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Author Topic: Echoes in the Fire - YA Fantasy/Adventure - New Attempt  (Read 198 times)
Alrune
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« on: February 11, 2019, 06:51:12 PM »

attn agent,

Rain’s world is home to 8 races of people as different from each other as dog breeds to us. She is a rare hybrid, a teenager raised in a society where she never felt she belonged.

War comes to the gates of her home city, and Rain is caught between two powerful beings wielding magic she only knew existed in stories. With his dying breath, the King entrusts Rain with his powers – the frightening ability to compel all kinds of metal.

At the threat of death, Rain is forced to prove she is worthy of the forbidden magic to The Immortal Queen, ruler of Dawnwatch, and her only child Prince Jaris, who is relentless in his search for revenge against the mysterious Pirate King who murdered his father.

Rain’s adventure takes her from dark poisonous forests, to haunted deserts, to the criminal underworld, and to the deep recesses where the secret truth of the origin of magic – and her world – are buried. She must find her place in it if she’s going to find out how to save it.


Echoes in the Fire by Blank Blank, is an epic Fantasy/Adventure. The novel is complete and stands alone at 155,000 words, the first of a proposed trilogy titled The War of the Forgotten Prince.

I haven't revisited my Query in a while. I thought I would start fresh without looking at my old one. Brutal criticism is welcome.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2019, 03:16:31 AM by Alrune » Logged
kaperton
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« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2019, 01:33:22 PM »

attn Dear agent,

Rain’s world is home to 8 eight races of people as different from each other as dog breeds to us. This dog breeds thing is kind of off-putting. Something about comparing races to dogs doesn't sit right with me. Can you come up with something else? She is a rare hybrid, a teenager raised in a society where she has never felt she belonged.

War comes to the gates of her home city, and Rain is caught between two powerful beings wielding magic she only knew existed in stories. Is it worth saying who the two powerful beings are? I assumed you were going to explain who they were, but then you drop it. With his dying breath, the King entrusts Rain with his powers – the frightening ability to compel all kinds of metal.

At the threat of death, Rain is forced to prove she is worthy of the forbidden magic to The Immortal Queen, ruler of Dawnwatch, and her only child Prince Jaris, who is relentless in his search for revenge against the mysterious Pirate King who murdered his father. I'm unsure what the revenge against his father's killer has to do with anything. Also, if she has this great ability, why does she have to answer to anyone?

Rain’s adventure Why is she on an adventure? I feel like I'm missing an important part of the plot.takes her from dark poisonous forests, to haunted deserts, to the criminal underworld, and to the deep recesses where the secret truth of the origin of magic – and her world – are buried. She must find her place in it if she’s going to find out how to save it.


Echoes in the Fire by Blank Blank You sign the letter - you don't need to say your name here., is an epic Fantasy/Adventure. The novel is complete and stands alone at 155,000 words, the first of a proposed trilogy titled The War of the Forgotten Prince.

I haven't revisited my Query in a while. I thought I would start fresh without looking at my old one. Brutal criticism is welcome.


You're going to have a tough time finding someone willing to take on a YA of that length. I would bet most agents would take a look at that word count and say "no way."
« Last Edit: February 12, 2019, 01:34:54 PM by kaperton » Logged
Pineapplejuice
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« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2019, 01:40:47 AM »

attn agent,

Rain’s world is home to 8 races of people as different from each other as dog breeds to us. She is a rare hybrid, a teenager raised in a society where she never felt she belonged.
( Try to hook the reader here. You might be saying what is factual to your book but it's not unique for a fantasy novel. Try to start with something that will intrigue )

War comes to ( this is vague and passive ) the gates of her home city, and Rain is caught ( vague and passive )  between two powerful beings wielding magic she only knew existed in stories. With his dying breath, the King entrusts Rain with his powers – the frightening ability to compel all kinds of metal. ( Why does he do that? Why to Rain? )

At the threat of death, ( From who? Why? It's vague ) Rain is forced ( passive ) to prove she is worthy of the forbidden magic to The Immortal Queen, ruler of Dawnwatch, ( Why must she do this? )  and her only child Prince Jaris, who is relentless in his search for revenge against the mysterious Pirate King who murdered his father. ( Seems irrelevantly distracting from main plot )

Rain’s adventure takes her ( passive ) from dark poisonous forests, to haunted deserts, to the criminal underworld, and to the deep recesses where the secret truth of the origin of magic – and her world – are buried. ( I have no idea why she is on an adventure. ) She must find her place in it if she’s going to find out how to save it. ( I feel like I missed something. What is she trying to save? )


Echoes in the Fire by Blank Blank, is an epic Fantasy/Adventure. The novel is complete and stands alone at 155,000 words, the first of a proposed trilogy titled The War of the Forgotten Prince.

I haven't revisited my Query in a while. I thought I would start fresh without looking at my old one. Brutal criticism is welcome.


Try to make your MC sound proactive. She comes across like a leaf who is blown from one vague plot point to another.
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