"Them Bones" A Suspense Novel

[Mercyone]

Chapter One

    Jordan and Erin liked going to the gym when the place is empty. They went into one of the larger room where they hold aerobic classes. They always started with stretching and strengthening exercises using wrists and ankles weights. When done with the exercises they would transition into their ka’ta. The ka'ta routine allows students to apply and understand the fighting techniques used against an opponent.
 Students would train with a partner to perform pre-arranged counters such as strikes, throws, take-downs, and joint manipulation. Jordan and Erin completed each strike, block, and step at quarter speed in order to gain the maximum benefit of their gear.
Jordan snapped a leg at Erin’s stomach, she gave a grunt and glanced at Jordan who wriggled her eyebrows and grinned. The two women circled each other bouncing lightly on the balls of their feet.
    Erin shifted her weight to her front foot dropped down low to the ground; spun, and with left leg extended whipped it around knocking Jordan’s legs out from under her. She stood up and quickly closed in on Jordan, raised her leg and bought it down but Jordan rolled out of harm’s way.
    Jordan put her hands on either side of her head then lifted both legs and jumped to her feet, and exclaimed. “That spinning heel kick was beautiful. Got any more tricks up your sleeve kiddeo?”


     Erin bowed at the compliment then threw a quick jab and a cross, Jordan diverted them using the fleshy part of her palms, and punched her in the ribs, shot out a kick clipping her on the other side. Not giving her time to recover, she stepped in close and knocked her arms apart, and slapped both hands to her chest. As Erin started to fall, she instinctively grabbed Jordan’s wrists.
     The sisters weren't expecting anyone for another hour so were surprised when they heard voices. When the gym members saw them, they believed the sisters were fighting and two of the men rushed over grabbed Jordan around the arms in a bear hug, and lifted her off, while the other one helped Erin up. Erin took in everything at a glance including her sister being held she glanced up at her would be hero. “Tell him to let her go now before he gets hurt.”
     Jordan, unable to move her arms raised her leg and bought her heel down on his instep.
     When the man cried out, Erin said. “Never mind.”
     Erin heard a noise coming from somewhere behind her rescuer. She peered around him and saw a third man leaning against the wall trying not to laugh.
     He shot a look at the laughing man and snapped. “Hey man, instead of laughing your head off you wanna come give us a hand here.”
     “Uh uh, and get my ass kicked too no thanks.”
     When her champion made a move to go to his friend’s aid, she cut him off. “You’re going to have to go through me and it won’t be easy.”
     “What the hell are you doing, we just saved you from getting a beat down?”
     Erin’s eyes widened in surprised. “We weren't fighting, we were sparring.”
     “How the **** we suppose to know that. Looked like the two of you were fighting.”
    Jordan looked him in the eye and said. “Next time say something before you lay hands on someone.”
    “Go to hell.”
    “No need to get nasty, granted, you thought you were doing the right thing, but I was only defending myself after all this is a gym and some people spar here.”
    “Thanks for coming to my rescue, but I had her right where I wanted her.” Erin joked trying to ease the tension. “What do you say, no hard feelings?”
    The men shook their hands then left and as the third man was leaving, he winked at Erin who's face reddened.


