Everyone I Know is Dead/Upteenth Revision/Help!!

[tm9410]

Thank you to all of those on the board who have seen me through upteen revisions of this query. Each time I receive your suggestions the query gets stronger. Unfortunately I am still getting a great many rejections, so I don't think its strong enough. I've taken a step back and come up with a new approach. The old query focused primarily on Lindsay and gave space to her relationship with Jason. It was very informative, but unfortunately I think it was boring.  In this new query I focus more on Charlie. Am I on the right track?

As always I would be grateful for your feedback. I know a strong query is the key to getting my book published.


Dear Agent:

An accident. A dead child. A white light.

Charlie is six years old and doesn’t realize he has been killed in a car accident. He can’t understand why a strange family is living in his house or why no one can see or hear him. He is desperately searching for his mother and needs someone to help him find her.

Someone like sixteen year old Lindsay, who can see the dead. Lindsay is in love for the first time in her life and her new boyfriend just moved into Charlie’s house. Charlie is becoming increasingly good at making his presence known, but Lindsay is the only one who can communicate with him. Now it is up to her  to solve the mystery of what happened to Charlie’s mother so she can help him cross to the other side. What she learns astounds her, and forever changes all of their lives.

Personalized paragraph about the book and why I've chosen agent such and such.


Thanks in advance! By the way, my husband thinks I should start with A haunting. A love story. A bright light. Does anyone prefer this opening?

Tamara

[tradergirl]

OK, personally I love your premise.  Love.  And I think your query is spare (in a good way) and clear.  But I'm sure you're aware that a lot of agents are going to pass by this one quick because of all the similarities to The Sixth Sense. 

But there are differences, right?  This is a YA book?  You don't say that anywhere-- and you need to!  And the fact that Lindsey is a 17 year old girl is the #1 way that your book is not another Sixth Sense. 

Your query's opening is clean and dramatic.  But somehow you've got to be more upfront about "YA" and 17 year old Lindsey.  An earlier version of your query made the point that she was reluctant to help the child because the boyfriend would find out her strange talent.  I think that's an important distinguisher for you.

Perhaps you'll reject this advice and get tons of requests with the query you have.  It's good-- it really is.  But with that movie out there (from ten or so years ago?) I feel like you have to lead with what distinguishes you.

TG

[tm9410]

Tradergirl,

Yes, this is a YA book. I say so in the last paragraph, but I didn't include it because I have started to personally tailor each one to a specific agent.

The funny thing is, it never occurred to me the book was like The Six Sense before, even though I loved that movie. It is similar, now that I think about it, in that both have characters who don't know they are dead, but the similarities end there. Part of what made The Six Sense so wonderful was the fact that the audience didn't know Bruce Willis was dead either. In Everyone I Know is Dead the readers figure out Charlie has been killed very early on, he is the only one who doesn't realize it.

I am going to really think about your comments. The last thing I want is for an agent to think my story is unoriginal.

You remember my old version well, you're right - It centered a great deal on Lindsay wanting to keep her talent a secret. This is very important to the book and to who Lindsay is as a person, but I felt like perhaps it didn't raise the stakes high enough for the query. I thought this might be a large reason for the rash of rejections in my inbox (honestly, I don't even get excited when I see I have an email anymore). I'll try to think of a way to incorporate it into the current query while avoiding making it the focus overall. I just don't think it creates enough conflict to hang the query on.

Thanks again for your comments - they were very helpful and I'm so happy you like the premise...

Tamara

[Kimmy]

Tam, I really like this too.

Thank you to all of those on the board who have seen me through upteen revisions of this query. Each time I receive your suggestions the query gets stronger. Unfortunately I am still getting a great many rejections, so I don't think its strong enough. I've taken a step back and come up with a new approach. The old query focused primarily on Lindsay and gave space to her relationship with Jason. It was very informative, but unfortunately I think it was boring.  In this new query I focus more on Charlie. Am I on the right track?

As always I would be grateful for your feedback. I know a strong query is the key to getting my book published.


Dear Agent:

An accident. A dead child. A white light. ---->  I love these three short sentences, but not sure about the white light, unless its mentioned in the book.  But I love it, it pulls me in right away.  Not the haunting though.

Charlie is six years old and doesn’t realize he has been killed in a car accident. He can’t understand why a strange family is living in his house or why no one can see or hear him. He is desperately searching for his mother and needs someone to help him find her.

Someone like sixteen year old Lindsay, who can see the dead. Lindsay is in love for the first time in her life and her new boyfriend just moved into Charlie’s house. Charlie is becoming increasingly good at making his presence known, but Lindsay is the only one who can communicate with him. Now it is up to her  to solve the mystery of what happened to Charlie’s mother so she can help him cross to the other side. What she learns astounds her, and forever changes all of their lives. -----> I like this too, but maybe a little more insight into how it will change their lives?  Like 'and it will change the way they look at death forever'  or 'and they will never fear death after this amazing experience' or something like that.   But I love it!  I hate that you are getting rejected!  karma to you for luck!

