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Author Topic: Pitch for The Heron Kings, adult fantasy  (Read 299 times)
mafiaking1936
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« on: April 09, 2018, 01:29:47 PM »

Thanks to all for your feedback so far on my albatross of a book! Here's a pitch:

"An apostate temple sister leads a ragtag band of peasants in their guerrilla insurgency against both factions of a brutal dynastic war, braving spies, mercenaries and a warlord with a taste for crucifixions to uncover the foreign conspiracy behind the bloodshed."

Am I trying to do too much in one sentence? Is it too vague? Uninteresting? Any comments welcome. Thanks!
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jcwrites
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« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2018, 03:12:21 PM »


Am I trying to do too much in one sentence?


Hmmm... forty-one words, six prepositional phrases, five actors... lemme think about it.
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JBeachum
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« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2018, 04:32:21 PM »

Thanks to all for your feedback so far on my albatross of a book! Here's a pitch:

"An apostate temple sister leads a ragtag band of peasants in their guerrilla insurgency against both factions of a brutal dynastic war, braving spies, mercenaries and a warlord with a taste for crucifixions to uncover the foreign conspiracy behind the bloodshed."

Am I trying to do too much in one sentence? Is it too vague? Uninteresting? Any comments welcome. Thanks!

Maybe...

"An apostate sister [there's gotta be a better word for this; cleric, maybe?) leads an insurgency against both sides of a brutal war to uncover the foreign conspiracy behind the bloodshed."
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mafiaking1936
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« Reply #3 on: April 11, 2018, 12:13:00 PM »

Okay, okay. You think that's bad you should see the first draft. Guess I'm doomed to ever overestimate the number of concepts those precious gate-keepers can hold in their pretty little heads at one time. The whole conspiracy thing really only takes off halfway through the book so maybe I can leave that part out. But then what's left seems kind of generic, at least to me. I really don't want to use the word cleric since to me that implies some measure of power, when she's really a young novice nun. Like, imagine if Maria from the Sound of Music instead of singing joined the Ingluorious Basterds. That kind of thing.
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JBeachum
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« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2018, 01:03:39 PM »

Okay, okay. You think that's bad you should see the first draft. Guess I'm doomed to ever overestimate the number of concepts those precious gate-keepers can hold in their pretty little heads at one time. The whole conspiracy thing really only takes off halfway through the book so maybe I can leave that part out. But then what's left seems kind of generic, at least to me. I really don't want to use the word cleric since to me that implies some measure of power, when she's really a young novice nun. Like, imagine if Maria from the Sound of Music instead of singing joined the Ingluorious Basterds. That kind of thing.

I think apostate nun is pretty compelling, and clearer than sister.
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mafiaking1936
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« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2018, 02:00:31 PM »

Okay, okay. You think that's bad you should see the first draft. Guess I'm doomed to ever overestimate the number of concepts those precious gate-keepers can hold in their pretty little heads at one time. The whole conspiracy thing really only takes off halfway through the book so maybe I can leave that part out. But then what's left seems kind of generic, at least to me. I really don't want to use the word cleric since to me that implies some measure of power, when she's really a young novice nun. Like, imagine if Maria from the Sound of Music instead of singing joined the Ingluorious Basterds. That kind of thing.

I think apostate nun is pretty compelling, and clearer than sister.

Do you think nun would still apply even though it's for a fictional religion? Cause I could go with that provided it doesn't give the agent the wrong impression.
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