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Author Topic: It's not you, it's me...  (Read 2576 times)
« on: March 05, 2013, 09:09:36 AM »

Dearest Agent, my new best friend.

This is your lucky day! I know that you have been at this gig forever, just waiting for that one magic novel that will make your career and make scads of money for you. Today is the day! My book will appeal to those who like Jack London, the Marque de Sade and whoever it was that wrote that book about the hobbits. Universal appeal! Once you read this query you will be thinking Pulitzer Prize, movie rights and what you will wear to the Oscars. Now that I have your attention I will tell you about SNOOT, my 132,819 page brilliant representaion of explicit preteen fantasy with lots of sex, thrills and shape shifting.
Now, now, I know how excited you must be. So here is my query.

When Bobby Bobo turns 13 he is kidnapped by ruffians who use magic to turn all condoms into leaky sieves, thereby insuring the continuance of his superior blood line that begets elves, dwarfs, dragons, witches, wizards, munchkins and hooka smoking catapillers. They need him in order to (pay attention! Here are the stakes!) repopulate the world with other 13 year olds who also have magic blood, thereby ruining there plans to take over the world!
(Isn't this exciting!)
So when Bobby meets Shurpa, an extremely beautiful witch who is really a shape shifter and is ten years older and really gets into masks and handcuffs, etc. they fall in love within the first thirty seconds and she swears she will be his truly and forever but they must go to the kindom of Wicked World where they will meet a sentient coyotee who will join forces with them and foil the dasterdly plans of the kidnapping ruffians.
So when all is said in done, they are triumphant, save the world and join a gang of mororcyle munchins who wear green leather outfits and have a baby pig as their mascot.

Ta da!
Trust me, this is not kiddie p**n. And even if it is, won't it break all the rules! Doesn't that just scream best seller? And I know you will have noticed how stellar my spelling, sentence structure and story arc and sensitive use of cliches give the book a literary feel.
Although I have quiered you before, I have revised my query to turn it into the masterpiece it is now. I've had 144 rejections in the last two months, but I KNOW you will be the one who is truly intelligent and savvy enough to understand the scope of this story.
I belong to seven writers groups, have had sixteen crit partners and ahve already posted this book in the web and on Twitter and I am now involved in the many requests I've had to self publish, I asure you you will have first pick. And no matter what you have heard from other agents, I am NOT a skalker!

I have a masters in fiction writing, and while it was a coarse I took on the computer, I put three weeks of hard work into it. I have also entered many contests and came in twlefe place on one of them!

So this is your lucky day, my friend (I feel as if we have known each other for years!) and I will give you 36 hours to respond. So pick up the phone. Call me. Now. Please.

Professionally yours,
Fiona Fiarytale
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« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2013, 03:54:55 PM »

 clap clap clap
More hooka smoking caterpillars and motorcycle munchkins! Less repopulating.  no No way do we need more thirteen year olds running around, magical blood or not.

Laugh At
and whoever it was that wrote that book about the hobbits.


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« Reply #2 on: March 08, 2013, 09:53:03 AM »

Hilarious. I think you managed every mistake possible. I especially appreciated the twisted image of Literary Kiddie Porn.
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« Reply #3 on: March 08, 2013, 11:20:12 AM »

 rofl rofl

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« Reply #4 on: March 08, 2013, 06:53:02 PM »

 Pirate Pirate Pirate Pirate Pirate

OMG! If I was an agent I'd snapped that up in a New York minute!!! Lucky for the rest of the world, I live in cow country.

 naughty naughty naughty

~*The Dreaded Cousin of the Werewolf*~
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