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Queries and Agents => World's Worst Query Letters => Topic started by: kharmamea on August 29, 2013, 08:35:03 AM

Title: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: kharmamea on August 29, 2013, 08:35:03 AM
This isn’t the worst query since my first query attempt holds that title. But it’s up there.

    Dear Mrs Agent.

     Please don’t think I'm insincere with this compliment but you are hot! Seriously you could have had a great career as a centerfold model! If you ever in the area give me a jingle 123-456-7890 and we could meet to discuss my book and get to know each other better , maybe a lot better, if you know what I mean. ;) 

    Well any way, you don’t know it yet but  if we can work out a suitable financial package you are about to represent the next best selling author of all time! I’m sure you heard that before but honestly with me it’s true.
     
     My book is supremely interesting, very very very exciting, and people are just going to love it. It’s about me. It’s called ME. The insights I go into about being me, and the things that have happened to me, is just going to touch people and amaze them like never before. It’s all there from birth, early childhood, grade school, etc. But it really gets interesting when I start talking about the girlfriends I’ve had. Every steamy detail, and every failure they had in being a good girlfriend are written about. This is going to be a series (who knows maybe you’ll end up in my next book ;)

At 20,000 words it may be alittle short , but people today want short books, they just don’t have the attention span or time to read much more. Besides I figured you could hire a photographer and we could fill it out with pictures of me.

I’ve enclosed the book, so know you are going to be the first lucky person to read it, and trust me it is that good nothing will need to be changed. 

So give me a call tomorrow 123-456-7890 so we can talk money and set up a time to meet in my hometown.

Did I mention you are hot?
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: oldbag on August 29, 2013, 08:57:52 AM
K,

I really think you should send this out to multiple agents.  (Just to see what happens...)

(Use someone else's e-mail account)

Think of the interesting article you could write if it results in restraining orders and stuff.

-oldbag
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: kharmamea on August 29, 2013, 09:42:27 AM
ob,
     There is a positive spin on restraining orders that I hadn't thought of before. Thanks for the good advice. Would you write to me in jail if I'm convicted?  :)
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: bodwen on August 29, 2013, 10:11:33 AM
K,

I really think you should send this out to multiple agents.  (Just to see what happens...)

(Use someone else's e-mail account)

Think of the interesting article you could write if it results in restraining orders and stuff.

-oldbag

I think it would be interesting of he has to take out a restraining order against one of them.
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: oldbag on August 29, 2013, 12:03:28 PM
K,

I really think you should send this out to multiple agents.  (Just to see what happens...)

(Use someone else's e-mail account)

Think of the interesting article you could write if it results in restraining orders and stuff.

-oldbag

I think it would be interesting of he has to take out a restraining order against one of them.

HA! (Still chuckling over here - thanks, bodwen)
-oldbag
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: Nostrabuttus on August 31, 2013, 10:01:25 AM
Kharmamea, you need to add  more about yourself. I think a Literary agent would want to know your record of arrests and any felonies you may have commented. Other than  those things, you are good to go.


Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: kharmamea on September 01, 2013, 07:03:55 AM
I thought about that Nostra, but I figured I'd tell her over drinks. It'd probably turn her on to know what a bad and naughty boy I am.
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: Dani Donegan (Cradle) on September 01, 2013, 07:33:39 AM
 :rolf: :rolf:
I thought about that Nostra, but I figured I'd tell her over drinks. It'd probably turn her on to know what a bad and naughty boy I am.

Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: kharmamea on September 29, 2013, 10:12:13 AM
To the people on QT.

     Dang, I haven't heard from any agents yet, damn gatekeepers. Do you think I should put more pressure on the interns, maybe invite them personally out for a snort. Also I realize a huge boner (for us hip writers that refers to def #2 (mistake))I made. I forgot to include pictures of myself. My question is do you think a picture of myself in a bathing suit would be alright or since I am a professional writer, do you think it should be a picture of myself in a bathing suit with a pencil in my hand? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: bodwen on September 29, 2013, 12:45:10 PM
I think you should be really creative and pose in your bathing suiting and a frown of intense concentration, with the pencil jabbed up against the lens of the camera.  The agent will realize that the picture is from the pov of your current manuscript and chuckle at your cleverness. 

