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Author Topic: TOUCH - Contemporary YA  (Read 603 times)
jessupcounty
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« on: October 24, 2018, 10:26:17 AM »



Note: There are passages from a book the main character is reading that is supposed to be denoted by a different font that doesn't carry over, so I underlined instead.








“The two most important days of your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”
                                                          ~ Mark Twain















We all thought we knew the reason Dad decided to move. Dad probably did, too.








CHAPTER 1



     Waterfalls. One more thing to add to the list of stuff I may never experience again.
     Clair’s pool, lying on a towel in the sun with her.
     The ocean. Burying my toes in the sand at the beach.
     Not that any of it had happened anytime recently, but it would’ve again eventually. I’d hoped.
     The summer exploration program at the college. Months of just trying to get Dad to look into it and he’d finally signed me up.
     Breathe… There wasn’t much point in thinking about it anymore. Eighteen hundred miles down, only a few to go.
     I scraped at the last flakes of purple on my nails, the squeaking of the windshield wipers about to do in my attempt to read in the dark cab of the U-Haul.
     One Thousand Reasons.
     Clair’s mother, Mom’s best friend, gave it to me just before we left in an effort to help me understand why things kept happening the way they did. She, somehow, still believed that everything happened for a reason.
     Our worst moments are often our most defining.
     A dead mother, a barely-there father, an almost complete lack of friends. I could identify with that.
     Josh led up ahead in Dad’s car. Bobby followed in the one the two of them shared. Still over a year away from getting my license, I got the passenger seat in the cab of the truck with Dad.
     Almost a decade and a half of memories was now just that. Memories. Though there hadn’t been many good ones the past few years.
     No one said it would be easy, Dad had said. I didn’t ask for easy, just manageable. I felt like I’d treaded water in an ocean without shores for too long and the buoy that finally came into sight was ripped away—like God said psych.
     Hardships develop our strengths. We don’t truly know ourselves, or our potential, until we’ve been tested.
     If there really was a bigger picture, I was definitely being tested.
     “In one mile, turn right,” the automated voice of the GPS said.
     The road was dark, desolate. A grim sign of what was to come.
     God doesn’t—
     Tires screeched. A deer glowed in Josh’s high beams.
     It leapt out of the way, but Bobby missed the beat. He plowed into Josh with a bang.
     My book flew from my lap as Dad slammed on the brakes, and the seatbelt bit into my chest.
     Bobby fishtailed.
     The smell of burnt rubber blitzed my nose as I gripped the seat and the over head handle bar. Bobby’s brake lights disappeared as his back end went off the road into a ditch.
     No, no, no, no. Tires hollering, we slid toward him. Oh, God, no. I squeezed my eyes shut. I’d deny relation if I could but didn’t want him to die.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
     My head whipped forward as we jarred to a stop.
     Bobby shone in our headlights. Holy Christ. Fifteen more feet and we would’ve hit him, smack dab in the middle of his driver’s side door.
     Steam billowed from his hood.
     “God dammit!” Dad’s knuckles were white around the steering wheel. “Are you okay?” He looked to me.
     Josh, farther up, was sideways on the road.
     I nodded, and Dad heaved open his door and lunged from the truck.
     Ducking from the drizzle, he made a beeline for Bobby. He must’ve seen he was okay, he raised a finger to him to wait and rushed to his own car that Josh drove. He ripped the driver’s side door open and invaded the space between Josh and the steering wheel.
     Dear God, please. Not again.
     Dad’s mouth moved as if talking.
     He lifted out of the car and his hands went to his hips as he inhaled a chest-expanding breath.
     I let out the one I was holding and reached for my door handle. I dropped to the ground from the high seat as Bobby also got out.
     Josh got out of Dad’s car as we converged on him.
     “What the hell was that?” Bobby’s eyes bulged.
     “Did you not see the deer?” Josh shouted.
     “So you had to jack up on your friggin’ brakes?”
     Josh shook. “Are you okay?” I needed to make sure.
     He sucked in a breath and nodded.
     “Friggin’ idiot,” Bobby said.
     Seriously? “Were you even paying attention?” I asked Bobby. Despite my loathing for him—as well the fact he’d only had his license a few months—I couldn’t deny that he was actually a pretty good driver. There’d been plenty of space between them. He should’ve had enough to time to stop.
     “Shut your hole, Meg. Go get back in the truck.”
     “Enough,” Dad said, probably just grateful we didn’t hit either of them.
     I turned to the boys’ car. There wasn’t any damage to the frame, but steam still forced its way through the seams of the hood and green fluid trickled onto the ground from underneath it.
     Dad stood with his hands on his hips again as he surveyed the damage.
     “What the hell are we gonna do now?” Bobby asked.
     Dad lifted a palm to fend him off. “Bob, just relax a minute.”
     “I’m sorry, Dad,” Josh apologized. “I really didn’t mean—”
     “It was a natural response, Josh. It’s not your fault.”
     “Like hell, it’s not,” Bobby said. “Thanks to him, now we’re out our friggin’ ride. Idiot.”
     “Robert…” Dad took in a breath. “Why don’t you go wait in the truck.”
     “Fine by me.” He started walking.
     “Megan, go with him,” he said to me a little softer. “There’s no point in you standing out here in the rain.”
     It was dark and late and I was already glazed from the mist, if I stood there any longer it would soak in. So I, too, turned back for the U-Haul that carried our entire existence.
     Bobby stole my seat, so I hoisted up and in from the driver’s side and took up position next to him in the middle.
     “It could’ve been worse,” I said, pulling my sweatshirt from the floor and draping it over me. “At least no one got hurt.” We certainly knew something about that.
     “Yeah. Good thing.”
     Such a jerk.
     As Bobby, in his royal blue t-shirt a size too big and his dusky hair barely damp, reached for the knob for the heat, Dad, with Josh quivering from the cold next to him, pulled out his cell phone.
     “Do you really think Dad’s not gonna smell you?” I asked as I scraped my own soggy mess to the back of my head. He reeked of pot, and if Dad hadn’t already, he surely would.
     “Drink bleach, Meg.”
     “It wasn’t his fault, you know.” I secured my skimpy ponytail with the elastic from my wrist.
     “Oh, it’s wasn’t? It was necessary for him to almost kill his entire family over a friggin’ animal? Oh, I’m sorry. What’s left of his family?”
     He really made my head spin. “It’s called compassion,” I said. “Maybe you could try having a little. Besides, it was apparently just as necessary for you to get high.”
     “Shut up.”
     “So, what, were you taking a hit, not paying attention?”
     Bobby shook his head at the windshield with the same disgruntled squint of his eyes. “Seriously, Meg, shut the f**k up.”
     “I’m not gonna shut up. You ruined my life.” Josh, the non-guilty party, still stood outside, drops forming on the ends of his hair.
     Bobby gasped. “I ruined your life? What life? And get it straight. I’m not the reason we’re here. We’re here because Dad was sick of finding dead kids.”
     “Yeah, and he didn’t want you being one of them. Do you not get that?”
     He huffed.
     Dad finished his call and stepped over to the car in the ditch, its front wheels on the pavement, rear wheels off the road at a forty-five-degree angle. He opened the driver’s side door and leaned in, his arm going directly under the seat.
     He apparently didn’t find what he looked for, so he got in and reached for the glove box.
     He emerged and started for the truck.
     Bobby didn’t react.
     Dad’s contentment from minutes before as we crossed the line into the county decayed, and the gauzy skin of his face showed deep lines of disgust as he pulled open the door and lifted a half-smoked joint and full baggy of marijuana into view.
     Bobby’s thin blue irises remained forward.
     “We’re not there yet, Bob.” Dad was composed, but it was clear he struggled. “I meant what I said. You have seven more miles to wash yourself of this. Going from big-city commissioner to small-town chief, I’m going from never around to always around. I assure you I am not someone you want to be stuck in the house with.”
     Bobby’s view stayed fastened out the windshield.
     “Get out of the truck,” Dad said. “You wait in the rain.”
« Last Edit: October 24, 2018, 10:32:27 AM by jessupcounty » Logged

