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Queries and Agents => Post your Elevator Pitch => Topic started by: dancingdove311 on August 22, 2019, 04:20:02 PM

Title: THE LAST CRIMSON LAMENT (YA Fantasy) for #pitmad
Post by: dancingdove311 on August 22, 2019, 04:20:02 PM
Hi all!

I'm hoping to have this manuscript ready for PitMad on 5 Sept, but it's proving difficult to pitch in a tweet. Here's my attempt! I've had to abbreviate and use slashes way more than I'd like, but I really want to get all this info in.

I appreciate any feedback!


Edit: I forgot the PitMad hashtag, so I had to condense further
BansheeOrigin+Trist/Isol

18yo banshee Isla wails to pay the Nethercourt, placating the damned w/ souls. When loving a kind kelpie shows her the banshees’ brutality/leads to his enslavement, she must save him/find a new way to pay w/out losing him, herself, her people.

#YA #F #LGBT



BansheeOrigin+Tris/Isol

18yo banshee Isla wails to pay the Nethercourt, placating the damned w/ souls. When loving a kind kelpie bares the banshees’ brutality/leads to his enslavement, she must save him/find a new way to pay w/out losing him/herself/her people.

#PitMad #YA #F #LGBT

Title: Re: THE LAST CRIMSON LAMENT (YA Fantasy) for #pitmad
Post by: Mentha piperita on August 24, 2019, 11:24:38 AM
These are tough, aren't they? I'm struggling with my own.

Like you said, I think the slashes and abbreviations are making it harder to read. I don't think they're really helping you give more information, either. I don't think the title and comparison really helps either, so I, for one, would cut that in favor of adding detail to the main description. Another thing I'd cut is the name "Nethercourt," because I don't know what that means and you don't have the space to explain. If you could find a couple of words to explain what the Nethercourt is, roughly, I think that would be better. I wrote up an example below, but obviously I'm just putting some random details. I also think you've got something grammatical going on in your last sentence.


BansheeOrigin+Tris/Isol

18yo banshee Isla wails to pay the Nethercourt, placating the damned w/ souls. When loving a kind kelpie bares the banshees’ brutality/leads to his enslavement, she must save him/find a new way to pay w/out losing him/herself/her people.

#PitMad #YA #F #LGBT



As a young banshee, Isla placates damned souls with her wailing. When she falls in love with a kind kelpie, her people enslave her lover. Now she must find a new way to fulfill her responsibility or else the spirits will destroy everything she cares about.
#PitMad #YA #F #LGBT

(276 characters)
Title: Re: THE LAST CRIMSON LAMENT (YA Fantasy) for #pitmad
Post by: dancingdove311 on August 24, 2019, 03:58:24 PM
Thanks! I'll try again.

I really want to pitch it as an origin story of the banshee meets the tragedy of Tristan and Isolde, because I think that really gets the essence of it across, but it's hard to get that in, and get in a hook.
Title: Re: THE LAST CRIMSON LAMENT (YA Fantasy) for #pitmad
Post by: dancingdove311 on August 24, 2019, 04:27:42 PM
Okay, two new options in two different formats. Hopefully these are better!

#1:

18yo banshee Isla wails to placate the damned, paying w/ souls. When a romance w/ a kind kelpie makes her question her people’s violence and leads to his enslavement, she must save him and find a new way to pay w/out losing all she cares for—including herself.

#PitMad #YA #F #LGBT

-------------------
#2:

Origin story of banshee X tragedy of Tristan/Isolde

A murderous 18yo banshee

A kelpie whose refusal to kill her teaches her the value of life

A court of the damned that must be paid in souls

Isla must find a way to pay w/out losing everyone she loves—and herself.

#PitMad #YA #F #LGBT