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mercy740
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« Reply #60 on: November 19, 2009, 06:19:56 PM » |
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I like your revised version better. As with Fiddler, I think you should lose the hub bit.
But your last sentence seems to fall a little flat after all that build up. Can you think of her choice? Rosette must....?find a way out of this mess....or risk being in thrall to Monsoon for eternity.
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Magic_Seeker
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« Reply #61 on: November 19, 2009, 07:51:06 PM » |
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Karma, Zvi and Mercy!  Thanks! I'm definitely having trouble with the voice business.  Rosette wants her boyfriend there with her, but it's hard to show without making her sound whiny. She's not -- she's put out about being alone. 
Is this better? _____________________________________ When sixteen-year-old Rosette searches for treasure in the tunnels beneath a ruined palace, it doesn’t occur to her that she can get lost. The tunnel appears absolutely straight, but she soon finds herself creeping in circles and searching for a way out of a labyrinth. She explores the dark tunnels armed with only a flickering torch, alone except for a few hundred ancient corpses. When she stumbles across a sweet old man who calls himself Felix, she is determined to lead him to freedom, in spite of his mumbles about death. But the man she frees is the imprisoned necromancer, Monsoon. After uncounted years trapped in the dark, Monsoon wants nothing more than to resume his former glory -- as the God of Death. And he has chosen Rosette as his first worshiper. MONSOON RAIN is a 83,000 word fantasy.
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violet
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« Reply #62 on: November 19, 2009, 07:59:14 PM » |
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When sixteen-year-old Rosette searches for treasure in the tunnels beneath a ruined palace, it doesn’t occur to her that she can get lost. The tunnel appears absolutely straight, But she soon finds herself creeping in circles and searching for a way out of a labyrinth.
She explores the dark tunnels armed with only a flickering torch, alone, well, except for unless you count a few hundred ancient corpses as company. When she stumbles across a sweet old man who calls himself Felix, she is determined to lead him to freedom, in spite of his mumbles about death.
But the man she frees is the imprisoned necromancer, Monsoon. After uncounted thousands? I just don't like the word uncounted years trapped in the dark, Monsoon wants nothing more than to resume his former glory -- as the God of Death. And he has chosen Rosette as his first worshiper There needs to be more here, imho. It's not quite enough.
MONSOON RAIN is a 83,000 word fantasy. I like MONSOON REIGN. Did you veto it?
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violet
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« Reply #63 on: November 19, 2009, 08:14:21 PM » |
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Armed with only a flickering torch but very much alone (unless you consider a few hundred ancient corpses as company) Rosette stumbles across a sweet old man who calls himself Felix. In spite of his mumbles about death, she is determined to lead him to freedom. There are many ways to make this graph tighter / more interesting.  |
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Magic_Seeker
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« Reply #64 on: November 19, 2009, 09:00:17 PM » |
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Karma, Violet!  Lots of good points! I think it's tighter now.
I'm not happy with the last line, though. It's toooo flat.  I was aiming for a hint of Rosette's stubborn nature.
I'm torn on Monsoon Reign. My informal poll on reactions is 50/50. My reaction varies by the hour.  __________________________________________ When sixteen-year-old Rosette searches for treasure in the tunnels beneath a ruined palace, it doesn’t occur to her that she can get lost, but she soon finds herself creeping in circles and searching for a way out of a maze. Armed with only a flickering torch, Rosette maps a labyrinth occupied by hundreds of ancient corpses. She stumbles across a sweet old man who calls himself Felix, and she is determined to lead him to freedom even though his mumbles about death frighten her. But the man she frees is the imprisoned necromancer, Monsoon. After seven hundred years trapped in the dark, Monsoon wants nothing more than to resume his former glory -- as the God of Death. And he has chosen Rosette as his first worshiper. Rosette is too busy escaping his enchantments to worship anybody. MONSOON RAIN is a 83,000 word fantasy.
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Kimmy
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« Reply #65 on: November 19, 2009, 09:08:09 PM » |
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Kimmy
Querying again for Soul Stalker/YA Paranormal Romance.
WIP: YA Urban Fantasy, Title--->Autumn's Fall, moving along; new plotline inserted, old storyline chopped up, reorganizing at 48k words
Outlining Reluctant Redemption - Sequel to Soul Stalker--->iwill only pursue a sequel if SS sells.
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mercy740
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« Reply #66 on: November 19, 2009, 10:18:35 PM » |
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I like this latest too!!! And I like the quirky last line!! Hee hee. Yay!! |
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Magic_Seeker
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« Reply #67 on: November 19, 2009, 10:23:33 PM » |
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LOL, Kimmy! Thanks, Mercy! Karma to both of you.  Thank goodness, the humor in the last line came through. Or does that count as voice?  |
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mercy740
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« Reply #68 on: November 19, 2009, 10:25:12 PM » |
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It's voice!!
Shows your novel has humor and a spunky heroine!
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Magic_Seeker
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« Reply #69 on: November 19, 2009, 11:30:28 PM » |
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ajhoward
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« Reply #71 on: November 20, 2009, 12:59:57 PM » |
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Hi there,Magic_Seeker, I think your query is superb. I wish you the best of luck. Fingers on both hands are crossed. You deserve this one for all your hard work and your fabulous query. Good luck and karma to you. AnneJ  |
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WIP: DARK PARTICLES
WIP: SOUL SNATCHERS
WIP: LIGHT SIGNATURES
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Magic_Seeker
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« Reply #72 on: November 20, 2009, 01:25:16 PM » |
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Thanks, Laura and Anne! Karma to you!  I'm just trying to not hold my breath. But seeing as it may be weeks before I hear back, I guess I should research other agents instead.  |
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