Rebecca Miller
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amyina68
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« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2018, 10:49:16 AM »

Nice work! The only snag was (for me) understanding that Josh was driving in front of the U-Haul. Maybe make it more clear. Other than that, I love it.
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Pineapplejuice
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« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2018, 07:49:31 AM »



Note: There are passages from a book the main character is reading that is supposed to be denoted by a different font that doesn't carry over, so I underlined instead.

“The two most important days of your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”
                                                          ~ Mark Twain

We all thought we knew the reason Dad decided to move. Dad probably did, too.

It's not standard to include quotes in a MS sample, and also  not standard to use different fonts. I think an agent would find this offputting. They don't even like font difference in queries. Just standard. The sentence about the dad is ok, but don't space it out so much.

CHAPTER 1

     Waterfalls. One more thing to add to the list of stuff I may never experience again. ( If below is the list you are referring to you need a ' : ')
     Clair’s pool, lying on a towel in the sun with her.
     The ocean. Burying my toes in the sand at the beach.
     Not that any of it had happened anytime recently, but it would’ve again eventually. ( I'm confused here. Where are we now? I like the strong voice but it's already confusing in a tense sense which isn't good. )  I’d hoped.
     The summer exploration program at the college. Months of just trying to get Dad to look into it and he’d finally signed me up.
     Breathe… There wasn’t much point in thinking about it anymore. Eighteen hundred miles down, only a few to go.
     I scraped at the last flakes of purple on my nails, the squeaking of the windshield wipers about to do in my attempt to read in the dark cab of the U-Haul.
     One Thousand Reasons.  ( What is the one thousand reasons referring to? )
     Clair’s mother, Mom’s best friend, gave it ( gave what to her? )  to me just before we left in an effort to help me understand why things kept happening the way they did. She, somehow, still believed that everything happened for a reason.
     Our worst moments are often our most defining. ( I'm not sure why this is in italics. It's like you're over dramatizing the moment but we really just want to settle into the story )
     A dead mother, a barely-there father, an almost complete ( complete and almost don't work together as they mean something different ) lack of friends. I could identify with that. ( She can identify with it...what is the 'that' she refers to? I thought she was saying her mother was dead etc )
     Josh led up ahead in Dad’s car. Bobby followed in the one the two of them shared. Still over a year away from getting my license, I got the passenger seat in the cab of the truck with Dad. ( It would be helpful to place the MC in car earlier, imho )
     Almost a decade and a half of memories was now just that. Memories. Though there hadn’t been many good ones the past few years.
     No one said it would be easy, Dad had said. I didn’t ask for easy, just manageable. I felt like I’d treaded water in an ocean without shores for too long and the buoy that finally came into sight was ripped away—like God said psych. ( This is where I get tired of hearing MC pining but not allowing me as a reader to be in the 'now'. I think you're hitting the reader over the head with her mood and yet the reasons for her mood have been put confusingly, even though you do use vivid language at times. It's a bit of a shambles )
     Hardships develop our strengths. We don’t truly know ourselves, or our potential, until we’ve been tested.
     If there really was a bigger picture, I was definitely being tested.
     “In one mile, turn right,” the automated voice of the GPS said.
     The road was dark, desolate. A grim sign of what was to come.
     God doesn’t—
     Tires screeched. A deer glowed in Josh’s high beams. ( like the way you describe things but your sentences are too scant. We can't get a good well rounded picture to be in the moment here, and it's an important moment. I also need more description of MC being in the car, earlier, for this moment to feel grounded I think you put the voice of the MC first but the other aspects of writing have been neglected. )
     It leapt out of the way, ( limping into the woods? leaving a trail of blood. My hear was pounding etc Needs more )  but Bobby missed the beat. He plowed into Josh with a bang.
     My book flew from my lap ( she was holding a book? mention earlier ) as Dad slammed on the brakes, and the seatbelt bit into my chest.
     Bobby fishtailed.
     The smell of burnt rubber blitzed my nose as I gripped the seat and the over head handle bar. Bobby’s brake lights disappeared as his back end went off the road into a ditch.
     No, no, no, no. Tires hollering, we slid toward him. Oh, God, no. I squeezed my eyes shut. I’d deny relation if I could but didn’t want him to die.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
     My head whipped forward as we jarred to a stop.
     Bobby shone in our headlights. ( I thought the cars headlights dissapeared, the car bobby was in? Is Bobby now standing on the road? That was quick recovery if that was the case. I'm kinda confused right now. ) Holy Christ. Fifteen more feet and we would’ve hit him, smack dab in the middle of his driver’s side door.
     Steam billowed from his hood. ( The hood of Bobby's car, you mean? )
     “God dammit!” Dad’s knuckles were white around the steering wheel. “Are you okay?” He looked to me ( expression etc needed ).
     Josh, farther up, was sideways on the road.
     I nodded, and Dad heaved open his door and lunged from the truck.
     Ducking from the drizzle, ( it was raining? I couldn't see or hear this earlier? ) he made a beeline for Bobby. He must’ve seen he was okay, he raised a finger to him to wait and rushed to his own car that Josh drove. He ripped the driver’s side door open and invaded the space between Josh and the steering wheel.
     Dear God, please. Not again.
     Dad’s mouth moved as if talking.
     He ( the dad ?) lifted ( someone? or himself? ) out of the car ( because I thought dad already got out into the drizzle? ) and his hands went to his hips as he inhaled a chest-expanding breath.
     I let out the one I was holding and reached for my door handle. I dropped to the ground from the high seat as Bobby also got out.
     Josh got out of Dad’s car as we converged on him.
     “What the hell was that?” Bobby’s eyes bulged.
     “Did you not see the deer?” Josh shouted.
     “So you had to jack up on your friggin’ brakes?”
     Josh shook. “Are you okay?” I needed to make sure.
     He sucked in a breath and nodded.
     “Friggin’ idiot,” Bobby said. So many characters here and no bits and pieces of body language, expressions, thoughts from MC or her own experience or observation. It's very bare and at the moment all the characters have no character, they are all just different names.
     Seriously? “Were you even paying attention?” I asked Bobby. Despite my loathing for him—as well the fact he’d only had his license a few months—I couldn’t deny that he was actually a pretty good driver. There’d been plenty of space between them. He should’ve had enough to time to stop.
     “Shut your hole, Meg. Go get back in the truck.” ( Blank space here and it needs something. )
     “Enough,” Dad said, probably just grateful we didn’t hit either of them.
     I turned to the boys’ car. There wasn’t any damage to the frame, but steam still forced its way through the seams of the hood and green fluid trickled onto the ground from underneath it. THIS is great description, you need to treat your whole MS with more of this medicine.
     Dad stood with his hands on his hips again as he surveyed the damage. ( this sentence good, but now I as a reader need to see what MC can see as SHE surveys the damage. it's all happening in a blank road place and I don't feel like I'm reading a book here )
     “What the hell are we gonna do now?” Bobby asked. ( wiping sweat/blood from his brow? grimacing at the shattered glass on the asphalt? Etc )
     Dad lifted a palm to fend him off. ( good! ) “Bob, just relax a minute.”
     “I’m sorry, Dad,” Josh apologized. “I really didn’t mean—”
     “It was a natural response, Josh. It’s not your fault.”
     “Like hell, it’s not,” Bobby said. “Thanks to him, now we’re out our friggin’ ride. Idiot.”
     “Robert…” Dad took in a breath. “Why don’t you go wait in the truck.”
     “Fine by me.” He started walking.
Too much dialogue in blank white room place. Like it could work but the dialogue isn't moving the story forward, just reiterating what you've already conveyed about their attitudes with dialogue and it's boring to read since there is nothing deepening the sense of character, setting or  experience of MC here )
     “Megan, go with him,” he said to me a little softer. “There’s no point in you standing out here in the rain.”
  
