query for the Case of the Shredded Souls [UF]

[onefinemess]

Hi all!  I've been gone & busy for a while, hopefully I'll be around to contribute a bit more lately.  Especially considering I'm (hopefully) wrapping up on edits and getting ready to query my first book.  Woo?

Anyway, I've been tearing my hair out for a week or so trying to find a way to craft a query for this book when I stumbled across an old synopsis I was working on and wow, did it seem better than anything I was coming up with.  So, I tuned it a little.  The issue I was having had to do with how to approach the characters, so I opted for a little more general approach - hopefully not too general.  How am I doing?

************************************
[INSERT AGENT CUSTOMIZATION HERE  ]

There are no "by the books" cases for the Supernatural Investigations Agency.  If they're not surprised, you probably shouldn't have called them.  If they can't handle it don't worry - no one else can either.  They are the last 'last line of defense' between you and everything that wants to sleep in or on your bones.

They operate in squads of 4 because power is multiplicative, fitting more than 4 into a car is tough and minivans are the opposite of intimidating.  Rampaging werewolf?  Call 911.  Blood drunk vampire got your daughter?  Same thing. Invisible demons eating the children?  Maybe then the SIA gets called in.  Or maybe earlier if the body count gets a little too high.

They catch and kill the nasty things that make it through the Glyphwall - so you don't have to call them later.  They protect you from the things that no one else can and, when the call comes too late, they dispense final vengeance.  Supposedly, they sleep quite soundly.  They recruit the strange and powerful, but they'll take the best and the brightest in a pinch.

Mark, the ex-werewolf, wishes it wasn't that way; all his hard work was for nothing.  Bert the wererhino doesn't mind; he enjoyed his hard work and is happy to serve and protect.  Lazaro - AKA "Ghost" - the guy with the haunted skull, thought field work would be more exciting than data analysis and Cessily, the cephalopod shapeshifter doesn't know where she belongs; this is just where she wound up. 

Their squad seems to get a lot of possession calls.  Nasty stuff.  Stuff that would keep the most folks up at night.  Stuff they, lacking in the magic wielding department, are not really equipped to handle... almost like someone is out to get them.  Still, they've survived for two years, so they must be doing something right.  They work well together, and even like each other most of the time.

Their latest case takes them south, across state and SIA division lines to sunny Los Angeles in pursuit of a traceless killer.  A traceless, invisible, inhumanly strong, erased from memory, soul-destroying, child molesting, killer.

If only things were that simple.

The Case of the Shredded Souls is a work of modern fantasy, complete at 83,000 words.  It can stand on its own, or as the introductory volume to a series.  I'd be entirely too happy to send you a copy.  My name is <>, and this is my first novel.

[paulwest]

I love the concept, and your writing shows your voice quite well. I think the only comment I have is that it's too long. I suggest paring it WAY down to the essential story. Describe the SIA, then go into describing the story problem. Try to do that in one or two (three max) paragraphs.

Good luck,
Paul

[Cheree]

  I like the voice and premise, but it takes a long time to introduce the characters. Are the 2nd and 3rd paragraph necessary? If not, cut them and introduce the characters in the 2nd.

There are no "by the books" cases for the Supernatural Investigations Agency.  If they're not surprised, you probably shouldn't have called them.  If they can't handle it don't worry - no one else can either.  They are the last 'last line of defense' between you and everything that wants to sleep in or on your bones.

They operate in squads of 4 because power is multiplicative, fitting more than 4 into a car is tough and minivans are the opposite of intimidating.  Rampaging werewolf?  Call 911.  Blood drunk vampire got your daughter?  Same thing. Invisible demons eating the children?  Maybe then the SIA gets called in.  Or maybe earlier if the body count gets a little too high.

They catch and kill the nasty things that make it through the Glyphwall - so you don't have to call them later.  They protect you from the things that no one else can and, when the call comes too late, they dispense final vengeance.  Supposedly, they sleep quite soundly.  They recruit the strange and powerful, but they'll take the best and the brightest in a pinch.

