Witch Eyes - YA Urban Fantasy Draft

[Legionsynch]

Step one in the ultimate query that no one wants to reject.  Finish writing query before the novels even done.  Then revise about a million times until said novel IS done. ;) 

What do you think?

I am seeking representation for my YA urban fantasy novel, WITCH EYES (75,000 words).  [[Blurbs why I chose this agent in here.]] 

When Braden was born, doctors assumed he was already blind.  But he can see – sometimes too well.  Braden’s strangely luminescent eyes perceive too much: traces of old magic, remnants of dark emotions, and visions of history.  But this sight inflicts powerful migraines that fracture mind and health alike, and will eventually kill him.  Doctors have described it an intense allergy to sunlight, but he knows the truth.  He is a freak.

When Braden steps into Springfield after months on the run and with nowhere left to go, he uncovers a powder-keg of rivalry and intrigue.  What he uncovers there may hold the answers to the mysterious fire that claimed his uncle’s life, why the two of them lived on the run, and the nature of his curse.  The town is strangled between an old war of dark magicks between two rival families.  While the Lansings draw him in through friendship, and a link to an ancestor born with the same eye condition; it is to Jason Thorpe, his father, and Thorpe’s manipulative lawyer that Braden finds himself inextricably bound to.   Even his new friends are on opposite sides of the war, pushing at him from both directions.  When Braden meets Trey, older and much more confident, he dreams of someone that can help keep the madness at bay.  But Trey’s allegiance is to his family – the family that Braden now finds himself at odds with. 

All Braden desires is to be ordinary, but between igniting the old war into new life, loving the wrong person, and trying to conceal the truth from everyone else, he struggles to be his own person and decide his own future.  Instinct tells him to run, but he has a life full of running under his belt, and everything he covets is already in Springfield.  Every time the glasses come off, Braden must confront the truth, the one thing he cannot run from.

[joanjunkmail]

When Braden was born, doctors assumed he was already blind.  But he can can see – sometimes too well.  Braden’s strangely luminescent eyes perceive too much: traces of old magic, remnants of dark emotions, and visions of history.  But this sight inflicts powerful migraines that fracture mind and health alike, and will eventually kill him.  Doctors have described it an intense allergy to sunlight, but he Braden knows the truth.  He is a freak.

When Braden steps into Springfield after months on the run and with nowhere left to go, he uncovers a powder-keg (perhaps a better word or phrase - can't think of one, myself, since I don't know the magical/paranormal lexicon, but 'powderkeg' strikes me as a term used in Westerns) of rivalry and intrigue.  The town is strangled between an old war of dark magicks between two rival families. What he uncovers there (where?  a home, a business, a field?  'there' is too vague) may hold the answers to the mysterious fire that claimed his uncle’s life, why the two of them lived on the run, and the nature of his curse.  The town is strangled between an old war of dark magicks between two rival families.  While the Lansings (who are the Lansings?  Is it in their house that Braden discovered the powderkeg?  If so, they should be mentioned in that sentence, first, before appearing mid-paragraph) draw him in through friendship, and a link to an ancestor born with the same eye condition;, it is to Jason Thorpe, his father, and Thorpe’s manipulative lawyer that Braden finds himself inextricably bound to.   Even his new friends are on opposite sides of the war, pushing at him from both directions.  When Braden meets Trey (Thorpe?  Lansing? another family?), older and much more confident, he dreams of someone that can help keep the madness at bay.  But Trey’s allegiance is to his family – the family that Braden now finds himself at odds with. 

All Braden desires is to be ordinary, but his abilities won't allow it.   He struggles to be his own person and decide his own futurebut between igniting the old war into new life, loving the wrong person, and trying to conceal the truth from everyone else, (insert a phrase about his inability.) he struggles to be his own person and decide his own future. Instinct tells him to run, but he has a life full of running under his belt, and everything he covets is already in Springfield.  Every time the glasses come off, Braden must confront the truth, the one thing he cannot run from.

great job - I'm dying of curiousity - sounds like a great read!

[Legionsynch]

See, this is exactly what I need.  Karma for you, oh helpful one!

[joanjunkmail]

my pleasure - although I think you should get input from a successful partial-request-getter, too, since i have no idea about how to stylize a query.  my 'help' (for what it's worth) is just about clarifying the plot, not about the letter itself.

