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Query Review / Re: Numberless as Birds - YA Fantasy

« Last post by MKWrites_318 on Today at 09:36:25 AM »

Andromache used to despise the necromancers. If you're going to do a single sentence here, I would start with more of a hook.

Death in Diaene is not always permanent, and wayward souls abound. Behind the foreboding walls of the Atropos seminary, seventeen-year-old Andromache learned how to perform the rites that would doom the newly dead to an eternity in the Underworld.

It was her sacred duty. It was worth renouncing all else to complete. I would combine this with the previous paragraph.

But when overzealous fruit vendor and aspiring poet Emrys walks through the seminary gates, Andromache finds she now has something she would risk everything for. And when tragedy strikes, she knows she cannot accept it. This sentence confused me. I didn't know if the "it" was the tragedy or the potential of a future with Emrys. The next paragraph indicates that Emrys was killed and that's what you're talking about, but I would say that outright. Don't leave room for confusion with a query.

She is searching for a necromancer (I'm assuming that necromancers don't merely communicate with the dead but raise them too?) when her former classmates overpower her. She watches the girls she grew up alongside banish the remnants of Emrys’ soul.

The pain is too colossal to endure, and the solution seems as obvious as it is impossible. She cannot leave Emrys in that shadowy abyss alone. She must journey to the Underworld and get him back. I thought Emrys was a girl until this moment. You might want to clarify his gender earlier.

Thinking herself too uninteresting to attract the sympathy of Death, She abducts famous medic Florizel Regas, hoping to Death will exchange him for her lost love. But Florizel is not quite the hero his reputation suggests. And as Andromache begins her journey (with a worryingly unsaintly sacrifice), the delicate balance between life and death becomes increasingly blurred. I feel like this can be shortened somehow, but without knowing your story, I don't want to take too many liberties.

This is a task for heroes, and Andromache is no hero. As the Atroposes, (I would use a more familiar word here) bent on her capture, close in, she must decide just what she is willing to exchange for another moment with someone she loves.

NUMBERLESS AS BIRDS is a 78,000 YA fantasy that presents a darkly feminist twist on the Orpheus myth. It is a standalone with series potential.

Obviously, my suggestions are just suggestions. Don't take anything that you don't respond to.

While it's not too long, there are too many paragraphs. I would do about half as many paragraphs, if you can. And I'm not sure her hatred of necromancers is worth mentioning, unless you also explain how they contrast with her role as a seminarian. Make sure you include a bit of a bio - don't worry about posting it on this site though.

I LOVE the idea of a feminist Orpheus. Good luck!

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Query Review / Re: Numberless as Birds - YA Fantasy

« Last post by SnugglePuggle on Today at 09:29:46 AM »

Hi everyone,
New here (and to querying!) Would really appreciate any and all feedback 

Dear Agent,
Andromache used to despise the necromancers. -Why? Did they attack her or her family? Might want to explain more.

Death in Diaene is not always permanent, and wayward souls abound. Behind the foreboding walls of the Atropos seminary, seventeen-year-old Andromache learned how to perform the rites that would doom the newly dead to an eternity in the Underworld.

It was her sacred duty. It was worth renouncing all else to complete.  I like this sentence! Good description.

But when overzealous fruit vendor and aspiring poet Emrys walks through the seminary gates, Andromache finds she now has something she would risk everything for. And when tragedy strikes, she knows she cannot accept it.

She is searching for a necromancer when her former classmates overpower her. She watches the girls she grew up alongside banish the remnants of Emrys’ soul.

The pain is too colossal to endure, and the solution seems as obvious as it is impossible. She cannot leave Emrys in that shadowy abyss alone. She must journey to the Underworld and get him back.

Thinking herself too uninteresting to attract the sympathy of Death, she abducts famous medic Florizel Regas, hoping to exchange him for her lost love. But Florizel is not quite the hero his reputation suggests. And as Andromache begins her journey (with a worryingly unsaintly sacrifice), the delicate balance between life and death becomes increasingly blurred.

This is a task for heroes, and Andromache is no hero. As the Atroposes, bent on her capture, close in, she must decide just what she is willing to exchange for another moment with someone she loves. This last sentence reads a bit weird to me. Who are the Atroposes? Why do they want her? And maybe try this: As the Atroposes close in, Andromache must decide what she is willing to exchange for...etc etc. Just my thoughts but you don't have to use it if you don't want too

NUMBERLESS AS BIRDS is a 78,000 word YA fantasy that presents a darkly feminist twist on the Orpheus myth. It is a standalone with series potential. Is there another work or author that is similar to you? Some agents like that to be put here.

Hi! Welcome to QT! Although this type of fantasy is not my cup of tea, it definitely got me intrigued! There are a few ways you could maybe expand more so that the agent can understand it clearer. I'm not sure how to explain it but as I read, I was still trying to get a gist of what was going on, if you get what I mean? But overall it was good, and you touch on the main characters wants and the risk to get it. But of course, you don't always have to use all the suggestions. Good luck!

