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Queries and Agents => Opening Sentence/Paragraph => Topic started by: lazyprotagonist on November 20, 2017, 01:48:49 PM



Title: Support Staff (Still not entirely sure what genre it is)
Post by: lazyprotagonist on November 20, 2017, 01:48:49 PM
Galilee Flynn thought rock bottom was eating a Cheeto off her elderly pug Toddle, while watching the Real Housewives of Bustling City.  This was before Fair City’s Tackiest burst through her door, all shouting their own catch phrase, apologizing for startling the dog and promptly knocking her out.


Title: Re: Support Staff (Still not entirely sure what genre it is)
Post by: Thanksgiving400 on November 21, 2017, 08:30:00 PM
It reads almost like a long log line, but does give us some idea of who Galilee is. You may want to consider if you can make the first line catchier, active the scene more. If this is Rock bottom, its pretty damn nice, Galilee Flynn thought as she ate Cheetos off her and watched trashy daytime TV. She licked the orange fuzz from her fingers, and wiped the rest off Toddle's head.
Her neighbor fired up his lawnmower, and she cursed him as she hit the volume button on her remote. She grunted when nothing happened. "Damn batteries! Can today get any worse, Toddle?"
The sound of her door flying open answered her question.

In regards to your lines below, I think you have some tense issues. Decide if its told in the present or past.

Quote
Galilee Flynn thought rock bottom was eating a Cheeto off her elderly pug Toddle (no comma) while watching the Real Housewives of Bustling City.  This was before Fair City’s Tackiest burst through her door, all shouting their own catch phrase, apologizing edfor startling the dog and promptly knocking edher out.


Title: Re: Support Staff (Still not entirely sure what genre it is)
Post by: lazyprotagonist on November 28, 2017, 08:08:56 AM
Thank you so much. Those are some excellent notes. At the moment this is still a rough draft (it's my NaNoWriMo project). But I'm nearly finished and wanted a jumping off point for when I start revisions. Thank you again!