QueryTracker Community
May 20, 2018, 08:31:41 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News:
 
   Home   Help Search Login Register  
Note: This forum uses different usernames and passwords than those of the main QueryTracker site. 
Please register if you want to post messages.

This forum is also accessible by the public (including search engines).
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: YA dystopia [THE GIVER meets I, ROBOT meets 1984]  (Read 283 times)
BrandieReadsBooks
Newbie
*

Karma: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 8



« on: April 12, 2018, 02:48:09 PM »

I wake with the phantom flavor of spinal fluid in my mouth.
    My tongue wiggles around like a sightless worm, as if that will get rid of the taste. The next sensation is the one that tells me where I am and why I’m here: a sharp pain in my lower back. I roll onto my stomach and make a sound like a dying animal, tears springing to my eyes. I can’t remember anything except screaming and my spine cracking like a glow stick.
    I sit up and look around, images flashing back to me now. The gray-haired oldie in her wheeled chair; the way her spine was curved like a shepherd’s hook; the warble in her voice when we discussed payment. I press my hands to my back, but the area is still too tender to touch. She wasn’t kidding when she said her pain was a seven out of ten. Not as bad as childbirth but worse than a cleanly broken bone. I grab the nearest edge of furniture and slowly pull myself into a standing position, breathing in deep through my nose and exhaling through my mouth. Focusing on this, I stand here for some measure of time, holding onto a chest of drawers for support, waiting for the initial shock to subside. I go to take a step and pain shoots down my spine. If my legs weren’t metal I know I’d feel it all the way down to the soles of my feet like a zap of electricity. A fresh of wave of tears hits me anyway just as there’s a soft rap on the door.


Any comments/critiques are welcome! Thanks.
Logged
TigerAsh
Sr. Member
****

Karma: 26
Offline Offline

Posts: 196



« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2018, 07:16:03 PM »

I wake with the phantom flavor of spinal fluid in my mouth. [I really like this opening sentence, except for the word "phantom", which throws me off. How can it be "phantom" if she tastes it? I would just leave the word out all together.]
    My tongue wiggles around like a sightless worm, as if that will get rid of the taste. The next sensation is the one that tells me where I am and why I’m here: a A sharp pain in my lower back tells me where I am and why I'm here. I roll onto my stomach and make a sound like a dying animal, tears springing to my eyes. I can’t remember anything except screaming and my spine cracking like a glow stick. [Love this!]
    I sit up and look around, images flashing back to me now. The gray-haired oldie in her wheeled chair; the way her spine was curved like a shepherd’s hook; the warble in her voice when we discussed payment. I press my hands to my back, but the area is still too tender to touch. She wasn’t kidding when she said her pain was a seven out of ten. Not as bad as childbirth but worse than a cleanly broken bone. I grab the nearest edge of furniture and slowly pull myself into a standing position, breathing in deep through my nose and exhaling through my mouth. Focusing on this, I stand here for some measure of time, holding onto a chest of drawers for support, waiting for the initial shock to subside. I go to take a step and pain shoots down my spine. If my legs weren’t metal I know I’d feel it all the way down to the soles of my feet like a zap of electricity. A fresh of wave of tears hits me anyway just as there’s a soft rap on the door.


Any comments/critiques are welcome! Thanks.


I enjoyed reading this opening! It kept my attention, and I like your writing style.

In addition to comments/edits I suggested above, I wish that I felt a bit more grounded in the setting. All we know is that your main character is in a room with furniture, which could be anywhere. "The gray-haired oldie in her wheeled chair" made me guess she was in a hospital or a nursing home, but I wasn't sure. So maybe a brief mention of where she is, or maybe a more obvious clue for readers to pick up on would help.


Hope my comments help. Good luck! Smiley


Logged
scarlett25oh
Sr. Member
****

Karma: 26
Offline Offline

Posts: 139


« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2018, 05:13:28 PM »

 I just wanted to add that I enjoyed this a lot and I agree with the previous poster's remarks. Smiley
Logged
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.2 | SMF © 2006-2007, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!