Personalized paragraph about the book and why I've chosen agent such and such.


Thanks in advance! By the way, my husband thinks I should start with A haunting. A love story. A bright light. Does anyone prefer this opening?

Tamara

[tm9410]

Thanks, Kimmy,

I think I agree with you about this part: What she learns astounds her, and forever changes all of their lives. Helping other people here on the boards with their queries has helped me become more objective about my own. I think the problem with the old query was that the stakes weren't high enough. I think I'm getting closer here, but it still probably isn't hooky enough at the end to make an agent feel compelled to read on (I doubt hooky is a word in the sense that I'm using it but you know what I mean).

I'll try to work on it.

I'm glad you like the new opening.

Thanks so much!!

Tamara

[Kimmy]

the funny thing is, everytime I see hooky I rhyme it with kooky and it stops me short!  But feel free to make any words you want, the important thing is that i knew what you meant!  You will do it.  How is the ms coming?

[Magic_Seeker]

I like this one!     I suggest you rearrange it a little, though.

An accident. A dead child. A white light. Cool line!

Charlie is six years old and doesn’t realize he has been killed in a car accident. He can’t understand why a strange family is living in his house or why no one can see or hear him. He is desperately searching for his mother and needs someone to help him find her -- someone like Lindsay, who can see the dead.

Sixteen year old Lindsay is in love for the first time in her life and her new boyfriend just moved into Charlie’s house. Charlie is becoming increasingly good at making his presence known, but Lindsay is the only one who can communicate with him. Now it is up to her  to solve the mystery of what happened to Charlie’s mother so she can help him cross to the other side. What she learns astounds her, and forever changes all of their lives.

I think you're very close!  

[tm9410]

Oooooh, Magic Seeker, I love your tweaks! They make it so much stronger! Thank you so much. I will use them!

the funny thing is, everytime I see hooky I rhyme it with kooky and it stops me short!  But feel free to make any words you want, the important thing is that i knew what you meant!  You will do it.  How is the ms coming?

My ms has been done for a while now. I am still tweaking it, but that's my nature. I think I'll be fiddling with it right up to publication. There are certain scenes I love but others I always think could be a little better.

Thank you again to everyone - Query Tracker Rocks!!

Tamara

[ajhoward]

HI there, 

There are many great tweaks suggested. I love the way you begin with Charlie. I agree with Magic_Seeker's tweak between paragraph one and two. It's perfect.

The entire query is so fantastic.

An accident. A dead child. A white light. This should grab agent's attention. It's an excellent example how 2-3 short, consecutive sentences are very powerful

Karma and good luck to you! 

AnneJ 

[tm9410]

Thanks Anne, for your kind words. I'm so happy you like it.

Everyone seems to think the new beginning is a keeper. I hope I'll finally be able to get an agent's attention!

Tamara

[kenaipi]

Hi there -- I love that you are so determined to get this query just right. It shows you have the chutzpah to make it. Queries are so tough to write, they make you want to tear your hair out, don't they? I am by no means an expert but I tried to really hone it on the focus of your story. BTW, I do love the idea of this EIKID ya story. In the first lines you really want to hook the agent, give them some of your voice and what the jist of the story is. Lindsey seems to be the driving force of this story with Charlie as the catalyst. I've dabbled a bit with some language to give you an idea of how you might proceed to write a real grabber. And also, you want the query to give some 'flavor' or a 'feel'. I mean, like after you read this query, do you get a haunting feeling? This is just one opinion - please use just what is helpful and disregard anything you don't think is helpful.  Good luck out there !~Kim

Dear Agent:

An accident. A dead child. A white light.

Little six-year-oldCharlie  is six years old is lost in his own house. He desperately wants his Mommy but she has vanished. In Everyone I Know Is Dead, a 55K word YA Paranormal novel, teenager Lindsay LASTNAME attempts to help the insistent spectre.


Someone like sixteen year old Lindsay, who can see the dead. Lindsay is in love for the first time in her life. and Her new boyfriend just moved into Charlie’s a newhouse. The first time Lindsey visits him there, her disturbing ability to see ghosts/spirits surfaces again. Little Charlie doesn’t realize he has been killed in a car accident. He can’t understand why a strange family is living in his house or why no one but Lindseycan see or hear him. He is desperately searching criesfor his mother and needs someone to help him tofind her.
WhenCharlie is becoming becomes increasingly good at making his presence known, but Lindsay is the only one who can communicate with him. Now feels likeit is up to her  to solve the mystery of what happened to Charlie’s mother so she can help him he can cross to the other side. What she learns astounds her, and forever changes all of their lives.

 

Personalized paragraph about the book and why I've chosen agent such and such.


Thanks in advance! By the way, my husband thinks I should start with A haunting. A love story. A bright light. Does anyone prefer this opening?

