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Author Topic: Troubled Waters  (Read 191 times)
quent_aron
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« on: February 22, 2019, 02:12:34 PM »

Any criticism is welcome. Trying to fine tune things before submitting to agents.

Thanks for any thoughts and help,
Quent


DANIEL “CRUISER” STONE is the borderline antisocial medic for an elite paramilitary unit lead by WOLFGANG HENDRIX, a military legend. Cruiser hates people, yet dedicates his life to saving them. The unit is under the leadership of shadowy government figure, General ROMAN BURK. Their current mission is simple: stop someone from selling classified weapons designs of CLARENCE TYRELL, eccentric genius and head of Sirrah Arms. There are three prime suspects, one of which is happy-go-lucky SAMANTHA FROST, personal assistant to Tyrell. She is also responsible for granting access to Tyrell’s lab at Sirrah headquarters at their sprawling 20,000 acre West Virginia campus.

Cruiser's attempt to gain entry to Tyrell’s lab comes to a grinding halt thanks to Samantha's bubbly and persistent noes. Before Cruiser can convince Sam otherwise, the lobby erupts with gunfire as security barges in. Cruiser may think Samantha is the most perkily annoying person in the world, but letting her get shot goes against his core need to protect the innocent. Sam manages to hit the panic button, locking Tyrell safely in his lab, before they race out of the building in a hail of gunfire. It’s a mad dash to the team vehicle while FLETCHER CROSSFIELD and CHANCE SOLOMON lay down cover fire. They narrowly escape with security hot on their tail.

EMERY CLARK, former spy and Wolf’s longtime lover, is debriefing Roman Burk on the three people suspected of trying to sell Tyrell’s secrets. The briefing ends when Burk gets a call informing him of trouble at Tyrell’s headquarters. Mr. Sirocco, his predecessor and rival, is behind it. He orders Emery under house arrest and unofficially expects her to sneak out of his compound to help the unit. Emery assumes her cover persona of Janet Mills, knowing two of Burk’s Omega guards are following her.

Sam, Cruiser, and the rest of the team end up stranded in the middle of Tyrell’s property. Their vehicle is out of oil thanks to a well-placed bullet. Now on foot, the team separates into two groups. Chance and Fletcher (ace pilot with mental illness) head out to procure transportation and contact Burk. The rest of the team start for a hidden cabin that Sam knows about, with a plan to rendezvous there.

When Cruiser and Sam are nearly caught by Tyrell’s security, Cruiser hides Sam and tells her to stay put no matter what. He can’t stand the idea of not being able to protect a women because he adores his adopted sister and niece. A fight breaks out. With Cruiser outnumbered and losing, Sam leaves her hiding spot. She's not going to let her hero get hurt. They gain the upper hand as POINDEXTER MILROSE and Wolf arrive. Injured with the bad guys closing in, they finally make it to the cabin. Wolf and Dex, the weapons and electronics expert, take to the woods to keep the security and police forces away while Cruiser tends to their injuries.

Cruiser and Sam pry into each other’s pasts while he stitches his head and bandages her feet. The more he finds out about her, the more she reminds him of his sister, and the more he is unable to deny his attraction to her. Sam is drawn to his protective nature and sees past the jerk exterior to the good within. Sam has cherry picked the best parts of her childhood to be happy. Cruiser cherry picked the worst of his, paralleling their opposing approaches to life.

After taking out some of the opposition, Wolf and Dex overhear radio traffic about the search party bringing in dogs and air support. With no way to get back to the cabin or get a call to Cruiser, they resort to sending a message via explosion for Cruiser to abandon the cabin. They head further into enemy territory, hoping the closer they get, the more the bad guys will focus on them and not Cruiser and Sam. The team needs her alive to get Tyrell.

Emery arrives in the town surrounding Tyrell’s campus expecting a message from the team. However, no one from the unit attempted to contact her or make use of Janet's cover apartment like they should have. Swapping out Burk’s 4 door late model sedan for Janet's run down minivan, Emery tells the Omegas to meet her at the local diner and heads out in a cloud of exhaust smoke.

Back on the run, Cruiser and Sam are pushed to their limits. The tension rises. Sam does her best to keep up, and Cruiser pulls out every trick he can to keep them out of the clenches of Tyrell’s guards. The odds are stacked against them and their only chance of survival is working together and trusting one another. Cruiser may be forced to accept that there’s more to Sam than pigtails and polka dotted panties.

On her way to town, Emery spots Chance and Fletcher trying unsuccessfully to hide in a ditch. As Fletcher and Chance fill her in and try to clean off the mud, they’re pulled over by the local police. Watching two cons, Emery and Chance, weave a tail to the authorities has never been so fun. A bitter divorce and feuding parties ends with the officer unconscious and a new plan in action. Emery will use Janet Mills’ security pass to get Fletcher and Chance to Tyrell’s airstrip.

