Request of Query Review

[tm9410]

Max Fried is a retired forensic examiner living his island fantasy when a smooth talking lawyer persuades him to help settle an estate. However, after finishing the job, Max learns someone murdered the client for a missing product prototype. The killer didn’t get it and now thinks Max knows where to find it.This sentence doesn't make Max the driving force of the action. Maybe try something like: The killer is still at large.And the prototype is still missing. or The killer is still at large. And Max has uncovered the only clues that will stop him. Just a couple of ideas.

Max wants to return to his barstool on the beach but the killer is stalking him someone is following him.. After police find an additional victim dead, Max becomes determined to find what the killer wantsthe prototype himself, before anyone else gets hurt.. When he does, he sets a trap and invites the killer to participate in his own capture. Again, this sentence is so passive. The word invites is so polite. I picture him mailing the killer a printed invitation - not very exciting. Maybe we do need to find out more about the trap. What does he use as bait? Try a version with specifics here, and we can edit it down if it doesn't work out. If things go wrong, Max loses the prototype -- and his life.Sarah gave you a great line here above - much more dramatic and exciting.

A DEADLY OCEAN SALE is my completed 62,000-word mystery. Like Max, I worked in computer forensics and have a Florida private investigator's license.


Above are just a few ideas for you to tweak until they fit your ms and put into your own voice if you like. You have some great feedback here. I think a common theme is that Max needs to be the hero, the driving force of the action of the query.
I also think you need to stay away from passive language. This sounds like an exciting book, therefore I would choose exciting, forceful words to tell the story.

This is a frustrating process. Many of us on the board feel that writing the query was harder than writing our books. You've been a trooper. Another great resource is Janet Reid's blog Query Shark. You may want to visit her site and look at some of the queries she has critiqued along with the subsequent revisions before having another go at this one. She's awesome and straight to the point. It's a very helpful site.

Don't give up - keep posting and revising. We'll get this thing right!

Tamara

[MF]

Hi, Tamara,

Great to hear from you again. I'm sorry but it appears you've commented on an older version of my query. Here's the current version.

Thank,
MF

Max Fried is a retired forensic examiner living his island fantasy until a killer starts hunting him to recover a missing product prototype.

A smooth-talking lawyer persuades Max to help settle a client’s estate. Max finishes the job and discovers someone murdered the client for a newly developed computer component. The killer didn’t get it and now thinks Max has it. After police find a second dead body, it becomes clear the killer is murdering people that know about the missing item. Max realizes his best chance for survival is to find the prototype and use it to set a trap. If Max can catch the killer, he can return to his barstool on the beach. If not, he’ll be victim number three.

A DEADLY OCEAN SALE is my completed 62,000-word mystery. Like Max, I worked in computer forensics and have a Florida private investigator's license.

[tm9410]

I don't know how I missed this version.  I like how you've really raised the stakes at the end with the part about being victim number 3. Nice work!!!! I think this one is almost ready to go out into the world!!!!!!!!!!!



A smooth-talking lawyer persuades Max to help settle a client’s estate. Max finishes the job and discovers someone murdered the client for a newly developed computer component.Will the component make him rich? If so, a couple of words could let us know why the killer is after the component. The killer didn’t get it and now thinks Max has it. I'm still not in love with this line, but I know you've had feedback going both ways. In the end you've gone with your gut and that's probably wise.After police find a second dead body, it becomes clear the killer is murdering people that knowI think know about it passive, maybe try connected to. about the missing item. Max realizes his best chance for survival is to find the prototype and use it to set a trap. If Max can catch the killer, he can return to his barstool on the beach. If not, he’ll be victim number three.LOVE the new ending - nice job!!
I think it does a great job conveying what your story is about - and with the raised stakes at the end

Tamara

[MF]

First, let me thank everyone for his or her time. You've all been so generous. Second, let me try again.

It appears that folks think the version without the attempt at a one-line hook reads more smoothly, so I'll try using that as a base. I'll also try to answer the questions the query raises. Lastly, I’ve finally eliminated everybody’s “favorite” line “The killer didn’t get it and thinks Max has it.”

Here we go (again).

Max Fried is a retired computer forensic examiner living his island fantasy when a smooth-talking lawyer persuades him to retrieve data files needed to settle an estate. Max obtains the information and discovers someone murdered the deceased to recover a missing prototype - a newly developed computer component.

The dead man used information about an earlier murder to blackmail the killer into stealing for him, but continued demands convinced the killer to terminate more than just the relationship. Now, the prototype links the killer to two murders and he wants to replace it before anyone discovers its absence. Unfortunately, the prototype is missing and the killer thinks Max has it.

When police find another partner in the theft dead, Max realizes the killer is murdering people that know about the missing item. Max decides his best chance for survival is to find the prototype and use it to lure the killer into a trap. If Max can catch the killer, he can return to his barstool on the beach. If not, he’ll be victim number four.

 A DEADLY OCEAN SALE is my completed 62,000-word mystery. Like Max, I worked in computer forensics and have a Florida private investigator's license.


