QueryTracker Community
September 25, 2018, 01:49:24 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News:
 
   Home   Help Search Login Register  
Note: This forum uses different usernames and passwords than those of the main QueryTracker site. 
Please register if you want to post messages.

This forum is also accessible by the public (including search engines).
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Young Adult Supernatural Suspense  (Read 229 times)
dtpierce
Newbie
*

Karma: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 1


« on: May 16, 2018, 09:08:43 PM »

Thank you for looking at my query. I appreciate any and all feedback. This is my 3rd revision, based upon what has been suggested in the past.


Dear Mr./Ms. ______:

A psychologically tormented high school student and a disgraced FBI agent are brought together through the actions of a serial killer.

Jacoby Talavan is a 16-year-old, emotionally conflicted high school student who helplessly watched as a merciless cancer consumed his mother years ago. When an eerie dog—from a bizarre experience in his past—manifests into an unnatural beast, Jacoby’s mind unravels as dream and reality blend into a horrific nightmare only he can see. After several, violent outbursts, he’s sent to an arrogant psychiatrist who believes the beast is a projection of unearthed feelings towards his mother’s death.

Susan, a young and self-destructive FBI agent, has spent most of her life attempting to flee from an unnatural ability to sense evil and a reluctant draw towards the worst of humanity. But something within her won’t let go, and she’s put on leave after becoming obsessed with a theory that links dozens of murders to a single serial killer. Unable to drop the investigation, she embarks upon a cross-country hunt for the man responsible.

As Susan races to discover the identity of the killer, the next victim is marked: a girl who Jacoby has fallen in love with. In order to save her life and end the spree of murders, Jacoby must discover the beast’s true purpose before he and Susan face-off against a man more evil than human; someone Jacoby knows.

Beautiful Torments is a 66,000-word young adult, paranormal suspense novel told from a dual POV. It will appeal to fans of Tess Gerritsen’s The Mephisto Club and Alice Sebold’s The Lovely Bones.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to your response.

Best,
Logged
Pineapplejuice
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 57
Offline Offline

Posts: 287



« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2018, 03:17:20 AM »


A psychologically tormented high school student and a disgraced FBI agent are brought together through the actions of a serial killer. This can be subjective, but this logline killed the interest for me.

Jacoby Talavan is a 16-year-old, emotionally conflicted high school student ( it's obvious he'd be a high school student, at 16, only worth mentioning what he is at 16 if he isn't a high school student imho, emotionally conflicted sounds redundant, as a teen it goes without saying and then with Mother dying it's obvious as well. Worth removing or agent may think your book is full of unnecessary writing ) who helplessly watched as a merciless cancer consumed his mother years ago. When an eerie dog—from a bizarre experience in his past—manifests into an unnatural beast ( this is confusing ) , Jacoby’s mind unravels as dream and reality blend into a horrific nightmare only he can see. After several, violent outbursts, he’s sent to an arrogant ( why is he arrogant? Maybe just cross out ) psychiatrist who believes the beast is a projection of unearthed feelings towards his mother’s death.

( I agree with Mooky from other post here, Feels an abrupt POV jump ) Susan, a young and self-destructive FBI agent, has spent most of her life attempting to flee ( it looks contradictory, as she isn't fleeing from evil, didn't take up a job as a librarian or baker etc ) from an unnatural ability to sense evil and a reluctant draw towards the worst of humanity. But something within her won’t let go, and she’s put on leave after becoming obsessed with a theory that links dozens of murders to a single serial killer. Unable to drop the investigation, she embarks upon a cross-country hunt for the man responsible.