Tamara

[tm9410]

kenaipi -

Thank you so much for taking the time to make suggestions. You've given me something to think about.

Welcome to QT!!!

Tamara

[fiddlerzvi]

Hiya Tamara,

Warning: my luck with my own queries stinks, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

"Dear Agent:

An accident. A dead child. A white light.

Charlie is six years old and doesn’t realize he has been killed in a car accident. He can’t understand why a strange family is living in his house or why no one can see or hear him. He is desperately searching for his mother and needs someone to help him find her.

Someone like sixteen year old Lindsay, who can see the dead. Lindsay is in love for the first time in her life and her new boyfriend just moved into Charlie’s house. Charlie is becoming increasingly good at making his presence known, but Lindsay is the only one who can communicate with him. Now it is up to her  to solve the mystery of what happened to Charlie’s mother so she can help him cross to the other side. What she learns astounds her, and forever changes all of their lives."

I hate to say this, but I can't think of much to make this a better query.  It starts off with a strong indication of what the story is about, and then goes on to fill in the details.  You might want to include the word count, and indicate that it's a YA story (if it is), but that's all.

The theme is not original.  People who don't know they're dead form a common theme, so you might want to work on what about this story is different.

Hope this is helpful.

The query for my novel "Virtual Affair" is on the board.  If you could give me your input, that would be great.

Zvi the Fiddler

[mercy740]

Dear Tamara

An accident. A dead child. A white light.

I really like this. It grabs me. Your whole premise grabs me.

Someone like sixteen year old Lindsay, who can see the dead. Lindsay is in love for the first time in her life and her new boyfriend just moved into Charlie’s house. Charlie is becoming increasingly good at making his presence known, but Lindsay is the only one who can communicate with him. Now it is up to her  to solve the mystery of what happened to Charlie’s mother so she can help him cross to the other side. What she learns astounds her, and forever changes all of their lives.

The only thing I see here is the lack of CHOICE the main character must make. It reads more like a mystery/discovery, but agents like to see CHOICE and conflict. Do your characters have a choice? Does Charlie have to make a choice? What are the stakes? That he is doomed to stay here forever as a ghost??

BTW, there's another possibility why agents are still rejecting your query. It may not your query. It may be your premise. They may dismiss it as a Sixth Sense wannabe, and say "been there, done that". So you have to ask yourself if your book is like the Sixth Sense, or is it different? Then focus on that difference in your query.

Hope this helps.







Personalized paragraph about the book and why I've chosen agent such and such.


Thanks in advance! By the way, my husband thinks I should start with A haunting. A love story. A bright light. Does anyone prefer this opening?

Tamara

[Molly Z]

The first thing I thought of when reading the query is the movie The Others--the one with Nicole Kidman where she and her kids don't realize they're dead and wonder why all those strange people are in their house.  The second was the Doctor Who episode "The Unquiet Child" where the little 6 year old is looking for him Mom and all he says is "Mummy?  Are you my Mummy?"  At first, I also thought Charlie was the main character and thought "huh.  A novel told by a 6 year old ghost...Interesting...." before realizing in paragraph 2 that Lindsay is the MC.  I love YA paranormal, so am still excited by the idea, but agents may think that Charlie is the MC and then get a little disappointed by the switch from Juvenile/MG paranormal to YA paranormal. 

Overall, a strong query and premise but I noticed a ton of passive voice which you should transform into active voice.  It's minor, but it may ratchet up the tension and catch an agent's attention  if it's active instead of passive.  Some suggestions:

Dear Agent:

An accident. A dead child. A white light.

Six Year Old Charlie is six years old and doesn’t realize the accident he "walked away from" really took his life he has been killed in a car accident. He can’t understand why a strange family is living in his house or why no one can see or hear him. He is desperately searching for his mother and needs someone to help him find her. Why is a new family living in his house and where is his Mommy?  Charlie needs help finding her.  Help from someone like sixteen-year-old Linsay <last name> who can see the dead.

Someone like sixteen year old Lindsay, who can see the dead. Lindsay <last name>  is in love for the first time in her life and her (sounds a bit cliche - reading the manuscript we'll get that this is first love -- the real important detail in this sentence is that her new boyfriend moved into Charlie's house)  new boyfriend just moved into Charlie’s house. Charlie, realizing that Lindsay can see and hear him, asks for her help in finding his Mommy. is becoming increasingly good at making his presence known, but Lindsay is the only one who can communicate with him. In order for Charlie to be at peace and leave her (and her boyfriend alone), Lindsay must solve the mystery of what happened to Charlie’s mother. What she learns astounds her, and forever changes all of their lives.

I like the touch of mystery too.  Are you labeling as a YA Paranormal or YA Paranormal Mystery?  With the last line, I already started to try to 'guess' what she finds out that changes their lives forever...Definitely got my attention! 

Good luck.