    “Its official, Chivalry is now dead,” Jordan said.
    “Oh ye have little faith.”
    “That’s because it’s been sucked right out of me.” Then a thought came to her. ”I didn’t expect that last move.”
    Jordan picked up their towels and threw one to her sister, and after drying off, she reached for her water bottle.
    The sisters decided to take a shower at their boarding house where they’ve been staying since they arrived in town.
    “You taught me. Speaking of which, what were you thinking, there’s not supposed to be any contact remember.”
    “I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but when you’re in a real fight your opponent tends to hit for real.”
    “I’m not an idiot Jordan.”
    “Also, I wanted to see how you handle yourself. You kept a cool head, until now anyway.”       “ Not good enough, I’m going to be black and blue all over.”
    “Trust me Kiddeo; it’s getting harder for me to take you down.”
    Erin glanced at her. “Well, you’re a good teacher.”
    “We continue trading compliments like this my sugar will go through the roof. The people you should be complimenting are Max and Cassie. Their fighting techniques are completely different styles but combined, they’re damn near hard to beat.”
   Jordan loosened her jet black hair and ran a brush through it then gathered it up at the base of her neck into a thick handful and tied it with a black cloth band. “I’m going to cut my hair like yours.”
   Erin gave a short laugh. “Yeah, and pigs’ll fly.”
   The boarding house is the biggest house on the street. There used to be two houses which Mercy Flanders purchased, she razed one and extended the other adding more footage. There were now five bedrooms, two more bathrooms, family room, and great room, an office with a computer and fax for the boarders use and a huge kitchen with two stoves, two refrigerators, an island, and a dining room.


    When they reached the porch, Jordan picked up the newspaper when they got inside she handed it to Erin then took off running leaving Erin staring after her with a baffled look. Didn't take long for her to realize Jordan beat her to the shower.
    Erin left the paper on a small table in the hallway and headed upstairs mumbling to herself. “One of these days I’m going to outsmart her.”
    Their bedroom was at the top of the stairs, with its own bathroom, two beds, but only one closet, they may not be traveling with all of their clothes but together they still had more clothes than could fit in it.


   They followed the smell of frying bacon to the kitchen where they found their landlady Mercy Flanders making breakfast for her boarders. “Morning you two, sleep all right?”
   “Like the dead.”
   Mercy grimaced. “Ugh.”
   “Sorry, like a baby and you?”
   “Good thank you, things aren't gonna be the same around here after the two of you move out.”
   “We’ll miss you too, you’re a good friend.”
   “What’s in Santa Monica, work, family, or both?”
   “None of the above and it’s just us.”
   “Well, now you have me and Marty.” Mercy said grasping their hands. “Why can’t you stay in Crescent Valley?”
   “We got our hearts set on living in a house and I honestly don’t believe anyone in their right mind would leave this town willingly or alive come to think. No offense, but I don’t want to be a permanent boarder, tempting as it may be, and I don’t have the patience to build a house.”
   “What kind a house do you want?”
   “Has to have four bedrooms, must be open concept, a huge kitchen, designated office, media and game room, a basement large enough for a gym, a deck and a pool.”
   “Let’s not forget at least a two car garage, safe neighborhood, and a wicked view,” Erin added.
   Marty, one of Mercy’s boarders walked in and looked around the room and when he spotted the newspaper, he snatched it up. “Morning ladies.”
   The women replied in unison. “Good morning Marty.”
   Mercy realized what they had described sounded familiar. “My friend Ida has a house like the one you described over on Lakeview drive, and it’s up for sale.”
   “Why did they move? Is something wrong with the place?”
   “Nothing’s wrong with it they took very good care of their home. Unfortunately, she and Eddie were affected by the economy.”
   “Sorry to hear that.”

[David W]

Okay, I'll give some feedback on this.  You've done a good job of painting the sisters and the relationship between them.  It feels alive, it feels vibrant.  The words your characters are using sound natural and unforced.

But . . . there's a fair amount of technical stuff that needs attention.  I'll just touch on a few broad things:




The ka'ta routine allows students to apply and understand the fighting techniques used against an opponent.
 Students would train with a partner to perform pre-arranged counters such as strikes, throws, take-downs, and joint manipulation. Jordan and Erin completed each strike, block, and step at quarter speed in order to gain the maximum benefit of their gear.  This sounds like it's right out of an encyclopedia or off a website, and it's an info dump.


