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Author Topic: What a Loser! - YA Contemporary  (Read 268 times)
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Picture of Me and one of the Twins (Chloe)

« on: December 13, 2018, 03:19:58 PM »

Hi guys, trying a different voice and starting point for this...   does this work, if so why or why not?

The first time I tried to commit suicide was in the Seventh grade.  It had been a horrible day of verbal bullying on a field trip which followed me all the way back to the school. I’d been experiencing this since fourth grade, but for some reason, be it the dreary day, the shove that sent a foot crashing into a puddle or the judgmental stares everyone in class seemed to turn on me with each insult I didn’t defend, something in me just gave. The slight pattering of rain gathered in the short crop of my hair and made my head feel dirty all the way home, a grimy feeling that pushed its way into my soul on the back of the insults that still circled my head.

“The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.”

-Douglas Adams, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

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« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2018, 09:57:29 AM »

Hi, the scene is really well done. I'm right there with him (her?)
I think what is not working is the voice. No kid would use the word verbal. Or the passive voice (sent a foot crashing). Try to imagine your character recounting the day in his/ her head, and write it from that POV.

Good luck!
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