Mark, the ex-werewolf, wishes it wasn't that way; all his hard work was for nothing.  Bert the wererhino doesn't mind; he enjoyed his hard work and is happy to serve and protect.  Lazaro - AKA "Ghost" - the guy with the haunted skull, thought field work would be more exciting than data analysis and Cessily, the cephalopod shapeshifter doesn't know where she belongs; this is just where she wound up.

Their squad seems to get a lot of possession calls.  Nasty stuff.  Stuff that would keep the most folks up at night.  Stuff they, lacking in the magic wielding department, are not really equipped to handle... almost like someone is out to get them.  Still, they've survived for two years, so they must be doing something right.  They work well together, and even like each other most of the time.

Their latest case takes them south, across state and SIA division lines to sunny Los Angeles in pursuit of a traceless killer.  A traceless, invisible, inhumanly strong, erased from memory, soul-destroying, child molesting, killer.

If only things were that simple. what things were simple?

The Case of the Shredded Souls is a work of modern urban fantasy, complete at 83,000 words.  It can stand on its own, or as the introductory volume to a series.  I'd be entirely too happy to send you a copy.  My name is <>, and this is my first novel. this sounds a bit eager and don't mention it's your 1st novel. Try something like 'The complete manuscript is available upon your request.  Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to your reply.'

[jerseygirl]

The ideas you have sound interesting but imho this is not a query. It is kind of backstory for the first five paragraphs and then you have one short paragraph about the current case. So I think there is not enough information about the plot and the main character. I am not even sure who the MC is. I think you need more of an idea about what needs to be in a query. And there are several places that kind of give a basic query format. I think Nathan Bransford (agent)  has info on that on his site and I think you can find it somewhere on this site also - can't remember where.  But basically you start with a one line hook - some people make it a short paragraph. Then follow with several short paragraphs with some info about the MC and plot and maybe info on a antagonist. You need to state the conflict/problems that need to be over come and end hinting at the resolution. Then you can have a paragraph about your professional experience if you have any - I don't - and wrap it up with a word count, genre and thank yous - not too over done.

Thats basically it - and not said that well but I think it would help you to check out some sites that can tell a little more extensively what needs to be in a good  query and also important: what should not be in it.

I hope that helps - if not just ignore.
good luck

[onefinemess]

I think you guys are pointing me back towards the format I drove myself away from.
My problem was - if it's supposed to be brief, how do you bring in 4 characters without sounding like a list.  So, I tried to make the focus the world (as often is the case, to one degree or another, in fantasy) so I could bring in the characters on top of that.  It's sounding like it's not working.

@paulwest: I'll see what I can cut, and offer that up as one option
@the others: I'll try a second version, aimed in the more standard direction.

@jerseygirl: part of my dilemma is that there isn't necessarily a MC.  I mean, KIND of it's the first guy in the list - barely - but it's still iffy.  This isn't the MC & Friends show, it's more of an ensemble cast.  I have read the querysites (queryshark, here, evileditor, etc.) fairly extensively, but just couldn't get that formula working for the angle I want to come from.  Of course, that doesn't mean it won't happen, just means more work .
@cheree: Hmm.  Yes I suppose those can be cut. World flavor and all.  Also "modern fantasy" is the term used on Roc's website (Edit: No, it's "contemporary fantasy", somehow my brain mangled that into "modern".  Wait. They use urban too.  For the same books.  *shakes head and sighs*), publisher of stuff like the Dresden Files.  I was using urban fantasy for a while...but then I saw that.  Now I'm back in genreconfusionland.

Thanks!  Back to the cutting board.

[violet]

Ok, so intro with..

Mark, the ex-werewolf, is a "X" ;  Bert the wererhino is happy to serve and protect;  Lazaro - AKA "Ghost" - the guy with the haunted skull, thought field work would be more exciting than data analysis; and Cessily, the cephalopod shapeshifter doesn't know where she belongs; this is just where she wound up. Maybe give the ages? Is this YA?   