   It was dark and late and I was already glazed from the mist, if I stood there any longer it would soak in. ( 'dark and late' is a very basic description providing no images for us, also the effects of being glazed over fro the misty rain , are cold fingertips, numb nose, etc ) It would have been good for Megan to mention her clothes and face getting damp while she is standing there while they are having that conversation. We need to be transported into the story, with the five senses ) So I, too, turned back for the U-Haul that carried our entire existence.
     Bobby stole my seat, so I hoisted up and in from the driver’s side and took up position next to him in the middle.
     “It could’ve been worse,” I said, pulling my sweatshirt from the floor and draping it over me. “At least no one got hurt.” We certainly knew something about that.
     “Yeah. Good thing.” ( so here I"m really losing interest because you set up a Faux hook.)
     Such a jerk.
     As Bobby, in his royal blue t-shirt a size too big and his dusky hair barely damp, reached for the knob for the heat, Dad, with Josh quivering from the cold next to him, pulled out his cell phone.
     “Do you really think Dad’s not gonna smell you?” I asked as I scraped my own soggy mess to the back of my head. He reeked of pot, and if Dad hadn’t already, he surely would.
     “Drink bleach, Meg.”
     “It wasn’t his fault, you know.” I secured my skimpy ponytail with the elastic from my wrist.
     “Oh, it’s wasn’t? It was necessary for him to almost kill his entire family over a friggin’ animal? Oh, I’m sorry. What’s left of his family?”
     He really made my head spin. “It’s called compassion,” I said. “Maybe you could try having a little. Besides, it was apparently just as necessary for you to get high.”
     “Shut up.”
     “So, what, were you taking a hit, not paying attention?”
     Bobby shook his head at the windshield with the same disgruntled squint of his eyes. “Seriously, Meg, shut the f**k up.”
     “I’m not gonna shut up. You ruined my life.” Josh, the non-guilty party, still stood outside, drops forming on the ends of his hair.
     Bobby gasped. “I ruined your life? What life? And get it straight. I’m not the reason we’re here. We’re here because Dad was sick of finding dead kids.”
     “Yeah, and he didn’t want you being one of them. Do you not get that?”
     He huffed.
( this dialogue doesn't move the story forward. It's just making a scene where something looked like it was going to happen and didn't, drag on. )
     Dad finished his call and stepped over to the car in the ditch, its front wheels on the pavement, rear wheels off the road at a forty-five-degree angle. He opened the driver’s side door and leaned in, his arm going directly under the seat.
     He apparently didn’t find what he looked for, so he got in and reached for the glove box.
     He re- emerged and started for the truck.
     Bobby didn’t react. ( 'didn't react' isn't a description. I don't know what you're trying to tell me. Should he have reacted? Maybe I missed something )
     Dad’s contentment from minutes before as we crossed the line into the county decayed ( contentment doesn't really decay , I'd think of another adjective, 'had vanished' ) , and the gauzy skin ( the use of gauzy here makes me think you got thesaurus-happy like trigger happy. It's not an appropriate use of the word 'gauzy'. Gauzy is generally used to describe fabric that is see-though. ) of his face showed deep lines of disgust ( that works well and it vivid )  as he pulled open the door and lifted a half-smoked joint and full baggy of marijuana into view.
     Bobby’s thin blue irises remained forward. ( Irises can't move in a direction different to the eyeballs so probably will sound more natural  to just say something like 'Bobby stared straight ahead' and think of another way to mention they are blue )
     “We’re not there yet, Bob.” Dad was composed, but it was clear he struggled ing to stay composed. “I meant what I said. You have seven more miles to wash yourself of this. Going from big-city commissioner to small-town chief, I’m going from never around to always around. I assure you I am not someone you want to be stuck in the house with.”
     Bobby’s view stayed fastened ( stayed fastened doesn't sound right, 'remained fixed' maybe ) out the windshield.
     “Get out of the truck,” Dad said. “You wait in the rain.”