When they get to the campus gate, the mission almost fails when the guard requests to search Janet’s car. Before he can find Chance and Fletcher hiding in the back of the minivan, Wolf’s explosions distract the guard. He tells Janet to get inside and stay safe. Ditching the minivan and Janet facade, Emery slips into another cover persona, this time a Virginia State police detective. Using her new identity and a stolen sedan, Emery heads to the diner, leaving Chance and Fletcher to steal a helicopter and get back to the rest of the team. Emery meets with the Omegas at the diner and takes them to an elite hotel with a helicopter pad.

Chance turns up his game, conning them into a helicopter and the manhunt for Cruiser and Sam. Landing at the ground operations for the search, Chance winds up with an exact location for Sam and Cruiser, as well as several members of Tyrell’s security forces. A few minutes into the flight, and to Chance’s surprise, Dex and Wolf pop up from the back of the chopper and overpower the bad guys.

Tyrell's security runs Cruiser and Sam up a tree with the help of a K9. They order Cruiser killed and Sam taken back to Tyrell's compound to get them into the weapons lab. Sam knows she will die and so will Cruiser. She thanks him, wishing they had more time together. It pulls at his emotions in a way he doesn’t fully understand. Cruiser reassures her, determined to keep her alive and unable to deny he’s attracted to her. Before the order can be carried out, the rest of the team swoop in via helicopter. A battle ensues and ends with the team intact and everyone, including Sam, safe.

The team goes to Emery’s hotel and finds Burk there also. They still need the weapon designs and Clarence Tyrell extracted from his lab. With Sam’s help, Dex hacks into Tyrell’s security system. The team heads back to Tyrell’s lab only to find themselves racing against a self-destruct sequence and Tyrell’s lawyer dead. A final shootout leaves everyone at their wits end when Tyrell refuses to leave his lab. Sam grabs Tyrell’s sock monkey from his desk drawer and threatens it with scissors. Tyrell agrees to leave, but informs them that there is no way to shut off the self-destruct sequence. The team grabs Tyrell and races to the helicopter, escaping by skin of their teeth with the weapon designs, Tyrell, and Sam.Sam and Tyrell spend a few days at Burk’s compound healing. Sam and Cruiser finally succumb to emotions and hormones and sleep together. Wolf, Emery and Burk meet after the debriefing. It’s revealed that the other two suspects are dead, leaving only Sam still alive. They conclude Mr. Pink planned on framing Sam and killing the others. This isn’t over. Mr. Sirocco is bound to make another attempt on Tyrell and no one, including Sam and her new lover Cruiser, are safe.
« Last Edit: February 22, 2019, 04:15:13 PM by quent_aron » Logged
kaperton
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« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2019, 10:25:47 PM »

Any criticism is welcome. Trying to fine tune things before submitting to agents.

Thanks for any thoughts and help,
Quent


DANIEL “CRUISER” STONE is the borderline antisocial medic for an elite paramilitary unit lead led by WOLFGANG HENDRIX, a military legend. Cruiser hates people, yet dedicates his life to saving them. The unit is under the leadership of shadowy government figure, General ROMAN BURK. Their current mission is simple: stop someone maybe instead of "someone", say "an unknown person"? from selling classified weapons designs of CLARENCE TYRELL, eccentric genius and head of Sirrah Arms. There are three prime suspects, one of which whom is happy-go-lucky SAMANTHA FROST, personal assistant to Tyrell. She is also responsible for granting access to Tyrell’s lab at Sirrah headquarters at on their sprawling 20,000 acre 20,000-acre West Virginia campus.

Cruiser's attempt to gain entry to Tyrell’s lab comes to a grinding halt thanks to Samantha's bubbly and persistent noes. Before Cruiser can convince Sam otherwise, the lobby erupts with gunfire as security barges in. Cruiser may think Samantha is the most perkily annoying person in the world, but letting her get shot goes against his core need to protect the innocent. Sam manages to hit the panic button, locking Tyrell safely in his lab, before they race out of the building in a hail of gunfire. It’s a mad dash to the team vehicle while FLETCHER CROSSFIELD and CHANCE SOLOMON lay down cover fire. They narrowly escape with security hot on their tail.

EMERY CLARK, former spy and Wolf’s longtime lover, is debriefing Roman Burk on the three people suspected of trying to sell Tyrell’s secrets. The briefing ends when Burk gets a call informing him of trouble at Tyrell’s headquarters. Mr. Sirocco, his predecessor and rival, is behind it. He orders Emery under house arrest and unofficially expects her to sneak out of his compound to help the unit. I'm confused about the "unofficially expects"--does he want her to sneak out or just knows she probably will? Emery assumes her cover persona of Janet Mills, knowing two of Burk’s Omega guards are following her.