Together the form the Supernatural Investigations Agency. They catch and kill the nasty things that make it through the Glyphwall (explain this)  - so you don't have to call them later. Their latest case takes them south, across state and SIA division lines to sunny Los Angeles in pursuit of a traceless killer.  A traceless, invisible, inhumanly strong, erased from memory, soul-destroying, child molesting, killer. And if they fail...and give the consequences.

The Case of the Shredded Souls THE CASE OF THE SHREDDED SOULS is a work of modern urban fantasy, complete at 83,000 words. It can stand on its own, or as the introductory volume to a series.  I'd be entirely too happy to send you a copy.  My name is <>, and this is my first novel. Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you.

[Kimmy]

Agree with everyone, its too long.  But I really like your title!

[jerseygirl]

onefine,

I think that not having a MC could be a problem in selling your MS, particularly for someone who hasn't published before - I am assuming you haven't published (I haven't). I am not saying it's a problem with the MS but with getting it to fit in with agents/publishers idea of what a MS should be,  particularly from a first time author. I don't know exactly what I would tell you to do  about that. You could try and pick one character and focus on them in the query. I think you have something that's a little out of the ordinary and unfortunately the established institutions often have problems with that. BTW I like your title also.

good luck - sorry I don't have some brilliant answer for you.

[cjlee]

Some general suggestions:

1) Your ideas are great but a query really isn't the place to place a synopsis. This should be no more than 2 paragraphs in your query.
2) Having no human main character is fine, it is the Agency that is the main character. So your 2 para should focus on the life of the SIA, not any individual.
3) You're obviously not writing a literary novel; as long as you pitch it to the right agent it won't be a problem that the plot, not the characters, drive the novel.

Hi all!  I've been gone & busy for a while, hopefully I'll be around to contribute a bit more lately.  Especially considering I'm (hopefully) wrapping up on edits and getting ready to query my first book.  Woo?

Anyway, I've been tearing my hair out for a week or so trying to find a way to craft a query for this book when I stumbled across an old synopsis I was working on and wow, did it seem better than anything I was coming up with.  So, I tuned it a little.  The issue I was having had to do with how to approach the characters, so I opted for a little more general approach - hopefully not too general.  How am I doing?

************************************
[INSERT AGENT CUSTOMIZATION HERE  ]

There are no "by the books" cases for the Supernatural Investigations Agency.  If they're not surprised, you probably shouldn't have called them.  If they can't handle it don't worry - no one else can either.  They are the last 'last line of defense' between you and everything that wants to sleep in or on your bones.

They operate in squads of 4 because power is multiplicative, fitting more than 4 into a car is tough and minivans are the opposite of intimidating.  Rampaging werewolf?  Call 911.  Blood drunk vampire got your daughter?  Same thing. Invisible demons eating the children?  Maybe then the SIA gets called in.  Or maybe earlier if the body count gets a little too high.

They catch and kill the nasty things that make it through the Glyphwall - so you don't have to call them later.  They protect you from the things that no one else can and, when the call comes too late, they dispense final vengeance.  Supposedly, they sleep quite soundly.  They recruit the strange and powerful, but they'll take the best and the brightest in a pinch.

Mark, the ex-werewolf, wishes it wasn't that way; all his hard work was for nothing.  Bert the wererhino doesn't mind; he enjoyed his hard work and is happy to serve and protect.  Lazaro - AKA "Ghost" - the guy with the haunted skull, thought field work would be more exciting than data analysis and Cessily, the cephalopod shapeshifter doesn't know where she belongs; this is just where she wound up. 

Their squad seems to get a lot of possession calls.  Nasty stuff.  Stuff that would keep the most folks up at night.  Stuff they, lacking in the magic wielding department, are not really equipped to handle... almost like someone is out to get them.  Still, they've survived for two years, so they must be doing something right.  They work well together, and even like each other most of the time.

Their latest case takes them south, across state and SIA division lines to sunny Los Angeles in pursuit of a traceless killer.  A traceless, invisible, inhumanly strong, erased from memory, soul-destroying, child molesting, killer.

