QueryTracker Community
February 21, 2019, 01:53:21 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News:
 
   Home   Help Search Login Register  
Note: This forum uses different usernames and passwords than those of the main QueryTracker site. 
Please register if you want to post messages.

This forum is also accessible by the public (including search engines).
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: memoir: How A Mother Got Her Ink  (Read 1161 times)
Alisun
Newbie
*

Karma: 2
Offline Offline

Posts: 23


« on: December 22, 2018, 09:58:50 AM »

Thanks in advance for any and all feedback!

In a weird way, my mother kicking me out at 14 enabled me to realize my dream quicker. If I hadn’t had to work to survive throughout high school, I might not have been able to save up for my trip around the world four months after graduating. But it also didn’t hurt that I couldn’t remember ever wanting anything except to travel around the world, as far and wide as possible.
Logged
rivergirl
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 200
Offline Offline

Posts: 1003



« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2018, 03:47:42 PM »

In a weird way, my mother kicking me out at age fourteen 14 save the numbers for scientific termsenabled me to realize my dream quickermore quickly. pretty sure an adverb is needed here to describe the realization which is a verb. please double check. If I hadn’t had to work to survive throughout high school, I might not have been able to save up for my trip around the world four months after graduating. But it also didn’t hurt that I couldn’t remember ever wanting anything except to travel around the world, as far and wide as possible. It didn't hurt that all i ever wanted was to travel the world as far and wide as possible. (makes for a smoother read. personal preference)

This isn't bad but it can be so much better. Is there anyway you can put more drama in this first para? maybe focusing on getting kicked out at fourteen? That's pretty brutal and would keep an agent reading. When I was fourteen years old, a tablespoon of powdered milk and a glass of water constituted breakfast.. this of course isn't right, but it sparks interest (i think) and invites the reader to keep going. Maybe the strong opening can be your character in Greece (or wherever) at the age of fourteen. She's frightened but determined
Logged
Alisun
Newbie
*

Karma: 2
Offline Offline

Posts: 23


« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2018, 11:42:00 AM »

Thank you rivergirl!
This paragraph is intentionally more informational than narrative because the story is not at all about being kicked out or living on the streets (or anything that happened in high school). The story really starts with the mentioned trip around the world. But at some point I realized I needed some more context to help set up the conflict, which is really (to come) between the MC's intense desire to travel (which is why I threw in some info to try to show how badly she wants it) and her priorities as a parent. (Well, I say her but it's memoir so it's just me).

Does this work better as an opener? It's where I originally started before I added in a chapter of back knowledge:

Those months when I was a newlywed were dark times. We were married just before my 6-month Indian visa expired, so I had to leave my love very soon after we wed. I moved on to Eastern Europe to keep my commitment to work in a Romanian orphanage. I flew in to Turkey, where I tasted roasted chestnuts (not as good as they sound!), explored the Hagia Sofia and Topkapi Palace, and was generously guided by a taxi driver through some secret ruins of a lonely tower prison with torturous open cells where the only escape was hurling one’s self onto the rocky floor beneath. On the long train ride to Romania, I shared a cabin with a family (or a group of people passing themselves off as family) of booze smugglers who interrupted my sleep every so often to extract bottles hidden under the wood compartment covered by the vinyl pillows upon which I attempted to rest my weary body. 
Logged
Alisun
Newbie
*

Karma: 2
Offline Offline

Posts: 23


« Reply #3 on: December 24, 2018, 04:53:41 PM »

A completely different option (based on feedback I got from the first 5 pages forum):
Comparative feedback (which is best/ grabs you more) especially appreciated!


