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Author Topic: THE KNOTTED GUN  (Read 170 times)
Zooks
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« on: October 13, 2018, 08:39:01 PM »

I'd appreciate your helpful comments. Thanks in advance.

Dear AGENT:

Arnetta Wilcox is a 20-year correctional officer at Riker’s Island barge and, unwilling to go home to her crazy roommate, LaShonda Williams, works overtime and escapes into detective novels until she suffers a serious abdominal wound in a prison riot and is forced into early retirement.

Desperate to avoid her violent roommate, Arnetta secretly arranges for the purchase of a tiny house to be put on a small parcel of land she’d bought just north of the city. Recuperating from her surgery, Arnetta is haunted by the fear of LaShonda showing up with her trusty straight razor. While familiarizing herself with her new neighborhood, Arnetta stumbles upon a murder but is only able to wing the murderer with her service revolver. She escapes and reports the crime to the police.

Arnetta and the police are unaware that the man she wounded and is now on the loose is responsible for shutting down Manhattan with unmanned cars blocking major intersections at morning rush hour, and has forced an elementary school under lock down, holding all 600 students, teachers and staff prisoner, and the POTUS is ordered to stand at The Knotted Gun sculpture at the UN until further notice. Arnetta wonders who will get her first, LaShonda or this madman.

[my credits]

THE KNOTTED GUN at 29,000 words, is a contemporary crime novella.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
 




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Pineapplejuice
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« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2018, 03:13:18 AM »

I'd appreciate your helpful comments. Thanks in advance.

Dear AGENT:

Arnetta Wilcox is a 20-year correctional officer at Riker’s Island barge and, unwilling to go home to her crazy roommate, LaShonda Williams, works overtime and escapes into detective novels until she suffers a serious abdominal wound in a prison riot and is forced into early retirement. ( This is way too much for one sentence. Also the information feels wordy I'm also wondering why she has to share when she's got a well paying job, and why she has to share with someone she doesn't like?  I don't think there's time to answer all that so I think maybe skip the bits and get straight to the hook - she gets shot and then say a bit about her home life. )



Desperate to avoid her violent roommate, Arnetta secretly arranges for the purchase of a tiny house to be put on a small parcel of land she’d bought (irrelevant and bogs down rhythm , to me ) just north of the city, while she recuperates. Recuperating from her surgery, Arnetta is haunted by the fear of LaShonda showing up with her trusty straight razor. ( This really needs explaining. Why did she not move out of the sharehouse situation until now? I'm guessing LaShonda was violent? I don't understand why a correctional officer would live with a criminal? Or is this a humorous aspect? ) While familiarizing herself with her new neighborhood, Arnetta stumbles upon a murder but is only able to wing the murderer with her service revolver. She escapes and reports the crime to the police.

Arnetta and the police are unaware that the man Arnetta she wounded and is now on the loose is responsible for shutting down Manhattan ( full stop ) with unmanned cars blocking

Here the sentence-length thing is really bad.

major intersections at morning rush hour, and has forced an elementary school under into lock down, ( full stop )  holding Aall 600 students, teachers and staff are being held prisoner ( Full stop ), and the POTUS ( what is that? ) is ordered to stand at The Knotted Gun sculpture at the UN until further notice. Arnetta wonders who will get her first, ( I don't understand what this paragraph has to do with Arnetta. I got lost. Maybe mention how all the incidents relate to Arnetta's situation. LaShonda or this madman.

[my credits]

THE KNOTTED GUN at 29,000 words, is a contemporary crime novella.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
 





« Last Edit: October 14, 2018, 03:15:11 AM by Pineapplejuice » Logged
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