At first this was very exciting reading , despite a lot of minor irritations and the confusing things that can be addressed easily. but the biggest problem is the Faux Hook. As soon as I realise the panic from MC was unwarranted I lost interest and worse, felt betrayed as a reader and no longer trusted the author.
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jessupcounty
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« Reply #3 on: October 25, 2018, 04:33:19 PM »

Thank you, both of you. Amyina68, others have mentioned the same thing, which I’d hoped I’d taken care of, but apparently not, so thanks for pointing that out!

Pinapplejuice, this entire process is maddening, so I try to find value in any and all feedback, but I’m having a hard time with yours. Though I’m sure you make some great points, I don’t know which ones to focus on, as some of the “irritations and confusing things” you mentioned were actually explained right at the beginning. I.e. you said you did not know she was in a car, that it was raining, and that she was reading, but all are stated in this sentence: I scraped at the last flakes of purple on my nails, the squeaking of the windshield wipers about to do in my attempt to read in the dark cab of the U-Haul.
One Thousand Reasons being the book she is reading. Possibly, you missed that sentence? If not, do you have a suggestion as to how better to write that sentence to clarify? Also, as noted in red at the beginning, the underlined sentences are passages from the book she’s reading that I have no other way to denote other than with a different font—unless you have another suggestion? Otherwise, underlining as I have done in this sample comes off confusing and, as you stated, as if I’m simply emphasizing—which I’m not. Finally, I don’t understand what you mean about the faux hook? Though nobody actually got hurt—or there was no real emergency—it all leads into what happens next, which is integral to the story. Something that would become clearer if I’d posted the rest of the chapter. These opening pages (the whole book, actually) have been a real struggle for me, so if you’re able to clarify, it would greatly appreciated!

Thanks again!
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Rebecca Miller
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Pineapplejuice
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« Reply #4 on: October 25, 2018, 11:50:07 PM »


To be honest I completely forgot the Uhaul detail early on. I remember while reading it I was still a bit put off by the fact this started with a list when I didn't yet know who or where the MC was then I remember having a clear image of the fingernails which was good, then not being sure what a dark cab of a Uhaul was ( as I'm in Australia and we say 'passenger seat' and  I don't know what a Uhaul is. I expected a further reminder to clarify this was a vehicle ( warm leather seats under her legs, the rumble of the motor, the smell of oil and a loose tool box rattling in the back ) but it didn't happen for so my mind just put it aside ( thus removing that basic placement of MC ) among trying to figure out the next sentence which was  the title of a book ( that I didn't know was a book. You assume the reader knows the book and joins the dots that the book she was reading was called One thousand reasons. I thought this
'One Thousand Reasons' in italics was perhaps another thing on her list, only that wouldn't make sense.
 You don't actually say One thousand reasons was a book And when you say ' Clairs mother, Moms best friend, gave it to me ' I interpreted that as the author having edited out what the 'it' referred to. If you say 'the book' when referring to a book, that would easily fix it. I know it can be easy to forget that we readers don't know what is overly familiar to you if you worked on these pages a lot, and had people who are familiar with them working on them repeatedly - they forget too.

Also 'A dead mother, a barely-there father, an almost complete lack of friends. I could identify with that.' I as a reader who doesn't know the book she's reading doesn't know she's referring to a character IN the book. We just heard about Clairs mother, Moms best friend and I have no idea who this observation is referring to. Even if I did it still reads as telling. And is probably a bit info dumpy. Esp with so many characters with no identifying details mentioned in short succession. Clair, Clairs mother, Bobby, Dad and Josh. That's just a bit too many faceless people that have not yet interacted with the MC, at once.

I'm just wondering what this scene would read like without any reference to the One Thousand Reasons. The quotes from the book and the MC's past tense commentary on them example:


'Hardships develop our strengths. We don’t truly know ourselves, or our potential, until we’ve been tested.'
If there really was a bigger picture, I was definitely being tested. ( This to me leaves me questioning whether the MC is a past tense character in the now saying she's being tested by having to move , maybe, or an all knowing past tense character who is hinting to the reader that what is about to happen is going to test her )

These things are confusing to me personally. Maybe others feel differently.

Apart from that , if you think it works I'd consider adding more details of body language and setting to ground the reader. I think a reader like me would feel differently if there was simply more clarification

I Think you need to ground the reader more because it reads as headtalky with very scant details to set the scene ( the truck on the road ) there is no setting and this leaves the reader feeling disembodied when they should feel like they are in the body of the character - not just in her mind.

Having said all that ....there are lots of things Iove about this! While I was reading an impending car crash I was invested and gripped to reading. ( despite my prior confusion ) . I think you are talented and this COULD work. ( With just a LITTLE BIT of clarification. What was missing was small but very important for ease of reading. ) I was being extra fussy while reading it because my first instinct was 'this is really excellent in lots of ways! This author really gets a lot of things about writing, but because I read everything really closely ( in published books as well , I'm critical ) I wanted to identify exactly what was preventing me from being lost in the words and beleiving I was there.

The faux hook thing, - that's possibly subjective. To me this reads like a suspense or thriller though and not a coming of age book. When I realised nothing bad happens in the car accident, the adrenalin you'd built up in me drained out of me and I was left feeling let down. But I think if you ground reader more that will help tone down the sense of suspense, which is a good thing due to the fact nothing eventful happens in this car accident.

As it is at the moment the most interesting thing about these pages is the accident - but as soon as reader realizes it isn't an important scene, they lose interest because that's the story you've been telling in these pages, a car accident, we haven't got a  sense of any character before the accident except for MC as there is no interaction, so when accident is made redundant ( for the purposes of this scene - I understand you say it's important later ) all reader is left with is the MC in a setting that was barely described, in a situation that hasn't been established except for she's moving house  and a bunch of characters who we don't know yet discussing things that don't move the story forward. I admit I skimmed over the dialogue because I'd already read quite a bit but hadn't gotten to know any other characters, and so what they were about to say didn't matter to me.