That morning I had gone to the credit union as soon as it opened. I withdrew exactly $2,790 in cash. Then I put the envelopes (so much cash required two envelopes) in my backpack and boarded the bus to head across town to my travel agent. It was the beginning of everything, everything I’d been planning for months, everything I’d been dreaming of for years. Ever since I knew about dreams. I looked out the window, I’d never seen sunlight so sparkly, the sky was a blue that you just wanted to swim in. I left the travel agent’s home office that day with a book of tickets: Denver to Los Angeles to Tokyo to Auckland to Sydney to Bangkok to Delhi to Istanbul, then I would train to Bucharest, where I would pick up my flight path to Cairo to Accra to London to Barbuda, Antigua in the Caribbean to Lima (via Miami) and finally back to Colorado, one year later. I had jobs and volunteer gigs set up along the way and had meticulously planned my budget to stay within the total of $8,100 I had saved. I’d even created mini guidebooks for each destination based on my research, completed for my senior project to graduate high school, with phrasebooks for each new language I would encounter.
Logged
rivergirl
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 200
Offline Offline

Posts: 1003



« Reply #4 on: December 24, 2018, 09:38:58 PM »

That morning I had gone to the credit union as soon as it opened. I withdrew exactly $2,790 in cash. Then I put the envelopes (so much cash required two envelopes) in my backpack and boarded the bus to head across town to my travel agent. It was the beginning of everything, everything I’d been planning for months, everything I’d been dreaming of for years. Ever since I knew about dreams. I looked out the window, I’d never seen sunlight so sparkly, the sky was a blue that you just wanted to swim in. I left the travel agent’s home office that day with a book of tickets: Denver to Los Angeles to Tokyo to Auckland to Sydney to Bangkok to Delhi to Istanbul, then I would train to Bucharest, where I would pick up my flight path to Cairo to Accra to London to Barbuda, Antigua in the Caribbean to Lima (via Miami) and finally back to Colorado, one year later. (figure out a way to shorten this travel log. It's hard to read) I had jobs and volunteer gigs set up along the way and had meticulously planned my budget to stay within the total of $8,100 I had saved. I’d even created mini guidebooks for each destination based on my research, completed for my senior project to graduate high school, with phrasebooks for each new language I would encounter.

Oh, this is so much stronger than the original version!
Logged
kaperton
Sr. Member
****

Karma: 19
Offline Offline

Posts: 142


« Reply #5 on: December 25, 2018, 12:28:10 PM »

I like this better, too! If there is any way to work a sentence about your mother into the first few sentences, that would be even better, I think. Because, although it's unusual enough that you're traveling the world in a year, it makes it even more unusual if you can work an evil mother into the mix Smiley
I'm thinking something along the lines of,"everything I'd been dreaming of for years--ever since I knew about dreams. When my mother kicked me out at age fourteen, she only made me work harder to achieve it."


That morning I had gone went to the credit union as soon as it opened. I withdrew exactly $2,790 in cash. Then I put the envelopes (so much cash required two envelopes) in my backpack and boarded the bus to head across town to my travel agent. It was the beginning of everything, everything I’d been planning for months, everything I’d been dreaming of for years. [Personally, I'd put an em-dash here instead of a period.] Ever since I knew about dreams. I looked out the window. [period or semicolon] I’d never seen sunlight so sparkly; [semicolon] the sky was a blue that you just wanted to swim in. I left the travel agent’s home office that day with a book of tickets: Denver to Los Angeles to Tokyo to Auckland to Sydney to Bangkok to Delhi to Istanbul, then I would train to Bucharest, where I would pick up my flight path to Cairo to Accra to London to Barbuda, Antigua in the Caribbean to Lima (via Miami) and finally back to Colorado, one year later. I had jobs and volunteer gigs set up along the way and had meticulously planned my budget to stay within the total of $8,100 I had saved. I’d even created mini guidebooks for each destination based on my research, completed for my senior project to graduate high school, with phrasebooks for each new language I would encounter.

Logged
Alisun
Newbie
*

Karma: 2
Offline Offline

Posts: 23


« Reply #6 on: December 27, 2018, 06:22:41 PM »

Oh thank you both so much! Really appreciate you taking the time to provide feedback :-)
Logged
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.2 | SMF © 2006-2007, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!