Sam, Cruiser, and the rest of the team end up stranded in the middle of Tyrell’s property. Their vehicle is out of oil thanks to a well-placed bullet. Now on foot, the team separates into two groups. Chance and Fletcher (ace pilot with mental illness What mental illness? That's pretty vague. Also, how is it relevant?) head out to procure transportation and contact Burk. The rest of the team start for a hidden cabin that Sam knows about, with a plan to rendezvous there.

When Cruiser and Sam are nearly caught by Tyrell’s security, Cruiser hides Sam and tells her to stay put no matter what. He can’t stand the idea of not being able to protect a women woman because he adores his adopted sister and niece. This phrasing is a little odd. He loves his sister and niece so he wants to protect all women? If he had a brother he loved, would he want to protect all men? A fight breaks out. With Cruiser outnumbered and losing, Sam leaves her hiding spot. She's not going to let her hero How is he her hero? From how you described it, she did as much as he did. A woman referring to a man as her hero sounds pretty old-fashioned. get hurt. They gain the upper hand as POINDEXTER MILROSE and Wolf arrive. Injured with the bad guys closing in, they finally make it to the cabin. Wolf and Dex, the weapons and electronics expert, take to the woods to keep the security and police forces away while Cruiser tends to their injuries.

Cruiser and Sam pry into each other’s pasts while he stitches his head and bandages her feet. The more he finds out about her, the more she reminds him of his sister, and the more he is unable to deny his attraction to her. Eww - might want to rephrase that. Sam is drawn to his Cruiser's protective nature and sees past the jerk exterior to the good within. I know it's just a synopsis and you can't go into great detail, but you keep saying Cruiser is a jerk, yet from everything you've described, he sounds like a really great guy. I'm not sure how you convey that he's an a-hole, but it feels contrived when you have to remind us he's a jerk. Sam has cherry pickedcherry-picked the best parts of her childhood to remember/to focus on to be happy. Cruiser cherry pickedcherry-picked the worst of his, paralleling their opposing approaches to life.

After taking out some of the opposition, Wolf and Dex overhear radio traffic about the search party bringing in dogs and air support. With no way to get back to the cabin or get a call to Cruiser, they resort to sending a message via explosion for Cruiser to abandon the cabin. They head further into enemy territory, hoping the closer they get, the more the bad guys will focus on them and not Cruiser and Sam. The team needs her alive to get Tyrell.

Emery arrives in the town surrounding Tyrell’s campus expecting a message from the team. However, no one from the unit attempted to contact her or make use of Janet's cover apartment like they should have. Swapping out Burk’s 4 door late model sedan why the detail about the car? Just say sedan for Janet's run down run-down minivan, Emery tells the Omegas to meet her at the local diner and heads out in a cloud of exhaust smoke.

Back on the run, Cruiser and Sam are pushed to their limits. The tension rises. Sam does her best to keep up, and Cruiser pulls out every trick he can to keep them out of the clenches clutches of Tyrell’s guards. The odds are stacked against them and their only chance of survival is working together and trusting one another. Cruiser may be forced to accept that there’s more to Sam than pigtails and polka dotted panties. This phrase is creepy. A lot of women hate the word panties. Coupled with pigtails, it gives a childish vibe, which is icky for someone he's attracted to.

On her way to town, Emery spots Chance and Fletcher trying unsuccessfully to hide in a ditch. As Fletcher and Chance fill her in and try to clean off the mud, they’re pulled over by the local police. Watching two cons, Emery and Chance, weave a tail tale to the authorities has never been so fun. A story of a bitter divorce and feuding parties ends with the officer unconscious and a new plan in action. Emery will use Janet Mills’ security pass to get Fletcher and Chance to Tyrell’s airstrip.

When they get to the campus gate, the mission almost fails when the guard requests to search Janet’s car. Before he can find Chance and Fletcher hiding in the back of the minivan, Wolf’s explosions distract the guard. He tells Janet to get inside and stay safe. Ditching the minivan and Janet facade, Emery slips into another cover persona, this time a Virginia State police detective. Using her new identity and a stolen sedan, Emery heads to the diner, leaving Chance and Fletcher to steal a helicopter and get back to the rest of the team. Emery meets with the Omegas at the diner and takes them to an elite hotel with a helicopter pad.

Chance turns up his game, conning them into a helicopter and the manhunt for Cruiser and Sam. Landing at the ground operations for the search, Chance winds up with an exact location for Sam and Cruiser, as well as several members of Tyrell’s security forces. A few minutes into the flight, and to Chance’s surprise, Dex and Wolf pop up from the back of the chopper and overpower the bad guys.

