1
Opening Sentence/Paragraph / Re: Psychological Horror/Fantasy DEATH’S RECEPTIONIST
« Last post by susan-louise on Yesterday at 11:53:37 PM »“There were no alarms to wake up to in the afterlife. Time came and went as it pleased; it was a construct lost on the dead.
Unfortunately, the lack of an alarm did not mean Sam wasn’t running on a schedule.”
Hi Lorettakate.
I really like the opening but agree with Kaperton about triple negatives impeding flow. I'd also delete one of the alarms.
Reading it several times, I think you risk diluting impact... "Time came and went as it pleased; it was a construct lost on the dead. " First lines are crucial so I would pare it down.
You might consider "time was irrelevant to the dead" instead of "time was a construct lost on the dead..." This is imperfect and I apologise for slashing
but gives you an idea of how much more gripping your opening could be.
There were no alarms to wake up to in the afterlife. Time was irrelevant to the dead and yet Sam was still running on a schedule."
Unfortunately, the lack of an alarm did not mean Sam wasn’t running on a schedule.”
Hi Lorettakate.
I really like the opening but agree with Kaperton about triple negatives impeding flow. I'd also delete one of the alarms.
Reading it several times, I think you risk diluting impact... "Time came and went as it pleased; it was a construct lost on the dead. " First lines are crucial so I would pare it down.
You might consider "time was irrelevant to the dead" instead of "time was a construct lost on the dead..." This is imperfect and I apologise for slashing

There were no alarms to wake up to in the afterlife. Time was irrelevant to the dead and yet Sam was still running on a schedule."