If the brother is important I'd probably focus on him a little more earlier, so that when he's in the car with MC we feel like we know him a little.

I know I've been really critical here ,and I also can tell you've worked extremely hard on this ( it shows because there are so many things right about your writing ) I just think perhaps it's been over edited, as it feels like basic information has been rushed because the mood of the character is placed as a priority.

As a reader I want to clearly see the immediate situation at hand better. And not have to rely on one sentence for setting, sandwiched between the MC's thoughts.

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« Reply #5 on: October 26, 2018, 08:29:45 AM »

Thank you, Pinnapplejuice! THAT I can work with. Going to start on it right now.
« Last Edit: October 29, 2018, 09:00:23 AM by jessupcounty » Logged

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« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2018, 08:07:46 PM »

TAKE 2! Or more like 222. Because this is such a slow process for me, I focused mostly on adding description to ground the reader. Am I at least on the right track? Any and all comments/suggestions would be greatly appreciated, because I am beyond ready to rip my hair out.  Cry





We all thought we knew the reason Dad decided to move. Dad probably did, too.



CHAPTER 1

     Waterfalls. One more thing to add to the list of stuff I may never experience again.
     Clair’s pool, lying on a towel in the sun with her.
     The ocean. Burying my toes in the sand at the beach.
     Not that any of it had happened anytime recently, but it would’ve again eventually. I’d hoped.
     The summer exploration program at the college. Months of just trying to get Dad to look into it and he’d finally signed me up.
     Breathe… There wasn’t much point in thinking about it anymore. Eighteen hundred miles down, only a few to go.
     The rain had slowed to only beads of water that gathered on the windshield, the heated leather under my legs doing little to comfort me on the raw night.
     I scraped at the last flakes of purple on my nails, the intermittent squeak of the wipers about to do in my attempt to read in the dark cab of the U-Haul.
     One Thousand Reasons.
     Clair’s mother, Mom’s best friend, gave me the book just before we left in an effort to help me understand why things kept happening the way they did. She, somehow, still believed that everything happened for a reason.
          'Our worst moments are often our most defining.'
     A dead mother, a barely-there father, an almost complete lack of friends. I could identify with that.
     Josh, being the oldest and “Mr. Responsible”, led up ahead in Dad’s car. Bobby, ignorantly oblivious that he was the cause of all of this, followed in the one the two of them shared.
     Still over a year away from getting my license, I got the passenger seat in the cab of the truck with Dad behind them.
     Almost a decade and a half of memories was now just that. Memories. Though there hadn’t been many good ones the past few years.
    No one said it would be easy, Dad had said. I didn’t ask for easy, just manageable. I felt like I’d treaded water in an ocean without shores for too long and the buoy that finally came into sight was ripped away—like God said psych.
          'Hardships develop our strengths. We don’t truly know ourselves, or our potential, until we’ve been tested.'
     If there really was a bigger picture, I was definitely being tested.
     “In one mile, turn right,” the automated voice of the GPS said.
     The road was dark, desolate. A grim sign of what was to come.
     I turned the heat up a notch in an ongoing battle with Dad over an agreeable temperature.
     “I saw that,” he said, a smile in his tone as his eyes never shifted from the road.
     Of course he did. It was the same thing he said every time, right before he stealthily turned it back down.
     He’d put in extra effort the whole trip to try to keep the mood as light as possible to make up for the massive jolt to our lives.
     Honestly, three years of working my way back up, only for this to happen.
          'God doesn’t—'
     Tires screeched. A deer glowed in Josh’s high beams.
     It leapt out of the way and disappeared into the black, but Bobby missed the beat. He plowed into Josh with a bang.
     My book flew from my lap as Dad slammed on the brakes, and the seatbelt bit into my chest.
     Bobby fishtailed.
     The smell of burnt rubber blitzed my nose as I gripped the seat and the over head handle bar. Bobby’s brake lights disappeared as his back end went off the road into a ditch.
     No, no, no, no. Tires hollering, we slid toward him. Oh, God, no. I squeezed my eyes shut. I’d deny relation if I could but didn’t want him to die.
     Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
     My head whipped forward as we jarred to a stop.
     A cloud of white eclipsed our view. As it dissipated, Bobby shone in our headlights.
     Holy Christ. Fifteen more feet and we would’ve hit him, smack dab in the middle of his driver’s side door.
     Steam billowed from his hood.
     “God dammit!” Dad’s knuckles were white around the steering wheel. “Are you okay?” He looked to me with an utterly justified look of alarm.
     I nodded, Josh sideways on the road up ahead, and Dad heaved open his door and lunged from the truck.