If only things were that simple.

The Case of the Shredded Souls is a work of modern fantasy, complete at 83,000 words.  It can stand on its own, or as the introductory volume to a series.  I'd be entirely too happy to send you a copy.  My name is <>, and this is my first novel.

[f_rancesca]

Okay, newbie here -- but this sounds like a really interesting book so I'm having a go at slashing and dicing your query down down down. I also agree this sounds like fantasy, unless there are some MC humans hanging around. But if you can get the query right, I think you'll land an agent, because this sounds exciting!


[INSERT AGENT CUSTOMIZATION HERE  ]

There are no "by the books" cases for the Supernatural Investigations Agency.  If they're not surprised, you probably shouldn't have called themdialed the wrong number.  If they can't handle it, don't worry - no one else can either.  They are the last 'last line of defense' between you and everything that wants to sleep in or on your bones.

They operate in squads of 4 because power is multiplicative, fitting more than 4 into a car is tough and minivans are the opposite of intimidating.  Rampaging werewolf?  Call 911.  Blood drunk vampire got your daughter?  Same thing. Invisible demons eating the children?  Maybe then the SIA gets called in.  Or maybe earlier if the body count gets a little too high.

They catch and kill the nasty things that make it through the Glyphwall - so you don't have to call them later.  They protect you from the things that no one else can and, when the call comes too late, they dispense final vengeance.  Supposedly, they sleep quite soundly.  They recruit the strange and powerful, but they'll take the best and the brightest in a pinch.

A strange and powerful team of four not-quite-humans catch and kill the nasty things that make it through the Glyphwall before they come for you.
Mark, the ex-werewolf, wishes it wasn't that way; all his hard work was for nothing.  Bert the wererhino doesn't mind; he enjoyed his hard work and is happy to serve and protect.  Lazaro - AKA "Ghost" - the guy with the haunted skull, thought field work would be more exciting than data analysis and Cessily, the cephalopod shapeshifter doesn't know where she belongs; this is just where she wound up. 

Their squad seems to get a lot of possession calls.  Nasty stuff.  Stuff that would keep the most folks up at night.  Stuff they, lacking in the magic wielding department, are not really equipped to handle... almost like someone is out to get them.  They must be doing something right because they've survived for two years.  They work well together, and even like each other most of the time.

Their latest case takes them south, across state and SIA division lines to sunny Los Angeles in pursuit of a traceless killer.  ABut now they're on the trail of a traceless, invisible, inhumanly strong, erased from memory, soul-destroying, child molesting, killer and it looks like he's headed for Los Angeles. There should be something here about what the stakes are for your four main characters. What are they going to get out of this conflict? How is it going to change their (un)lives?

If only things were that simple.

The Case of the Shredded Souls is a work of modern fantasy, complete at 83,000 words.  It can stand on its own, or as the introductory volume to a series.  I'd be entirely too happy to send you a copy.  My name is <>, and this is my first novel.
[/quote]

[onefinemess]

Thanks for all the input!  It took me quite a while - due to time limits but also how difficult I find query writing in general.  I've tried to re-frame it in the standard MC-oriented narrative style.  I think it may still be a bit wordy but, good start? 

*********************************************************************

Dear <X>,

I am seeking representation for THE CASE OF THE SHREDDED SOULS, a work of urban fantasy about the monsters that stand between us and the bigger monsters, complete at 83,000 words.

When Mark Brand returned from vacation, he expected another round of the usual life threatening cases that make a day in the life of an agent of the Supernatural Investigations Agency interesting.  Zombies, vampires, and entirely too many possessions - that kind of thing.  He expected the lives of the squad to hang in the balance - and maybe a few victims - but not the lives of everyone in greater Los Angeles County.