 Erin bowed at the compliment then threw a quick jab and a cross, Jordan diverted them using the fleshy part of her palms, and punched her in the ribs, shot out a kick clipping her on the other side. Not giving her time to recover, she stepped in close and knocked her arms apart, and slapped both hands to her chest. As Erin started to fall, she instinctively grabbed Jordan’s wrists.
     The sisters weren't expecting anyone for another hour so were surprised when they heard voices. When the gym members saw them, they believed the sisters were fighting and two of the men rushed over grabbed Jordan around the arms in a bear hug, and lifted her off, while the other one helped Erin up. Erin took in everything at a glance including her sister being held she glanced up at her would be hero. “Tell him to let her go now before he gets hurt.”
     Jordan, unable to move her arms raised her leg and bought her heel down on his instep.
     When the man cried out, Erin said. “Never mind.”
     Erin heard a noise coming from somewhere behind her rescuer. She peered around him and saw a third man leaning against the wall trying not to laugh.
     He shot a look at the laughing man and snapped. “Hey man, instead of laughing your head off you wanna come give us a hand here.”
     “Uh uh, and get my ass kicked too no thanks.”
     When her champion made a move to go to his friend’s aid, she cut him off. “You’re going to have to go through me and it won’t be easy.”
     “What the hell are you doing, we just saved you from getting a beat down?”
     Erin’s eyes widened in surprised. “We weren't fighting, we were sparring.”
     “How the **** we suppose to know that. Looked like the two of you were fighting.”
    Jordan looked him in the eye and said. “Next time say something before you lay hands on someone.”
    “Go to hell.”
    “No need to get nasty, granted, you thought you were doing the right thing, but I was only defending myself after all this is a gym and some people spar here.”
    “Thanks for coming to my rescue, but I had her right where I wanted her.” Erin joked trying to ease the tension. “What do you say, no hard feelings?”
    The men shook their hands then left and as the third man was leaving, he winked at Erin who's face reddened.  It gets kind of hard to follow who's doing what and who's talking in this section.  When there's more than one man or woman, tags like "he said" "she said" "the man" -- are all unspecific.  Either use names, or use physical descriptors:  "said the red-headed man" "the man with the glasses looked at Erin"


  The sisters decided to take a shower at their boarding house where they’ve they had.  "They've" is present tense, while the rest of this is past.  And the contraction is unwieldy unless it's in dialogue. been staying since they arrived in town.



“You taught me. Speaking of which, what were you thinking?  There’s not supposed to be any contact, remember?”
    “I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but when you’re in a real fight, your opponent tends to hit for real.”
    “I’m not an idiot, Jordan.”    Punctuation like this could use a bit of a clean-up through the entire piece.  Try reading it aloud.


  "The boarding house is the biggest house on the street. There used to be two houses which Mercy Flanders purchased, she razed one and extended the other adding more footage. There were now five bedrooms, two more bathrooms, family room, and great room, an office with a computer and fax for the boarders use and a huge kitchen with two stoves, two refrigerators, an island, and a dining room." Do we really need to know all this?  It is a big detour from the story.  Maybe just a super brief description of the boarding house.  "They walked up to the big ranch-style boarding house."




   They followed the smell of frying bacon to the kitchen where they found their landlady Mercy Flanders making breakfast for her boarders. “Morning you two, sleep all right?”
   “Like the dead.”
   Mercy grimaced. “Ugh.”
   “Sorry, like a baby and you?”
   “Good thank you, things aren't gonna be the same around here after the two of you move out.”
   “We’ll miss you too, you’re a good friend.”
   “What’s in Santa Monica, work, family, or both?”
   “None of the above and it’s just us.”
   “Well, now you have me and Marty.” Mercy said grasping their hands. “Why can’t you stay in Crescent Valley?”
   “We got our hearts set on living in a house and I honestly don’t believe anyone in their right mind would leave this town willingly or alive come to think. No offense, but I don’t want to be a permanent boarder, tempting as it may be, and I don’t have the patience to build a house.”
   “What kind a house do you want?”
   “Has to have four bedrooms, must be open concept, a huge kitchen, designated office, media and game room, a basement large enough for a gym, a deck and a pool.”
   “Let’s not forget at least a two car garage, safe neighborhood, and a wicked view,” Erin added.  We've just had 14 lines of dialogue, and no clue of which sister was answering questions until now.  Was it Jordan the whole time?  Or were they going back and forth?  You need to use more tags when there's more than two people talking.

