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 1 
 on: Today at 09:10:08 PM 
Started by Zooks - Last post by Zooks
Thanks, Munley!

 2 
 on: Today at 08:41:02 PM 
Started by JustinB - Last post by Pineapplejuice
On paper, she has it all: the kids, the house, the job, and the liberating indefeeling that she independence of no longer relies reyling on a man to help her thrive in life. But for Diana, her Diana's existence has been slowly crumbling apart ever since that tragic day that she lost her father. It wasn’t her fault. But still ( 'Still confuses issue of sinister force at play, makes it sound like force at play when father died but not explained ) her community suspects that a sinister force has taken over her life, as she tries her best to pretend like she can keep it together. Burdened by expectations, Diana looks for an escape away from the relentlessly judgemental society in which she lives. She finds her diversion in the Virtuanator, a virtual universe where she is appreciated, validated, and loved by her artificial children. As Diana dives deeper into the deceptive abyss of the Virtuanator, she becomes obsessed with her fantasy world where she begins to question whether she is even needed in the real one.

As she cozies up to her new family, she learns that they don’t have any room for distractions ( this just doesn't sound right! Lol 'room' feels wrong as it suggests a space issue  and a distraction is not a space issue 'are greedy, demanding her undivided attention', and that she must make the choice between which family she truly belongs to. Little does she know that her new family doesn't plan on keeping her true family alive. When her real children, Kyle and Lily, discover the truth behind Diana's manipulative ( This is a real mouthful and also makes me lose sympathy for Diana as it's like she's trying to lose her kids, maybe 'secret' or similar would be better ) digital shenanigans, they must fight to save themselves and their mother from a cyber threat that could seduce her into a state of malicious enslavement once and for all.

A GOOD MOTHER is an 80,000-word science fiction thriller. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 
Sincerely,

Author


Really good  clap


 3 
 on: Today at 06:56:09 PM 
Started by Munley - Last post by Curious Author
Very helpful!

 4 
 on: Today at 04:07:30 PM 
Started by JustinB - Last post by JustinB
Thank you for your feedback!

 5 
 on: Today at 03:54:08 PM 
Started by JustinB - Last post by scarlett25oh
   The new draft of this query is my favorite of all the ones I've read of this. Diana no longer comes across as unlikeable, now she's more relatable. I like the addition of the loss of her father and the line about if she is needed in the real world or not. I think though the line "It wasn't her fault," wasn't needed? And then the following line "But still her community suspects that a sinister force has taken over her life..." could be moved to the second paragraph after the line about ".....little does she know that her new family doesn't plan on keeping her true family alive"? Or maybe add a hint of what the community is seeing as sinister? I could be wrong, I hope someone else weighs in but I thought I'd give an opinion. Smiley

 6 
 on: Today at 02:45:59 PM 
Started by JustinB - Last post by JustinB
Again, I want to thank everyone for their help so far. Endless karma points for you! Anyway, here is my latest version. Please let me know what you think! Thank you!

Dear Agent:

On paper, she has it all: the kids, the house, the job, and the liberating feeling that she no longer relies on a man to help her thrive in life. But for Diana, her existence has been slowly crumbling apart ever since that tragic day that she lost her father. It wasn’t her fault. But still her community suspects that a sinister force has taken over her life, as she tries her best to pretend like she can keep it together. Burdened by expectations, Diana looks for an escape away from the relentlessly judgemental society in which she lives. She finds her diversion in the Virtuanator, a virtual universe where she is appreciated, validated, and loved by her artificial children. As Diana dives deeper into the deceptive abyss of the Virtuanator, she becomes obsessed with her fantasy world where she begins to question whether she is even needed in the real one.

As she cozies up to her new family, she learns that they don’t have any room for distractions, and that she must make the choice between which family she truly belongs to. Little does she know that her new family doesn't plan on keeping her true family alive. When her real children, Kyle and Lily, discover the truth behind Diana's manipulative digital shenanigans, they must fight to save themselves and their mother from a cyber threat that could seduce her into a state of malicious enslavement once and for all.

A GOOD MOTHER is an 80,000-word science fiction thriller. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 
Sincerely,

Author

 7 
 on: Today at 11:00:44 AM 
Started by Zooks - Last post by Munley
Zooks, you're kicking it!!!!  Congrats!!!!  clap clap

Ditto! Double ditto!

 8 
 on: Today at 10:38:41 AM 
Started by Zooks - Last post by Zooks
Thanks koji and hesterL, I appreciate your encouragement. Though I'm more than a little jaded by this point, I do relish the request.  Grin

 9 
 on: Today at 10:14:56 AM 
Started by Zooks - Last post by hesterL
Zooks, you're kicking it!!!!  Congrats!!!!  clap clap

 10 
 on: Today at 07:41:08 AM 
Started by scarlett25oh - Last post by debbie.rosenberg58
Hi, Scarlett. 

The opening scene reminded me of the film, Saving Private Ryan, post battle, with a lot of blood and carnage. You lay a vivid scene, however I thought there was quite a bit of repetition.

Consider this point as your opening: “I'm going to die out here,” Alekse whispered.

If the scene is post big battle, with another coming, I think you should stay in the moment. There's no reason for any backstory, as it slows down the investment the reader has in this emotional, bloody scene.  You MC is obviously extraordinary and a hero, which you can demonstrate more directly by finding and saving his brother in the run to the forest. Also, if his brother was in the battle, wouldn't that be the first thing on his mind beside himself?

I'm worried about your dragon being considered cliche. Since GOT, I think it's hard to do dragons in a unique way. Does he change color, perhaps like a chameleon, so the soldiers don't see him until it's almost too late, or does the air change somehow in its presence. 

One more thing about the opening: Personally, it's hard to follow when more than one unique name is introduced in the opening, i.e, the character's name, then Thessolonica and Exlandik.

I guess the bottom line of my input is virtually no backstory in the opening; less repetition and more of the hero's action so the reader will be more invested in him.

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