It all started out mundane enough: his squad is shipped south two states into another division's territory to track down a traceless killer.  A traceless, invisible, inhumanly strong, erased from memory, soul-destroying, child molesting, killer.   Faster than you can say "It can't get any worse", it gets worse: three more kids turn up fantastically dead and the killer is revealed to be an ancient demon halfway through a ritual to haul its full presence through the Glyphwall.  The last time that happened was 800 years ago - and it took three crusades and the largest alliance of supernaturals in recorded history to destroy...and most of the crusaders died.

The agents - Mark, the ex-werewolf, Bert the wererhino, Lazaro - aka "Ghost" - the guy with the haunted skull, and Cessily the aquatic shapeshifter are in more than a little too deep.  After they fail to prevent three more ritual murders, they are forced to seek out the demon itself in the empty catacombs of UnderLA.  There's one last victim to save, but he's blinded by love and headed straight to the demon - and he's got a head start.

I have enclosed the first three chapters and an SAE for you convenience.  Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
<ME>

[DHE]

Hey there, onefinemess!  First, I would like to applaud you on your taking critique and using it to transform your query in such a huge way!  Instead of baby steps, you took a big leap.  Not only does that make it easier on you because this is going to go a lot quicker, but it's always more fun to offer advice when we know the person listening is, well, listening!  Karma! 

This version is far better than the first because it focuses much less on the setup and far more on what is currently happening.  What it needs now is to be polished so it sounds more urgent and therefore more exciting.  It needs some more voice.  Also, you probably go a little too far into the book.  It sounds like the cliffhanger you leave off at here is the climax when really, all you need to set up is the initial problem.  You want to entice someone to read the book, not tell them what happens in the first 4/5 and entice them with the climax, yeah?  So let's take a look:

Thanks for all the input!  It took me quite a while - due to time limits but also how difficult I find query writing in general.  I've tried to re-frame it in the standard MC-oriented narrative style.  I think it may still be a bit wordy but, good start?  GREAT start!

*********************************************************************

Dear <X>, business letter format means a colon here, not a comma 

I am seeking representation for THE CASE OF THE SHREDDED SOULS, an work of Don't use more words than you have to. Brevity will read better and you don't want an agent to go on alert wondering what you mean by "a work of" urban fantasy about the monsters that stand between us and the bigger not "bigger" really. "Badder." We know size doesn't necessarily mean anything and you want to paint a picture that helps the person reading this query develop a FEELING.  Here, you want it to be a little bit of fear.  So use some descriptor that will be more likely to send a chill up someone's spine monsters, complete at 83,000 words.

When Mark Brand returned from vacation, he expected another round of the usual life threatening cases that make a day in the life of an agent of the Supernatural Investigations Agency interesting Too wordy and not exciting enough.  I think combine the previous sentence and the next to make that first sentence really sing: "When Mark Brand returned from vacation, he expected another round of the usual--zombies, vampires, entirely too many possessions.  A typical day in the life of the Supernatural Investigations Agency, a brief explanation of SIA.  Zombies, vampires, and entirely too many possessions - that kind of thing.  He expected the lives of the squad to hang in the balance - and maybe a few victims - but not the lives of everyone in greater Los Angeles County. This line has exciting stuff in it, but because of the way it's delivered, it doesn't have that urgent impact you need.  You already delivered that "dangerous stuff--no prob, it's the job" feel with the first line.  Now's the time to make it seem like this is over SIA's figurative head, that this case is out of the ordinary and while they can usually handle the weird stuff thrown their way, this one is trouble.  Use the language to create a sense of danger and urgency.  Leave the casual tone out and go with a sense of "Uh oh..."

