QueryTracker Community
May 21, 2019, 01:57:34 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News:
 
   Home   Help Search Login Register  
Note: This forum uses different usernames and passwords than those of the main QueryTracker site. 
Please register if you want to post messages.

This forum is also accessible by the public (including search engines).
Pages: 1 [2]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Query for NOT A WITCH (literary/magic realism)  (Read 2248 times)
mgmystery
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 199
Offline Offline

Posts: 908


« Reply #15 on: July 20, 2018, 07:43:45 AM »

I definitely like Blues83's idea for the witch sentence. Even if you play with the wording, the structure really helps with clarity.

If you mention Shakti in the "finding her feet in Berlin" sentence, we get an immediate sense of how important she is. Also maybe finally being accepted in this relationship is a factor?

The stakes are still getting me, but maybe it's just me. It seems selfish of Jennifer to even consider her feelings about facing her past would be more important than keeping someone she loves from deportation (and probably prison for abandoning her post). Maybe she was abused in the past and you could say something more like "the last time she made herself so vulnerable, it nearly cost her her life."












Logged
Sabreur
Full Member
***

Karma: 11
Offline Offline

Posts: 51


« Reply #16 on: July 20, 2018, 07:48:56 AM »

I think this last version works quite well, but the second paragraph still troubles me a little. Given that she works in a brothel, I had to assume these were sexual fantasies of some kind; the first image would work, but then she’s doing something with her boss, not a client, and he wants to be Godzilla. It doesn’t work for me in the context of the brothel, and makes me stop to rethink what I believe is going on. I want to be pulled forward to the next line, not taken back to the beginning.

Just me, of course. It sounds like a great story: best of luck!
Logged
Jaaane
Newbie
*

Karma: 1
Offline Offline

Posts: 17


« Reply #17 on: July 21, 2018, 05:03:51 AM »

Thanks all! I'm going to take a break and rethink this, because in trying to make it commercial-level stakes, I'm actually shifting from the plot of the novel, and I think that is a big problem. For example, the actual threat the book focuses on IS the brothel being closed down (= people with no other options for work losing their jobs), not really deportation. If an agent doesn't think that sounds like a big enough problem, they're not going to like the book anyway. Same if they have a negative view of sex work in general. Also she's not in a relationship with Shakti—they slept together once (also Shakti is also a woman—I thought that should be clear but maybe not to everyone! As is her boss.) They do get together at the end of the book, but it's definitely not a "this relationship is the one good thing in my life'.

Your comments have given me much to think about, so thank you!
Logged
Blues83
Newbie
*

Karma: 4
Offline Offline

Posts: 24


« Reply #18 on: July 21, 2018, 07:24:10 AM »

Thanks all! I'm going to take a break and rethink this, because in trying to make it commercial-level stakes, I'm actually shifting from the plot of the novel, and I think that is a big problem. For example, the actual threat the book focuses on IS the brothel being closed down (= people with no other options for work losing their jobs), not really deportation. If an agent doesn't think that sounds like a big enough problem, they're not going to like the book anyway. Same if they have a negative view of sex work in general. Also she's not in a relationship with Shakti—they slept together once (also Shakti is also a woman—I thought that should be clear but maybe not to everyone! As is her boss.) They do get together at the end of the book, but it's definitely not a "this relationship is the one good thing in my life'.

Your comments have given me much to think about, so thank you!

 In that case I would consider not mentioning the deportation at all, because the way it was phrased, that seemed to be the most personal (and thus most important) stakes for the main character.  I might also avoid using the term “lover” to refer to Shakti, it definitely denotes an ongoing relationship.

Logged
Adw
Full Member
***

Karma: 5
Offline Offline

Posts: 50


« Reply #19 on: July 21, 2018, 10:45:51 AM »

I really love the intrigue and mystery of this query, but perhaps it is too much like a back book blurb? Enticing for me the reader, but not enough for an agent?  Perhaps if you wrote a version laying all the cards out (too many cards) you could scale and edit it back for just the most pertinent info. That way their won't be any question of clarity.

sounds like a great read! good luck!

Logged
mgmystery
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 199
Offline Offline

Posts: 908


« Reply #20 on: July 23, 2018, 07:22:18 AM »

Maybe if Shakti isn't a big part of Jennifer's life from the beginning, she doesn't need to be mentioned. Your stakes could be the damage Jennifer faces by rescuing Lundy vs. being the reason ALL of her coworkers will end up unemployed. The stakes are high enough. It's just a matter of making them clear so the query doesn't seem like a bait & switch.
Logged
Pages: 1 [2]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.2 | SMF © 2006-2007, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!