     Ducking from the drizzle, he made a beeline for Bobby. He must’ve seen he was okay, he raised a finger to him to wait and rushed to his own car that Josh drove. He ripped the driver’s side door open and invaded the space between Josh and the steering wheel.
     Dear God, please. Not again.
     Dad’s mouth moved as if talking.
     He lifted out of the car and his hands went to his hips as he inhaled a chest-expanding breath.
     I let out the one I was holding and reached for my door handle. I dropped to the ground from the high seat as Bobby also got out.
     Josh got out of Dad’s car as we converged on him.
     “What the hell was that?” Bobby’s eyes bulged.
     “Did you not see the deer?” Josh shouted.
     “So you had to jack up on your friggin’ brakes?”
     Josh shook. “Are you okay?” I needed to make sure.
     He sucked in a breath and nodded.
     “Friggin’ idiot,” Bobby said.
     Seriously? “Were you even paying attention?” I asked Bobby, hugging myself as I shivered. Despite my loathing for him—as well the fact he’d only had his license a few months—I couldn’t deny that he was actually a pretty good driver. There’d been plenty of space between them. He should’ve had enough to time to stop.
     “Shut your hole, Meg. Go get back in the truck.”
     “Enough,” Dad said, probably just grateful we didn’t hit either of them.
     I turned to the boys’ car. There wasn’t any damage to the frame, but steam still forced its way through the seams of the hood and green fluid trickled onto the ground from underneath it.
     Dad stood with his hands on his hips again as he surveyed the damage.
     “What the hell are we gonna do now?” Bobby asked, glaring at the wrecked vehicle that would’ve provided him his best escape from his “intolerable” family.
     Dad lifted a palm to fend him off. “Bob, just relax a minute.”
     “I’m sorry, Dad,” Josh apologized. “I really didn’t mean—”
     “It was a natural response, Josh. It’s not your fault.”
     “Like hell, it’s not,” Bobby said. “Thanks to him, now we’re out our friggin’ ride. Idiot.
     “Robert…” Dad took in a breath. “Why don’t you go wait in the truck.”
     “Fine by me.” He started walking.
     “Megan, go with him,” he said to me a little softer. “There’s no point in you standing out here in the rain.”
     It was dark and late and I was already glazed from the mist, if I stood there any longer it would soak in. So I, too, turned back for the U-Haul that carried our entire existence.
     Bobby stole my seat, so I hoisted up and in from the driver’s side and took up position next to him in the middle.
     “It could’ve been worse,” I said, pulling my sweatshirt from the floor and draping it over me. “At least no one got hurt.” We certainly knew something about that.
     “Yeah. Good thing.”
     Such a jerk.
     As Bobby, in his royal blue t-shirt a size too big and his dusky hair barely damp, reached for the knob for the heat, Dad, with Josh quivering from the cold next to him, pulled out his cell phone.
     “Do you really think Dad’s not gonna smell you?” I asked as I scraped my own soggy mess to the back of my head. He reeked of pot, and if Dad hadn’t already, he surely would.
     “Drink bleach, Meg.”
     “It wasn’t his fault, you know.” I secured my skimpy ponytail with the elastic from my wrist.
     “Oh, it wasn’t? It was necessary for him to almost kill his entire family over a friggin’ animal? Oh, I’m sorry. What’s left of his family?”
     He really made my head spin. “It’s called compassion,” I said. “Maybe you could try having a little. Besides, it was apparently just as necessary for you to get high.”
     “Shut up.”
     “So, what, were you taking a hit, not paying attention?”
     Bobby shook his head at the windshield with the same disgruntled squint of his eyes. “Seriously, Meg, shut the f**k up.”
     “I’m not gonna shut up. You ruined my life.” Josh, the non-guilty party, still stood outside, drops forming on the ends of his hair.
     Bobby gasped. “I ruined your life? What life? And get it straight. I’m not the reason we’re here. We’re here because Dad was sick of finding dead kids.”
     “Yeah, and he didn’t want you being one of them. Do you not get that?”
     He huffed.
     Dad finished his call and stepped over to the car in the ditch, its front wheels on the pavement, rear wheels off the road at a forty-five-degree angle. He opened the driver’s side door and leaned in, his arm going directly under the seat.
     He apparently didn’t find what he looked for, so he got in and reached for the glove box.
     He re-emerged and started for the truck.
     Bobby didn’t react.
     Dad’s contentment from minutes before as we crossed the line into the county decayed, and the gauzy skin of his face showed deep lines of disgust as he pulled open the door and lifted a half-smoked joint and full baggy of marijuana into view.
     Bobby’s thin blue irises remained forward.
     “We’re not there yet, Bob.” Dad was composed, but it was clear he struggled. “I meant what I said. You have seven more miles to wash yourself of this. Going from big-city commissioner to small-town chief, I’m going from never around to always around. I assure you I am not someone you want to be stuck in the house with.”
     Bobby’s view stayed fastened out the windshield.
     “Get out of the truck,” Dad said. “You wait in the rain.”
« Last Edit: November 05, 2018, 09:57:10 PM by jessupcounty » Logged

