Here goes nothin'

[ldyofshadows]

Just recently finished the first draft of my novel and rather than fidgeting and working on it before it's properly aged, a friend suggested working on the query idea.  Below is my first stab ever at writing a query.  No time like the present to work on toughening my hide in preparation for sending my baby out into the woods.  No, I promise you, I'm not that horridly cliched when it comes to my novel.  Thanks for your feedback!

Dear <agent name>:

Choices is a 95,000 word paranormal romance set in Florida.

For 200 years, the only things Athdara MacKechnie has wanted to do is to protect Sarah Hensley, the descendant of her half-sister from the vampires, demons and depraved humans of the world,  and to make the world a safer place for all non-humans.  Until recently that was working well for her, but starting with the 45th Anniversary Gala for the Bureau of Non-Human Affairs, her carefully built life begins unraveling.  First the Anthony Caldwell, her ex-lover and the vampire that claimed the deaths of her younger brothers shows up, as a co-honoree at the Gala.  Then she learns that all may not have been as it seemed with her brothers’ deaths.  Sparks fly as he gives chase and she fights against the fires that never died out.  Over the next two months, a series of murders comes to light eerily reminiscent of the attack that ultimately led to her own death and personal tragedy leaves her with only Anthony to turn to for protection against a group of hidden vampires calling themselves the Aristocrats.

Choices is written in the same bent as the Dark-Hunter series by Sherilynn Kenyon and Christine Feehan’s Dark series.  I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

[Magic_Seeker]

Hi Ebeth!     This strikes me as a good start.  Let's do a little tweeking.

Dear <agent name>:

Choices CHOICES is a 95,000 word paranormal romance set in Florida. Trick of the trade - all caps says you've been reading the publishers sites.  

For 200 years, the only things Athdara MacKechnie has wanted to do is to protect Sarah Hensley Is Sarah 200 years old?  I doubt it, but that's how this reads.  Also, you don't mention Sarah again, so you can just state Athdara wants to protect her sister's decendants.  Save Sarah for the synopsis. , the descendant of her half-sister from the vampires, demons and depraved humans of the world,  and to make the world a safer place for all non-humans.  Until recently that was working well for her, but starting with the 45th Anniversary Gala for the Bureau of Non-Human Affairs, her carefully built life begins unraveling.  First the When Anthony Caldwell, her ex-lover and the vampire that claimed the deaths of her younger brothers shows up, too weak for a query - arrives? appears? as a co-honoree at the Gala . Then she learns that all may not have been as it seemed with her brothers’ deaths.  Sparks fly as he gives chase Why is he chasing her?  Took me three readings (and the memory that this is romance) to get this.  Why would she be at all interested when she thinks he killed her brothers?  and she fights against the fires that never died out. 

New paragraph. Over the next two months, a series of murders comes to light eerily reminiscent of the attack that ultimately led to her own death . and p Personal tragedy Too generic - be specific. leaves her with only Anthony to turn to for protection against a group of hidden vampires calling themselves the Aristocrats.

Choices is written in the same bent as the Dark-Hunter series by Sherilynn Kenyon and Christine Feehan’s Dark series.  I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Sounds fascinating!    But it needs a little more focus in the second paragraph. (The one I added.  )

Agent Janet Reid writes that a query needs to answer three questions:
1)  Who is the MC?  (Athdara MacKechnie) 
2)  What choice must she make?
3)  What are the consequences of that choice?
I hope this helps! 

[ldyofshadows]

Yeah, I was thinking 'bout the Sarah & 200 year thing after the fact.  Sarah's the third MC really.  Need to definitely reword that.  Was just thinking I'd read something about naming 3 people in the query, so...

Thanks for the other thoughts.

[pilot27407]

I know, everybody’s saying that a perfect query is a short one…. stay under 250 words they say. In my humble opinion that’s BS. I read that Tom Clancy queried with a four page letter and Jack White with a three pager. Personally, I used a short (220 word), a medium (360 word) and a long one (two pages). Goy the best results, by far, with the long version. Trying to say too much in a few word can be as bad as trying to say nothing in a long letter. The important fact is, you must be able to SUCCINCTLY give enough info on characters and plot to generate a request. I suggest you write a good summary of your story, introduce the protagonist(s) and antagonist(s), give us a feel of where and when, and worry less about length. If the voice is good and the story grabs, the agent will read it…. if he doesn’t understand what’s all about (because you’re to constrained by word count) he won’t. Right now, what you’ve got is confusing. 

[tm9410]

 ldyofshadows,

Your plot sounds very interesting - good luck with putting the finishing touches on your book!

I think Magic Seeker gave you some great suggestions and asked some useful suggestions in her critique. I'd keep those in mind and post an updated version.

