It could've been worse: Fictional Rejections

[aaronbstarr]

As a sort of counterpart to the Fictional Query section, and to sooth the souls of those tormented by their rejection letters, I hereby open this thread, for submission of fictional rejections that will make people feel better about their own.

[aaronbstarr]

Dear Mr. Crabs,

I must regretfully inform you that your manuscript, EMMA'S DILEMMA, is not a fit four our agency at this time.  Further, I'd like to add that it won't be a fit for our agency at any point in the future.  I'd also venture to say that it is unlikely to be a fit anywhere with anyone.

To be clear, the writing is so lyrically awful, and the plotting so deviously simplistic and obvious, that I read through the first 400 pages in the first night.  Frankly, I couldn't put your manuscript down, but only because I was powerless to stop the mental agony, and was in a slack-jawed stupor until dawn, when my contact lenses finally dried out on my eyes and fell out, permitting merciful blurriness to obscure your writing.

I don't want to sound negative, but feel the need to be specific about the quality of suffering your writing inflicts.  I have, for instance, discovered that using your manuscript to deliver paper cuts to my tongue is far more enjoyable than reading what you've authored.  I have taken the liberty of wadding up the individual pages of your manuscript in order to more easily swallow them, and the garbage bag of semi-digested paper pellets I've returned with this letter must serve as a critique, and one which I urge you to heed.

In closing, please stop before you do real damage.

In the name of all humanity,

Agent Rosy

[MaryL]

Dear writer:

Your book sucks. This is a subjective business and another agent my think differently.  Thank you for allowing the Honesty Literary Agency to review your work. 

Sincerely,

[luctari]

Dear Writer,

You will note from our web site that it is our policy only to respond to writers in whom we are interested, and I do have an interest in you.  I have an interest in ensuring that your never darken our inbox, or the inbox of any other agent, with such pointless effluvium again.  It is my fervent hope that typing effluvium into dictionary.com is your last interaction with a keyboard.  If you ever make another submission to this agency, it not only will be deleted without being read, but the server will be removed, ground into dust, and scattered in the East River in hopes that we may escape contamination by whatever dark forces have convinced you that you should be doing anything other than flipping burgers. 

True, this is a subjective business, but subjectivity stretches only so far.  Some people like Hemmingway, some people prefer Fitzgerald.  But nobody liked the Black Death, and you have created its literary equivalent.

[MaryL]

It is my fervent hope that typing effluvium into dictionary.com is your last interaction with a keyboard. 

    Brilliant.

[Starwise]

Dear Writer,

Upon reading your submission, it's become evident to me that your words from page 2 to page 3 has in me awakened Gonorrhea. I suddenly feel a wave of dread come over me as if the Apocalypse has arrived to steal away any bit of sanity we agents might have; and it is clear that your story can only be somewhat clearly understood on a state line between any two states in America. Any effort to read your work in Alabama, Arkansas, Louisiana or Missouri would cause my eyes to bleed and spontaneously equip me with the knowledge to speak Portuguese to a skunk. To read your work in California would morph me into a man-vegetable in which when married I'd have little baby cucumbers with feet running around and then being eaten by giant guinea pigs (the giant guinea pigs would be the result of agents trying to read your work in Wisconsin).

In essence, anywhere, any time, even on the Vega Star millions of light years away--your submission would more likely, and better off, spontaneously combust than be read from start to finish. I pray for your soul. Better yet, your work would need my prayers more than you. So I pray for your work to die peacefully, silently. Forever. Not right for me.

Sincerely,
Sinz Eerily

[newday11]

  Good to hear from you starwise!

Dear Mr. xxxx,
     Your communication with us show you know nothing about the book business. Your story is contrived and follows a well know pattern of amateurish writting. This is your fifth time to contact us. Please do not contact us again.

XXX Agency

PS: This is before I knew about P&E and he wanted money. It was also when I wrote the book fiction (faction) and not my current NF version.

[tradergirl]

Newday-- that was a GENUINE response?  Yikes!

Anne Lamott once wrote that she received a rejection like this:  "You have made the mistake of thinking that everything that happens to you is interesting."  Ouch.

Also, in the middle of Ian McEwan's "Atonement" there's a fictional rejection letter that is just hysterical.

Good times.

T.G.

[newday11]

  Yes TG, only it was over the phone when I first started. He was some guy who noted all his celeb contacts, such as Bill Cosby. I said I was new and he told me Bill said not to do this for free. newday11

[Coldfeet]

Luctari, you're my new hero.  The last paragraph is perfection.  I bow before you

Karma for providing much needed laughter.

Dear Writer,

You will note from our web site that it is our policy only to respond to writers in whom we are interested, and I do have an interest in you.  I have an interest in ensuring that your never darken our inbox, or the inbox of any other agent, with such pointless effluvium again.  It is my fervent hope that typing effluvium into dictionary.com is your last interaction with a keyboard.  If you ever make another submission to this agency, it not only will be deleted without being read, but the server will be removed, ground into dust, and scattered in the East River in hopes that we may escape contamination by whatever dark forces have convinced you that you should be doing anything other than flipping burgers. 

True, this is a subjective business, but subjectivity stretches only so far.  Some people like Hemmingway, some people prefer Fitzgerald.  But nobody liked the Black Death, and you have created its literary equivalent.

[YukonMike]

Dear Mr. XXXX

I'd like to thank you for submitting your manuscript. I laughed non stop! It's one of the funniest things I have ever read!

Too bad your crappy, mistake-filled book is suppose to be a tear-jerking love story.

Please quit writing. You are horrible.

Regards, F.U. Buddy