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Query Review / Numberless as Birds - YA Fantasy

« Last post by roree_r on Today at 09:02:32 AM »

Hi everyone,
New here (and to querying!) Would really appreciate any and all feedback 

Dear Agent,
Andromache used to despise the necromancers.

Death in Diaene is not always permanent, and wayward souls abound. Behind the foreboding walls of the Atropos seminary, seventeen-year-old Andromache learned how to perform the rites that would doom the newly dead to an eternity in the Underworld.

It was her sacred duty. It was worth renouncing all else to complete.  

But when overzealous fruit vendor and aspiring poet Emrys walks through the seminary gates, Andromache finds she now has something she would risk everything for. And when tragedy strikes, she knows she cannot accept it. 

She is searching for a necromancer when her former classmates overpower her. She watches the girls she grew up alongside banish the remnants of Emrys’ soul. 

The pain is too colossal to endure, and the solution seems as obvious as it is impossible. She cannot leave Emrys in that shadowy abyss alone. She must journey to the Underworld and get him back.

Thinking herself too uninteresting to attract the sympathy of Death, she abducts famous medic Florizel Regas, hoping to exchange him for her lost love. But Florizel is not quite the hero his reputation suggests. And as Andromache begins her journey (with a worryingly unsaintly sacrifice), the delicate balance between life and death becomes increasingly blurred.

This is a task for heroes, and Andromache is no hero. As the Atroposes, bent on her capture, close in, she must decide just what she is willing to exchange for another moment with someone she loves.

NUMBERLESS AS BIRDS is a 78,000 YA fantasy that presents a darkly feminist twist on the Orpheus myth. It is a standalone with series potential.

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Query Review / Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance

« Last post by SnugglePuggle on Today at 08:47:39 AM »

I agree with the advice you've gotten from Kjk and rivergirl. I would add:

1. I've never seen someone described as having "a pair of abs." Since defined abs typically come in sets of six or eight, that seemed a little odd to me.

2. Helpers on the other site told you to leave out the action and focus on the romance, and that's fair for a romance novel since the love story and happy ending have to be the main plot, but if the action subplot of the story is substantial, I do think you could condense what you have here enough to include a few more of the thrilling aspects of the tale to add to the intrigue and show what makes your vampire novel original. But you know your story and if this is the best summation, stick with this.

Good luck!

Ah, I didn't catch that first one. Thank you!

I did put in the action with the previous revisions, and it was a bit of a jungle gym as I had people from everywhere asking what was going on and why this and why that and basically if I tried to fix everything it would've turned into a synopsis and not a query. One said to focus more on the front part of the book, and that helped condense it so it flowed smoother. And what really helped me is that one person said I don't have to use everyone's suggestions, but to find what I think will work and fix that- and that I know my book best. It doesn't have to follow everyone's rules, and if it works, it works.

But with that said, I'll try to see if I can incorporate a little action into this one. If I don't feel comfortable with it then I'll scrap it. I feel pretty good about this one, so once I spruce it up, I'll slowly start sending out a query or two and see how it does.

Thanks for the help!

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Query Review / Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance

« Last post by SnugglePuggle on Today at 08:43:49 AM »

...so I focused on the romance aspect and not so much action.

A query should be ten sentences on one page that focus on the main character. Who is she, what does she want, what's stopping her, what does she plan to do about it, and what are the consequences of failure?

Yes, but that's more of the regular query. Mine is focusing on the first part of the book, and does cover some of those questions but it's more of a teaser query than a regular one. I had on my previous revisions that touched more on all those questions, but the helpers said to condense it and that's where I am now with this one. 

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Query Review / Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance

« Last post by jcwrites on Today at 07:31:07 AM »

...so I focused on the romance aspect and not so much action.

A query should be ten sentences on one page that focus on the main character. Who is she, what does she want, what's stopping her, what does she plan to do about it, and what are the consequences of failure?

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Query Review / Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance

« Last post by MKWrites_318 on Today at 07:13:42 AM »

I agree with the advice you've gotten from Kjk and rivergirl. I would add:

1. I've never seen someone described as having "a pair of abs." Since defined abs typically come in sets of six or eight, that seemed a little odd to me.

2. Helpers on the other site told you to leave out the action and focus on the romance, and that's fair for a romance novel since the love story and happy ending have to be the main plot, but if the action subplot of the story is substantial, I do think you could condense what you have here enough to include a few more of the thrilling aspects of the tale to add to the intrigue and show what makes your vampire novel original. But you know your story and if this is the best summation, stick with this.

Good luck!

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Query Review / Re: Revised version of Query Letter : Before You Sleep (Dark Fantasy)

« Last post by rivergirl on Today at 06:59:01 AM »

It is said in the most ancient of scrolls, that the realms are endless. Realms that served different purposes. Different realms that were worshipped. Created by separate deities. Magical places, where the illogical becomes logical. The ancients referred to these realms as ‘strings’ . . .I wish you would be blunter in this first para. There's too much vagueness here to leave the reader trying to figure this out. Maybe: The most ancient of scrolls tell of magical realms, each created by a different deity, thin veils between our world and the world of our dreams. it is said that that an incredibly powerful mage attempted to cross into these realms...

