Which Angle to Choose?

[Oubliette]

Well I am working on the query sized summary for my story, and I'm not sure what angle to go with.

On one hand I can introduce it as it is; something that has a mix of fun and drama, but also can get quite dark and bleak.  Or if I should just pitch the serious, intense portion of the story, or if I should go with a light-hearted hook?

I mean I originally had a hook that was something like:

"Only trouble could come from the meeting of Irene Locklyn, a seventeen year old whose maturity and lack of humour know no bounds, and Cyrus Tinker, a 300 year old vampire who still won't act his age."  I know the wording is clunky; I'm working on it, but now I just want to throw it out.

However, then I go on to talk about rivalling vampire gangs, metnal breakdowns, isolation, the threat of torture and death... and it sort of clashes.  Badly.  I haven't even finished before I realized this was a tacky clash in tone.  Which is why I am asking here rather than just putting up the whole Query letter for review.

However the story does have moments of humour (or I thought it might be a little entertaining) because Cyrus, one of the lead characters, is rather cheeky as a foil to Irene's serious and tight-wound nature.  The events of the story, however, are no laughing matter.  Should I just keep the synopsis very stark and let the light moments be a pleasant surprise (and tension breaker) for those (if any) who read the actual manuscript?

Any thoughts?

And I apologize if this isn't the appropriate category to post this (but I am thinking about my Query letter so it is relevant).

[Sandy_Williams]

It's hard to say. Maybe try writing it both ways and posting both queries for review? I don't think you need to exclude humor in your query just because it has dark and serious events. I mean, when you're talking about vampires, life and death situations, etc. it's going to be serious, but humor in your query shows how your MC is likely to deal with all the darkness.

You might also read the blurbs for books similar to yours. For some reason, Jeaniene Frost's books come to mind. Cat is a vamp killer who's life is constantly at risk, yet you know it's going to have lighthearted moments in it from the blurb (and the opening pages where she has a dead body in the trunk - also a serious matter).

[Magic_Seeker]

Agent Janet Reid says she wants to know three things:

1) Who is the MC?
2) What choice must s/he make (that will alter the plot) ?
3) What are the consequences of that choice?

Start with that, and work in the voice.  If 90% of your book is dark, I suggest you keep the query dark and scary.  If you make it funny, the agent will be disappointed when your book is gritty.

Best of luck with it!

[ldyofshadows]

I had the same problem as you - there's humor to mine - I mean, c'mon, 2nd MC is a die-hard Tampa Bay Rays baseball fan, and 1200 years old.  But it's also romance/murder involving.  Finding the mix can always be a challenge.  Granted, I've got a grand pathetic total of 3 tries at my query, and they all, er, bite.  If you can get the humor in there...go for it.

[pilot27407]

Humor is part of your voice. If your intent is to write a humorous book, by all means let the humor come through. If your intent is otherwise, don’t let humor cloud the story. You can have humor in the book, it sometimes helps a character or a tight situation… but don’t let it be the focus of your synopsis (especially a short one). Introduce your protagonist, your antagonist, your main plot (hint at subplots, if any) and don’t hide the outcome.

[Oubliette]

Thank you all for your suggestions.  I think I will just keep to a stark bleak tone in the query summary and synopsis, and just let the occasional humour that pops up serve as the purpose of tension release in the actual prose. 

I am almost tempted to take Brimfire's suggestion and post both in Query review to see which people like... but I think I will re-read my entire manuscript (without pausing to edit) one more time through.  Then if I feel hitning at humour to be inappropriate or misleading for sure, then I'll just write the serious toned summary.  If I am still unsure after that, then I'll write both versions and see how people take to it.

[ajhoward]

Hi there, 

You have great ideas. I think once you're finished with your query in rough draft form, you will sense what is right for your voice.

I agree with you about using the dark ideas to form the backbone of the storyline in both your query and your synopsis. Then let the humor pop up in appropriate places to give the reader a break from all the tension. As some of the others suggested, let the humor come from one of the characters, who uses humor as part of her/his way of solving a problem.

Good luck and karma to you,  Thumbs Up Thumbs Up

AnneJ 

[pilot27407]

In a query every word counts so throw away every superfluous one.

Meeting  Irene Locklyn, a mature seventeen year old with  lack of humor, spells trouble for Cyrus Tinker, a 300 year old vampire with mischief on his mind.

The hook is a powerful weapon if properly employed. Now, tell in one 3-4 sentences paragraph the story.