[justwrite]

Hey, Lege...I'll weigh in later. Sounds good, but i think we need to trim. Sounds like our MC's should get to know each other! They are both Freaks!

[coll]

I'm writing a freak story too, it's called Death Ears. -Coll


I am seeking representation for my 75,000 word, YA urban fantasy novel, WITCH EYES.  [[Blurbs why I chose this agent in here.]]

     When Braden was born, doctors assumed he was blind at birth.  But he can see – more than the average person.  Braden’s strangely luminescent eyes can perceive traces of old magic, remnants of dark emotions, and visions of past history.  These visions come with a price, powerful migraines that fracture both his mind and his health--- and, could eventually kill him.  Doctors described his condition as an intense allergy to sunlight, but Braden knows the truth.  He is a freak.

After months on the run, and with nowhere left to go, Branden uncovers a guarded family secret.  What he uncovers may hold the answers to the mysterious fire that claimed his uncle’s life, why the two of them lived on the run, and the nature of his cursed sight.  His ancestral home is strangled by an old war of dark magic between two rival families. 

I think you you needed to trim quite a bit--don't get too involved in telling the particulars--just the overall story.

Question--is he physically blind but has extra sensory eyesight only or did the docs just assume he was blind because of his strange looking eyes?

[Jessica V.]

Great, great job Coll. I think you nailed it here by summarizing everything extremely well yet still asking the important questions. My main thoughts when I read this query were: 1) a bit too long, try to condense - so check, 2) Why did the doctors assume he was blind? - I think still needs to be addressed somehow and 3) What about 'the glasses coming off'? Where did they come into play? - this part is okay now since in Coll's version, that never even comes up.

I think the length of this query is perfect too. The 'main' section of mine was two paragraphs long - exactly like this. Good luck with this one, I think it's a keeper!
---Jessica V.
 

[Legionsynch]

I'm going to trim and try tightening it up a bit, but probably won't get to that for a few days.  Stupid work, interfering with my not-stupid work.

To clarify, yes, the doctors thought he would have been blind due to the look of his eyes.  They're a unique manifestation of his ability to see things he shouldn't, a la the title Witch Eyes.   Think like a real ice blue colored eye that almost look like they're shimmering.  Like when your eyes water?

Does that make sense?  Man, I sure hope so.  Because if I can't describe the EYES right, then I'm pretty screwed for the rest of the book, huh?

[audal]

OK, I showed up late to this thread (kool-aid often results in a lack of direction and an ability to wander to wander to wander to wander to wander ...).

I do like the suggestions by the help-squad, though... and I'll be sure to stop by for what I imagine will be your final draft of the letter?

They're right, though.  Short & sharp.  You'll sort it out, I'm sure.

[elknutswife]

A little late also, but it looks like you've got a lot of good suggestions going.  I'll stop by for the revise 

[bob414bob]

Hi,
   I'm new here so sorry if this is a bit late. I noticed a couple of places where you have repeated words.

When Braden steps into Springfield after months on the run and with nowhere left to go, he uncovers a powder-keg of rivalry and intrigue.  What he uncovers ( maybe try discovered)there may hold the answers to the mysterious fire that claimed his uncle’s life, why the two of them lived on the run, and the nature of his curse. 
   I would also start this paragraph with, Braden arrived in Springfield after months on the run, and with nowhere left to go.


Also, I'm not sure if you should choose Springfield as the name of your town, it's in The Simpsons and makes me think of Hommar. Sorry.

[elknutswife]

Ha!  Good point bob!  That name sounded so familiar to me and I couldn't think of why.  Yep, it's the Simpsons 

[joanjunkmail]

yeah, but isn't the reason it's in the simpsons because it's such a common name it could be placed anywhere, kinda like main street?  it's nondescript AND people can 'relate' to it, in the sense that they see themselves in the town.  that strikes me as a good thing.

[justwrite]

Why mention the name of the town at all? Coll did a good job slimming it down. Post again and I'll weigh in. I'm not the greatest query writer even though I seem to have a great query. I owe that to my critmate.

Lege, why not describe the eyes a bit better? Why even mention he's blind if he's not? I'd emphasize the freak angle..

[Legionsynch]

I'll post a revised copy (thanks to all the SOOPER helpful comments I've gotten so far) later today once I'm done rewriting (and working on the story itself, of course).

Joan - you hit the nail on the head with the name.  That's exactly why I chose that particular name for the setting.  I was trying to create a sort of small town 'anywhere' vibe.