The strings have aligned and the doors to different realms are more accessible than ever. An incredibly powerful mage attempts to gain access to these realms by creating a spell that requires the sacrifice of siblings. The sacrifice fails . . . and time itself hangs in the balance.(I"m not really sure what this means. Is there a down side to this?)

Lucros Andreus is a young man who lives on the streets and steals to get by. Lately though, his dreams have been a bit unbearable. Unbearable might actually be an understatement. They’re filled with constant fire, constant darkness, and constant beasts. Danger greets him at every turn, and what’s worse, everything that happens in these dreams are real. Lucros tries to find the reason these nightmares are happening, but the answer might not be as simple as he’d hoped. I would love a quick explanation how these dreams are real. Lucros use to think his nighttimes were just filled with horrific nightmares--until he began to wake up with burns. (something to give the reader a more concrete understanding)

Avian Andreus is a young broken mage. She has hate in her soul . . . hate for a powerful man who took her brother away from her. I like that this connects to the first para With the belief that her brother is dead, she spends years researching and creating the perfect spell for power and revenge. A spell which opens the figurative door to other realms. With such power, she could change her future. With such power, she could possibly even change her past, in the end, that’s all she really desires. That is, until she meets a familiar boy in the realms, and learns that the stakes are higher than she ever imagined. This is a great ending and reason to open the book.

BEFORE YOU SLEEP is a dark fantasy of approximately 80,000 words with series potential. It is akin to the works of Joe Abercrombie, and Mark Lawrence.

I’m a young father of two, who juggles fatherhood, school, work, and writing all at the same time. However, I’ve never been much of a juggler. This is my first novel.Never point out inexperience. Without the list of writing credits and awards, it's assumed you're new to writing I hope you enjoy and thank you for your consideration!

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Query Review / Re: Revised version of Query Letter : Before You Sleep (Dark Fantasy)

« Last post by RossJMateer on Yesterday at 10:25:30 PM »

I've revised the third variation of the query! I'd appreciate any feedback given! Thank you!

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Query Review / Re: Alpha Enchanted-Adult Paranormal Romance

« Last post by SnugglePuggle on Yesterday at 09:22:31 PM »

Twenty-three-year-old Calleigh Aron has a reason for her fear of a man’s touch. This is a good opener but a tad clunky. Consider: Twenty-three-year old Calleigh Aron has reason to fear a man's touch. An attack from a vampire during high school not only scared her from future opportunities to finally date someone, but also left her with her own pair of fangs.

Ah, I see that I've added a bit too much in places. Good catch!

Six years later, Calleigh continues to shy away from any male contact until Axton LeVane crosses her path. A tall, amber-eyed vampire with a dangerously sexy pair of rock-hard abs, Axton seems to be the perfect fit to help her break free of her fear, until his affinity for human blood threatens another attack. What does this mean? Why would Axton attack Calleigh if she's a vampire?

Come to find out, Calleigh is a half-breed. I think I"d explain this above to keep the agent from having to re-read a sentence trying to figure out what i was trying to figure out above. Be blunt from the beginning According to Axton, the vampire from her high school years was unable to turn her the whole way.

Oh ok, I can see that! I'll put the explanation upward like you said so the agent won't be confused.

And her human blood drives him wild. Wild to the point he fights to stay away, and in that struggle, Calleigh sees a man that for the first time, does not want to hurt her.
She now has a decision to make.(no comma here) Run, as per her usual choice, or stay. At first read and for a split second, run to me meant literally run. Stupid i know, but that's what I read. Consider: She now has a decision to make: continue to run from men she's attracted to or explore a love she never thought she'd have And possibly find a love she never thought she would have.

OMG thank you! I've been struggling with this last sentence and that helps so much!

ALPHA ENCHANTED is a paranormal romance complete at 76,500 words. It stands alone with series potential and will appeal to fans of BLOODSTORM: HEART OF A VAMPIRE.
 
I have a bachelor’s degree in English. Hopefully this will be an advantage for you! When I am not reading or writing, I love to be outdoors on athe back of a horse.
 
Thank you for your consideration!

This is great. I do think you have an uphill battle pushing another vampire story, but this got me excited.

Thank you so much!! I know the vampire books is a bit saturated but back when it was starting to hit off with TWILIGHT, I was just a teeny sophomore in high school and didn't have the time to put a lot of focus into my writing. Now that I'm older I can. I did some research and saw paranormal romance is still big, but you just need to have a fresh twist on it, and I think I can do that  and you made my night, I'm so happy you think it's good and that it made you excited!! Thank you!! I'll add in some changes from the help I got here and post a revision soon!