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Queries and Agents => Query Review => Topic started by: seashelljax on November 02, 2017, 05:52:25 PM



Title: Query: PHOEBE'S FETISH
Post by: seashelljax on November 02, 2017, 05:52:25 PM
Hello,

I'm new here and I desperately need some help with my query. Here goes...

Attn. Ms. Whomever,



After an abused model discovers she’s actually a secret Internet porn sensation, she turns to her ditzy best friend and her brother to help break her free from her abusive husband.



Karen Dunn's violent, philandering husband demands she spend her time working as a fetish model named Phoebe, even though she hates it. Every minute of her life is spent dreaming of getting out of her brutal marriage. She is almost completely isolated from the world. Her only solace is her best friend and neighbor, who is moving in a few days. Karen wants to go with her but she knows that if she tried her husband would hurt her, or worse.



Link LaBarr has it all, until he loses his job and walks in on his fiancée in bed with another man, on the same day. Depressed and suicidal, he travels from California to Florida to say his final goodbye to his sister. Link’s own problems take a back seat when he meets Karen, his sister's best friend. He feels compelled to help his sister, but isn't so sure about Karen. When the true nature of Karen’s work is revealed, Link and his sister help hatch a plot to get Karen away from her husband. But Karen and Link's constant bickering hides a growing passion between the two. And if Karen's husband finds out about her feelings for Link, he'll kill them both.



PHOEBE'S FETISH is a 55,000-word romantic adventure. My own experiences as a top fetish model were the inspiration for PHOEBE'S FETISH. Thank you for your time and consideration.



Sincerely,

My Name

I think I need a bio but was told not to include one. Can any of you help me sort this out? Thanks in advance!


Title: Re: Query: PHOEBE'S FETISH
Post by: MKWrites_318 on November 02, 2017, 08:07:04 PM
First recommendation is don't have the query from the perspective of two different people. It's confusing and typically regarded as a no-go. Link is obviously crucial to the story, but you don't have to write him in from his POV.

I would also add more voice, because while the concept is a good one (seriously), the read of the query is a little flat.


After an abused model discovers she’s actually a secret Internet porn sensation, she turns to her ditzy best friend and her brother to help break her free from her abusive husband. If this is your hook, I'd punch it up a little and give the name of your protagonist.


Karen Dunn's violent, philandering husband demands she spend her time working I would shorten this and use stronger verbs: "forces her to work as..." as a fetish model named Phoebe, even though she hates it. The last clause is unnecessary. If she's working against her will and dreaming of escaping him, we know she hates it. Every minute of her life is spent dreaming of getting out of her brutal marriage. She is almost completely isolated from the world. Her only solace is her best friend and neighbor, who is moving in a few days. I'd add more emotion here. It'll up the energy. Karen wants to go with her but she knows that if she trieds her husband wouldwill hurt her, or worse. I would use stronger language than "hurt her." Not because hurting isn't bad enough, but because it's just a little wanting as a description.


Link LaBarr has it all, until he loses his job and walks in on his fiancée in bed with another man, on the same day. Depressed and suicidal, he travels from California to Florida to say his final goodbye to his sister. Link’s own problems take a back seat when he meets Karen, his sister's best friend. He feels compelled to help his sister, but isn't so sure about Karen. Just realized the "her brother" from the first paragraph is her best friend's brother and not Karen's. I might be having an off day, but you might wanna clear it up just in case. When the true nature of Karen’s work is revealed, Link and his sister help hatch a plot to get Karen away from her husband. But Karen and Link's constant bickering hides a growing passion between the two. And if Karen's husband finds out about her feelings for Link, he'll kill them both. I'd just rework this from Karen's perspective, and again, up the energy. The stakes are clear, but it doesn't read with the urgency of a woman trapped in an abusive marriage and forced into fetish work.


The idea is grabbing for sure!

I can't help you with the bio question, because I'm still not sure how to write one myself. ???

Best of luck!  :)


Title: Re: Query: PHOEBE'S FETISH
Post by: mgmystery on November 03, 2017, 08:11:45 AM
I like the premise here too. I think the uniqueness shows with the mention of Karen not knowing she's internet famous. Technically, a query can have two POVs if the book is written in multi POV But it's only recommended if it helps sell it. I agree with MK's advice. Horrible things are happening to Karen, so make sure your word choice displays that.

After an abused model discovers she’s actually a secret Internet porn sensation, she turns to her ditzy best friend and her brother to help break her free from her abusive husband. (This sentence literally tells everything in your query. I think it would have a lot more impact with Karen's POV. Karen Dunn's dream marriage became a soul-crushing reality decades ago when her husband started hitting her, but she never realized scum could sink so low... I want to follow with how he managed to do this without her knowing, but I don't know what's in your story.)

To stop the beatings,Karen Dunn's violent, philandering husband demands she spends her time working as a fetish model named Phoebe, even though she hates it. Every minute of her life is spent dreaming of getting out of her brutal marriage. As if supporting her abusive cheating husband isn't enough, She is almost completely isolated from the world. Her only solace is her best friend and neighbor, Name. But Name is moving.who is moving in a few days. Karen longs wants to go with her but she's past believing in dreams. Her husband would track her down and kill her. knows that if she tried her husband would hurt her, or worse.

Link LaBarr has it all, until he loses his job and walks in on his fiancée in bed with another man, on the same day. Depressed and suicidal, he travels from California to Florida to say his final goodbye to his sister. Link’s own problems take a back seat when he meets Karen, his sister's best friend. He feels compelled to help his sister, but isn't so sure about Karen. When the true nature of Karen’s work is revealed, Link and his sister help hatch a plot to get Karen away from her husband. But Karen and Link's constant bickering hides a growing passion between the two. And if Karen's husband finds out about her feelings for Link, he'll kill them both. (I think this final paragraph would be stronger in Karen's POV We're invested in her story and want to know how Link affects her. Does he show up at the last minute & delay the move?)

PHOEBE'S FETISH is a 55,000-word romantic adventure. My own experiences as a top fetish model were the inspiration for PHOEBE'S FETISH. Thank you for your time and consideration. (It's usually fine to go without a bio paragraph if you have no writing experience. The sentence about your past explains your knowledge about the subject.)



Title: Re: Query: PHOEBE'S FETISH
Post by: MichelleG on November 03, 2017, 07:13:34 PM
I think you need to say something about the plot.  Otherwise, the two paragraphs kind of say the same thing - Karen needs to get out, oh yeah and there is link. You need some depth to the query.


Title: Re: Query: PHOEBE'S FETISH
Post by: newtothis22 on November 07, 2017, 09:05:30 PM
I agree that it sounds interesting. I was a little confused at first if it was Karen's brother or her best friends. 


Title: Re: Query: PHOEBE'S FETISH
Post by: deutschlandchick on November 15, 2017, 06:26:47 PM
I agree...you need to mention the name of your female main character right away...for some reason it makes the hook better....good luck!