Thanks,
MF

[tm9410]

Mf,

I think the latest version is too busy. I liked your last version better. I think it was very close to being a winner:

Max Fried is a retired forensic examiner living his island fantasy until a killer starts hunting him to recover a missing product prototype.

A smooth-talking lawyer persuades Max to help settle a client’s estate. Max finishes the job and discovers someone murdered the client for a newly developed computer component. The killer didn’t get it and now thinks Max has it. After police find a second dead body, it becomes clear the killer is murdering people that know about the missing item. Max realizes his best chance for survival is to find the prototype and use it to set a trap. If Max can catch the killer, he can return to his barstool on the beach. If not, he’ll be victim number three.

However, I think this line from the new version is an improvement: Max decides his best chance for survival is to find the prototype and use it to lure the killer into a trap. I would eliminate the passive language, though, so it reads more like this:

Max's decides his best chance for survival is to find the prototype and use it to lure the killer into a trap.

Karma for all of your hard work!!

Tamara

[MF]

Thanks for sticking this out with me. I went back over the previous posts and comments and tried to distill what I learned into a new version.


Max Fried is a retired computer forensic examiner. He’s living his island fantasy until a smooth-talking lawyer persuades him to find data needed to settle an estate. During his search, Max discovers someone murdered the deceased. The killer wanted the prototype of a newly developed computer component.

Unfortunately, the prototype is still missing and the killer thinks Max has it.

When police find the dead man’s partner murdered, Max becomes the last person alive who knows the killer’s secret. If Max can find the prototype and catch the killer, he can return to his barstool on the beach. If not, he’ll be victim number three.

A DEADLY OCEAN SALE is my completed 62,000-word mystery. Like Max, I worked in computer forensics and have a Florida private investigator's license.

[MaryL]

I like this, MF.  Clean, concise and informative.

[ajhoward]

Hi there MF.

Wow! Your query is concise and flows smoothly. You
must be proud of your perseverance. I like your latest
version.

Karma to you and wishing you success.

AnneJ

[tm9410]

Mf,

You have worked so hard and it has paid off. I love the spacing of this query. It helps with the flow, but it also makes the important elements pop.

Great work!!

Tamara

[MF]

Thank you all very much. Someone has suggested the query would benefit if I explained the relationship between the first dead guy, the killer and the prototype. I added seven words to the last sentence in the first paragraph in an attempt to address this. Do you think I should leave it in or take it out?

Thanks,
MF

Max Fried is a retired computer forensic examiner. He’s living his island fantasy until a smooth-talking lawyer persuades him to find data needed to settle an estate. During his search, Max discovers someone murdered the deceased. The killer wanted the prototype of a newly developed computer component he knew the dead man had stolen.

Unfortunately, the prototype is still missing and the killer thinks Max has it.

When police find the dead man’s partner murdered, Max becomes the last person alive who knows the killer’s secret. If Max can find the prototype and catch the killer, he can return to his barstool on the beach. If not, he’ll be victim number three.

     A DEADLY OCEAN SALE is my completed 62,000-word mystery. Like Max, I worked in computer forensics and have a Florida private investigator's license.

[tm9410]

I liked it better before. It was smoother. I really think you're last query was the winner!

Tamara

[MF]

I agree. So for the record, here's the "final" version. Thank you all for your patience, kindness and help. I'm going to send out some queries using this and we'll see what happens.

Thanks,
MF

Max Fried is a retired computer forensic examiner. He’s living his island fantasy until a smooth-talking lawyer persuades him to find data needed to settle an estate. During his search, Max discovers someone murdered the deceased. The killer wanted the prototype of a newly developed computer component.

Unfortunately, the prototype is still missing and the killer thinks Max has it.

When police find the dead man’s partner murdered, Max becomes the last person alive who knows the killer’s secret. If Max can find the prototype and catch the killer, he can return to his barstool on the beach. If not, he’ll be victim number three.

     A DEADLY OCEAN SALE is my completed 62,000-word mystery. Like Max, I worked in computer forensics and have a Florida private investigator's license.

[tm9410]

Let us know how it goes Mf. Good luck!!!


Tamara

[Axordil]

Add an "as well" after "dead man's partner" and you've sold me.

[MF]

As well there should be, I've added an "as well". I also received criticism that my edits removed all traces of any voice (the comment was more polite than that but the truth is that my voice was gone). I revised with an attempt to "speak up". What do you think of this revision?

Thanks,
MF


Max Fried, a retired computer forensic examiner, is living his island fantasy. Well, at least until a smooth-talking lawyer persuades him to find data needed to settle an estate. Max takes the job, thinking it will be a snooze. Instead, he discovers someone murdered the deceased and the killer wanted the prototype of a newly developed computer component.
 
Unfortunately, the prototype is still missing and the killer thinks Max has it.

When police find the dead man’s partner murdered as well, Max becomes the last person alive who knows the killer’s secret. If Max can find the prototype and catch the killer, he can return to his barstool on the beach. If not, he’ll be victim number three.

A DEADLY OCEAN SALE is my completed 62,000-word mystery. Like Max, I worked in computer forensics and have a Florida private investigator's license.