Thanks for sharing and welcome to QT!

Tamara

[ajhoward]

ldyofshadows, 

Your storyline is intriguing with wonderful subplots and interesting characters. I would put the focus on your main character and write this from that character's POV. You are off to a great start.

For 200 years, (Are your characters 200 years old? Has the protection gone on for 200 years? the only things Athdara MacKechnie has wanted to do is to protect Sarah Hensley, the descendant of her half-sister from the vampires, demons and depraved humans of the world,  and to make the world a safer place for all non-humans. (Do the characters exist in the same world? Who sees them?) Until recently that was working well for her, but starting with the 45th Anniversary Gala for the Bureau of Non-Human Affairs,(I love this part) her carefully built life begins unraveling.  First the Anthony Caldwell, her ex-lover and the vampire that claimed the deaths of her younger brothers shows up, as a co-honoree at the Gala.(There are a lot of ideas for just one sentence.)  Then she learns that all may not have been as it seemed with her brothers’ deaths.  Sparks fly as he gives chase and she fights against the fires that never died out(Are these actual fires or emotional fires. It seems vague to me.).  Over the next two months, a series of murders comes to light eerily reminiscent of the attack that ultimately led to her own death(Who died? Who is left with only Anthony to turn to?) and personal tragedy leaves her with only Anthony to turn to for protection against a group of hidden vampires calling themselves the Aristocrats.

Karma to you and wishing you a lot of success. I enjoyed your story.

AnneJ

[Lizzerbear]

I think you've gotten some good advice already, but I wonder if you could include that snippet about the premise in your query? B/c I really like the idea that vampires have gained rights with the civil rights era. It reminds me of Charlaine Harris, but with a twist.

But I also think you've got too much going on in here. Like Magic Seeker said, try to focus on the main character and her main conflict without getting wrapped up in names and details.

Writing a query is tough, I know! I hope you'll post a new draft! 

[ldyofshadows]

Just submitting the main/plot section.  I'm not sure I like it, but...Thanks for the input before and after.

My name is Dara.  For 200 years now I’ve only wanted three things: protect my sister’s descendants from Anthony Caldwell who killed our brothers, make the world a safer place for those of us with alternate diets and talents, and find a nice, quiet man to love me for who and what I am.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask!  Except for the man part, that was working out well for me, but everything started going wrong at the 45th Anniversary Gala for the Bureau of Non-Human Affairs. 

First, Anthony shows up as a co-honoree at the Gala.  It comes to light he might just have lied about being a murderous, vindictive bastard.  Not only am I supposed to forgive him for lying, but he wants to resume the affair I broke off while I was still human (he wasn’t).  A nice and quiet man he isn’t.

Then while I’m trying to deal with that, it comes to light that there’s a new group of killers out there, likely vampires, mutilating their victims.  I’m  a liaison, not an investigator, but when my own niece is killed, I can’t just ignore it.  Of course when I look to the vampire council for guidance since these attacks are horribly reminiscent of the group that terrorized London in the 18th and 19th century, Anthony is the one they send to deal with he problem.  I can’t get rid of him…and by the time things are resolved, I’m really not sure I want to get rid of him.

[Magic_Seeker]

The voice in this version is great!   

  Unfortunately, every agent blog I've read considers first person and/or present tense to be a gimmick, even when the novel is written in first person present tense.

I suggest you rewrite this back into third person past tense, but keep as much of the voice as you can. 

You're still one up on me.  I can't get voice into my query for the life of me!

[violet]

 

While I'm a firm believer that rules are made to be broken, I do think you'll have more luck w/ your query in third person.

 I can’t get rid of him…and by the time things are resolved, I’m really not sure I want to. get rid of him.

Sounds fun! 

[ldyofshadows]

I really don't like this - it didn't convert well to third-person past if I tried to keep the original voice.  I"m not happy, but I can't see how to fix it.  Can a voice outside my own head please chime in and tell me what I missed?  It should have converted, but it didn't...

Thanks!
For two hundred years, Dara wanted only three things: protect her sister’s descendants from Anthony Caldwell, the ancient vampire who killed her brothers, make the world a safer place for those with alternate diets and talents, and to find a nice, peaceful man to love her for who and what she was.  It wasn’t too much to ask, was it?  Except for the man part, it had worked well for her, but everything began falling apart the night of the 45th Anniversary Gala for the Bureau of Non-Human Affairs.

First Anthony showed up as co-honoree at the Gala and admitted to lying about being a murderous, vindictive bastard.  Not only did he expect her to forgive and forget the lie, but he wanted to resume the affair she’d broken off just before her brothers were killed.  No one ever made the mistake of believing he was a peaceful, quiet man.

