you should see the first draft. Guess I'm doomed to ever overestimate the number of concepts those precious gate-keepers can hold in their pretty little heads at one time. The whole conspiracy thing really only takes off halfway through the book so maybe I can leave that part out. But then what's left seems kind of generic, at least to me. I really don't want to use the word cleric since to me that implies some measure of power, when she's really a young novice nun. Like, imagine if Maria from the Sound of Music instead of singing joined the Ingluorious Basterds. That kind of thing.
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JBeachum
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« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2018, 01:03:39 PM »

Okay, okay. You think that's bad you should see the first draft. Guess I'm doomed to ever overestimate the number of concepts those precious gate-keepers can hold in their pretty little heads at one time. The whole conspiracy thing really only takes off halfway through the book so maybe I can leave that part out. But then what's left seems kind of generic, at least to me. I really don't want to use the word cleric since to me that implies some measure of power, when she's really a young novice nun. Like, imagine if Maria from the Sound of Music instead of singing joined the Ingluorious Basterds. That kind of thing.

I think apostate nun is pretty compelling, and clearer than sister.
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mafiaking1936
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« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2018, 02:00:31 PM »

Okay, okay. You think that's bad you should see the first draft. Guess I'm doomed to ever overestimate the number of concepts those precious gate-keepers can hold in their pretty little heads at one time. The whole conspiracy thing really only takes off halfway through the book so maybe I can leave that part out. But then what's left seems kind of generic, at least to me. I really don't want to use the word cleric since to me that implies some measure of power, when she's really a young novice nun. Like, imagine if Maria from the Sound of Music instead of singing joined the Ingluorious Basterds. That kind of thing.

I think apostate nun is pretty compelling, and clearer than sister.

Do you think nun would still apply even though it's for a fictional religion? Cause I could go with that provided it doesn't give the agent the wrong impression.
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mafiaking1936
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« Reply #6 on: July 13, 2018, 04:55:41 PM »

A few more shots:

"An apostate nun determined to save lives. A grieving father obsessed with revenge. Together they'll lead a peasant insurgency against warlords on both sides of a brutal dynastic struggle, and uncover the dark foreign conspiracy behind the bloodshed."

Or slightly alternative,

"She's determined to save lives. He's obsessed with revenge. Together they'll lead peasant insurgents against warlords and monarchs on both sides of a brutal dynastic struggle, and uncover the dark foreign conspiracy behind the bloodshed."

Or

"Alessia left the temple cloister to save lives. But when the peasants that follow her launch vengeful terrorist attacks against both sides of a brutal civil war, she'll risk the lives she's saved in a bid to bring it to an end."

Or

"Robin Hood's Merry Men meets the Fremen from Dune when fed-up peasants launch a "pox on both your houses" insurgency against both sides of a bloody civil war, led by an exiled nun and revenge-obsessed farmer."

Or

"Lowborn peasant guerrillas throw a wrench in a scheme by a foreign bank to prolong a bloody civil war when an exiled nun and a farmer obsessed with revenge join forces."

Or

Apostate (or: Disillusioned?) nun quits the cloister to heal wounded in a brutal dynastic war. She unwittingly finds herself leading vengeful peasant insurgents against both sides, risking those she's saved to expose the foreign conspiracy funding the bloodshed and bring it to an end.
« Last Edit: July 14, 2018, 04:18:41 AM by mafiaking1936 » Logged
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