As Susan races to discover the identity ( we already know she's doing this as previous sentence says so ) of the killer, the next victim is marked: a girl who Jacoby has fallen in love with. In order to save her life and end the spree of murders, Jacoby must discover the beast’s true purpose ( given the start of the sentence, it sounds like Jacoby already knows the Beasts purpose. To kill his crush and continue a murder spree ) before he and Susan face-off against a man more evil than human ( this terminology threw me a bit. Had to read  times to figure out you meant it was a human who was evil, not a monster that is more evil than a human being ) ; someone Jacoby knows. ( if it's the pchycaitrist I'm not sure whether you should say so. If it is the Dr, and the agent guesses, that's good, but if they don't it falls a bit flat. )


Sounds interesting.  Smiley Query just felt a little telly

REWRITE EXAMPLE: Please note last paragraph probably not accurate to your story as i guessed. But it's just to show how you might create more balance with the POV shifts, by weaving it all together. The information feels a bit compartmentalized and due to pov shift, loses momentum and bigness, as out attachment is split   'Arrogant' could work, just feels like it needs a reason

16  year old Jacoby Talavan watched helplessly as a merciless cancer consumed his mother years ago. When an eerie dog from a dream manifests in his everyday life, Jacoby’s mind unravels as dream and reality blend into a horrific nightmare. After several, violent outbursts, he’s sent to a psychiatrist who believes the beast is a projection of unearthed feelings stemming from his mother’s death.

Jacoby is about to cross paths with Susan, a young and self-destructive FBI agent, who has an unnatural ability to sense evil and is drawn towards the worst of humanity. She’s put on leave after becoming obsessed with a theory that links dozens of murders to a single serial killer. Unable to drop the investigation, she embarks upon a cross-country hunt for the man responsible.

Jacoby meets Susan when  ---- and they discover the killers next victim is marked: a girl who Jacoby has fallen in love with. As they delve further into the history of the serial killer, Jacoby realises the monstrous dog was a projection after all, but it's not created from his greif, it's representing the inner life of someone Susan would never suspect; someone Jacoby knows.

« Last Edit: May 17, 2018, 04:19:55 AM by Pineapplejuice » Logged
mgmystery
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 195
Offline Offline

Posts: 910


« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2018, 12:59:53 PM »

For the most part, I'm loving this new version! I really like dual POV in a query to echo the book if you can make it work.

I agree with Pineapplejuice about losing the logline--I just think it give too much away in your case.
The first paragraph (where the dog comes in) was less clear in this one, but I like PJ's rewrite for that too. (As far as "arrogant psychiatrist" goes, I assumed it was Jacoby's opinion which works for me.)

I love the new details in the final paragraph, but I think it would have more impact if you go about it a little differently:
Susan's race to discover the killer's identity brings her to Jacoby's high school. If her hunch is correct, the next victim is Jacoby's new love. (I think you might need something here about how Susan asks for Jacoby's help) In order to save her life and end the spree of murders, Jacoby must discover the beast’s true purpose before he and Susan face-off against a man more evil than human; someone Jacoby knows. (I like knowing it's someone from Jacoby's life/past, but this seems a little blunt. I wouldn't say who it is, but maybe give a hint to how involved the person really is in Jacoby's life?)

Logged
MookyMcD
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 451
Offline Offline

Posts: 2398


"hilarious and offensive and usually accurate"


WWW
« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2018, 11:35:33 PM »

I agree this is a great improvement. I also agree that the log line doesn't work as a log line, although that's because the concept is in the wrong place, not because you need to throw out the concept. I think you should try making that concept the bridge between what would become your first and second paragraphs. I have no idea whether it would work best added to the end of the first or the beginning of the second, but you've got some words to spare here so a sentence explaining how/when their paths cross in one of those places, filling in the backstory on the FBI agent as backstory after, seems like it should work.

A personal request -- if you're going to post it as a new query, please lock down the old thread so people don't invest time reviewing and commenting on a query you've already moved forward from. Or you can just post revisions in the same thread as the old query (which IMO is the way to go, because people may come in after the fact and say "this thing you did in the third revision really worked for me" and be right). If you go the latter route, edit your old queries to say there's a new one below.

Nice work, though, you made some serious progress on this query.
Logged

I put the nati in Illuminati
michaeljmcdonagh.wordpress.com
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.2 | SMF © 2006-2007, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!