QUERY: It's a boy he's a WIZARD!!!!!!11!! You've got to see this!

[Tabris]

Dear Agent:

I know you're smart enough to recognize a best-seller when you see one, so I've attached the full manuscripts of the first three books of my seven-book series about a young wizard who saves the earth while attending middle school. I haven't come up with a title yet but I don't think it's worth worrying about that because the publisher changes your title anyhow.

This young wizard's mother had these amazing eyes and she loved him so much and then she got killed and that sucked for him because he went to live with his aunt and uncle who mistreated him and made him live under the stairway. But then something happens and everything changes. Apparently his parents got murdered by a powerful wizard who wanted to rule the world and now he has a scar and maybe some powers of his own. I don't want to tell you how it ends because that would ruin the surprise, but after a lot of magic and some fighting and in the later books people even die, so it's edgy too.

These will be my first published novels but my kid really loves them so I know everyone else will too. I got the idea while I was on a train ride and I wrote the first chapter and the last one and I carry them with me wherever I go because I love them so much.

Please let me know when I can sign the agency contract or if you want to meet for lunch first. Please hurry because I'm a single mom and I need the money.

Sincerely,

Me

[JannaT]

I caught the obvious query don'ts, and I know this is supposed to be a joke, but it's actually better than my first query attempts 

[lisarogers]

Way to go Tabris I'm sure this one will be snagged up instantly.  WOO HOO for you.

[clutzattack]

Dear Me,

Thank you for your patience while we considered <Script Error: Title Not Found>.

Although I enjoyed the premise, I’m afraid I found it difficult to become truly engaged with the characters and the narrative.

Also, given that the market is already super saturated with a similar series—enough so that I can go to any used book store and pick up enough copies to wallpaper my 5,000 square foot mansion with, then have and endless supply of coarse toilet paper tear-out wipes for my eight bathrooms,  I cannot remotely think of accepting another project of this nature.

In today’s competitive market, you want an agent who fully understands your vision, and is 100% behind your work. I’m only 99%.

Yours truly,

Harry Squatter &
The Chafed Proofreader

[peacock]

 :emb2:I asked for your opinion on my first query and you can attest to how bad my first query was.

[MarvaD]

I'm still writing Worst Queries and have yet to get what these agents want. You're saying they all want something different? Oh, well. No wonder.