Tyrell's security runs Cruiser and Sam up a tree with the help of a K9. They order Cruiser killed and Sam taken back to Tyrell's compound to get them into the weapons lab. Sam knows she will die and so will Cruiser. She thanks him, wishing they had more time together. It pulls at his emotions in a way he doesn’t fully understand. Cruiser reassures her, determined to keep her alive and unable to deny he’s attracted to her You said he was unable to deny he was attracted to her back in paragraph 6. Before the order can be carried out, the rest of the team swoop in via helicopter. A battle ensues and ends with the team intact and everyone, including Sam, safe.

The team goes to Emery’s hotel and finds Burk there also. They still need the weapon designs and Clarence Tyrell extracted from his lab. With Sam’s help, Dex hacks into Tyrell’s security system. The team heads back to Tyrell’s lab only to find themselves racing against a self-destruct sequence and Tyrell’s lawyer dead. A final shootout leaves everyone at their witswits' end when Tyrell refuses to leave his lab. Sam grabs Tyrell’s sock monkey from his desk drawer and threatens it with scissors. Tyrell agrees to leave, but informs them that there is no way to shut off the self-destruct sequence. The team grabs Tyrell and races to the helicopter, escaping by skin of their teeth with the weapon designs, Tyrell, and Sam.Sam and Tyrell spend a few days at Burk’s compound healing. Sam and Cruiser finally succumb to emotions and hormones and sleep together. Wolf, Emery and Burk meet after the debriefing. It’s revealed that the other two suspects are dead, leaving only Sam still alive. They conclude Mr. Pink planned on framing Sam and killing the others. This isn’t over. Mr. Sirocco is bound to make another attempt on Tyrell and no one, including Sam and her new lover Cruiser, are safe.

I kept getting the names Chance and Cruiser confused. It could just be me, but I'm easily confused by characters with names that start with the same letter, and they're both unusual names with the same flavor, for lack of a better word. Just a consideration.
« Last Edit: February 22, 2019, 10:42:10 PM by kaperton » Logged
quent_aron
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« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2019, 02:11:19 PM »

Kaperton,

Excellent catches. I feel like I should have caught a number of those myself considering how many times I've read it.


EMERY CLARK, former spy and Wolf’s longtime lover, is debriefing Roman Burk on the three people suspected of trying to sell Tyrell’s secrets. The briefing ends when Burk gets a call informing him of trouble at Tyrell’s headquarters. Mr. Sirocco, his predecessor and rival, is behind it. He orders Emery under house arrest and unofficially expects her to sneak out of his compound to help the unit. I'm confused about the "unofficially expects"--does he want her to sneak out or just knows she probably will? Emery assumes her cover persona of Janet Mills, knowing two of Burk’s Omega guards are following her.

Burk knows she will sneak out and he wants her too, however because of his position he needs to be able to deny any knowledge of her doing so. It's confusing because they live in a grey ops shadow world.


When Cruiser and Sam are nearly caught by Tyrell’s security, Cruiser hides Sam and tells her to stay put no matter what. He can’t stand the idea of not being able to protect a women woman because he adores his adopted sister and niece. This phrasing is a little odd. He loves his sister and niece so he wants to protect all women? If he had a brother he loved, would he want to protect all men? A fight breaks out. With Cruiser outnumbered and losing, Sam leaves her hiding spot. She's not going to let her hero How is he her hero? From how you described it, she did as much as he did. A woman referring to a man as her hero sounds pretty old-fashioned. get hurt. They gain the upper hand as POINDEXTER MILROSE and Wolf arrive. Injured with the bad guys closing in, they finally make it to the cabin. Wolf and Dex, the weapons and electronics expert, take to the woods to keep the security and police forces away while Cruiser tends to their injuries.

Cruiser has a very black and white view of women. He either loves and will die for them or he has no use for them. He is arguably in love with his adopted sister and has somewhat of a father role with his niece. This was meant to show that he has an abnormal relationship with his sister and feeds into the story arch and his emotional arch as we go along.

I agree with your comment about Sam doing as much as Cruiser. However, in her eyes, he is her hero for saving her and this goes back to her childhood where nobody could be bothered with her, including her parents.

 Cruiser may be forced to accept that there’s more to Sam than pigtails and polka dotted panties. This phrase is creepy. A lot of women hate the word panties. Coupled with pigtails, it gives a childish vibe, which is icky for someone he's attracted to.

This is the asshole part of Cruiser's perspective coming out. The intent wasn't creepy, it should be dismissive. However, Sam is very innocent in her own right, which is part of Cruiser's attraction. Now I'm at odds with whether I succeeded or failed with this sentence.

Thanks again. I will be making a lot of these changes for sure. Contemplating how to address the rest.

Quent
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