It all started out mundane enough Don't represent this as just another case, even if it's like that in the book.  If you do, you're killing the sense of danger.: his squad is shipped south two states into another division's territory to track down a traceless killer I LOVE "traceless killer" but everything before it is unnecessary information for the query and, once again, is casual and therefore lessens tension. .  A traceless, invisible, inhumanly strong, erased from memory, soul-destroying, child molesting, killer "Child molesting" makes me cringe and not in a good way.  It seems over-the-top.  But that might just be me.  Other than that, this line is great!  I think you should follow it up with letting us know that this is something the SIA quickly finds out they can't handle.   Faster than you can say "It can't get any worse", it gets worse: three more kids turn up fantastically dead what does "fantastically dead" mean?  It's definitely the wrong tone. and the killer is revealed to be an ancient demon halfway through a ritual to haul its full presence through the Glyphwall because we don't know what this means, don't know what the consequences are, it means nothing, to be blunt.  Forget the strange word and tell us what this means to the unsuspecting masses in plain English .  The last time that happened was 800 years ago - and it took three crusades and the largest alliance of supernaturals in recorded history to destroy...and most of the crusaders died. This has the potential to be a good line, but it sounds more like a history lesson than a terrifying piece of conflict. You could simplify, but then again, for the sake of the query, I might just take this out.  Because this tells us it's possible to defeat this thing and we therefore KNOW the SIA will be able to defeat this one.  It would make things stronger to set up what looks like an impossible situation instead of just a difficult one

The agents - Mark, the ex-werewolf, Bert the wererhino, Lazaro - aka "Ghost" - the guy with the haunted skull, and Cessily the aquatic shapeshifter are in more than a little too deep. I'd actually take the other characters out of the query and leave them for the book.  I know what this is like because my ms has 5 central characters, but in my query I just focus on the MC and one of the others who brings conflict to the MC's struggle.  Even though the other characters are central to the ms, you don't have the time to develop them all in the query and therefore, all your characters in the query seem weaker.  Stick with Mark, maybe bring in ONE other if the character creates conflict or is a love interest.  Then, DEVELOP Mark a little more.  We know nothing about him so far except he's an ex-werewolf back from vacation.  I know it's not the most tempting move, but I think it will really give depth to the query After they fail to prevent three more ritual murders, they are forced to seek out the demon itself in the empty catacombs of UnderLA.  There's one last victim to save, but he's blinded by love and headed straight to the demon - and he's got a head start. Much too far into the plot and the demon having a head start isn't strong enough conflict.  Figure out a way to end this that gives that "dun dun DUN" feel.  I'm thinking if you strengthen the line about the last people who attempted this dying, that would be a great cliffhanger line.  This might mean digging back into your ms and changing whatever happened the time in the past to make it seem way worse and this time to seem more impossible.  For instance, if the last time the casualties were so high and the task so impossible that doing it again seems impossible.  Or if the demon has been vanquished before, but it's always hinged on some sort of specific criteria (ex: stopping it before it takes the life of a child) and that criteria has just been violated (ex: they find the body of a child).  Or making it personal, making history show that, if repeated again, Mark will die.  The good thing is that if your ms doesn't make this possible right now, diving in and making it possible will probably strengthen the ms and is something you can probably do without affecting the main story very much. 

I have enclosed the first three chapters obviously only do this if requested and an SASE for you convenience I would take this out of your stock query so it doesn't accidentally end up in an e-query, unless you have different stock queries for mail vs. email.  I think you'll find yourself doing much more e-queries because it's much easier and much less expensive (and many agents now only accept e-queries).  Thank you for considering my work. Personally, I always like the line "Thank you for your time and consideration," which I believe was Miss Snark's or the Query Shark's idea closing.  I think it sounds a little more confident while still being grateful and polite. Do what makes you feel best, of course, I just thought I'd suggest that one.

Sincerely,
<ME>

I know that seems like a ton of critique and it's probably going to look overwhelming, but it's really because it's close.  If it were further away I could give structural advice much more succinctly.  Really, the only two things I think you need to address are TONE (working to develop a feeling of urgency) and CHARACTER (developing Mark's character within this query and putting this in his voice).  That's it.  It's a challenge, yes, but something I have every confidence you can handle. 

Best of luck!   

[onefinemess]

Thanks for the excellent feedback DHE, karma!  I like to think I do well with criticism - I mean I do want to be published someday ;).

Is this any better along those lines?



