Chap 1 vs Chap 1 ....MG Fantasy Crit

[WriterJen]

I am looking for someone who would be willing to critique my first chapter for my MG Fantasy.

I have the original version....

And then I have a version in which I applied some of the feedback I received.

Problem, is my revised should be better, but my gut is telling me that it no longer reads like a kids novel?

Is anyone willing to read both and give me feedback? I'm happy to return the favor!!

[DrCarter2001]

Hi Jen, I'd be happy to take a look in exchange; I have my board re-certification exam in a week though so it would have to wait until after that (whatever free time I have is mostly going to studying).

[WriterJen]

Thank you for the offer! I had a deadline I was working on, so I haven't been able to revisit here.

On that note, my MG Fantasy was accepted by a publisher, but I have to do some minor tweaks- I am looking for a reader or someone to swap crits with on the entire MS before I resubmit back to publisher. if interested 

Again, thanks for offering~ you were the only one that did here!! 

[lwoods]

Hi there!

I would be happy to help you out. I'm new here, as of today, but i can help you out if you haven' t found anyone yet:)
Let me know.

Lisa