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Author Topic: first paragraph of LOVE FEASTS: A Memoir of Dumplings--and Divorce  (Read 595 times)
helenfaller
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« on: October 04, 2018, 02:42:45 PM »

I hauled the stroller up the steps and wheeled it over to a greasy table. At the counter I ordered nine fat, homestyle jiaozi and sat down to wait. As I stared blankly out the window, my eyes came to rest on a pair of meth heads, their ruined faces softened by oily smears on the plate glass. One scratched and grimaced, revealing naked gums. The other gawked at a couple of women bouncing down the street with yoga mats and disposable cups from Save the World Café.
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vivaviolet
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« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2018, 01:34:10 PM »

Hi, Helen. Is this coming from a judge-y character? That's what I'm getting. You could cut the "staring blankly" and "eyes resting" for a tighter POV. So...

Outside the window, a pair of meth heads...

I like the contrast between the stroller and the greasy table / meth head environment.
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Miss Plum
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« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2018, 09:25:50 AM »

I like it.

The one element I can't quite "see" is "ruined faces softened by oily smears." Don't know exactly what that means, but I think I'd lose at least one adjective, since you've got faces that are both softened and ruined. But overall I find it quite evocative as to setting and character.
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Falthor
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Picture of Me and one of the Twins (Chloe)


« Reply #3 on: November 23, 2018, 01:55:54 PM »

I have a decent feel for this scene and although the POV seems like a negative person I'm intrigued here.  I feel like you've written about a new mom stopping at a McDonalds in the downtown area near the not so nice part of town.

I can almost smell the scene.  well done.
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Alisun
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« Reply #4 on: December 22, 2018, 09:51:21 AM »

Love the first paragraph and that title. I want to read it! Unfortunately I don't think I have any critiques. Except maybe add in some smells? I feel like there are some strong smells in the air. It's all visual. Or else a sound maybe? But overall well done! Oh, and I did like ruined faces softened,  but the greasy and oily may be too much. Perhaps get rid of oily, but I did like the juxtaposition of ruined faces softened, personally.
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rivergirl
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« Reply #5 on: December 22, 2018, 03:34:43 PM »

Title is great. The first para. needs work.

I hauled the stroller up the steps and wheeled it over to a greasy table. I'm not seeing this picture at all. are you at a table or a counter? At the counter I ordered nine fat, homestyle jiaozi and sat down to wait. As I stared blankly out the window, you can't stare blankly and observe surroundings at the same time. It's imperative this feels true. my eyes came to rest on a pair of meth heads, their ruined faces softened by oily smears on the plate glass. If she's seeing the oil on the glass, it appears she's looking at the back of their heads. if this is the case, she wouldn't be able to observe the rest. One scratched and grimaced, revealing naked gums. Scratched what? The other gawked at a couple of women bouncing down the street with yoga mats and disposable cups from Save the World Café. "Yoga mats" says it all. get too wordy and invest too much in unimportant characters it interferes with the very important flow.

Overall this para. needs more description and I'd love to be in your characters head. so far this is just bland observations from the MC. Does she look at disgust at the junkies? Is she looking forward to eating her jiaozi's? (whatever those are. I don't mind not knowing) Is there a kid in that stroller. Is she exhausted? I know there's probably a lot more details in the coming paragraphs, but the first para is so important! I fear an agent wouldn't get past this.
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