[oldbag]

Hi Mercyone,

I don't mean to discourage you, there's some interesting stuff here, but think of this as a rough draft... it needs quite a bit of work.

Regards,
-oldbag

Chapter One

    Jordan and Erin liked going to the gym when the place was empty. They went into one of the larger room where they hold aerobic classes were usually held. They always The two sisters started with stretching and strengthening exercises using wrist and ankle weights. When done with they finished the exercises they would transitioned into their ka’ta. The ka'ta routine allows students to apply and understand the fighting techniques used against an opponent. is a series of stances, blocks and blows strung together to be performed almost like a dance.

 Martial arts students, would trained with a partner to perform pre-arranged counters perfect tactical moves such as strikes, throws, take-downs, and joint manipulation. Jordan and Erin were lucky to be made-to-order partners. completed each strike, block, and step at quarter speed in order to gain the maximum benefit of their gear.
     Jordan snapped a leg at Erin’s stomach.  Erin grunted and noticed that Jordan was wriggling her eyebrows up and down and grinning. , she gave a grunt and glanced at Jordan who wriggled her eyebrows and grinned.

    Erin shifted her weight to her front foot, dropped down low to the ground, spun, and with left leg extended whipped her leg around knocking Jordan’s legs out from under her. She stood up and quickly closed in on Jordan, raised her leg and brought it down, but Jordan rolled out of harm’s way. The two young women circled each other bouncing lightly on the balls of their feet.

    Jordan put her hands on either side of her head then lifted both legs and jumped to her feet, and exclaimed. “That spinning heel kick was beautiful. "Nice kick," said Jordan, "Got any more tricks up your sleeve kiddo?”


     Erin bowed at the compliment then threw a quick jab and a cross, Jordan diverted them using the fleshy part of her palms, and punched Erin in the ribs, and shot out a kick clipping her on the other side. Not giving her time to recover, she stepped in close and knocked her arms apart, and slapped both hands to her chest. As Erin started to fall, she instinctively grabbed Jordan’s wrists.

     The sisters weren't expecting anyone for another hour so were surprised when they heard voices. When the gym members saw them, they believed the sisters were fighting and two of the men rushed over grabbed Jordan around the arms in a bear hug, and lifted her off, while the other one helped Erin up. Erin took in everything at a glance including her sister being held she glanced up at her would be hero. “Tell him to let her go now before he gets hurt.”
     Jordan, unable to move her arms raised her leg and bought her heel down on his instep.
     When the man cried out, Erin said. “Never mind.”
     Erin heard a noise coming from somewhere behind her rescuer. She peered around him and saw a third man leaning against the wall trying not to laugh.
     He shot a look at the laughing man and snapped. “Hey man, instead of laughing your head off you wanna come give us a hand here.”
     “Uh uh, and get my ass kicked too no thanks.”
     When her champion made a move to go to his friend’s aid, she cut him off. “You’re going to have to go through me and it won’t be easy.”
     “What the hell are you doing, we just saved you from getting a beat down?”
     Erin’s eyes widened in surprised. “We weren't fighting, we were sparring.”
     “How the **** we suppose to know that. Looked like the two of you were fighting.”
    Jordan looked him in the eye and said. “Next time say something before you lay hands on someone.”
    “Go to hell.”
    “No need to get nasty, granted, you thought you were doing the right thing, but I was only defending myself after all this is a gym and some people spar here.”
    “Thanks for coming to my rescue, but I had her right where I wanted her.” Erin joked trying to ease the tension. “What do you say, no hard feelings?”
    The men shook their hands then left and as the third man was leaving, he winked at Erin who's face reddened.
This is highly unlikely - girls scream and pull each other's hair when they fight and... THEY"RE IN A GYM