Rebecca Miller
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« Reply #7 on: November 06, 2018, 05:17:10 AM »


CHAPTER 1

     Waterfalls. One more thing to add to the list of stuff I may never experience again.
     Clair’s pool, lying on a towel in the sun with her.
     The ocean. Burying my toes in the sand at the beach.
     Not that any of it had happened anytime recently, but it would’ve again eventually. I’d hoped.
     The summer exploration program at the college. Months of just trying to get Dad to look into it and he’d finally signed me up.
     Breathe… There wasn’t much point in thinking about it anymore. Eighteen hundred miles down, only a few to go.
     The rain had slowed to only beads of water that gathered on the windshield, the heated leather under my legs doing little to comfort me on the raw night.  Grin This is better! I really saw the water running down the windows, and it was a good enough description to place me in an unforgettable way, and make me forget I'm reading and just 'see'. I would consider 'the raw COLD of the night' as the 'raw night' doesn't say why or how it's raw, so sounds odd to me' . )  
     I scraped at the last flakes of purple on my nails, the intermittent squeak of the wipers about to do in my attempt to read in the dark cab of the U-Haul. ( This , which was a good description before, is even better because we already see the MC so it augments the previous description, as well as adding another one!  Grin )
     One Thousand Reasons.
     Clair’s mother, Mom’s best friend, gave me the ( maybe 'that' will make it perfectly clear you mean the above words in italics are a book ) book just before we left in an effort to help me understand why things kept happening the way they did. She, somehow, still believed that everything happened for a reason.
          'Our worst moments are often our most defining.' ( I think the problem is here that you never explain the words in italics are from the book. how are you going to make sure reader knows this, because you can't give them a note at the top of the page, that would look silly. Like, if you said 'I flicked to page 22, which was fell open easily thanks to my obsessive folding of the corner of my favorite pages. I run my finger down to a line of text I found expresses what I am going through with the move. I think it needs context, but if you get feedback from others who aren't bothered by it, then maybe it's just me. )
     A dead mother, a barely-there father, an almost complete lack of friends. I could identify with that. ( Again no context and reads like a disembodied list. Maybe try something like 'In One Thousand Reasons the MC, has a ....THEN 'I could identify with that/her )
     Josh, being the oldest ( 'sibling in our family' or 'my older brother' Just a suggestion because I think you're making too many assumptions that the reader knows things they can't know until you tell them I know it sounds more natural the way you had it, but clarity is valuable too ) and “Mr. Responsible”, led up ahead in Dad’s car. Bobby, ignorantly oblivious that he was the cause of all of this, ( all what? ) followed in the one the two of them shared. ( using specific nouns helps us get a better picture. For example, 'followed in the red sedan my two brothers shared. Preferably a car brand but I can't think of any I'm Australian )
     Still over a year away from getting my license, I got the passenger seat in the cab of the truck with Dad behind them. ( Ahhh I in both reads of this thought you meant Bobby was following the MC, maybe change in the above paragraph, 'followed Josh. I think I need a visual perhaps of what MC can see, because as she was describing Josh's car I assumed that is what the MC could see )
     Almost a decade and a half of memories was now just that. Memories. Though there hadn’t been many good ones the past few years.
    No one said it would be easy, Dad had said. I didn’t ask for easy, just manageable. I felt like I’d treaded water in an ocean without shores for too long and the buoy that finally came into sight was ripped away—like God said psych.  ( We don't know what the MC is referring to. I know the mood is strong, but it gets frustrating for the reader to hear the mood of MC and not know the exact reasons. We only seem to be getting her current thought process without the historical references - the why - that would give those thoughts scope and ( sorry to say this word again , ground reader. So you can ground reader in scene with detail, but with the thoughts like this, they can also be more grounded by giving them more context. Something like ' I look over at  my father and feel like complaining but my lips are sealed shut, my heart heavy. He said this morning when he saw the puzzled expression on my face as I turned back to look at our home for the last time, 'No one said it would be easy.' )
        ( I flick to another page marked by a delicate fold in the top right hand corner of my book.)  'Hardships develop our strengths. We don’t truly know ourselves, or our potential, until we’ve been tested.'
     If there really was a bigger picture, I was definitely being tested. ( And here I'd explain this thought. For example. 'The house we'd left, felt like Mom's home and now she was gone I needed the familiar walls, the brass doorknobs, the old wallpaper and smell of her closet to hold onto. The floods of memories available to me every day, simply by going into another room, would not be possible anywhere else )
     “In one mile, turn right,” the ( overly-chirpy/stern etc need a descriptive word to 'hear' it or it's just telling ) automated voice of the GPS said.
     The road was dark, desolate. A grim sign of what was to come. ( How does she know it's a grim sign? I wonder here if this is being told from a past tense narrator who is all knowing, because it's literally being told in hindsight, or is the MC just speculating and anticipating due to her mood? )
     I turned the heat up a notch in an ongoing battle with Dad over an agreeable temperature. ( I think the dialogue shows this. I like what happens here, but it's more fun for reader if we figure it out for ourselves. Because 'I saw that' is very character rich , so I think instead of being just charming the way you have it, if reader gets the surprise of 'I saw that' we delight in the slight anxiety of the moment. )
     “I saw that,” he said, a smile in his tone as his eyes never shifted from the road. ( Nice  Grin)  
     Of course he did. It was the same thing he said every time, right before he stealthily turned it back down. ( This here is good. And part of reason I said what I did above about not needing to tell before you show regards the turning heat up, is because I knew you were going to explain it here. I'd keep this, it's good explanation )
     He’d put in extra effort the whole trip to try to keep the mood as light as possible to make up for the massive jolt to our lives. 'of our lives' is being vague again. I'd consider 'the jolt of the massive upheaval of relocating our lives' for example )
     Honestly, three years of working my way back up, only for this to happen.
          'God doesn’t—' ( Who is speaking? ) And I don't know what they are referring to? Seems a bit out of place in conversation and since we only get the first part of the sentence before the speaker is cut off, we don't know how to interpret it )
     Tires screeched. ( Their tyres? Or 'tyres screeched up ahead. I looked up ) A deer glowed in Josh’s high beams.
     It leapt out of the way ( 'out of the way' doesn't show us what's happening, it feels like telling that is forgetting to show )it bounded across the gleaming wet road and onto the safety of the grassy shoulder, throwing a startled glance at Josh's car ( brand name )  before in ran off again, sucked into the mist and blackness of the woods  ) and disappeared into the black, but Bobby missed the beat. He plowed into Josh with a bang.
     My book flew from my lap as Dad slammed on the brakes, and the seatbelt bit into my chest.
     Bobby fishtailed.( this needs more. It's too breif a description, you're telling, but what can MC see? 'Bobby fish tailed, swerving onto the other side of the road, leaving us with a full veiw of Josh in Dad's ( car name ) which was now _____ describe )
     The smell of burnt rubber ( permeated through the vents of the truck ) blitzed my nose as I gripped the seat and ( fumbled for ) the over head handle bar. Bobby’s brake lights disappeared as his back end went off the road into a ditch.
     No, no, no, no. Tires hollering, we slid toward him. Oh, God, no. I squeezed my eyes shut. I’d deny relation if I could but didn’t want him to die.
     Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
     My head whipped forward as we jarred to a stop.