****************************
Dear <X>:

I am seeking representation for THE CASE OF THE SHREDDED SOULS, an urban fantasy about the monsters that stand between us and the things that eat monsters for breakfast, complete at 84,000 words.

When Mark Brand, agent of the Supernatural Investigations Agency woke up this morning, he expected another round of the usual - zombies, vampires, and entirely too many possessions.  Putting your life on the line is the basic job description and Uncle Sam doesn't round up hazard pay for fun.  Besides, someone has to keep the darker side of the supernatural at bay.  Still, he expected only a few lives to hang in the balance… not millions of them.

His squad is shipped south two states into another division's territory to track down a traceless killer.  A traceless, invisible, inhumanly strong, erased from memory, soul-destroying, killer.   But it’s never that simple – the clues are slow coming, and by the time the cards are all on the table, it snaps under their weight.

An ancient demon is pulling itself into our world through the body of a seventeen year old girl, one annihilated teenage soul at a time – and there’s only one soul to go.  The last time one of its kind made it through it took three crusades and the largest alliance of supernaturals in hidden history to destroy.  Mark’s squad must stop the demon from manifesting, or they’ll find out that four probably can’t take the place of four thousand.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
<ME>

**********

It's tough trying to keep everything short - I'm shooting for 3 paragraphs of description (not counting the first intro thing), as that seems to be about what the "standard" calls for.  I particularly couldn't really get much character info in there.  Anytime I started it blew up to at least a paragraph.  The book is definitely more plot than character driven (as is typical of the genre I think), but I have a lot of detail and backstory (and hopefully actual character...) in there for the characters anyway.

However, stuff like this successful query (http://nancyholzner.wordpress.com/2009/07/16/my-slush-pile-query-letterb/) always makes me question just throwing everything out the door.  Especially considering she's writing in my genre, and got pubbed by one of my top few target publishers.  Although it looks like she skipped an agent, which I'm not keen to do...

re: "voice": When I see people talking about voice, it usually translates into some kind of quirky phrasing or character dialogue, but I doubt that is the entirety of it. Still, beyond that I'm not sure exactly how to address this  .

In the end, I wonder if the novel isn't single-character driven enough - it may not be saleable with the near-constant 4 person cast.  Still, I don't think I want to rewrite it, so if that's my failing then it will just be retired.  But not until after I've at least tried querying!

[MaryL]

Wow, wow, wow, Onefinemess.  I only read the last version, but I loved it.  What a fantastic premise. I love UF. The only thing I felt was lacking was a sentence about you. Good luck with your queries.

[DHE]

Wow, you did it again!  A huge jump and this one is so much better!  I think this is REALLY close!  In fact, I think you could probably go with this version and do just fine. 

I agree that a lot of people push for "voice" and mean quirky humor type stuff, but it really doesn't have to be.  It's phrasing things like your character would and making it obvious how your MC feels about what's happening.  I already feel this version has more voice than your last one, but I think you could push it a little more (mostly with the latter--showing how he feels about this: overwhelmed?  Nervous?  Confident?  Ready to kick demon butt?)  Also, I think we need to hear a bit more about who Mark is right up front.  We need to understand something about him that makes him human to us.  What about him would make us want him as our friend or our protector or just a guy we'd want to read about and root for?  Is he the leader of this team or is he trying to prove himself...just anything you find relevant to make us read this query and immediately think, "Hm, I like this guy!" or at least, "This guy would be interesting to read about!"

There's nothing inherently wrong with having multiple MCs.  Just make sure there's a reason you have them--that they play off each other, that you develop them and give them depth and make sure at least one of the characters has a developed character arc.  In the query, you can focus on Mark and not worry about the others and develop the others fully in the ms.  No prob.  The query doesn't have to match your ms exactly, it just has to entice the right agents to want to read more. 

Dear <X>:

I am seeking representation for THE CASE OF THE SHREDDED SOULS, an urban fantasy about the monsters that stand between us and the things that eat monsters for breakfasta little wordy and a cliché in the first line. I liked the simplicity of "bigger" monsters, just, obviously, a different word. Or you could do something that shows the "badder" monsters threat to humans (because the monsters are trying to protect US from the bad monsters, so you'd want to show them as a threat to US, not to the other monsters, yeah?) , complete at 84,000 words.