    “Its official, Chivalry is now dead,” Jordan said.
    “Oh ye have little faith.”
    “That’s because it’s been sucked right out of me.” Then a thought came to her. ”I didn’t expect that last move,” said Erin
    Jordan picked up their towels, and threw one to her sister, and after drying off, she reached for her water bottle.
    The sisters decided to take a shower at their boarding house where they’ve been staying since they arrived in town.
    “You taught me. Speaking of which, what were you thinking, there’s not supposed to be any contact remember.”
    “I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but when you’re in a real fight your opponent tends to hit for real.”
    “I’m not an idiot Jordan.”
    “Also, I wanted to see how you handle yourself. You kept a cool head, until now anyway.”       “ Not good enough, I’m going to be black and blue all over.”
    “Trust me kiddo," said Jordan, "It’s getting harder for me to take you down.”
    Erin glanced looked up at her, “Well, you’re a good teacher.”
    “We continue trading compliments like this my sugar will go through the roof. The people you should be complimenting are Max and Cassie. Their fighting techniques are completely different styles but combined, they’re damn near hard to beat.”
   Jordan loosened her jet black hair and ran a brush through it then gathered it up at the base of her neck into a thick handful and tied it with a black cloth band. “I’m going to cut my hair like yours.”
   Erin gave a short laugh. “Yeah, and pigs’ll fly.”

   The boarding house is the biggest house on the street. There used to be two houses which Mercy Flanders purchased, she razed one and extended the other adding more footage. There were now five bedrooms, two more bathrooms, family room, and great room, an office with a computer and fax for the boarders use and a huge kitchen with two stoves, two refrigerators, an island, and a dining room.

   
    They left the gym and walked the two blocks back to the boarding house where they shared a room. When they reached the porch, Jordan picked up the newspaper. When they got inside she handed it to Erin then took off running leaving Erin staring after her with a baffled look. It didn't dn't take long for her Erin to realize that Jordan beat her to the shower. Erin left the paper on a small table in the hallway and headed upstairs mumbling to herself. “One of these days I’m going to outsmart her.”

    Their bedroom was at the top of the stairs, with its own bathroom and two beds, but only one closet. They might not have been traveling with all of their clothes, but together they still had more clothes than could fit in it.


   After they'd finished their showers, they followed the smell of frying bacon to the kitchen where they found their landlady Mercy Flanders making breakfast for her boarders. “Morning you two... Sleep all right?”
   “Like the dead.”(said ?)
   Mercy grimaced. “Ugh.”
   “Sorry, like a baby and you?”
   “Good thank you, things aren't gonna be the same around here after the two of you move out.”
   “We’ll miss you too, you’re a good friend.” (said ?)
   “What’s in Santa Monica, work, family, or both?”
   “None of the above and it’s just us.” said ?
   “Well, now you have me and Marty.” Mercy said grasping their hands. “Why can’t you stay in Crescent Valley?”
   “We got our hearts set on living in a house and I honestly don’t believe anyone in their right mind would leave this town willingly or alive come to think. "No offense, but I don’t want to be a permanent boarder, tempting as it may be," said Jordan, and I don’t have the patience to build a house.”
   “What kind a house do you want?”
   “"Anyway, we need a lot of space - our house has to have four bedrooms - must be open concept - a huge kitchen, designated office, media and game room, a basement large enough for a gym, a deck and a pool.”
   “Let’s not forget at least a two car garage, safe neighborhood, and a wicked view,” Erin added.

   Marty, one of Mercy’s boarders walked in and looked around the room and when he spotted the newspaper, he snatched it up. “Morning ladies.”
   The women replied in unison. “Good morning Marty.”
   Mercy realized what they had described sounded familiar. “My friend Ida has a house like the one you described over on Lakeview drive, and it’s up for sale.”
   “Why did they move? Is something wrong with the place?”
   “Nothing’s wrong with it they took very good care of their home. Unfortunately, she and Eddie were affected by the economy.”
   “Sorry to hear that.”