You know what they say: show don't tell.    :wink:
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: kharmamea on December 13, 2013, 03:42:00 PM
Ms Agent,

    Oops I almost forgot here are some edorsements proving that i'm a good writer.

"He is very very very very good writer." Tom Badawaco
"This was the bestest writing I ever red" Jill N. Smarto
"If I was a agent I'd pay a lot of money to sign him up, his books are going to all be best cellers" Ida Frupenbacker

    As you can see, everybody who has read my stuff, thinks its great. So come on, lets get it going. Times awaisting. 
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: kharmamea on January 27, 2014, 09:36:32 PM
Dear MS Agent,

     O.K. I couldn't understand why you weren't responding. I went through the checklist and I did everything perfect.

      1. Complimented you
      2. Offered you drinks
      3. Hinted I might put you in my book
      4. Submitted pics of myself in a bathing suit
      5. Sent you endorsements
     
    That only leaves three possibilities.

      1. You are stupid
      2. You are blind
      3. You are gay

    Since you are a book agent, I'm going to cross out #1. and #2. Well, definitely #2 maybe not #1.

      O.K. I get it. You don't have to be embarrassed. But let's not let your issues stop the world from reading my book. If it makes you feel better I can invite the spinster lady who lives down the street (good chance she might like you), when you come over to sign the contract. Now that is all settled give me a call to set up a time.
 
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: bodwen on January 28, 2014, 12:05:34 AM
That only leaves three possibilities.

      1. You are stupid
      2. You are blind
      3. You are gay

    Since you are a book agent, I'm going to cross out #1. and #2. Well, definitely #2 maybe not #1.

Oh, snap!    :wag:
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: kharmamea on February 13, 2014, 03:51:29 AM
Bowden
Quote
Oh, snap!    :wag:

What can I say? I bad, maybe just downright evil... I can't help it. Hope no real agents are looking.  ;D
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: aimi786 on February 24, 2014, 03:45:37 AM
haha ooohh I would love you to send that just to see the response haha.
I'm still giggling even after reading it many times!  :clap:
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: kharmamea on February 28, 2014, 09:34:52 AM
Aimi,
Quote
I'm still giggling even after reading it many times!

Thank you for the compliment. Sometimes I wonder if other people find my attempts at humor as funny as I had hoped to make it.
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: kharmamea on March 29, 2014, 06:56:29 AM
Ms Agent,

     My patience is wearing thin, obviously your ability for picking mega blockbusting best cellars is forever blocked by your blatant man hating ways. The only reason you drive a BMW and wear fancy smancy shoes (yeah unlike some lazy people I do my research) is because of your husband's fat paycheck as a corporate yes man. 

    I am not an unreasonable nor an unforgiving man. If you would like to make something of your life and decide to pull your head out of your ass so you can see the tremendous talent I am, I will give you one last chance to do so. Put your emotionally damaged baggage aside and concentrate on the millions I am going to make you. That's right millions!! I an bestowing upon you the opportunity to suck off my talent and make millions for handing my book, to the right publisher.  Stop being an idiot, and do the write thing. The write thing (ha ha) get it?

    Look, I am tired of being forced to raid my neighbors bird feeder to sustain my nourishment because you have been remiss in pursing this golden opportunity. This isn't rocket science, just sign me up, and give some blood sucking leech of a publisher my book immediately so we all can benefit from my genius.

   Sorry if this letter seems a tad bit harsh, but sometimes a good kick in the pants and some tough love is called for.

   PS. I still think you're hot.

   
 
       
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: Karloff on February 28, 2015, 09:31:48 PM
 :rolf:
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: KellyFriedman2013 on March 03, 2015, 10:06:54 AM
 :clap:
I am dying! This is just too great!!

The sad part is, I wouldn't doubt it if some versions of these "queries" have made it through...
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: elysezane on June 18, 2015, 01:55:39 AM
kharmamea, I realize you posted this nearly two years ago, but I am laughing uproariously NOW--your humor keeps on giving. Rejections have me down, and I really needed this--thank you!
Title: Re: May not be the worst but its up there
Post by: kharmamea on November 14, 2015, 09:36:02 AM
Karloff, Kellyfriedman, Elysezanne,

Thanks so much for letting me know you found my posts funny. It always makes my day when I can tickle somebody's funny bone.