Science fiction Query, Desert Death, I hate Queries, help please.

[donald63]

Dear Mr. Agent

While on a routine assignment to test the soon to be launched Mars Rover, Dr. Kurt James, geologist and team leader, discovers a new life form in a remote section of Atacama Desert of Chile. His quiet laid-back lifestyle and plans to explore the odd formations in the surrounding desert, changes to pandemonium, as he searches for a way to end the threat and save lives.

The chaos and turmoil that ensued from the Rover's discovery triggers a raging war. The silicon-based life form begins killing both man and his machines. It reproduces until it threatens to engulf the continent, moving with a malevolent intelligence that increases with its size.

Kurt survives enemy helicopter attacks, a president gone mad, and, oh yes---the romantic overtures of his ex-wife, while watching the military and scientific expert's mismanage the investigation of the life form, nicknamed Alf. Hundreds die before he and his ex-wife unlock the secrets of the earth killing entity, but will he choose to save his self, or become the hero he never wanted to be. The wrong choice could finish humanity...

My 79,000-word contemporary science fiction novel, DEATH FROM THE DESERT, is a completed stand-alone novel with series' potential. I see from QueryTracker.Net and your agency's website that you represent science fiction authors.

Personl Thanks()

[MarkQuiet]

I see that this is your first post. 
And your first karma for your first post being the Query. Wow. That is callenging. Okay, so my take on your query - remember its just my opinion.

It seems like the tense you use switches from present to past and back again. It's really confusing. Queries should be written in present tense - always. Typically the first paragraph should be a hook. Something to grab the agents attention to make them read more. Not everyone uses them, but it is something to consider. Your first paragraph starts slow and grows into confusion. The second sentence I had to read two or three times to understand what you meant. Had I been an agent it would have gone to the rejection pile. An agent doesn't want to have to stop to re-read something.

Next paragraph increases the confusion - who exactly discovered the life form - the Rover or the team? And what's this about a war? Political war - or wait you are talking about the life form and man. So what's up with the machines? Why would they want to kill the machines - they are silicon based.

Then we get into the third paragraph and we learn that other things about the story - but also come up with more confusion. What's with the ex-wife? Is she an integral part of the the story - it looks like it. If so then don't make it a side bar. The last two lines is a bit confusing. Aliens are killing the human race and he is part of the human race - why wouldn't he want to stop them?

Though you have an interesting idea, the storyline of your book I don't think is represented well. Work on telling the agent what the book is about - be straight forward, but be creative.

Hope this helps.

[A_Greenlief]

  with Mark.  I think you need to simplify this a bit, but try to retain your narrative voice.  I can tell from your letter that you're a good writer.  I like the concept of your novel and the voice you use.  Unfortunately, your query is confusing as it stands right now. 

Keep in mind you're pitching this to someone who has no idea what the story is about.  That means keeping your explanations simple.  Now, I'm not implying that you lose your creativity...

Also, as Mark pointed out--stay in present tense.  I think by doing that alone with a re-write you'll see improvement.

Karma for posting and good luck!   

[donald63]

Thanks for the help, sometimes the I can't see the tree from the forest.

[Rachel]

Dear Mr. Agent

While on a routine assignment to test the soon to be launched Mars Rover, Dr. Kurt James, geologist and team leader, discovers a (dangerous or some other adj.) new life form in a remote section of Atacama Desert of Chile. His quiet laid-back lifestyle and plans to explore the odd formations in the surrounding desert, changes to pandemonium, as he searches for a way to end the threat and save lives. (This sentence loses me)

The chaos and turmoil that ensued from the Rover's discovery triggers a raging war. The silicon-based life form begins killing both man and his machines. It reproduces until it threatens to engulf the continent, moving with a malevolent intelligence that increases with its size. 

Kurt survives enemy helicopter attacks, a president gone mad, and, oh yes---the romantic overtures of his ex-wife, while watching the military and scientific expert's mismanage the investigation of the life form, nicknamed Alf. Hundreds die before he and his ex-wife unlock the secrets of the earth killing entity, but will he choose to save his self, or become the hero he never wanted to be. The wrong choice could finish humanity...

My 79,000-word contemporary science fiction novel, DEATH FROM THE DESERT, is a completed stand-alone novel with series' potential. I see from QueryTracker.Net and your agency's website that you represent science fiction authors.

Personl Thanks()

I am by no means any kind of expert when it comes to the formidable query... but it seems the consensus is that the query needs to be concise with an irresistible hook. I do agree with the previous posts about pitching the story to someone who has no idea what your story is about.  To me this is one of the hardest things because it is so hard to pull yourself out of the story.  You know it too well.  Anyway, that's my two-cents for what it's worth.  Good luck.  Your story sounds interesting.

rq

[lizziehahn]

You've got a mix of gritty, doomsday SciFi elements and what seems to be a slightly flip romantic thread following the subplot with the ex wife; I probably haven't hit quite the right balance because I don't really know how important each of those things is to your story, but here's a "take" on summarizing the action that I think is a little more clear/concise.

Kurt James, geologist, relishes his assignment to a remote test site in Chile’s Atacama Desert.  It’s an incredible professional opportunity, and it’ll be a welcome break from the mixed messages his ex wife has been sending. 
When the team discovers a silicon-based life form in the desert sand, Kurt is the only one to survive its deadly assault.  While he tries to warn the public and orchestrate some kind of counterattack, the voracious alien entity known as Alf continues its rampage.  As the destruction spreads Alf grows larger, stronger and seemingly more intelligent.
Humanity is doomed unless Kurt can find the creature’s weakness, and much as he hates to admit it, his ex may be the only one who can help him do it.   

NB - Don't actually say humanity is doomed, because, you know, cliche alert : )

[donald63]

Thanks for all the help. I truly hate Query's. I am rewriting with all the suggestions in mind. Hope I can repay you sometime.

[DavidFWeisman]

Say briefly how the new life form is threatening, so we don't wonder 'what threat' he wants to end, and have a hint what ending it might entail.  It sounds like the silicon based life form doesn't start killing or doing anything dangerous when he first discovers it.

Mentioning the rover in the second paragraph is distracting, I think you should just leave it out of the query.

Does the new life form have human allies, or can it actually control helicopters?

There's room for trimming here, so you can add in exactly what the President does to hinder (maybe leave out the narrative summary crazy) and some other specific details. 

Trims to consider follow in parenthesis.  They just show what might be left out to add details that show the logic and uniqueness of the plot, you'll want to rewrite afterwards.

While on a (routine) assignment to test the (soon to be launched) Mars Rover, Dr. Kurt James, (geologist and team leader,) discovers a new life form in a remote (section of Atacama) Desert (of Chile). His (quiet laid-back lifestyle and) plans to explore the odd formations in the surrounding desert(,) change(s) to pandemonium(,) as he searches for a way to end the threat and save lives.

The chaos (and turmoil) that ensued from the Rover's discovery triggers a (raging) war. The silicon-based life form begins killing both man and his machines. It reproduces until it threatens to engulf the continent, moving with a malevolent intelligence that increases with its size.