QueryTracker Community
September 21, 2018, 11:55:13 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News:
 
   Home   Help Search Login Register  
Note: This forum uses different usernames and passwords than those of the main QueryTracker site. 
Please register if you want to post messages.

This forum is also accessible by the public (including search engines).
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Openings from Short Stories  (Read 1080 times)
OkwuNanya01
Jr. Member
**

Karma: 5
Offline Offline

Posts: 33


To be quite honest with you: books are life!


« on: June 25, 2018, 06:48:03 PM »

These are the openings from my two short stories. Tell me what you think about them. Enjoy!
---------------------------------------------
Hollywood Hell:

-You know, my life could have been better. I could've gone to college or taken a gap year and traveled the world. Or I could've accomplished my biggest dream since I was 5: become a world-famous actress. I could've been in my first debut movie and become a big star instantly. I could've had big-time directors and producers come to me on their knees, begging me to be in their movies. I could've had millions of fans crying over, asking for autographs and screaming how much they love me. I could've had a grand mansion with a giant garden and beautiful foreign car sitting in my driveway. I could've had it all.

My mom just...had to die. It was a terrible death, to be honest with you.



The Incarceration of Ingrid:

-The first time I tried heroin it was absolutely disgusting. E, who was a drug dealer/maker, had said, for my first time with it, the best way to take it was to snort it. Now I know that was a complete utter lie.

"Oh my gosh!" I screamed. My hands shot to my nose to pinch it as the burning sensation of the drug kicked in and dispersed throughout my face.

"What's wrong?" E said with concern as he turned away from the pot he was stirring. It bubbled and popped under the heat of the blue, medium fire. It was the only sound around except chirping of birds on the roof, which usually got on my nerves when I'm taking a hit, but fortunately for them, I'm too busy about what this heroin is doing to me.


« Last Edit: June 25, 2018, 06:50:34 PM by OkwuNanya01 » Logged

From your lovely writing friend,

Okwu N'anya
TigerAsh
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 33
Offline Offline

Posts: 233



« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2018, 08:49:33 AM »

These are the openings from my two short stories. Tell me what you think about them. Enjoy!
---------------------------------------------
Hollywood Hell:

-You know, my life could have been better. I could've gone to college or taken a gap year and traveled the world. Or I could've accomplished my biggest dream since I was 5 five: become a world-famous actress. I could've been in my first debut movie and become a big star instantly. I could've had big-time directors and producers come to me on their knees, begging me to be in their movies. I could've had millions of fans crying over, asking for autographs and screaming how much they love me. I could've had a grand mansion with a giant garden and beautiful foreign car sitting in my driveway. I could've had it all.

My mom just...had to die. It was a terrible death, to be honest with you.


I see what you're trying to do here, but I think the "I could've"s go on for a little too long. Overall, it's not bad, but I personally didn't feel a connection to this.






The Incarceration of Ingrid:

-The first time I tried heroin it was absolutely disgusting. E, who was a drug dealer/maker, had said, for my first time with it, the best way to take it was to snort it. Now I know that was a complete utter lie.

"Oh my gosh!" I screamed. My hands shot to my nose to pinch it as the burning sensation of the drug kicked in and dispersed throughout my face.

"What's wrong?" E said with concern as he turned away from the pot he was stirring. It bubbled and popped under the heat of the blue, medium fire. It was the only sound around except chirping of birds on the roof, which usually got on my nerves when I'm taking a hit, but fortunately for them, I'm too busy about what this heroin is doing to me.


That last sentence is too long, and I think your wording/sentence structure could be better. But I like this opening more than the first one.



Sorry I don't have better comments, but I see the potential here.
Logged
OkwuNanya01
Jr. Member
**

Karma: 5
Offline Offline

Posts: 33


To be quite honest with you: books are life!


« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2018, 02:37:19 PM »

These are the openings from my two short stories. Tell me what you think about them. Enjoy!
---------------------------------------------
Hollywood Hell:

-You know, my life could have been better. I could've gone to college or taken a gap year and traveled the world. Or I could've accomplished my biggest dream since I was 5 five: become a world-famous actress. I could've been in my first debut movie and become a big star instantly. I could've had big-time directors and producers come to me on their knees, begging me to be in their movies. I could've had millions of fans crying over, asking for autographs and screaming how much they love me. I could've had a grand mansion with a giant garden and beautiful foreign car sitting in my driveway. I could've had it all.

My mom just...had to die. It was a terrible death, to be honest with you.


I see what you're trying to do here, but I think the "I could've"s go on for a little too long. Overall, it's not bad, but I personally didn't feel a connection to this.






The Incarceration of Ingrid:

-The first time I tried heroin it was absolutely disgusting. E, who was a drug dealer/maker, had said, for my first time with it, the best way to take it was to snort it. Now I know that was a complete utter lie.

"Oh my gosh!" I screamed. My hands shot to my nose to pinch it as the burning sensation of the drug kicked in and dispersed throughout my face.

"What's wrong?" E said with concern as he turned away from the pot he was stirring. It bubbled and popped under the heat of the blue, medium fire. It was the only sound around except chirping of birds on the roof, which usually got on my nerves when I'm taking a hit, but fortunately for them, I'm too busy about what this heroin is doing to me.


That last sentence is too long, and I think your wording/sentence structure could be better. But I like this opening more than the first one.



Sorry I don't have better comments, but I see the potential here.



It's okay. Thank you for responding!
Logged

From your lovely writing friend,

Okwu N'anya
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.2 | SMF © 2006-2007, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!