While still fending off his amorous advances, a series of murders came to Dara’s attention where the victims were brutally mutilated before their deaths.  These deaths bore a striking resemblance to murders performed in 18th and 19th century London by a group that called themselves the Aristocrats.  When she turned to the vampire council for guidance, Anthony was the proffered solution.  Unable to rid herself of him, by the end she wasn’t certain she actually wanted to be.

[Magic_Seeker]

  Okay, I agree, this still isn't working.  It's 20 questions time. 

What happens in the first chapter?  Where do we (as readers) start?  At the Gala?

Hmm.  Is Dara or Anthony the MC?  I'd assumed Dara, but in re-reading, you give Anthony equal time.  Who is most important to the story?

Is your first paragraph backstory?  (It reads like backstory.)  If so, take it out.  Save all backstory for the synopsis (and don't use much there.)  You don't need to show much (if any) motivation in the query.

What does the MC do that changes everything?  What is the turning point?

What happens because of that action?

Is the love interest crucial to the story?  (I don't want you to scrap it, I just wonder if it is a strong romance element.)

How does the romance element affect the other parts of the story?  Does it cause the MC to do something heroic?  Or stupid?  Or reckless?

How far is Dara (assuming she is the MC) willing to go to protect her kin?  Or the other non-humans?

You aren't required to tell the ending, but if it will help show how this story is different than any other somewhat similar story, feel free to use it.  The idea is to hook the agent into wondering how you got there.

These are all just ideas to focus your thoughts.  You don't need most of them in the query.  Focus on one character and write the query about only that character - and about how the secondary (Anthony?) affects that character.  Don't worry about how the MC affects the secondary at this point.

I hope this helps!

[Jole]

Magic Seeker has some very good points. I just thought I'd add, imo, keep it simple. The first paragraph had heaps of information, making it cluttered I reckon. (And long winded.) I'm too busy figuring out what's going on, I don't get a chance to be hooked. I also wanna know what your MC is. I think you forgot to mention it. (Better sooner, rather than later, imo.)

Besides that, if you consider something really unique about your story, I'd really try and stress that. Vampires are so hot right now, everyone's got one. Why is yours gonna stand out? (With that in mind, you may have already proven this. I have nothing to compare it to, I don't know the genre. )

Good luck mate!

[ldyofshadows]

MS:  Good questions, good things to think about.  Answers:

MC? - Dara, but only nominally.  He has almost as much screen/page time as her.

Backstory? - Yes and no.  Wanted to make it crystal clear that non-humans are very much a known and accepted part of 'reality'.  Mentioning the Bureau seemed to make that clear, and the protection/betterment things are how she got to where she currently was in her life at the opening of the story.

What done? - MC's actions are responsive to what secondary does (i.e. until AC shows up, her life's going hunky dory...more or less).

Romance? - That 'is' the story, the murders are..hrmm...well, they serve as a binding point for later books, help trigger her memory of her conversion (which she lost due to the nasty circumstances leading to it).

Protect Kin - She fails miserably. 
Protect Non-Humans: Got the Bureau created 45 years ago, brought them out of the closet, so to speak, 80 years ago.


Hrmmm...gotta figure how to make something workable.  I stil prefer version 2 over the others.

[Magic_Seeker]

I just realized I'm waaaaaay too deep in my writing.  A query needs to be in third person present tense.

Let me do some minor tweaks:

Dara wants to accomplish only three things: to protect her sister’s descendants from Anthony Caldwell, the ancient vampire who killed her brothers, to make the world a safer place for those with alternate diets and talents, and to find a nice, peaceful man to love her for who and what she was.  It wasn’t too much to ask, was it?  Except for the finding-a-man part, it had worked well for her.  But everything falls apart the night of the 45th Anniversary Gala for the Bureau of Non-Human Affairs.

First Anthony shows up as co-honoree at the Gala and admits to lying about being a murderous, vindictive bastard.  Not only does he expect her to forgive and forget the lie, but he wants to resume the affair she’d broken off just before her brothers were killed.  No one ever made the mistake of believing he was a peaceful, quiet man. This line doesn't fit.

While still she fends off his amorous advances, a series of murders come to Dara’s attention where the wording seems too weak victims were brutally mutilated before their deaths.  These deaths bear a striking resemblance to murders performed <--interesting word choice in 18th and 19th century London by a group that called themselves the Aristocrats. <-- tmi.  When she turns to the vampire council for guidance, Anthony is the proffered solution.  Unable to rid herself of him, by the end she wasn’t certain she actually wanted to be. This line is flat.  It's negative - Unable, wasn't.  It also has nothing to do with the murders.

I'm still not thrilled with this, but I think it adds back some of your voice.  What do you think?