     A cloud of white eclipsed our view. As it dissipated, Bobby shone ( how is bobby shining? You mean the car? Is Bobby standing on the road? If you mean 'shone' as in he's standing in the light, maybe add something like 'Bobby's face and bare arms, wet with rain, gleamed in the headlights.' ) in our headlights.
     Holy Christ. Fifteen more feet and we would’ve hit him, smack dab in the middle of his driver’s side door.
     Steam billowed from his hood.
     “God dammit!” Dad’s knuckles were white around  ( knuckles don't go around steering wheels, hands do. So maybe 'Dad's knuckles white as bone as he gripped ) the steering wheel. “Are you okay?” He looked to me with an utterly justified ( utterly justified is a bit telly, maybe show with ' He looked to me, his eyes wide with alarm  or his wide eyes pooling with alarm) look of alarm.
     I nodded, Josh ('s car was ) sideways on the road up ahead, and Dad heaved open his door and lunged from the truck.
     Ducking from the drizzle, he made a beeline for Bobby. He must’ve seen he was okay, ( what can MC see? )  he raised a finger to him to wait and rushed to his own car that Josh drove. He ripped the driver’s side door open and invaded the space between Josh and the steering wheel. ( invaded the space doesn't sound right also can MC see him doing this? maybe just 'He ripped the drivers side door open, his head and shoulders now out of my view. )
     Dear God, please. Not again.
     Dad’s mouth moved as if talking. ( How can MC see this? )
     He lifted ( I am not familiar with 'lifted out'. Are you sure this is correct? Maybe stepped away from the car, backed away. Whenever I read it I think you are about to say he's lifting josh out of the car ) out of the car and his hands went to his hips as he inhaled a chest-expanding breath. ( great imagery!  Grin )
     I let out the one breath I was holding and reached for ( the cold steel of ) my door handle. I dropped to the ground from the high seat as Bobby also got out. ( I thought Bobby was already out? Wasn't it him who 'shone' in the headlights? I see now you must have meant bobbys car shining in the headlights )
     Josh got out of Dad’s car as we converged on him. ( we all. I thought you meant dad and MC only at first )
     “What the hell was that?” Bobby’s eyes bulged.
     “Did you not see the deer?” Josh shouted.
     “So you had to jack up on your friggin’ brakes?”
     Josh shook.  ( his head? Or was he just shaking? ) “Are you okay?” I needed to make sure.
     He sucked in a breath and nodded.
     “Friggin’ idiot,” Bobby said.
     Seriously? “Were you even paying attention?” I asked Bobby, hugging myself as I shivered. Despite my loathing for him—as well the fact he’d only had his license a few months—I couldn’t deny that he was actually a pretty good driver. There’d been plenty of space between them. He should’ve had enough to time to stop.
     “Shut your hole, Meg. Go get back in the truck.”
     “Enough,” Dad said, probably just grateful we didn’t hit either of them. ( How can she see or hear his gratitude. 'Probably' needs a reason or it's just telling )  For example. " Enough," Dad said, the panic draining/passing from his face, and relief evident in his sigh
     I turned to the boys’ car. There wasn’t any damage to the frame, but steam still forced its way through the seams of the hood and green fluid trickled onto the ground from underneath it.
     Dad stood with his hands on his hips again as he surveyed the damage.
     “What the hell are we gonna do now?” Bobby asked, glaring at the wrecked vehicle that would’ve provided him his best escape from his “intolerable” family.
     Dad lifted a palm to fend him off. “Bob, just relax a minute.”
     “I’m sorry, Dad,” Josh apologized. “I really didn’t mean—”
     “It was a natural response, Josh. It’s not your fault.”
     “Like hell, it’s not,” Bobby said. “Thanks to him, now we’re out our friggin’ ride. Idiot.
     “Robert…” Dad took in a breath. “Why don’t you go wait in the truck.”
     “Fine by me.” He started walking.
     “Megan, go with him,” he said to me a little softer. “There’s no point in you standing out here in the rain.”
     It was dark and late and I was already glazed from the mist, if I stood there any longer it would soak in. So I, too, turned back for the U-Haul that carried our entire existence.
     Bobby stole my seat, so I hoisted up and in from the driver’s side and took up position next to him in the middle.
     “It could’ve been worse,” I said, pulling my sweatshirt from the floor and draping it over me. “At least no one got hurt.” We certainly knew something about that.
     “Yeah. Good thing.”
     Such a jerk.
     As Bobby, in his royal blue t-shirt a size too big and his dusky hair barely damp, reached for the knob for the heat, Dad, with Josh quivering from the cold next to him, pulled out his cell phone.
     “Do you really think Dad’s not gonna smell you?” I asked as I scraped my own soggy mess to the back of my head. He reeked of pot, and if Dad hadn’t already, he surely would.
     “Drink bleach, Meg.”
     “It wasn’t his fault, you know.” I secured my skimpy ponytail with the elastic from my wrist.
     “Oh, it wasn’t? It was necessary for him to almost kill his entire family over a friggin’ animal? Oh, I’m sorry. What’s left of his family?”
     He really made my head spin. “It’s called compassion,” I said. “Maybe you could try having a little. Besides, it was apparently just as necessary for you to get high.”
     “Shut up.”
     “So, what, were you taking a hit, not paying attention?”
     Bobby shook his head at the windshield with the same disgruntled squint of his eyes. “Seriously, Meg, shut the f**k up.”
     “I’m not gonna shut up. You ruined my life.” ( Is this meg saying this or Josh piping in? Also if meg I want her to briefly explain how he ruined her life. ) Josh, the non-guilty party, still stood outside, drops forming on the ends of his hair.
     Bobby gasped. “I ruined your life? What life? And get it straight. I’m not the reason we’re here. We’re here because Dad was sick of finding dead kids.”
     “Yeah, and he didn’t want you being one of them. Do you not get that?”
     He huffed.
     Dad finished his call and stepped ( walked, 'stepped' implies it's close so is confusing ) over to the car in the ditch ( which car? 'the car Bobby had been driving or use the brand /colour/model ), its front wheels on the pavement, rear wheels off the road at a forty-five-degree angle. He opened the driver’s side door and leaned in, his arm going directly under the seat.
     He apparently didn’t find what he looked ( was looking ) for, so he got in ( got in that car? ) and reached for the glove box. ( maybe 'He apparently didn't find what he was looking for under the seat, so he got in and opened the glove box ) I don't see why he has to get in to look in glovebox though
     He re-emerged and started for the truck.
     Bobby didn’t react ( this is not descriptive, but is telling. 'Bobby's face remained blank, his eyes stony ( my example not brilliant but better than 'bobby didn't react' )
     Dad’s contentment from minutes before as we crossed the line into the county decayed, and the gauzy skin of his face showed deep lines of disgust as he pulled open the door and lifted ( held/dangled ) a half-smoked joint and full baggy of marijuana into view. ( 'into view is vague ) 'in front of Bobbys face' gives us a clear, specific picuture )
     Bobby’s thin blue irises remained forward. ( Iris thickness doesn't vary - it's the same in all eyes, not sure what you mean but 'thin' here is inappropriate phrasing biologically. If you mean because he's been smoking a joint and his pupils are dilated then the iris could be narrowed around the enlarged pupil but 'thin' doesn't work to explain this  ) ( Bobby's pale blue eyes stared ahead, aloof and unblinking)
     “We’re not there yet, Bob.” Dad was composed, but it was clear he struggled. ( What is he doing? Getting in the car? Needs body language since you aren't giving us a visual with 'Dad was composed , but it was clear he struggled. ' It's okay to convey this point about dad in this way, ( I like it ) but it needs something else ) “I meant what I said. You have seven more miles to wash yourself of this. Going from big-city commissioner to small-town chief, I’m going from never around to always around. I assure you I am not someone you want to be stuck in the house with.”
     Bobby’s view ( MC can't see Bobbys view, so this is incorrect. Bobbys 'gaze' would be correct. ) stayed fastened out the windshield.
     “Get out of the truck,” Dad said. “You wait in the rain.”






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« Last Edit: November 06, 2018, 11:24:57 PM by Pineapplejuice » Logged
jessupcounty
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« Reply #8 on: November 06, 2018, 04:39:42 PM »

Wow, Pinnaplejuice! Those are all great suggestions! Thank you so much!
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Rebecca Miller
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