When ex-werewolf that's interesting, don't cut it! Mark Brand, agent of the Supernatural Investigations Agency woke up this morning, he expected another round of the usual - zombies, vampires, and entirely too many possessions.  Putting your life on the line is the basic job description and Uncle Sam doesn't round up hazard pay for fun This line has voice.  .  Besides, I'd cut this simply because the next sentence starts with "Still," so the structures sound similar someone has to keep the darker side of the supernatural at bay This is a great line!.  Still, he expected only a few lives to hang in the balance… not millions of them. Something about this still doesn't have a huge punch.  I don't think it's real enough, specific enough, so the difference between a few lives and a million doesn't seem that wide because we don't know what it means.  The rest of the paragraph has great structure, I'd just axe the last line and replace it with something simpler.  Forget the "he expected only a few lives to hang in the balance" because that makes lives hanging in the balance seem less urgent, and simply go with "Still, he didn't expect he'd be in charge of saving Los Angeles" or something equally simple and punchy. (I'd encourage you to think of your own line since that one still actually lacks power.)

His squad is shipped south two states into another division's territory sent to track down a traceless killer.  A traceless, invisible, inhumanly strong, erased from memory, soul-destroying, killer.  But it’s never that simple – the clues are slow coming, and by the time the cards are all on the table, it snaps under their weight. This is a wonderfully clever line, but I think it's too vague to mean anything concrete here.  I'm not sure if it can fit somewhere else in the query where it could immediately be paired with a concrete example of what you mean, but it might be best to cut it, even though it's a wonderful piece of writing.  Then I'd keep the paragraph continuous with the next one and break it after "hidden history to destroy"

An ancient demon is pulling itself into our world through the body of a seventeen year old girl, one annihilated teenage soul at a time – and there’s only one soul to go.  The last time one of its kind made it through it took three crusades and the largest alliance of supernaturals in hidden history to destroy.  Mark’s squad must stop the demon from manifesting, or they’ll find out that four probably can’t take the place of four thousand I LOVE the comparison of four to four thousand, I just think the structure of this line is a bit off.  I think you need to phrase it more like "last time they had four thousand, this time they have four" type of thing so it ends with more of a punch.  So that's the conflict (what makes reaching the solution impossible seeming), but we're still missing the stakes--what happens if the demon manifests?  You don't have to go into detail or anything, but the demon manifesting isn't enough to scare us, we need to know that something we care about is at stake (whether that's our world, something we're familiar with, or even your character). .

Thank you for your time and consideration,
<ME>

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It's tough trying to keep everything short - I'm shooting for 3 paragraphs of description (not counting the first intro thing), as that seems to be about what the "standard" calls for.  I particularly couldn't really get much character info in there.  Anytime I started it blew up to at least a paragraph.  The book is definitely more plot than character driven (as is typical of the genre I think), but I have a lot of detail and backstory (and hopefully actual character...) in there for the characters anyway. I agree you shouldn't get too much into all your characters, but you do need to give us something about Mark that makes us care about him in this query.  That means giving us a sense of the type of guy he is. 

However, stuff like this successful query (http://nancyholzner.wordpress.com/2009/07/16/my-slush-pile-query-letterb/) always makes me question just throwing everything out the door.  Especially considering she's writing in my genre, and got pubbed by one of my top few target publishers.  Although it looks like she skipped an agent, which I'm not keen to do...

re: "voice": When I see people talking about voice, it usually translates into some kind of quirky phrasing or character dialogue, but I doubt that is the entirety of it. Still, beyond that I'm not sure exactly how to address this  .

In the end, I wonder if the novel isn't single-character driven enough - it may not be saleable with the near-constant 4 person cast.  Still, I don't think I want to rewrite it, so if that's my failing then it will just be retired.  But not until after I've at least tried querying!